"See now that I myself am He! There is no god beside me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand." Deuteronomy 32:39 NIV
At first this verse confused me. Why would God hurt someone? Or why would He allow hurt into someone's life? Well I had to start looking at what causes woundedness, It can come from several different things. It could be because of our own sin or choice, a result of sin or choice of another, it could even be just because we live in a sinful world. In the scripture above, we see that even God wounds but He also heals.
In my lifetime I can't even begin to count the number of wounded people I have encountered. Especially now that I work in the medical field. Yeah sure I see physical wounds, but I am talking something deeper. I am talking wounds inside, ones that aren't visible to the people around you. Some people will speak about their wounds, but it seems to me, more people keep them deep inside.
I have noticed that those who keep those wounds inside, tend to have physical health manifestations. Now I haven't done any study on this so this is just my own observation, but those people who I speak to that have the most health issues, seem to have some of the deepest wounds, none physical wounds. Why? I believe it is because they chose to bury the wounds and not address them.
So it doesn't take someone in the medical field to know that if you have a wound, and you chose to just ignore it, its going to get infected and get worse. So, again just my observation, if your hurting about something in your life, and you never talk about it, it festers and gets infected, just like a physical wound would. It may scab over, but it never truly heals. it will also hurt all the time and never go away.
I see people in my line of work, meet people at the gym or other places I go, work with people and even have friends and family that are what I call, the walking wounded. There are things in their lives that have hurt them, but for some reason they have chosen to bottle up that hurt, not seek healing for the wounds, and now the wounds are festering. When I see people like this, I see in them things that they might not normally do or hear them say things they might not normally say.
These people may not even be aware of the wounds they are hiding because it is things they would rather not face. When this happens, they tend to strike out at others or find that they can't have successful relationships. They tend not to trust people which makes it hard for relationships to form. And the relationships they do have, suffer because they don't trust anyone.
Its a lose, lose situation for them and those who love them. They can't trust or open up, and the people who want to be in their lives get pushed out or pushed away without ever knowing why. The person doing the pushing may not even know why. This creates a never ending cycle that never allows for healing. It is only when the person who is wounded, either realizes the hurt, or run into someone who has been in that place. or even someone with a background in counseling gets a hold of them, that this cycle can be stopped.
There is hope for those of us who have been wounded. Its not easy sometimes to face what has caused those wounds, it might be a parent, a family member, a person we loved very much, or a total stranger. Its when we see that we are wounded and begin the journey of healing, that we see how much we have lost. Its like a wound that never gets treated, it festers and can eventually cause you to be seriously ill and even lead to death. Now, I am not saying that all past hurts that have created wounds can kill you, but some can.
After years of my own wounds slowly killing me, I decided to ask for help. What others did to me was not affecting them, but it sure was hurting me. The wounds I had went very, very deep. It was awful how badly they affected every part of my life. They even began to steal my health and take me away from my family. But I woke up one morning and decided that enough was enough. I was tired of the deep hurts, wounds that were left gaping. I needed to get healed.
The healing process can be painful as well. Its not like you wake up one morning and say ok, everything is better. It takes time, and for me some other wounds were created in the healing process. Some may have already been there as I look back, I just couldn't see them because of the ones that were so big. But the healing process did begin, the past no longer had a death grip on my life. I began to be able to truly see the many blessings in my life. Funny, they were always there, I just couldn't see past the wounds.
I lost a lot of life, living, loving, and laughing because I was so wrapped up in my woundedness. Life went on, and I was present but never truly present. I feel like I would go through the motions for the sake of others. How sad is that. To not be able to remember some of the fun times in my life because I was focused on the past. My son, the youngest of my four children, said to me, "Mom, you don't drive your car down the road always looking in the rearview mirror, you have to look ahead." Wow, out of the mouths of babes. Well, he is 19, but what wisdom this one has.
I was going through life looking in the rearview mirror, focused on the things that had already happened. So much so that I was missing what was going on in the present. But not anymore. I have begun a journey of healing. Of letting go of the past and things that I can't change. Letting anger and resentment go so that I can feel true joy. You can't feel true joy, love or peace until you let go of the past. By being angry and resentful, my heart was already full. There was no room for other emotions.
Now that I have forgiven, and truly let go, I can feel for the first time. Feel real love, joy and peace. It doesn't mean that there won't be times of sadness, because that is in everyday life, but it means that those moments are smaller and take up less room in my life than they did before. By letting go of the things of the past, that will never be changed no matter how much you dwell on them, you feel lighter, you love better, heck you live better.
SO now the question is, are you ready to let go????
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Monday, November 17, 2014
Breaking habits
PUT AN END TO ANY NEGATIVE HABITS
OR PATTERNS IN YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.
BE THE ONE WHO RISES UP &CHANGES
THINGS!!!
There are bad habits in every ones lives. For some, they are big, for others they are small. But no matter what they are, they are not good. They speak of our character and I have learned that our character is the only thing we can work hard on and change.
My family is no different than anyone else's. We all have habits that we have learned from our elders that keep getting passed down from generation to generation. Some habits are how we identify certain people in our family. "oh here comes________, you know the religious one, late one, fat, skinny, short, tall, you name it, you can honestly put any label in there. There are good habits as well, like being caring, loving, compassionate. In each family there are both, good and bad habits. So we pick up these habits as we grow up.
Some habits though are not good ones to pick up. They are habits that speak of our character. They tell people who we are or how we value them. This can be anyone we come into contact with, family, friends, co-workers or complete strangers. And first impressions only happen once. I am only going to discuss a few habits I am or have struggled with.
The first one, I am constantly late. I think about the people I am affecting by being late, but it just never seems to get better. Phillipians 2:4 says, "Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others." This admonishes me to be considerate of others and to make a better effort to be on time. If I am constantly late, it says I do not value the thing or the people I am going to be around. I hate being late but it still seems to be the norm for me.
How about gossiping. This used to be a big one for me. I wish I could say I never do it, but I am working hard at making it very minimal. I may discuss someone with someone else, but I am making a conscious effort not to make disparaging remarks about them.
At the time it may seem like fun to all sit around and talk about someone else, but think of this, how would you feel if they were talking about you? Proverbs 16:28 "A forward man soweth strife; and a whisperer seprateth chief friends." Gossip is such an easy trap to fall into. It is critical that you figure out if you are part of the problem with gossip, or part of the solution being gossiped about. If you are neither, then why partake of it. You don't need gossip in your life because it only brings strife to others. Don't be a part of it. I just politely say, I don't really need to know this and I have other things I need to do.
Procrastination is another habit I suffer from occasionally. Its not as bad as when I was younger and I learned while in college, it never pays off. Psalms 119:15-16 "I will meditate in the precepts, and have respect unto thy ways. I will delight myself in thy statures; I will not forget thy word.
Procrastination is not a habit you want. It can delay or even stop our plans because we keep putting off what we need to do. This can cause us to become lazy in the thing we really wanted or needed to do. It is the opposite of being diligent in our life. I recently have been doing that with exercise. I was doing really good and than I started my new job. I kept putting off my workout until the next day with excuses for why I couldn't do it today. This does not benefit me and has only made me lazy in that area. That can then bleed into other areas of my life.
How many times have you heard foul language come out of some ones mouth? When I hear it, I am almost sickened. It is so ugly. And yet, I find myself, every once it a great while, saying one and wishing I could just take it back. Ephesians 4:22-24 "That ye put off concerning the former conversation of your old self, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and be renewed in the spirit of mind; and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness." I strive to live my life and speak in a way that only brings glory and not shame to God. I may not always succeed, but I am working on it.
I know I will never follow the ten commandments or the new law under the new testament, to a tee. I will stumble at times, and I will get on my knees and ask for forgiveness. I know that all people have things they want to work on or change in their lives. I am not put on this earth to judge the behavior of others. As shown above, I have some things in myself that I need to work on. The best I can do in my life is to keep my eyes on Jesus and walk with the Spirit. By walking in the Spirit rather than in my flesh, I will choose the good things.
I will struggle and fight each and every day with my sin nature. But I know where to find my strength, in the Holy Spirit. It is not a good thing that we walk around talking about or judging others because of what they have said or done. I need only look after my own thoughts, words and deeds. In this, I can find freedom and peace, even when all around me is in chaos.
Galatians 5:15-17 "But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another so that you may not do the things you please."
OR PATTERNS IN YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.
BE THE ONE WHO RISES UP &CHANGES
THINGS!!!
There are bad habits in every ones lives. For some, they are big, for others they are small. But no matter what they are, they are not good. They speak of our character and I have learned that our character is the only thing we can work hard on and change.
My family is no different than anyone else's. We all have habits that we have learned from our elders that keep getting passed down from generation to generation. Some habits are how we identify certain people in our family. "oh here comes________, you know the religious one, late one, fat, skinny, short, tall, you name it, you can honestly put any label in there. There are good habits as well, like being caring, loving, compassionate. In each family there are both, good and bad habits. So we pick up these habits as we grow up.
Some habits though are not good ones to pick up. They are habits that speak of our character. They tell people who we are or how we value them. This can be anyone we come into contact with, family, friends, co-workers or complete strangers. And first impressions only happen once. I am only going to discuss a few habits I am or have struggled with.
The first one, I am constantly late. I think about the people I am affecting by being late, but it just never seems to get better. Phillipians 2:4 says, "Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others." This admonishes me to be considerate of others and to make a better effort to be on time. If I am constantly late, it says I do not value the thing or the people I am going to be around. I hate being late but it still seems to be the norm for me.
How about gossiping. This used to be a big one for me. I wish I could say I never do it, but I am working hard at making it very minimal. I may discuss someone with someone else, but I am making a conscious effort not to make disparaging remarks about them.
At the time it may seem like fun to all sit around and talk about someone else, but think of this, how would you feel if they were talking about you? Proverbs 16:28 "A forward man soweth strife; and a whisperer seprateth chief friends." Gossip is such an easy trap to fall into. It is critical that you figure out if you are part of the problem with gossip, or part of the solution being gossiped about. If you are neither, then why partake of it. You don't need gossip in your life because it only brings strife to others. Don't be a part of it. I just politely say, I don't really need to know this and I have other things I need to do.
Procrastination is another habit I suffer from occasionally. Its not as bad as when I was younger and I learned while in college, it never pays off. Psalms 119:15-16 "I will meditate in the precepts, and have respect unto thy ways. I will delight myself in thy statures; I will not forget thy word.
Procrastination is not a habit you want. It can delay or even stop our plans because we keep putting off what we need to do. This can cause us to become lazy in the thing we really wanted or needed to do. It is the opposite of being diligent in our life. I recently have been doing that with exercise. I was doing really good and than I started my new job. I kept putting off my workout until the next day with excuses for why I couldn't do it today. This does not benefit me and has only made me lazy in that area. That can then bleed into other areas of my life.
How many times have you heard foul language come out of some ones mouth? When I hear it, I am almost sickened. It is so ugly. And yet, I find myself, every once it a great while, saying one and wishing I could just take it back. Ephesians 4:22-24 "That ye put off concerning the former conversation of your old self, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and be renewed in the spirit of mind; and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness." I strive to live my life and speak in a way that only brings glory and not shame to God. I may not always succeed, but I am working on it.
I know I will never follow the ten commandments or the new law under the new testament, to a tee. I will stumble at times, and I will get on my knees and ask for forgiveness. I know that all people have things they want to work on or change in their lives. I am not put on this earth to judge the behavior of others. As shown above, I have some things in myself that I need to work on. The best I can do in my life is to keep my eyes on Jesus and walk with the Spirit. By walking in the Spirit rather than in my flesh, I will choose the good things.
I will struggle and fight each and every day with my sin nature. But I know where to find my strength, in the Holy Spirit. It is not a good thing that we walk around talking about or judging others because of what they have said or done. I need only look after my own thoughts, words and deeds. In this, I can find freedom and peace, even when all around me is in chaos.
Galatians 5:15-17 "But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another so that you may not do the things you please."
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Why we should cry.
"You keep track of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalms 56.8
Have you ever been told that you should not cry, or quit crying, or heard a parent say, "act like a big boy or girl and stop crying? Or have you ever been accused of being over emotional? Well I have to all the above. Yes, I am a person given to crying at the drop of a hat. Movies, commercials and cards can all trigger my tears.
About a month or so ago, when I had just returned from Denver after 5 weeks away, my husband and I went for a ride into the mountains. Now you must know that my husband is a really strong guy, 6' 7", 275, and full of muscles. I lean on him for his physical and emotional strength, but on this particular day, I would see the side of him that makes him my superman.
As we are driving up into the mountains we had been talking. Mostly about the last 5 weeks, my journey to health, the loss of my dad and his, and just how much we really love each other. I know at this point some of you might be saying, "sappy." Well I love that my hubby loves to communicate with me. I truly believe this has been the key to our 26years of marriage. That and the fact we are both stubborn.
As we were talking my husband became quiet. I looked over and saw tears in his eyes and of course, I start to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I am just so happy your home and I love you so much," This made me cry a little harder. We cried together a little and then we started to giggle a bit. This would probably never have happened in public, but he has cried in a dark theater once or twice.
Tears can represent happiness, sadness, anger, fear, stress and sickness. My husband has seen me cry in all of these situations, but in the past few years, I had learned to control that. I didn't cry in situations that should have brought tears. Years of being told I cry to much, I need to be stronger, having my kids watch me during a movie and laughing when I would spring a leak. People didn't do this to be mean but because of their own discomfort with crying. And men have it even harder because they are supposed to be big and tough.
My husband has cried in front of our children and I think this is the healthy thing to do. You see, research has shown that when a person cries they are actually washing away the negative effects that stress has on our bodies. In the bible we read that God takes note of each of our tears. They can show the depth of our emotions and God cares when we are hurting, happy, angry, scared or sick.
Now my husband is not completely comfortable with me crying and it isn't because he is uncaring, on the contrary, he cares very deeply. He just doesn't like to see me hurting just as God doesn't want to see us hurting. I believe that it also grows our marriage stronger. My husband holds me up when I am weak and I return the same.
Tears also have a true healing property. They help to fight germs you might get off of the things you touch daily. So they kill bacteria. Tears also remove toxins. When we cry tears from distress of grief toxic, byproducts are released. They elevate our mood and lower stress. They also build a sense of community. When others see us cry, our hearts go out to them We begin to feel for them. This builds connection.
So overall, tears are a really good thing. It is so good for you to cry, and to cry with others, those who love you. Don't hide your emotions because you are scared, feel you have to be tough or because you don't believe you can let yourself feel. God created emotions for a reason. They are how we get a sense of what's going on inside our bodies when we might not know.
So, let yourself cry. It doesn't mean your weak, it means your truly strong.
Have you ever been told that you should not cry, or quit crying, or heard a parent say, "act like a big boy or girl and stop crying? Or have you ever been accused of being over emotional? Well I have to all the above. Yes, I am a person given to crying at the drop of a hat. Movies, commercials and cards can all trigger my tears.
About a month or so ago, when I had just returned from Denver after 5 weeks away, my husband and I went for a ride into the mountains. Now you must know that my husband is a really strong guy, 6' 7", 275, and full of muscles. I lean on him for his physical and emotional strength, but on this particular day, I would see the side of him that makes him my superman.
As we are driving up into the mountains we had been talking. Mostly about the last 5 weeks, my journey to health, the loss of my dad and his, and just how much we really love each other. I know at this point some of you might be saying, "sappy." Well I love that my hubby loves to communicate with me. I truly believe this has been the key to our 26years of marriage. That and the fact we are both stubborn.
As we were talking my husband became quiet. I looked over and saw tears in his eyes and of course, I start to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I am just so happy your home and I love you so much," This made me cry a little harder. We cried together a little and then we started to giggle a bit. This would probably never have happened in public, but he has cried in a dark theater once or twice.
Tears can represent happiness, sadness, anger, fear, stress and sickness. My husband has seen me cry in all of these situations, but in the past few years, I had learned to control that. I didn't cry in situations that should have brought tears. Years of being told I cry to much, I need to be stronger, having my kids watch me during a movie and laughing when I would spring a leak. People didn't do this to be mean but because of their own discomfort with crying. And men have it even harder because they are supposed to be big and tough.
My husband has cried in front of our children and I think this is the healthy thing to do. You see, research has shown that when a person cries they are actually washing away the negative effects that stress has on our bodies. In the bible we read that God takes note of each of our tears. They can show the depth of our emotions and God cares when we are hurting, happy, angry, scared or sick.
Now my husband is not completely comfortable with me crying and it isn't because he is uncaring, on the contrary, he cares very deeply. He just doesn't like to see me hurting just as God doesn't want to see us hurting. I believe that it also grows our marriage stronger. My husband holds me up when I am weak and I return the same.
Tears also have a true healing property. They help to fight germs you might get off of the things you touch daily. So they kill bacteria. Tears also remove toxins. When we cry tears from distress of grief toxic, byproducts are released. They elevate our mood and lower stress. They also build a sense of community. When others see us cry, our hearts go out to them We begin to feel for them. This builds connection.
So overall, tears are a really good thing. It is so good for you to cry, and to cry with others, those who love you. Don't hide your emotions because you are scared, feel you have to be tough or because you don't believe you can let yourself feel. God created emotions for a reason. They are how we get a sense of what's going on inside our bodies when we might not know.
So, let yourself cry. It doesn't mean your weak, it means your truly strong.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Re-entering Life
So tonight marks my last night of stay at home. I am now 3 months out from the last time I worked. Wow, now that is something I never thought I would do since all my children are now grown.I It has been a long road, this road called recovery, but a journey I will never regret.
I am excited and nervous to start this next part of my journey. I can't wait to see what my new job holds for me. I will be working with all new people but I will be doing what I truly love. I can't wait to get back to caring for the people of my community in the job I truly believe God has called me to. But as I look forward to this, I realize that there is so much more waiting for me.
I have been home 5 weeks now. Time flies when your having fun they say. Fun is not exactly what I would call the last five weeks, but there has been a new joy I have found. Oh, and a new strength inside of myself that I never new was there. I have learned the word no and how to stand up for myself. My son complimented me today when he said, "mom, you really have changed." That felt good to hear that others are seeing that change.
I can only attribute this change to God of course. He has placed all the right people into my life at just the right times. It has helped me get to know myself and to prepare myself for my life after. I am so ready to get back to life again. I have been home like I said, but I have mostly been at home, with my family getting stronger. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family to just love me back to healthy.
Now that is not to say there hasn't been or won't be challenges. I am not foolish enough to believe that all is going to be simple or easy. I do know that I have the tools to deal with the challenges that I might face as I re-enter life. I am beginning to believe in myself and my abilities. I know that recovery from a loss takes time. They have told me to expect this to take at least a year. Its not until that year is over, without any behaviors mind you, that I can truly say I am recovered. That may seem like a long time but I am already 3 months down, leaving only 9 more to go.
Life will bring happiness and sadness, it will sling mud and bring showers to wash it back off. Life will have its ups and downs but overall, I continue to feel blessed. I grow stronger each and everyday with the help of my family and friends and most importantly, from God. I will march boldly back into the life that God has blessed me with, without fear or trepidation knowing that with each step, my heavenly father will be holding me in the palm of His hand. I am ready to re-enter life.
I am excited and nervous to start this next part of my journey. I can't wait to see what my new job holds for me. I will be working with all new people but I will be doing what I truly love. I can't wait to get back to caring for the people of my community in the job I truly believe God has called me to. But as I look forward to this, I realize that there is so much more waiting for me.
I have been home 5 weeks now. Time flies when your having fun they say. Fun is not exactly what I would call the last five weeks, but there has been a new joy I have found. Oh, and a new strength inside of myself that I never new was there. I have learned the word no and how to stand up for myself. My son complimented me today when he said, "mom, you really have changed." That felt good to hear that others are seeing that change.
I can only attribute this change to God of course. He has placed all the right people into my life at just the right times. It has helped me get to know myself and to prepare myself for my life after. I am so ready to get back to life again. I have been home like I said, but I have mostly been at home, with my family getting stronger. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family to just love me back to healthy.
Now that is not to say there hasn't been or won't be challenges. I am not foolish enough to believe that all is going to be simple or easy. I do know that I have the tools to deal with the challenges that I might face as I re-enter life. I am beginning to believe in myself and my abilities. I know that recovery from a loss takes time. They have told me to expect this to take at least a year. Its not until that year is over, without any behaviors mind you, that I can truly say I am recovered. That may seem like a long time but I am already 3 months down, leaving only 9 more to go.
Life will bring happiness and sadness, it will sling mud and bring showers to wash it back off. Life will have its ups and downs but overall, I continue to feel blessed. I grow stronger each and everyday with the help of my family and friends and most importantly, from God. I will march boldly back into the life that God has blessed me with, without fear or trepidation knowing that with each step, my heavenly father will be holding me in the palm of His hand. I am ready to re-enter life.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
True freedom
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?" 1Corinthians 6:19.
We are called to Honor God because we belong to Him. Now days we fail to realize that our ancestors fought and paid a price in blood so that we could have freedom. Some of us have decided that we can do life on our own terms. We don't need to rely on God. But our country was founded and based on living our lives for God,
When we first came to this country, it was to get away from religious oppression that the British were pushing on to people. We fought for the freedom from slavery. We have gone into foreign countries and even fought for their freedom. But now we see society turning from God. That is not working so great for our country as evidenced in the daily barrage of evil we see in the news. We have committed spiritual suicide by pulling away from what was once a part of almost every home in America.
Have you ever heard that you were purchased? Does that bring to mind being a slave, belonging or being a possession, do you feel that is a form of oppression. Or when you hear that do you feel like you are liberated, exhilarated knowing that God wants to claim you? That is what we should feel. We are the temple for the Holy Spirit, a helper God gave to us to make it through this world.
"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9
What an awesome thing to hear. That not only are we a chosen people, but one chosen by God Himself. He wanted us. He loves us so much that He was willing to sacrifice His Son so that we could have life with him. We were purchased at a high price, the price of Jesus' blood. Can you think of anyone in this world that would do that for you, or that you would do that for? What a prize. How cherished that makes me feel.
So knowing that we are a treasure to God frees us from that constant need to be what the world says we have to be. We do not have to be perfect, thin, smart, tall, rich or any of the things the world says gives us worth. Our worth is already there. God found us so worthy that He gave us life. He wanted us to be here at this time, in this place with these people. And that doesn't mean life is going to be easy. Oh No.
You see, in order to have freedom, a battle must be fought. That doesn't mean that we win a battle and it is all over. Just like in most countries, there can be multiple battles that we must face. But with each victory or even with defeat, we are winners. Unlike what the world says, when we are defeated is when God can walk in and do the most work. Its in our defeat that we are humbled enough to hear His gentle voice calling us to Him. The noise of the world sometimes drown His voice out, but when we find ourselves defeated, we can hear Him.
In todays day and age, we are bombarded with messages saying that we should think of ourselves, or that we can be self sufficient. You don't find many people willing to help others out unless there is something in it for them. Acts of kindness are so rare and when I am out shopping I have actually had people be extremely rude to me. People who are being paid to do a job. Wow. Our country has made a sharp downward turn just in my lifetime.
When I was little, my grandparents, parents and family were always doing things together or for each other. They did it for others as well. They gave their time, money and attention. And they did it all without expecting anything in return. I do the same thing now but it is getting harder and harder to do. People don't appreciate when you do something nice for them most of the time. It's almost like they expect it or that they think they deserve it.
The other day my son and I were at Wal-Mart when an elderly lady was struggling with her cart. She had purchased 2 big cases of water. I asked her if we could help her to her car. She looked at me stunned. She said, "you don't work here." I told her no we didn't but we would be more than happy to help her. We got her cart to her car and loaded her groceries. She was so happy. That was all the reward I needed. To see her smile.
It is in serving others that I find my reward. That I find freedom that comes from knowing that I am doing what God calls me to be. I lived in the chaos that the world pressured me into before. I fell for the lies that I must look a certain way, work a certain job, have possessions, be rich, smart, funny and on all the time, but God grants me mercy and grace. I don't have to be anything for Him to love me. I just need to believe in Him. Freedom.
Have a blessed day.
Dear heavenly Father, I pray for all of those who are seeking freedom from the stress of this world. I pray that they would find you, give their lives to you and in that find true freedom. Lord I ask that you keep them safe from the lies that the world tells us. That they would be able to accept themselves the way you made them. Thank you for blessing us with another day. Keep watch over my family and friends Amen.
We are called to Honor God because we belong to Him. Now days we fail to realize that our ancestors fought and paid a price in blood so that we could have freedom. Some of us have decided that we can do life on our own terms. We don't need to rely on God. But our country was founded and based on living our lives for God,
When we first came to this country, it was to get away from religious oppression that the British were pushing on to people. We fought for the freedom from slavery. We have gone into foreign countries and even fought for their freedom. But now we see society turning from God. That is not working so great for our country as evidenced in the daily barrage of evil we see in the news. We have committed spiritual suicide by pulling away from what was once a part of almost every home in America.
Have you ever heard that you were purchased? Does that bring to mind being a slave, belonging or being a possession, do you feel that is a form of oppression. Or when you hear that do you feel like you are liberated, exhilarated knowing that God wants to claim you? That is what we should feel. We are the temple for the Holy Spirit, a helper God gave to us to make it through this world.
"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9
What an awesome thing to hear. That not only are we a chosen people, but one chosen by God Himself. He wanted us. He loves us so much that He was willing to sacrifice His Son so that we could have life with him. We were purchased at a high price, the price of Jesus' blood. Can you think of anyone in this world that would do that for you, or that you would do that for? What a prize. How cherished that makes me feel.
So knowing that we are a treasure to God frees us from that constant need to be what the world says we have to be. We do not have to be perfect, thin, smart, tall, rich or any of the things the world says gives us worth. Our worth is already there. God found us so worthy that He gave us life. He wanted us to be here at this time, in this place with these people. And that doesn't mean life is going to be easy. Oh No.
You see, in order to have freedom, a battle must be fought. That doesn't mean that we win a battle and it is all over. Just like in most countries, there can be multiple battles that we must face. But with each victory or even with defeat, we are winners. Unlike what the world says, when we are defeated is when God can walk in and do the most work. Its in our defeat that we are humbled enough to hear His gentle voice calling us to Him. The noise of the world sometimes drown His voice out, but when we find ourselves defeated, we can hear Him.
In todays day and age, we are bombarded with messages saying that we should think of ourselves, or that we can be self sufficient. You don't find many people willing to help others out unless there is something in it for them. Acts of kindness are so rare and when I am out shopping I have actually had people be extremely rude to me. People who are being paid to do a job. Wow. Our country has made a sharp downward turn just in my lifetime.
When I was little, my grandparents, parents and family were always doing things together or for each other. They did it for others as well. They gave their time, money and attention. And they did it all without expecting anything in return. I do the same thing now but it is getting harder and harder to do. People don't appreciate when you do something nice for them most of the time. It's almost like they expect it or that they think they deserve it.
The other day my son and I were at Wal-Mart when an elderly lady was struggling with her cart. She had purchased 2 big cases of water. I asked her if we could help her to her car. She looked at me stunned. She said, "you don't work here." I told her no we didn't but we would be more than happy to help her. We got her cart to her car and loaded her groceries. She was so happy. That was all the reward I needed. To see her smile.
It is in serving others that I find my reward. That I find freedom that comes from knowing that I am doing what God calls me to be. I lived in the chaos that the world pressured me into before. I fell for the lies that I must look a certain way, work a certain job, have possessions, be rich, smart, funny and on all the time, but God grants me mercy and grace. I don't have to be anything for Him to love me. I just need to believe in Him. Freedom.
Have a blessed day.
Dear heavenly Father, I pray for all of those who are seeking freedom from the stress of this world. I pray that they would find you, give their lives to you and in that find true freedom. Lord I ask that you keep them safe from the lies that the world tells us. That they would be able to accept themselves the way you made them. Thank you for blessing us with another day. Keep watch over my family and friends Amen.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Feeding the Temple with wisdom
Ok so now I am learning to have a right relationship with food, so what do I do to make sure that I am feeding it and using wisdom to do so? That is the tough question here. We are told to be anxious for nothing, and that makes sense, but when you are trying to find your way to healthy, you tend to be anxious about certain situations that involve food. How do you do this and not be anxious you might ask? The answer might seem easy, but it is one I know I have struggled with.
I am learning that my guide to eating healthy is to consider what it is that I am going to be putting into my body. Not to be anxious about it or to worry about what it might be, but to truly think about and consider what it is I am doing. I need to be thankful that I have a wide variety of food available to me on a daily basis. This may not be true for everyone, so this is where true consideration must come in. You need to ensure that the food you are choosing are foods that will nourish and not harm. Some companies may try to pass their food off as healthy by using deceptive packaging, labeling or advertising.
Learning to read labels and understanding them will be one step in making sure the food you are consuming is not processed, stuffed full of chemicals and unnatural coloring or flavors, or with artificial sweeteners. These types of food make it so that your body no longer can hear itself. That means you are not going to get hunger or fullness signals. With out these signals, you may find yourself overeating or craving foods that are unhealthy. How can we change this if this has already become your cycle?
"But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest. when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:27. This being said, I believe that as well as getting healthy in our eating, we must also get healthy physically. Never start an exercise program without first consulting with your doctor, but once you have, start easy. It is in gaining physical strength that you strengthen your emotional and mental strength.
Becoming physical helps your body to come into line with what God wants for our temple. As we begin an approved exercise program, our body begins to become the servant, and we, the master. Day to day activity makes us tired and can weaken us, but our spirit never tires. As we bring ourselves back into alignment with God in regards to our temple, we are better able to do the things God calls us to. Physical activity increases our endurance and flexibility so that we can respond to the tough things God demands at times.
Now, we have to realize that this will not be an overnight change. We didn't get where we are overnight, and we aren't going to reverse or change it overnight. No quick fixes contrary to all the advertisements we see. Yes in 30 days you can be stronger doing any type of exercise, but in 30 days your never going to look like the people in the infomercials we are bombarded with all the time. We want it to be true but just like the little kid in the care continuously asking, "are we there yet," it won't make the journey any faster.
We must practice the patience that God talks about in His word. In Hebrews 6:12, we are taught that patience is a fruit of the spirit. We must exercise it to grow it. When we do this, we are less likely to fall victim to that frustration that can set in when we don't see the immediate results the infomercials throw at us all the time. I just started running again and I am not fast by any means, but the phrase that runs through my head while I am running is, "slow and steady wins the race." I am not trying to win any race, I am just trying to finish strong. And to get healthier along the way.
I do this by setting small goals for myself. The first day I went out, my goal was just to walk a certain distance. I did that for a few days, and I felt good once I completed that. My other goal was to start adding more fruits and vegi's into my diet. I did that to. They may not seem significant, but they are a start. I try to keep track of what I eat daily in a journal. This helps me to look back and see what I am eating, it also holds me accountable for what I am putting into my temple. These little things begin to add up, and I am feeling better and stronger everyday.
So set the small goals, enjoy trying new foods, new exercises, just getting outside and being in nature. You will notice changes like you are getting stronger, you have more energy and your body is changing. You might see muscles where you never knew you had any. You will notice that you can walk farther without losing your breath. These little things are the gentle reminders that you made a right choice in getting healthy the right way. You may never be a size 4 or whatever it is society claims is beautiful, but you will be healthier, happier and better able to enjoy your life.
Remember to ask God to give you the wisdom to make right choices. Consult your doctor and/or a dietician to make sure you are properly fueling your body. Again it won't happen overnight, but one day you will wake up and feel better than you did when you started. Many blessings on you today and in your journey. God bless.
I am learning that my guide to eating healthy is to consider what it is that I am going to be putting into my body. Not to be anxious about it or to worry about what it might be, but to truly think about and consider what it is I am doing. I need to be thankful that I have a wide variety of food available to me on a daily basis. This may not be true for everyone, so this is where true consideration must come in. You need to ensure that the food you are choosing are foods that will nourish and not harm. Some companies may try to pass their food off as healthy by using deceptive packaging, labeling or advertising.
Learning to read labels and understanding them will be one step in making sure the food you are consuming is not processed, stuffed full of chemicals and unnatural coloring or flavors, or with artificial sweeteners. These types of food make it so that your body no longer can hear itself. That means you are not going to get hunger or fullness signals. With out these signals, you may find yourself overeating or craving foods that are unhealthy. How can we change this if this has already become your cycle?
"But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest. when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:27. This being said, I believe that as well as getting healthy in our eating, we must also get healthy physically. Never start an exercise program without first consulting with your doctor, but once you have, start easy. It is in gaining physical strength that you strengthen your emotional and mental strength.
Becoming physical helps your body to come into line with what God wants for our temple. As we begin an approved exercise program, our body begins to become the servant, and we, the master. Day to day activity makes us tired and can weaken us, but our spirit never tires. As we bring ourselves back into alignment with God in regards to our temple, we are better able to do the things God calls us to. Physical activity increases our endurance and flexibility so that we can respond to the tough things God demands at times.
Now, we have to realize that this will not be an overnight change. We didn't get where we are overnight, and we aren't going to reverse or change it overnight. No quick fixes contrary to all the advertisements we see. Yes in 30 days you can be stronger doing any type of exercise, but in 30 days your never going to look like the people in the infomercials we are bombarded with all the time. We want it to be true but just like the little kid in the care continuously asking, "are we there yet," it won't make the journey any faster.
We must practice the patience that God talks about in His word. In Hebrews 6:12, we are taught that patience is a fruit of the spirit. We must exercise it to grow it. When we do this, we are less likely to fall victim to that frustration that can set in when we don't see the immediate results the infomercials throw at us all the time. I just started running again and I am not fast by any means, but the phrase that runs through my head while I am running is, "slow and steady wins the race." I am not trying to win any race, I am just trying to finish strong. And to get healthier along the way.
I do this by setting small goals for myself. The first day I went out, my goal was just to walk a certain distance. I did that for a few days, and I felt good once I completed that. My other goal was to start adding more fruits and vegi's into my diet. I did that to. They may not seem significant, but they are a start. I try to keep track of what I eat daily in a journal. This helps me to look back and see what I am eating, it also holds me accountable for what I am putting into my temple. These little things begin to add up, and I am feeling better and stronger everyday.
So set the small goals, enjoy trying new foods, new exercises, just getting outside and being in nature. You will notice changes like you are getting stronger, you have more energy and your body is changing. You might see muscles where you never knew you had any. You will notice that you can walk farther without losing your breath. These little things are the gentle reminders that you made a right choice in getting healthy the right way. You may never be a size 4 or whatever it is society claims is beautiful, but you will be healthier, happier and better able to enjoy your life.
Remember to ask God to give you the wisdom to make right choices. Consult your doctor and/or a dietician to make sure you are properly fueling your body. Again it won't happen overnight, but one day you will wake up and feel better than you did when you started. Many blessings on you today and in your journey. God bless.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Peace and Joy in our temple
When I read scripture pertaining to my "temple", it says that God wants us to have peace in our lives. But I just couldn't seem to find that. Why? Because I kept comparing myself to what the world says people should look instead of trying to look more like Christ. Theses thoughts were contrary to God's word and therefore, stole my joy and peace. This concerns God. This hindered my ability to do what God has called me to do. This thinking was killing me.
But how do I know what is a right way to live a healthy life, meaning having a healthy relationship with food, and what way is wrong? I believe that it boils down to what is the reason I want to lose weight, how am I going to achieve weight loss and who am I before, during and after weight loss? Simple? Maybe, but I think this is much deeper. I believe there are biblical principles that I must follow in order to do this the right way.
So what is the reason that you want to lose weight. Jesus stated, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to finish His work." John 4:34. So I have to ask myself, am I wanting to lose the weight for the world, or because of the way God calls me to treat the temple? For me, being in my eating disorder was never about God. It was always about food. I thought about food so much so, that it consumed me. So I knew I needed to be careful about what I was about to undertake. I had gone through treatment, now I needed to find a balance and a right way to do what I know is right.
Now I don't mean thinking about just eating food, it was an obsession for me. I thought about what food was good, what was bad, where we were going to eat, how was I going to manage eating out and then acting in my behaviors. How would I be able to eat and not have my family know what I was doing. I would say I thought about food about 85-90% of the time. I worked during all this time as well so that meant trying to juggle my disorder while hiding it from everyone and still maintaining my life.
This meant that there wasn't much time to think about what God had called me to do or about the gifts He had given me that were to be used to further His kingdom. About why and how food was to be consumed. I didn't find joy in Him, I found it in food and in my disorder, but in order for me to be truly healthy and recover fully, I needed to restore a right relationship with food. That means I needed to retrain my brain after all these years of disordered thinking when it come to food, and use God's word and my dietician to help me create a right relationship, ordered thinking, and balance when it comes to food. That isn't easy in our American culture right now. Bigger, more and richer is what we do. So how was I going to find that healthy balance? In God's word.
God created food for us to enjoy, to provide nutrients and energy for daily living. Food is needed to repair our bodies and for our bodies to be able to rebuild themselves. Its when we begin to eat for reasons other that what God intended that it becomes a problem. Food was never meant to control us. That is why we are encouraged to, "lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us." Hebrews 12:1. That means I must be willing to lay aside what I have thought for so many years about food and to run to what God says is a right relationship with food.
So this being said, how can I then find a correct relationship with food and apply it in a way that helps me to supply the needs of my body and to help me be at a weight that is healthy? I believe the only way I can do this is to use a biblical approach that will guide me to reach that goal. I have read all kinds of weight loss books, joined weight loss programs, and paid all kinds of money trying to achieve what I wanted. Its crazy to think all the while, it was right there in front of me. In the bible. I didn't need some so called expert to tell me what to do. Its all in the bible. In Proverbs 23:1-3 it tells us how we are to eat. We are to eat with self control and to eat wisely.
I needed to learn to eat without fear or anxiety. That is not how God intended it to be. I needed to learn to choose my food wisely and to not eat to much. I am so privileged that I live in a country where I have so many good food choices. That in and of itself is a great blessing. Secondly, I am responsible to ensure that the foods I am choosing for myself are ones that are going to help my body and not hurt it. The more I choose foods in there natural state, the better my body can begin to learn the signal of satisfaction. Eating processed, chemical laden pre-packaged food is only going to mess me up more. These foods may make you feel full but they never really satisfy. I think this is why we crave them and then eat them in amounts that are clearly unhealthy.
So I began learning about the foods that I regularly turn to and what type of affect they have on me when I eat them. I noticed that when I ate certain things, I become to sluggish, so I tried to change up how much of those foods I was eating. Trying new, whole or raw foods, that means food close to its natural state, and seeing how your body feels. Be mindful if you have certain food allergies and avoid things that may cause you problems. Eat the food in its most natural, raw state. You get the most nutrients that way. That is in most cases except for meat.
Gluttony is a sin. When we eat a food to access, that is being gluttonous. We must eat with self control. That is hard when you are just starting out, especially if eating all the time was a habit. You didn't eat when you were hungry, you just ate to eat. So learning to eat when your body is hungry is something that will take time. I have been eating at certain times of the day, times that I decided, which is about every 3-4 hours. By doing this, I am resetting my internal signals. This is helping my body to relearn its natural hunger ques.
When I was eating the way I was before, I wasn't in a state of alertness, This means my judgment was impaired and I wasn't able to make right choices. "For the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness with clothe a man with rags." Proverbs 23:21 I couldn't make right food choices or eat the way God called me to because I was drunk on food so to speak. In order for me to hear God, I need to be alert but when you have a food addictions, you can't hear the Holy Spirit when he gently nudges you. You are in what I like to call, a "food fog." Not a good thing when one is trying to feed the temple.
Lastly today I am going to talk about my identity. I am called by God to walk the way Christ walked. I am a child of God and therefore called to live my life according to His will and purpose. My true identity is in Him. With my disorderly thinking about food, I was out of control. Food was what was controlling my life, not me and more importantly, not God. Because of this, although I was desperately trying to lose weight, I just kept gaining. I no longer was in control of the disorder but it was now controlling me. I lost my identity, who I am, who God called me to be.
Learning that who I am, my true identity, found only in Christ, is what has lead me out of that disordered thinking. My chance to hear that still small voice came on August 11th, 2014 when I lay in the emergency room thinking that this was it. I was not going to make it. Realizing that I had been slowly killing myself because I had lost who I was. God spoke to me and told me to tell the truth, to seek help and to turn back to Him. You know what, He was right.
I had to admit my problem, be honest with the Dr., nurses, my husband, co-workers, myself and then most importantly, to admit my weakness to God. I cried out to Him in my time of need. I began to pray and spend time in His word again. And guess what, daily He spoke to me. It was really quiet at first, because I was struggling to let go. Struggling with not being, "in control." But in this, I learned to let go of the thinking that was killing me. I learned to leave all of my burdens at the cross and to lean completely on my heavenly Father.
Letting go meant learning to love me to. Just that way I am. Not thin or fat, rich or poor, smart, pretty, none of those things that the world says I have to be in order to be of worth. I began to learn that my body, no matter what it looks like, is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I am learning that I can love me right where I am. And I am learning that this journey will be for a lifetime. There are no quick fixes, like the ones that got me to this place. It is going to take time, but I know that with Christ, all things are possible. I may never be what the world calls beautiful, and who really wants to be, but I will be what my Father created me to be. I am a child of God, I am beautiful, I am loved.
But how do I know what is a right way to live a healthy life, meaning having a healthy relationship with food, and what way is wrong? I believe that it boils down to what is the reason I want to lose weight, how am I going to achieve weight loss and who am I before, during and after weight loss? Simple? Maybe, but I think this is much deeper. I believe there are biblical principles that I must follow in order to do this the right way.
So what is the reason that you want to lose weight. Jesus stated, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me, and to finish His work." John 4:34. So I have to ask myself, am I wanting to lose the weight for the world, or because of the way God calls me to treat the temple? For me, being in my eating disorder was never about God. It was always about food. I thought about food so much so, that it consumed me. So I knew I needed to be careful about what I was about to undertake. I had gone through treatment, now I needed to find a balance and a right way to do what I know is right.
Now I don't mean thinking about just eating food, it was an obsession for me. I thought about what food was good, what was bad, where we were going to eat, how was I going to manage eating out and then acting in my behaviors. How would I be able to eat and not have my family know what I was doing. I would say I thought about food about 85-90% of the time. I worked during all this time as well so that meant trying to juggle my disorder while hiding it from everyone and still maintaining my life.
This meant that there wasn't much time to think about what God had called me to do or about the gifts He had given me that were to be used to further His kingdom. About why and how food was to be consumed. I didn't find joy in Him, I found it in food and in my disorder, but in order for me to be truly healthy and recover fully, I needed to restore a right relationship with food. That means I needed to retrain my brain after all these years of disordered thinking when it come to food, and use God's word and my dietician to help me create a right relationship, ordered thinking, and balance when it comes to food. That isn't easy in our American culture right now. Bigger, more and richer is what we do. So how was I going to find that healthy balance? In God's word.
God created food for us to enjoy, to provide nutrients and energy for daily living. Food is needed to repair our bodies and for our bodies to be able to rebuild themselves. Its when we begin to eat for reasons other that what God intended that it becomes a problem. Food was never meant to control us. That is why we are encouraged to, "lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us." Hebrews 12:1. That means I must be willing to lay aside what I have thought for so many years about food and to run to what God says is a right relationship with food.
So this being said, how can I then find a correct relationship with food and apply it in a way that helps me to supply the needs of my body and to help me be at a weight that is healthy? I believe the only way I can do this is to use a biblical approach that will guide me to reach that goal. I have read all kinds of weight loss books, joined weight loss programs, and paid all kinds of money trying to achieve what I wanted. Its crazy to think all the while, it was right there in front of me. In the bible. I didn't need some so called expert to tell me what to do. Its all in the bible. In Proverbs 23:1-3 it tells us how we are to eat. We are to eat with self control and to eat wisely.
I needed to learn to eat without fear or anxiety. That is not how God intended it to be. I needed to learn to choose my food wisely and to not eat to much. I am so privileged that I live in a country where I have so many good food choices. That in and of itself is a great blessing. Secondly, I am responsible to ensure that the foods I am choosing for myself are ones that are going to help my body and not hurt it. The more I choose foods in there natural state, the better my body can begin to learn the signal of satisfaction. Eating processed, chemical laden pre-packaged food is only going to mess me up more. These foods may make you feel full but they never really satisfy. I think this is why we crave them and then eat them in amounts that are clearly unhealthy.
So I began learning about the foods that I regularly turn to and what type of affect they have on me when I eat them. I noticed that when I ate certain things, I become to sluggish, so I tried to change up how much of those foods I was eating. Trying new, whole or raw foods, that means food close to its natural state, and seeing how your body feels. Be mindful if you have certain food allergies and avoid things that may cause you problems. Eat the food in its most natural, raw state. You get the most nutrients that way. That is in most cases except for meat.
Gluttony is a sin. When we eat a food to access, that is being gluttonous. We must eat with self control. That is hard when you are just starting out, especially if eating all the time was a habit. You didn't eat when you were hungry, you just ate to eat. So learning to eat when your body is hungry is something that will take time. I have been eating at certain times of the day, times that I decided, which is about every 3-4 hours. By doing this, I am resetting my internal signals. This is helping my body to relearn its natural hunger ques.
When I was eating the way I was before, I wasn't in a state of alertness, This means my judgment was impaired and I wasn't able to make right choices. "For the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness with clothe a man with rags." Proverbs 23:21 I couldn't make right food choices or eat the way God called me to because I was drunk on food so to speak. In order for me to hear God, I need to be alert but when you have a food addictions, you can't hear the Holy Spirit when he gently nudges you. You are in what I like to call, a "food fog." Not a good thing when one is trying to feed the temple.
Lastly today I am going to talk about my identity. I am called by God to walk the way Christ walked. I am a child of God and therefore called to live my life according to His will and purpose. My true identity is in Him. With my disorderly thinking about food, I was out of control. Food was what was controlling my life, not me and more importantly, not God. Because of this, although I was desperately trying to lose weight, I just kept gaining. I no longer was in control of the disorder but it was now controlling me. I lost my identity, who I am, who God called me to be.
Learning that who I am, my true identity, found only in Christ, is what has lead me out of that disordered thinking. My chance to hear that still small voice came on August 11th, 2014 when I lay in the emergency room thinking that this was it. I was not going to make it. Realizing that I had been slowly killing myself because I had lost who I was. God spoke to me and told me to tell the truth, to seek help and to turn back to Him. You know what, He was right.
I had to admit my problem, be honest with the Dr., nurses, my husband, co-workers, myself and then most importantly, to admit my weakness to God. I cried out to Him in my time of need. I began to pray and spend time in His word again. And guess what, daily He spoke to me. It was really quiet at first, because I was struggling to let go. Struggling with not being, "in control." But in this, I learned to let go of the thinking that was killing me. I learned to leave all of my burdens at the cross and to lean completely on my heavenly Father.
Letting go meant learning to love me to. Just that way I am. Not thin or fat, rich or poor, smart, pretty, none of those things that the world says I have to be in order to be of worth. I began to learn that my body, no matter what it looks like, is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I am learning that I can love me right where I am. And I am learning that this journey will be for a lifetime. There are no quick fixes, like the ones that got me to this place. It is going to take time, but I know that with Christ, all things are possible. I may never be what the world calls beautiful, and who really wants to be, but I will be what my Father created me to be. I am a child of God, I am beautiful, I am loved.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Shame myself thin?
Hello again. So today I am going to talk about another method I thought would be effective in my weight loss struggle. I thought that if I could just realize what shame I was brining to God by being overweight, I could have the motivation I needed to lose. Well It worked, for like a second. Yeah I stayed focused and lost a few pounds, but then if I slipped up, I would feel worse than before. That one little slip could lead to an oh well attitude, I would overeat and than say I will just start again on Monday. Enough of those types of slips lead me to be very overweight and out of shape.
So the shame thing does not work. Why you might ask? Well for me its because it doesn't allow for God's grace to have any space in my life. It does motivate me at first, but then it just leads to frustration and I become very discouraged. Its only when I am ready to accept God's grace that I can see what I need to do.
When I allow God's grace to move in, I can feel His love for me. This leads me to have a repentant heart and it changes the way I think about myself. I begin to see that God made me. He knit my very being into existence. He designed me and formed me and because of His deep love for me, I want to take care of myself. This isn't done by guilt or shame, it can only be done by accepting His grace and Love.
I must repent from the way I was trying to do it. This didn't happen for me overnight and it isn't done in me yet. Daily I must change my behaviors and attitude. Daily I need to choose how I am going to show up in my life. Am I going to revert to old habits, which by the way is the easy route, or am I going to fight for myself and my life and show up differently? I choose to show up differently. The other way I was doing things obviously wasn't helping me at all.
The key here is not to diet. It is to follow biblical principles and to nourish ourselves, not gorge ourselves. Portioning in America today is so out of wack that we can't trust it. We must learn to weigh and measure food so we can get the adequate amount of nutrients. There is not a diet to follow other than to know that God created food in a natural state to provide the nutrients we need. Trying to follow some restrictive diet just made me feel like a failure.
So when I wouldn't be able to follow the "diet", I would feel like I was disappointing God. He was never disappointed in me because he never expected something of me that He didn't already know was going to happen. I mean, He knew what choices I was going to make before I ever made them, so I couldn't disappoint Him in that. He already had a plan for me for my recovery. He was just waiting for me to decide I wanted something different.
That different is learning from my mistakes. So I know that before I was trying to do it all on my own terms. I know now that it doesn't work that way. I, in and of myself, can do nothing. I need Him and in recognizing this, I am able to move forward. I am just thankful that God is patient. He gently teaches me the right way and leads me where I need to go. Phillipians 1:6 tells me, "I can be confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in me, will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus." Knowing this, I can never give up on myself. I want you to know the same.
I will leave you with this today as I have some other things I need to attend to. I am praying that maybe with my humble writings, you to might find it in your self to have a little grace for yourself. That you, and I, might be able to see ourselves in a different light. Not as a failure in what we are trying to do, but as a person who is striving to be better at what I am doing. Learning from my mistakes as I go and using it to build a stronger me. Tomorrow I will touch on what is a proper way to approach food and weight.
Many blessings upon your day.
So the shame thing does not work. Why you might ask? Well for me its because it doesn't allow for God's grace to have any space in my life. It does motivate me at first, but then it just leads to frustration and I become very discouraged. Its only when I am ready to accept God's grace that I can see what I need to do.
When I allow God's grace to move in, I can feel His love for me. This leads me to have a repentant heart and it changes the way I think about myself. I begin to see that God made me. He knit my very being into existence. He designed me and formed me and because of His deep love for me, I want to take care of myself. This isn't done by guilt or shame, it can only be done by accepting His grace and Love.
I must repent from the way I was trying to do it. This didn't happen for me overnight and it isn't done in me yet. Daily I must change my behaviors and attitude. Daily I need to choose how I am going to show up in my life. Am I going to revert to old habits, which by the way is the easy route, or am I going to fight for myself and my life and show up differently? I choose to show up differently. The other way I was doing things obviously wasn't helping me at all.
The key here is not to diet. It is to follow biblical principles and to nourish ourselves, not gorge ourselves. Portioning in America today is so out of wack that we can't trust it. We must learn to weigh and measure food so we can get the adequate amount of nutrients. There is not a diet to follow other than to know that God created food in a natural state to provide the nutrients we need. Trying to follow some restrictive diet just made me feel like a failure.
So when I wouldn't be able to follow the "diet", I would feel like I was disappointing God. He was never disappointed in me because he never expected something of me that He didn't already know was going to happen. I mean, He knew what choices I was going to make before I ever made them, so I couldn't disappoint Him in that. He already had a plan for me for my recovery. He was just waiting for me to decide I wanted something different.
That different is learning from my mistakes. So I know that before I was trying to do it all on my own terms. I know now that it doesn't work that way. I, in and of myself, can do nothing. I need Him and in recognizing this, I am able to move forward. I am just thankful that God is patient. He gently teaches me the right way and leads me where I need to go. Phillipians 1:6 tells me, "I can be confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in me, will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus." Knowing this, I can never give up on myself. I want you to know the same.
I will leave you with this today as I have some other things I need to attend to. I am praying that maybe with my humble writings, you to might find it in your self to have a little grace for yourself. That you, and I, might be able to see ourselves in a different light. Not as a failure in what we are trying to do, but as a person who is striving to be better at what I am doing. Learning from my mistakes as I go and using it to build a stronger me. Tomorrow I will touch on what is a proper way to approach food and weight.
Many blessings upon your day.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
My body the temple
I bet when you read the title of this you were not thinking it was going to be about my eating disorder. But that is exactly what I am going to write about for the next few days. You see, the body is described as the temple in the Bible. It is where the Holy Spirit resides. So yes, by body is a temple, and yes it is one I have been struggling with for years.
So I am going to go back again to when my bulimia first started. It started because I was so consumed with what others thought was attractive, the ideal weight, what society said was "normal." I look back now and see what a mistake I made, but at the time, I was so worried about looking the part. What part that was, I couldn't even tell you.
So I delved deep into why I would have had an eating disorder, with the help of counseling of course. I was able to begin to identify what was my problem. The problem was I was hurting and I didn't feel worthy. I thought that if I could only look a certain way, I could be loved and accepted, not realizing that I was already loved and accepted by those who mattered.
I needed to find an answer as I began my recovery for a few things. One of which is, is there a correct weight, one that God wants me to be?, and does God really care what I might weigh? The answer to that is a resounding NO!!! God cares about me, don't get me wrong, but my weight has nothing to do with it. It says in the bible that man looks at the outside, while God looks much deeper. God looks at my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7). That being said, God doesn't care how much I might weigh. He is much more concerned about what condition my heart is in.
Our bodies are the temples of the Holy spirit. Because of this fact, we should strive to glorify Him in our spirit and in our body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20.) Jesus showed us how to do this. To live in a way that would bring glory to the Father. We are to bear much fruit, so we may be disciples. (John 15:8). We do this by walking the walk. Living out our lives the way God called us to and in a manner that brings glory to God. We cannot do that if we are so concerned about what society thinks about us. So what is the fruit that Jesus is talking about?
The fruit of the Spirit. That is what He was talking about. That means that we are to love, have joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. (Galatians 5:22-23) Wow. When I look at these I can truly see how my eating disorder kept me from "bearing fruit." It kept me so wrapped up in darkness and lies that my body was not a friendly place for the Holy Spirit. It was not a good place for me either.
The thoughts and behaviors I had in my life began to take over. Like, have you ever seen a lot that was once real pretty, nice trees, plants, grass, and than it gets deserted. In time the weeds take over, the grass withers and dies, the plants dry up, and eventually, if left long enough, even the trees die. Well that's what happened to me. The weeds hindered my ability to produce or "bear" fruit. Bulimia was a behavior that made me desert my "lot". I was using my behaviors to hide from the pain I had in my life. I thought I was doing it for weight loss but that was not the truth. The diet roller coaster began.
The weight I lost and than regained was just a manifestation of my life out of control. Every time I lost weight with a new fad diet, I would regain it and then some. Each time I felt worse and would become disappointed with my self. On to the next fad thing. All the while not realizing that I wasn't helping myself, I was actually destroying the temple. I was not being a good steward of what the Lord had given me. I was in essence, telling Him that he had made a mistake. And with all the diets, I was missing out on all the goodness that Lord had in store for me.
So what was the answer to my problem? How was I to overcome this eating disorder and live the way God called me? The answer is easy, I am to not worry about my weight but rather to focus on becoming a good steward of the temple He has blessed me with. This is the first step into recovery. I needed to get down on my knees and pray like King David did. I needed to pray that God would search my inmost self and know my heart. That He would test me and locate the anxieties I have from past hurts. To test me for any bad ways in me, and than to lead me in a way that gives eternal life. (Psalms 139:23-24).
I need His word daily to give me the wisdom needed to care for my temple. I need to also learn healthy balance. Only with Him can I have these things. I am learning how to eat properly and in a way that nourishes my body. I am also engaging in daily exercise, sometimes even though I don't want to. I am seeing a change in my attitude towards food and towards my temple. More importantly, I am feeling more energy and healthier than I have in years. I am no longer dieting, I am eating the way God called me to.
There are other parts to this that I want to talk about. I will continue to do this over the next week or so. I really want people to understand that God did not intend for us to be over-weight, under-weight, or sick. He provided for us the means to fill our bodies with the things required to keep it operating at an optimal level. The key is learning how to do that today when everything comes in a box, can or fast food wrapper. Again, a subject I will touch on later.
I will not be giving weight loss tips, or diet plans here. The only thing I will say is that we all need to learn to eat the way God designed us to. That I will address. And again, this is not medical advice. If you feel you need that kind of support, I highly recommend a licensed dietician, your doctor or another medical professional who can help in that area. God bless you and I look forward to tomorrows subject. (Hint: Can I use guilt to change my eating disorder?)
So I am going to go back again to when my bulimia first started. It started because I was so consumed with what others thought was attractive, the ideal weight, what society said was "normal." I look back now and see what a mistake I made, but at the time, I was so worried about looking the part. What part that was, I couldn't even tell you.
So I delved deep into why I would have had an eating disorder, with the help of counseling of course. I was able to begin to identify what was my problem. The problem was I was hurting and I didn't feel worthy. I thought that if I could only look a certain way, I could be loved and accepted, not realizing that I was already loved and accepted by those who mattered.
I needed to find an answer as I began my recovery for a few things. One of which is, is there a correct weight, one that God wants me to be?, and does God really care what I might weigh? The answer to that is a resounding NO!!! God cares about me, don't get me wrong, but my weight has nothing to do with it. It says in the bible that man looks at the outside, while God looks much deeper. God looks at my heart. (1 Samuel 16:7). That being said, God doesn't care how much I might weigh. He is much more concerned about what condition my heart is in.
Our bodies are the temples of the Holy spirit. Because of this fact, we should strive to glorify Him in our spirit and in our body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20.) Jesus showed us how to do this. To live in a way that would bring glory to the Father. We are to bear much fruit, so we may be disciples. (John 15:8). We do this by walking the walk. Living out our lives the way God called us to and in a manner that brings glory to God. We cannot do that if we are so concerned about what society thinks about us. So what is the fruit that Jesus is talking about?
The fruit of the Spirit. That is what He was talking about. That means that we are to love, have joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. (Galatians 5:22-23) Wow. When I look at these I can truly see how my eating disorder kept me from "bearing fruit." It kept me so wrapped up in darkness and lies that my body was not a friendly place for the Holy Spirit. It was not a good place for me either.
The thoughts and behaviors I had in my life began to take over. Like, have you ever seen a lot that was once real pretty, nice trees, plants, grass, and than it gets deserted. In time the weeds take over, the grass withers and dies, the plants dry up, and eventually, if left long enough, even the trees die. Well that's what happened to me. The weeds hindered my ability to produce or "bear" fruit. Bulimia was a behavior that made me desert my "lot". I was using my behaviors to hide from the pain I had in my life. I thought I was doing it for weight loss but that was not the truth. The diet roller coaster began.
The weight I lost and than regained was just a manifestation of my life out of control. Every time I lost weight with a new fad diet, I would regain it and then some. Each time I felt worse and would become disappointed with my self. On to the next fad thing. All the while not realizing that I wasn't helping myself, I was actually destroying the temple. I was not being a good steward of what the Lord had given me. I was in essence, telling Him that he had made a mistake. And with all the diets, I was missing out on all the goodness that Lord had in store for me.
So what was the answer to my problem? How was I to overcome this eating disorder and live the way God called me? The answer is easy, I am to not worry about my weight but rather to focus on becoming a good steward of the temple He has blessed me with. This is the first step into recovery. I needed to get down on my knees and pray like King David did. I needed to pray that God would search my inmost self and know my heart. That He would test me and locate the anxieties I have from past hurts. To test me for any bad ways in me, and than to lead me in a way that gives eternal life. (Psalms 139:23-24).
I need His word daily to give me the wisdom needed to care for my temple. I need to also learn healthy balance. Only with Him can I have these things. I am learning how to eat properly and in a way that nourishes my body. I am also engaging in daily exercise, sometimes even though I don't want to. I am seeing a change in my attitude towards food and towards my temple. More importantly, I am feeling more energy and healthier than I have in years. I am no longer dieting, I am eating the way God called me to.
There are other parts to this that I want to talk about. I will continue to do this over the next week or so. I really want people to understand that God did not intend for us to be over-weight, under-weight, or sick. He provided for us the means to fill our bodies with the things required to keep it operating at an optimal level. The key is learning how to do that today when everything comes in a box, can or fast food wrapper. Again, a subject I will touch on later.
I will not be giving weight loss tips, or diet plans here. The only thing I will say is that we all need to learn to eat the way God designed us to. That I will address. And again, this is not medical advice. If you feel you need that kind of support, I highly recommend a licensed dietician, your doctor or another medical professional who can help in that area. God bless you and I look forward to tomorrows subject. (Hint: Can I use guilt to change my eating disorder?)
Monday, October 20, 2014
Satisfaction
There is an old saying that goes like this, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." As a Christian, I truly hope people can see how much I care. I hope they know that when I ask, "how are you doing?" I genuinely want to know. But that is not true of everyone.
People go through life feeling unsatisfied. They look around and see others and think to themselves that they wish they had what others have. They think that they will only be happy if they look like someone else, own what others have, have a different job, car, spouse, boy or girl friend. They are continuely seek something new or different thinking that than and only than will they have true happiness.
The sad thing is that they never find true happiness. I know because I was one of those people. I too, thought that if only... but if only never came and I lived my life unsatisfied. unsatisfied with my self mostly, but sometimes in other areas. It robbed me of my joy, and from truly enjoying my family
There are numerous verses in the bible where God talks about satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself. To get a better education or to want a better life for yourself or your loved ones, it only becomes a problem when we want what we can't have or maybe it is what we shouldn't have. You need to have ambition to drive you to be the best you can at whatever you are doing. But at what point does it become bad?
I believe that it becomes evil when you are doing it for greed, selfishness, to manipulate others, and for nothing but to satisfy your own appetites. When it isn't done so that it will benefit others. You see, we can get caught up in the me, I, syndrome that seems to be taking over society today.
I have lived on both ends of the spectrum. I have lived very poor and I have lived where money wasn't even a question. The one thing I learned in both is that I always need God. I have been through some really rough times. Times where I wasn't even sure I would survive, but God was always right by my side. He held my hand and when I couldn't walk, He carried me. It is in Him that I have found true satisfaction. I no longer have to look to the world for that.
Phillipians 4:10-13 says, "But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have received your concern for me; indeed you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
I have learned that I can be satisfied in my life in everything and that I can do all things because of God. I may not be rich by societies standards but boy am I rich in other ways. I have been given so many blessings and I am truly thankful for them all. I want to only ever find my satisfaction in Him because I know that I can only ever be truly satisfied in Him.
My satisfaction comes in knowing, "Godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8. I am content with what God has provided. I have faith that He will always provide. He has led me out of the darkness and into the light. What more could I ask of Him. He has brought me into a place of true satisfaction.
People go through life feeling unsatisfied. They look around and see others and think to themselves that they wish they had what others have. They think that they will only be happy if they look like someone else, own what others have, have a different job, car, spouse, boy or girl friend. They are continuely seek something new or different thinking that than and only than will they have true happiness.
The sad thing is that they never find true happiness. I know because I was one of those people. I too, thought that if only... but if only never came and I lived my life unsatisfied. unsatisfied with my self mostly, but sometimes in other areas. It robbed me of my joy, and from truly enjoying my family
There are numerous verses in the bible where God talks about satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself. To get a better education or to want a better life for yourself or your loved ones, it only becomes a problem when we want what we can't have or maybe it is what we shouldn't have. You need to have ambition to drive you to be the best you can at whatever you are doing. But at what point does it become bad?
I believe that it becomes evil when you are doing it for greed, selfishness, to manipulate others, and for nothing but to satisfy your own appetites. When it isn't done so that it will benefit others. You see, we can get caught up in the me, I, syndrome that seems to be taking over society today.
I have lived on both ends of the spectrum. I have lived very poor and I have lived where money wasn't even a question. The one thing I learned in both is that I always need God. I have been through some really rough times. Times where I wasn't even sure I would survive, but God was always right by my side. He held my hand and when I couldn't walk, He carried me. It is in Him that I have found true satisfaction. I no longer have to look to the world for that.
Phillipians 4:10-13 says, "But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have received your concern for me; indeed you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
I have learned that I can be satisfied in my life in everything and that I can do all things because of God. I may not be rich by societies standards but boy am I rich in other ways. I have been given so many blessings and I am truly thankful for them all. I want to only ever find my satisfaction in Him because I know that I can only ever be truly satisfied in Him.
My satisfaction comes in knowing, "Godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8. I am content with what God has provided. I have faith that He will always provide. He has led me out of the darkness and into the light. What more could I ask of Him. He has brought me into a place of true satisfaction.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
More than conquerors...
Romans 8:37 " In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."
So my blogs have been about a lot of things but not really me. It seems that I am really good at talking about things but not really about what is going on with me. The whole reason I wanted to blog was so that people who may be struggling could see that they are not alone. That you can overcome the things that seem so much bigger than you.
Sadly I don't believe I have been doing that. I really want this to be about my journey. So here it goes. I have been out of partial hospitalization treatment for almost a month now. I am going to out patient treatment at this point. The PHP portion of treatment was awful. I was so far away from my family. And it wasn't just me, there were people who were there from way back east. It is so hard to be ripped from all that you know and thrown together with complete strangers.
You are there and expected to talk about yourself, what your feeling, what lead you to this place, what happened in your past, etc. They dig at you every day for 11 hours a day. And they make you eat 6 times a day. I mean, it was nice not having to cook or clean up a kitchen, but it was a struggle. Oh and the food. Lets just say that if it was a restaurant, they would have been out of business within a week. Some of it wasn't bad, that is a very little some.
Its like being a child. You go from group to group all day. Most of the people there don't really want to be so you spend some groups alone with the MC. That is so sad. You are there to be helped and you ignore it. I hated that. Going to groups and being the only one to show. Sometimes others would show up, that is when it was the best. You could really get something then.
When others showed up, I got to hear their struggles. It made me sad, but it also helped me not to feel like there was something wrong with me. I mean there was, but I wasn't alone. These people were feeling the same thing I was, they had experienced similar things, they got me. I could let down and really talk about what was going on with me. For the first time, I could talk about my E.D. and not have people think I was weird.
I met some really nice people in treatment. People that encouraged me to stay the course, to keep fighting, and that I was worth it. They were struggling with there own E.D. but they took time to care about others. Just like me, we could see what others needed, but we couldn't see what we needed. It wasn't easy to put the focus on myself. To think about me and what I needed.
I really started to learn who I am, to like me and to be able to use my voice. Using my voice was probably the hardest thing to do. To learn to speak my needs in a way that conveys what I truly need, and not what would please others. Being the peace maker my whole life had made me susceptible to seeing to others needs above my own. I think that may be true of a lot of people who struggle with E.D.
Fighting for me and getting through PHP was a big accomplishment. I wanted to quit so many times. I would call Ed and beg him to come and get me or to just let me come home. I felt like I was there for years, and nighttime was my biggest struggle. I felt so all alone at night. I have been with my husband for 26 years and not since he joined the Army had we been apart this long. It was so hard.
But I did stay. I stayed until I finished my treatment there. Than I came home and started out patient. I am really hoping that we can get to the bottom of why I did what I did. I don't want to ever go back to being that person but I can feel her hanging around in the edges. She is just waiting for a chance to sneak back in. I won't let her though. I did not work this hard and spend all that time away from my family, oh and not to mention. lose my job, just so I could go back to that. It isn't who I am anymore.
Recovery is what I truly want. To be completely free from the desire to do that again. To never even wonder about it. That is what I continue to work towards. I get frustrated at times. I feel lonely on this journey, but I know I am not. My husband is by my side, and my family is in my corner, and my friends are all praying for me.
My grandpa Harper used to say that if I a person was going to do something, they should give 110%. Well that's what I am going to do. I will keep fighting this until I win. Until I conquer it.
So my blogs have been about a lot of things but not really me. It seems that I am really good at talking about things but not really about what is going on with me. The whole reason I wanted to blog was so that people who may be struggling could see that they are not alone. That you can overcome the things that seem so much bigger than you.
Sadly I don't believe I have been doing that. I really want this to be about my journey. So here it goes. I have been out of partial hospitalization treatment for almost a month now. I am going to out patient treatment at this point. The PHP portion of treatment was awful. I was so far away from my family. And it wasn't just me, there were people who were there from way back east. It is so hard to be ripped from all that you know and thrown together with complete strangers.
You are there and expected to talk about yourself, what your feeling, what lead you to this place, what happened in your past, etc. They dig at you every day for 11 hours a day. And they make you eat 6 times a day. I mean, it was nice not having to cook or clean up a kitchen, but it was a struggle. Oh and the food. Lets just say that if it was a restaurant, they would have been out of business within a week. Some of it wasn't bad, that is a very little some.
Its like being a child. You go from group to group all day. Most of the people there don't really want to be so you spend some groups alone with the MC. That is so sad. You are there to be helped and you ignore it. I hated that. Going to groups and being the only one to show. Sometimes others would show up, that is when it was the best. You could really get something then.
When others showed up, I got to hear their struggles. It made me sad, but it also helped me not to feel like there was something wrong with me. I mean there was, but I wasn't alone. These people were feeling the same thing I was, they had experienced similar things, they got me. I could let down and really talk about what was going on with me. For the first time, I could talk about my E.D. and not have people think I was weird.
I met some really nice people in treatment. People that encouraged me to stay the course, to keep fighting, and that I was worth it. They were struggling with there own E.D. but they took time to care about others. Just like me, we could see what others needed, but we couldn't see what we needed. It wasn't easy to put the focus on myself. To think about me and what I needed.
I really started to learn who I am, to like me and to be able to use my voice. Using my voice was probably the hardest thing to do. To learn to speak my needs in a way that conveys what I truly need, and not what would please others. Being the peace maker my whole life had made me susceptible to seeing to others needs above my own. I think that may be true of a lot of people who struggle with E.D.
Fighting for me and getting through PHP was a big accomplishment. I wanted to quit so many times. I would call Ed and beg him to come and get me or to just let me come home. I felt like I was there for years, and nighttime was my biggest struggle. I felt so all alone at night. I have been with my husband for 26 years and not since he joined the Army had we been apart this long. It was so hard.
But I did stay. I stayed until I finished my treatment there. Than I came home and started out patient. I am really hoping that we can get to the bottom of why I did what I did. I don't want to ever go back to being that person but I can feel her hanging around in the edges. She is just waiting for a chance to sneak back in. I won't let her though. I did not work this hard and spend all that time away from my family, oh and not to mention. lose my job, just so I could go back to that. It isn't who I am anymore.
Recovery is what I truly want. To be completely free from the desire to do that again. To never even wonder about it. That is what I continue to work towards. I get frustrated at times. I feel lonely on this journey, but I know I am not. My husband is by my side, and my family is in my corner, and my friends are all praying for me.
My grandpa Harper used to say that if I a person was going to do something, they should give 110%. Well that's what I am going to do. I will keep fighting this until I win. Until I conquer it.
Deep thoughts
I had an interesting thought this morning. I posed a question to people on facebook asking them, if money was not an object, what would you do with your life? I was really curious what people would say. Would they want to buy things, spend time with loved ones, give to others either in money or in time? The answers were pretty much what I predicted.
Most people would travel, spend time with loved ones, buy the things they needed. This is what I was hoping to find out. Are we a caring society still or have we become a me, me, I, I, society. This is the true question.
The interesting thing that I saw while I was in treatment was that some had this way of thinking. They kept talking about how we needed to think of ourselves, and to an extent, I agreed. But the way they were teaching, was that we should only ever think of ourselves. That life should be about what we want, feel, need, and desire.
That has become the common theme now days. You see so many people walking around hurting and you see people just ignore that hurt. I don't think they do it on purpose. I believe that people in general are hurting in some way. They may be lonely, have financial needs, family problems, divorce or whatever else brings hurt into their lives. That type of hurt makes it hard to see the needs of others. And who teaches us differently?
God designed us in such a way that we need others in our lives. Technology has begun to take that place for us. We get so wrapped up in TV programs, computers, games, cell phones. It is everywhere. It has taken the place of relationships. I see it daily, people out to dinner together and no one talking but everyone on there cell phones. Family night is watching TV in separate rooms. Spending time together is riding in the car to the same place.
Is that what we have become? Is that what we want to be? My grandmother was a loving person. And she had a great idea for us growing up. We were only allowed to be exposed to "technology", for one hour a day. The rest of the time we were to spend time with each other and playing outside. It was a way of keeping us connected to each other. Who wouldn't want that? But it is missing in our society today.
Yesterday as we were driving, we found a woman lying on the ground. She had broken her nose and was just laying there in her blood. People drove by or walked by and didn't do anything. We stopped and checked her. Ed called 911 and we stayed with her until they arrived. I felt so sad for her. I wondered how long she had lay there before we came along.
This is what lead me to ask the question, if money were no object, what would you do? The responses were varied. Some responded by saying that they would do for themselves and others responded by saying they would help others. It was what I expected. Some people find in themselves that innate need to help others. It is what drives me to do what I do. I always try to think of others before myself.
It is not a bad thing to want to do for yourself. I am learning this slowly. But in learning this I must realize that I need to also help others. Its finding the balance that is the tricky part. We all need to learn this for ourselves. It makes life so much easier when we can do this. Through treatment, I am learning that balance in all areas of life is the key to finding yourself much happier. This includes in my eating.
I see so much sadness in this life, sadness not caused by death alone, but by betrayal, anger, hate, meanness and just flat out evil. People can be so cruel in their words and actions, so negative in what they say, not realizing what a blessing life is. People truly believe that having money, or stuff is what will make them happy. It isn't. Rich people are not truly happy. Look deeper inside of you. What do you truly value? Those are the things you should live for if money were of no matter.
This is what I want to live for. I want to live for God, family, love, friends and yes, to serve others. It is not hard. I have been doing some of it for a long time. It is now my job to find the balance, to be loving and giving to those who are part of my family first. That is where I failed before. I was always doing for others first to the detriment of my family and friends. No longer an option for me.
How about you?
Most people would travel, spend time with loved ones, buy the things they needed. This is what I was hoping to find out. Are we a caring society still or have we become a me, me, I, I, society. This is the true question.
The interesting thing that I saw while I was in treatment was that some had this way of thinking. They kept talking about how we needed to think of ourselves, and to an extent, I agreed. But the way they were teaching, was that we should only ever think of ourselves. That life should be about what we want, feel, need, and desire.
That has become the common theme now days. You see so many people walking around hurting and you see people just ignore that hurt. I don't think they do it on purpose. I believe that people in general are hurting in some way. They may be lonely, have financial needs, family problems, divorce or whatever else brings hurt into their lives. That type of hurt makes it hard to see the needs of others. And who teaches us differently?
God designed us in such a way that we need others in our lives. Technology has begun to take that place for us. We get so wrapped up in TV programs, computers, games, cell phones. It is everywhere. It has taken the place of relationships. I see it daily, people out to dinner together and no one talking but everyone on there cell phones. Family night is watching TV in separate rooms. Spending time together is riding in the car to the same place.
Is that what we have become? Is that what we want to be? My grandmother was a loving person. And she had a great idea for us growing up. We were only allowed to be exposed to "technology", for one hour a day. The rest of the time we were to spend time with each other and playing outside. It was a way of keeping us connected to each other. Who wouldn't want that? But it is missing in our society today.
Yesterday as we were driving, we found a woman lying on the ground. She had broken her nose and was just laying there in her blood. People drove by or walked by and didn't do anything. We stopped and checked her. Ed called 911 and we stayed with her until they arrived. I felt so sad for her. I wondered how long she had lay there before we came along.
This is what lead me to ask the question, if money were no object, what would you do? The responses were varied. Some responded by saying that they would do for themselves and others responded by saying they would help others. It was what I expected. Some people find in themselves that innate need to help others. It is what drives me to do what I do. I always try to think of others before myself.
It is not a bad thing to want to do for yourself. I am learning this slowly. But in learning this I must realize that I need to also help others. Its finding the balance that is the tricky part. We all need to learn this for ourselves. It makes life so much easier when we can do this. Through treatment, I am learning that balance in all areas of life is the key to finding yourself much happier. This includes in my eating.
I see so much sadness in this life, sadness not caused by death alone, but by betrayal, anger, hate, meanness and just flat out evil. People can be so cruel in their words and actions, so negative in what they say, not realizing what a blessing life is. People truly believe that having money, or stuff is what will make them happy. It isn't. Rich people are not truly happy. Look deeper inside of you. What do you truly value? Those are the things you should live for if money were of no matter.
This is what I want to live for. I want to live for God, family, love, friends and yes, to serve others. It is not hard. I have been doing some of it for a long time. It is now my job to find the balance, to be loving and giving to those who are part of my family first. That is where I failed before. I was always doing for others first to the detriment of my family and friends. No longer an option for me.
How about you?
Sunday, October 12, 2014
WHY?
There are days when the struggle is still there, and I struggle the most with the WHY? I know that in heartache it is probably normal to ask God why? Why would He allow this to happen to me? Why would he take my loved one? Why would He allow me to lose my job? I remember that even Jesus and David questioned God.
I need to turn to God with these hard questions. I need to seek His heart. And I need to ask myself why am I questioning His decisions in my life. Is it because I am ready to submit to Him, or is it because I disagree and want to rebel against Him?
To ask in a way that is to lift up my heart to God, I start on a path to truly seek to understand how I can submit my will to God's will. But if I don't come into agreement with what God is telling me, it is a way of disagreeing with Him and refusing to follow His will. If I choose this way, I am starting myself down the path of bitterness which eventually will lead me to more heartache and loss.
Today I am going to God with my questions. I am asking not assuming I will get an answer today, but knowing that in God's timing, I will get my answer. It might not be the answer that I want either. Sometimes His answer is no, and that is ok. I know that everyone who grieves wants answers, to have there heart and their lives back to normal, but I accept that I will have to struggle through the pain so that my life can have even more purpose.
I am tired of trying to end my own grief, trying to figure it out on my own. Trying to figure out the WHY? The only one who can do this is God. I need to go to Him and ask those hard questions, to grow through my grief, to maybe even wrestle with God in a respectful way and submitting my heart to Him, and to ask Him to carry me through the pain. I want to boldly ask Him to make something good come out of the heartache I am surviving.
I am pleading with my God to teach me the spiritual and life lessons that will be needed to help me through this grief and eventually, to use me to help others as they start asking the WHY?. To allow those around me to see the light of Christ, and for my story to allow others to see that grief doesn't have to destroy you.
In the word, God teaches me that when I wrestle God, the reward is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. That I will receive the crown of life that He has promised to all that love Him. Today I got alone with God, I poured out my heart to him, and I asked Him some of those tough questions. I begged Him to meet me right where I am. I opened up to Him and was honest about where I am in my journey of grief. I shared my thoughts and my feeling knowing that He already knows them all. He just wants to hear me speak them.
I just want to say that if you choose to go to Him and ask those hard questions, don't worry if you don't get an answer. The most important thing is that you find God's heart. I went to God about my eating disorder, I opened up and was honest about my struggles. I admitted that I did not have the strength to do it on my own after years of trying to figure it out alone.
We don't have to do it alone. We have someone who is there with us all the time. God can help me to balance my life and my broken heart. I know that He truly desires that I make it through this grief and have the life that He always intended for me to have. In spite of my grief over the loss of my dad, letting go of my eating disorder, losing my job, and living in a new town where I know no one, He is there for me, just like he can be there for you.
I am praying that God will begin a new work in my life. I am ready to go forward to whatever God is calling me to. I know that He has an amazing plan for me once I come out of my grief. Well even before I get out of my grief. I am trusting that He has a plan for my life for a job, and whatever else He is calling me to. I am open Father, do the work in me that will make me an instrument for Your glory. Help me to love those around me in the way that You do.
James 1 is the verse I standing on today. It speaks to what I need to know. I am drawing closer to God everyday.
I need to turn to God with these hard questions. I need to seek His heart. And I need to ask myself why am I questioning His decisions in my life. Is it because I am ready to submit to Him, or is it because I disagree and want to rebel against Him?
To ask in a way that is to lift up my heart to God, I start on a path to truly seek to understand how I can submit my will to God's will. But if I don't come into agreement with what God is telling me, it is a way of disagreeing with Him and refusing to follow His will. If I choose this way, I am starting myself down the path of bitterness which eventually will lead me to more heartache and loss.
Today I am going to God with my questions. I am asking not assuming I will get an answer today, but knowing that in God's timing, I will get my answer. It might not be the answer that I want either. Sometimes His answer is no, and that is ok. I know that everyone who grieves wants answers, to have there heart and their lives back to normal, but I accept that I will have to struggle through the pain so that my life can have even more purpose.
I am tired of trying to end my own grief, trying to figure it out on my own. Trying to figure out the WHY? The only one who can do this is God. I need to go to Him and ask those hard questions, to grow through my grief, to maybe even wrestle with God in a respectful way and submitting my heart to Him, and to ask Him to carry me through the pain. I want to boldly ask Him to make something good come out of the heartache I am surviving.
I am pleading with my God to teach me the spiritual and life lessons that will be needed to help me through this grief and eventually, to use me to help others as they start asking the WHY?. To allow those around me to see the light of Christ, and for my story to allow others to see that grief doesn't have to destroy you.
In the word, God teaches me that when I wrestle God, the reward is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. That I will receive the crown of life that He has promised to all that love Him. Today I got alone with God, I poured out my heart to him, and I asked Him some of those tough questions. I begged Him to meet me right where I am. I opened up to Him and was honest about where I am in my journey of grief. I shared my thoughts and my feeling knowing that He already knows them all. He just wants to hear me speak them.
I just want to say that if you choose to go to Him and ask those hard questions, don't worry if you don't get an answer. The most important thing is that you find God's heart. I went to God about my eating disorder, I opened up and was honest about my struggles. I admitted that I did not have the strength to do it on my own after years of trying to figure it out alone.
We don't have to do it alone. We have someone who is there with us all the time. God can help me to balance my life and my broken heart. I know that He truly desires that I make it through this grief and have the life that He always intended for me to have. In spite of my grief over the loss of my dad, letting go of my eating disorder, losing my job, and living in a new town where I know no one, He is there for me, just like he can be there for you.
I am praying that God will begin a new work in my life. I am ready to go forward to whatever God is calling me to. I know that He has an amazing plan for me once I come out of my grief. Well even before I get out of my grief. I am trusting that He has a plan for my life for a job, and whatever else He is calling me to. I am open Father, do the work in me that will make me an instrument for Your glory. Help me to love those around me in the way that You do.
James 1 is the verse I standing on today. It speaks to what I need to know. I am drawing closer to God everyday.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Reality
I talked to a few of my friends from treatment today. They all concur that reality is a lot tougher than being in treatment. I have to agree. I mean, I don't wish to go back, its just that in treatment you focus on yourself all day long. At home you have everyone else to worry about. It kind of makes it hard to concentrate on yourself when you have the demands of the world or just your daily life.
I came home and immediately we took a short trip to see a friend of Ed's. The following week I had to drive out to California to pick up my son. When I finally got home, I had to start unpacking because we moved to this house while my dad was sick, and I wasn't really here to help with the move. So there are a few things I have been trying to get straightened out around here. And lots to still unpack and figure out where I want to put it.
I can imagine that all the others who went home before, and after, I did are finding some similar struggles. Life kind of smacks you around a bit when you first get home from treatment. It would be all to easy to fall into familiar patterns, but I know that is not what I want. I worked hard for my recovery, and to start getting to know myself. I am starting to like myself and learning how to speak to my needs. That is the hard part for me.
I don't really struggle with eating disorder desires, mostly with just knowing when and how to speak up for myself. How to voice my needs without hurting those I am speaking to. How to let people know what it is I need and not to feel like a burden. Throw in trying to find a new job, applying, interviewing, the whole 9 yards, and you can see why I am a bit overwhelmed.
Its ok though. The challenges I mean. They are helping me to work towards recovery and a more normal life. They push me further into the arms of Jesus. I am relying on God much more these days. Not trying to think that I have to do it all by myself. And reaching out and asking for help when I need it. That part is new to me as well.
Not that I never asked for help before, its just that I would ask and than say never mind. I am ok. I always felt like I was imposing on others when I asked for their help. And even when they seemed more than willing, I still felt guilty. It sounds weird I know, but it just was the way my brain was wired. I am uncrossing some of those wires now. Learning that when someone offers to help you, they really mean it.
Learning that people really do care and that I don't have to do something for them just to get them to, that is new. Learning to trust that I am not a burden, or unworthy of that help, feels kind of nice. I know that I am not perfect at it yet, I probably never will be, but I am working on being better at it. With the help of my therapist, I am learning to let go of a bunch of things that occupied a lot of space in my life. Things that had no business there.
Life in reality isn't easy for anyone. I am not alone in this thinking. I just know that life without God would make it a million times worse. I am thankful for His mercy and love. I am thankful for the family, friends and those who are helping me through this right now. Without the help and prayers, there is no telling where I would be right now. I know its hard, and it will be harder at times, but I am learning that I am a fighter. I have strength and endurance. I may get slapped with life sometimes, and it may even seem like it is winning, but in the end, I am still standing, a bit wobbly maybe, but standing non the less.
Hang in there. Reality isn't the big scary monster it tries to pretend to be. Give yourself credit, your strength has brought you this far. And for those who cry out for help when they can't do it alone anymore, your strength is even greater than those who try to go it alone. Until tomorrow, sweet dreams, God's blessings, and keep on keepin on.
I came home and immediately we took a short trip to see a friend of Ed's. The following week I had to drive out to California to pick up my son. When I finally got home, I had to start unpacking because we moved to this house while my dad was sick, and I wasn't really here to help with the move. So there are a few things I have been trying to get straightened out around here. And lots to still unpack and figure out where I want to put it.
I can imagine that all the others who went home before, and after, I did are finding some similar struggles. Life kind of smacks you around a bit when you first get home from treatment. It would be all to easy to fall into familiar patterns, but I know that is not what I want. I worked hard for my recovery, and to start getting to know myself. I am starting to like myself and learning how to speak to my needs. That is the hard part for me.
I don't really struggle with eating disorder desires, mostly with just knowing when and how to speak up for myself. How to voice my needs without hurting those I am speaking to. How to let people know what it is I need and not to feel like a burden. Throw in trying to find a new job, applying, interviewing, the whole 9 yards, and you can see why I am a bit overwhelmed.
Its ok though. The challenges I mean. They are helping me to work towards recovery and a more normal life. They push me further into the arms of Jesus. I am relying on God much more these days. Not trying to think that I have to do it all by myself. And reaching out and asking for help when I need it. That part is new to me as well.
Not that I never asked for help before, its just that I would ask and than say never mind. I am ok. I always felt like I was imposing on others when I asked for their help. And even when they seemed more than willing, I still felt guilty. It sounds weird I know, but it just was the way my brain was wired. I am uncrossing some of those wires now. Learning that when someone offers to help you, they really mean it.
Learning that people really do care and that I don't have to do something for them just to get them to, that is new. Learning to trust that I am not a burden, or unworthy of that help, feels kind of nice. I know that I am not perfect at it yet, I probably never will be, but I am working on being better at it. With the help of my therapist, I am learning to let go of a bunch of things that occupied a lot of space in my life. Things that had no business there.
Life in reality isn't easy for anyone. I am not alone in this thinking. I just know that life without God would make it a million times worse. I am thankful for His mercy and love. I am thankful for the family, friends and those who are helping me through this right now. Without the help and prayers, there is no telling where I would be right now. I know its hard, and it will be harder at times, but I am learning that I am a fighter. I have strength and endurance. I may get slapped with life sometimes, and it may even seem like it is winning, but in the end, I am still standing, a bit wobbly maybe, but standing non the less.
Hang in there. Reality isn't the big scary monster it tries to pretend to be. Give yourself credit, your strength has brought you this far. And for those who cry out for help when they can't do it alone anymore, your strength is even greater than those who try to go it alone. Until tomorrow, sweet dreams, God's blessings, and keep on keepin on.
Ending the grip of grief!
I have learned that grief is a tough place to be. You feel like you are trapped between 2 worlds. You are not quite living in the now, and you can't go back to what once was. It feels like there is so much pressure placed on you to just hurry up and get over it. People don't like to see people sad so they think the best way to help you is just to tell you to quit grieving. Get over it, or get on with life. Its not that simple. They mean well but they just don't get it sometimes.
If you lost someone or something that had deep meaning to you, you know that getting over is just isn't going to happen. The sadness creeps in and you just can't seem to shake it sometimes.
There is hope though. You can learn to live your life to the fullest again. You can even learn to love and enjoy it. Just remember that it does take time.
I was so deep in my grief that I couldn't even see what was happening around me. I couldn't see that path of destruction I was on. It was a slippery slope and the further along it I walked, the steeper it became. I would occasionally reach out and try to grab on to something so I wouldn't slip all the way, but inevitably it happened. I lost my footing and down I went.
I needed to learn to avoid the pitfalls of further grief or loss. I went in to treatment and they taught me that I needed to live in the moment. In the here and now, not in the past which I couldn't change, and not in the future where things had not yet happened. I just needed someone to point me in the right direction, to throw me a rope and help drag me out of the pit of despair I found myself in.
I am learning that grief, especially that of a loved one who you are very close to, hurts so bad, but that they wouldn't want us to stop living. They would want us to live our lives and to truly love the people we have here. This doesn't mean to forget our loved ones who have gone home to be with the Lord, but to live a life with the people who are still here with us. It is a challenge and is very difficult when that wound is fresh, but I am so thankful that I am starting to see, and live my life to its fullest.
Take the time you need to grieve, otherwise that wound doesn't truly heal, but don't forget you are still here. Don't let yourself get caught up in feeling guilty for living, loving and enjoying the life God has given you. Do it in your own time. Don't rush it, but remember that your loved one would truly want you to live, laugh, love and enjoy your life. Remember that they were happy when you were happy while they were here and that they would still want that joy in your life now.
It might be sad sometimes to make those new memories without your loved one being here, but the loved ones who are still in your life need those memories. And whether you realize it or not, so do you. We are never guaranteed tomorrow because we only have today, but God wants us to be wise in the moments He has blessed us with. To live in the right here, right now.
Its going to take time, and It is very difficult at times, but take baby steps to get back into your life. Enjoy your loved ones. Create a new normal for yourself. Fulfill His calling in your life and you will never regret it. And Laugh, don't forget to laugh. It is so healing when you do.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18.
God bless your day.
If you lost someone or something that had deep meaning to you, you know that getting over is just isn't going to happen. The sadness creeps in and you just can't seem to shake it sometimes.
There is hope though. You can learn to live your life to the fullest again. You can even learn to love and enjoy it. Just remember that it does take time.
I was so deep in my grief that I couldn't even see what was happening around me. I couldn't see that path of destruction I was on. It was a slippery slope and the further along it I walked, the steeper it became. I would occasionally reach out and try to grab on to something so I wouldn't slip all the way, but inevitably it happened. I lost my footing and down I went.
I needed to learn to avoid the pitfalls of further grief or loss. I went in to treatment and they taught me that I needed to live in the moment. In the here and now, not in the past which I couldn't change, and not in the future where things had not yet happened. I just needed someone to point me in the right direction, to throw me a rope and help drag me out of the pit of despair I found myself in.
I am learning that grief, especially that of a loved one who you are very close to, hurts so bad, but that they wouldn't want us to stop living. They would want us to live our lives and to truly love the people we have here. This doesn't mean to forget our loved ones who have gone home to be with the Lord, but to live a life with the people who are still here with us. It is a challenge and is very difficult when that wound is fresh, but I am so thankful that I am starting to see, and live my life to its fullest.
Take the time you need to grieve, otherwise that wound doesn't truly heal, but don't forget you are still here. Don't let yourself get caught up in feeling guilty for living, loving and enjoying the life God has given you. Do it in your own time. Don't rush it, but remember that your loved one would truly want you to live, laugh, love and enjoy your life. Remember that they were happy when you were happy while they were here and that they would still want that joy in your life now.
It might be sad sometimes to make those new memories without your loved one being here, but the loved ones who are still in your life need those memories. And whether you realize it or not, so do you. We are never guaranteed tomorrow because we only have today, but God wants us to be wise in the moments He has blessed us with. To live in the right here, right now.
Its going to take time, and It is very difficult at times, but take baby steps to get back into your life. Enjoy your loved ones. Create a new normal for yourself. Fulfill His calling in your life and you will never regret it. And Laugh, don't forget to laugh. It is so healing when you do.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18.
God bless your day.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Getting on with life
I have been out of treatment now for 3 weeks. Well today is the beginning of week three. Life up to this point at home has been a whirlwind. I have spent more time away from home than I have been at home in the last 2 1/2 months. It has not been ideal. I am finally settling in and getting on track with my dietician.
I had a little bit of a rough time yesterday. I was kind of upset because of the job situation. Its hard for me to come to terms with the thought that I lost my job because I needed to go into treatment. I mean, I guess I could have just stayed home and found an alternative for treatment, but that has never worked for me in the past.
I talked to my therapist last night and the rest of the treatment team. I cried again about my dad as I told them about the struggle I suffered after he passed. I just feel so confused about how deeply my depression took me. I have always thought of myself as a person with a deep faith. One that could always turn to God. But for some reason I couldn't even turn to God. I didn't even realize that I couldn't.
I met with my new dietician yesterday and she gave me the go ahead to start working out 4 times a week. She agreed with the plan that I have of doing interval training. She believes that is the best option for me. I also talked to her about my meal plan. She gave me some information that I think will really help me to make the right choices. I just need to be willing to accept what she is telling me so that I can eat they way they are asking me to. Its a struggle but I need to trust that they know what they are doing.
So after sharing my story, the team talked to me and said some things that shocked me. The said that I have grit. Me? Yes me. They said that in hearing my story, they can see that I am the kind of person that gets knocked down by the storms of life, but then I get back up and keep going. And that I do it and remain positive. They said they were pretty amazed that I could do this. It felt good to hear that. Especially after I have told myself for most of my life that others don't like me or don't care to be around me. I was so wrong.
I imposed my thoughts on others. That isn't what God intended. I have slowly been learning to like myself. To see that I am more than the awful thoughts I have always had about me. Its not a good thing to beat yourself up but it sure is nice when you can let go of the nastiness you held inside for years. That weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders. I am allowing God to carry the load that He was always meant to carry. And I kind of like the new me.
I used to think that I needed to become the person I once was but I am learning that it is better to become new. The old me was the one that lead me into my eating disorder. She didn't like herself at all. The new me is starting to see who I am and who I can become. I am open to the change and finding out that I am the kind of person I look for in friends. I like that I am not complaining about things anymore. That is ugly. When people complain all the time, it becomes tiresome for those around them.
I can't change the things I have done in the past, I can only move forward and embrace the new me. I am looking forward to getting to know the new me each and every day.
I had a little bit of a rough time yesterday. I was kind of upset because of the job situation. Its hard for me to come to terms with the thought that I lost my job because I needed to go into treatment. I mean, I guess I could have just stayed home and found an alternative for treatment, but that has never worked for me in the past.
I talked to my therapist last night and the rest of the treatment team. I cried again about my dad as I told them about the struggle I suffered after he passed. I just feel so confused about how deeply my depression took me. I have always thought of myself as a person with a deep faith. One that could always turn to God. But for some reason I couldn't even turn to God. I didn't even realize that I couldn't.
I met with my new dietician yesterday and she gave me the go ahead to start working out 4 times a week. She agreed with the plan that I have of doing interval training. She believes that is the best option for me. I also talked to her about my meal plan. She gave me some information that I think will really help me to make the right choices. I just need to be willing to accept what she is telling me so that I can eat they way they are asking me to. Its a struggle but I need to trust that they know what they are doing.
So after sharing my story, the team talked to me and said some things that shocked me. The said that I have grit. Me? Yes me. They said that in hearing my story, they can see that I am the kind of person that gets knocked down by the storms of life, but then I get back up and keep going. And that I do it and remain positive. They said they were pretty amazed that I could do this. It felt good to hear that. Especially after I have told myself for most of my life that others don't like me or don't care to be around me. I was so wrong.
I imposed my thoughts on others. That isn't what God intended. I have slowly been learning to like myself. To see that I am more than the awful thoughts I have always had about me. Its not a good thing to beat yourself up but it sure is nice when you can let go of the nastiness you held inside for years. That weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders. I am allowing God to carry the load that He was always meant to carry. And I kind of like the new me.
I used to think that I needed to become the person I once was but I am learning that it is better to become new. The old me was the one that lead me into my eating disorder. She didn't like herself at all. The new me is starting to see who I am and who I can become. I am open to the change and finding out that I am the kind of person I look for in friends. I like that I am not complaining about things anymore. That is ugly. When people complain all the time, it becomes tiresome for those around them.
I can't change the things I have done in the past, I can only move forward and embrace the new me. I am looking forward to getting to know the new me each and every day.
Monday, October 6, 2014
A load to heavy.
As you may have read last night, I was struggling a little bit. I was feeling completely frustrated by the situations and pain that have been in my life for the last few years. It all culminated into the wreck I became in August. I was allowing the weight of the world to bury me. It was a heavy load I was carrying, one that was not meant for me to carry. I was stubborn and thought that I could do it all alone. I was not sharing any of my pain or any of the burdens I was carrying. What a fool I was.
God never intended for any of us to travel through life alone, without help, trudging along so weighed down by the misery this world can bring when we think we can do it alone. He states in His word, John 14:26 that Jesus asked His Father to give us a helper. That Helper is the Holy Spirit. He is here to teach us and to help us. To remind us of God's unfailing love for us. So I am truly never alone in this world. Even if it feels like everyone else has left me.
I have been deeply hurt in my life. By many people, including people who are Christians. It happens sometimes. This is because as human beings, we are fallible and we can't be exactly like Jesus. But the hurt I am talking about was a serious hurt. A deep hurt that sucked the faith out of me. One that caused me to cry myself to sleep sometimes. One that drove me into a deep darkness. One I couldn't figure out how to get out of.
Pain had become a constant companion to me. I learned to bear up under that pain at all times. It was awful. The kind of pain that seeps into every aspect of your life. It eats you up. But than I realized that I could just live in that pain, or I could choose to move on. I could actively seek the next chapter in my life or I could die where I was. I had to ask myself, Do I want to overcome my pain? And if I really wanted to, I needed to realize who it was that had really hurt me. I needed to realize that it wasn't man, it was spiritual. The battle I was fighting wasn't against humans but against evil and darkness.
This made me realize that I needed to trust and lean on God. He was going to be the only one who could help me. I was going to have to come back into relationship with Him. Not just go to church, which I know it is good to fellowship with other believers, but to get into His word daily. To really get into it and also to walk into forgiveness. Forgiveness towards all who had hurt me. Only in this way would I truly heal. Its not easy to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply but I know it is the only way to get past the pain.
I know now that any pain I have felt was purposed by God. My pain, my deep hurt, was allowed into my life to transform me. It has the ability to bring me to the exact place that God wants me. A place where God can begin a new work in my life. He can start to use me in ways I never even imagined. I just have to be willing to allow His work in my life. To trust that where ever He leads, is exactly where I am supposed to be. To realize my weaknesses and be willing to work on them.
My weaknesses are exposed when I choose how to react pain or disappointment. I can walk in the faith that God is in control and react with faith, hope and peace even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are. Or I can choose to react the way the world says I should, with anger, resentment, gossip and ugliness. The choice is mine. I need to just decide who I am going to be. Do I want to show the world what they expect, or do I want to trust and react the way God calls me to.
When I choose to trust God with my pain and hurt, I allow Him to remove anything from my life that is not what He would have me be. Pain, when met with faith, has a great opportunity to truly transform me. I trust that when God allows pain to enter into my life, He also will limit it. And when I allow this to happen the way God intends it, it will end in triumph. When I begin to see my pain as an act of God, then He can begin to work His will in my life. My pain then becomes the holy work of God.
I know this seems kind of strange, but in this, God is confirming His love for me. A normal reaction to finding out that God allows this pain in our life would be to turn from Him and to believe that He doesn't really care for me. But it is in these pains, these trials, these hurtful situations, that God can do His greatest work in me. He can change what I have been, strengthen me and then use it to bless others. I trust Him with my life and know that only good will come even out of the deepest pain.
Lord, I just pray that you would continue do this work in my life. I know that there is pain. I know that there will be disappointment at times, but I trust you. I know that you work all things to good to those who love the Lord. I pray that you would develop in me the character of Christ. I want to love the way you love. To touch lives and have them know that they need only turn to You. I know that with you my life isn't one promised of ease, but one that will be richly blessed. Thank you for all that you have given me. The ability to trust, the strength endure this life, and the love of others that you have blessed me with. Thank you for my many talents. May I only ever use them to glorify you Lord. Amen.
God never intended for any of us to travel through life alone, without help, trudging along so weighed down by the misery this world can bring when we think we can do it alone. He states in His word, John 14:26 that Jesus asked His Father to give us a helper. That Helper is the Holy Spirit. He is here to teach us and to help us. To remind us of God's unfailing love for us. So I am truly never alone in this world. Even if it feels like everyone else has left me.
I have been deeply hurt in my life. By many people, including people who are Christians. It happens sometimes. This is because as human beings, we are fallible and we can't be exactly like Jesus. But the hurt I am talking about was a serious hurt. A deep hurt that sucked the faith out of me. One that caused me to cry myself to sleep sometimes. One that drove me into a deep darkness. One I couldn't figure out how to get out of.
Pain had become a constant companion to me. I learned to bear up under that pain at all times. It was awful. The kind of pain that seeps into every aspect of your life. It eats you up. But than I realized that I could just live in that pain, or I could choose to move on. I could actively seek the next chapter in my life or I could die where I was. I had to ask myself, Do I want to overcome my pain? And if I really wanted to, I needed to realize who it was that had really hurt me. I needed to realize that it wasn't man, it was spiritual. The battle I was fighting wasn't against humans but against evil and darkness.
This made me realize that I needed to trust and lean on God. He was going to be the only one who could help me. I was going to have to come back into relationship with Him. Not just go to church, which I know it is good to fellowship with other believers, but to get into His word daily. To really get into it and also to walk into forgiveness. Forgiveness towards all who had hurt me. Only in this way would I truly heal. Its not easy to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply but I know it is the only way to get past the pain.
I know now that any pain I have felt was purposed by God. My pain, my deep hurt, was allowed into my life to transform me. It has the ability to bring me to the exact place that God wants me. A place where God can begin a new work in my life. He can start to use me in ways I never even imagined. I just have to be willing to allow His work in my life. To trust that where ever He leads, is exactly where I am supposed to be. To realize my weaknesses and be willing to work on them.
My weaknesses are exposed when I choose how to react pain or disappointment. I can walk in the faith that God is in control and react with faith, hope and peace even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are. Or I can choose to react the way the world says I should, with anger, resentment, gossip and ugliness. The choice is mine. I need to just decide who I am going to be. Do I want to show the world what they expect, or do I want to trust and react the way God calls me to.
When I choose to trust God with my pain and hurt, I allow Him to remove anything from my life that is not what He would have me be. Pain, when met with faith, has a great opportunity to truly transform me. I trust that when God allows pain to enter into my life, He also will limit it. And when I allow this to happen the way God intends it, it will end in triumph. When I begin to see my pain as an act of God, then He can begin to work His will in my life. My pain then becomes the holy work of God.
I know this seems kind of strange, but in this, God is confirming His love for me. A normal reaction to finding out that God allows this pain in our life would be to turn from Him and to believe that He doesn't really care for me. But it is in these pains, these trials, these hurtful situations, that God can do His greatest work in me. He can change what I have been, strengthen me and then use it to bless others. I trust Him with my life and know that only good will come even out of the deepest pain.
Lord, I just pray that you would continue do this work in my life. I know that there is pain. I know that there will be disappointment at times, but I trust you. I know that you work all things to good to those who love the Lord. I pray that you would develop in me the character of Christ. I want to love the way you love. To touch lives and have them know that they need only turn to You. I know that with you my life isn't one promised of ease, but one that will be richly blessed. Thank you for all that you have given me. The ability to trust, the strength endure this life, and the love of others that you have blessed me with. Thank you for my many talents. May I only ever use them to glorify you Lord. Amen.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
The truth
So I started this blog to keep a log or record of my recovery from my eating disorder. I would love to say that treatment was a breeze, that I was able to just give up my eating disorder and go merrily about my life. Well that is not the truth. I know that I have experienced all of this for a reason. I want to be like, hey everything is great, but that would not be the truth.
The truth is it stinks. It has been hard. I hate some things. I feel depressed sometimes. I am not happy all the time. Today I have felt like a failure. I have gained weight, not that I have weighed myself, but my clothes are no longer fitting. It is so FRUSTRATING!!!! I don't want to fall into the trap I was once in, you know that one that says I am not the right size therefore I am not acceptable, but that is where I feel like I am. UGH.
I have faith that God is working all of this out, I just feel so, I don't know, so blah. I am tired, out of shape, and struggling. I don't know what to eat anymore, what exercise if any is ok, what I need to be doing. I feel like I am just here, floating with no real place to land. I know that isn't the truth but really what is. I came home so focused, knowing what I wanted and what I needed to do and now I am not so sure. Its not that I expected this to be easy, but come on.
I am old enough that I should know where and what I need to be doing. I mean, I do know but without my job, without the gym, without my eating disorder, I am just wondering. It isn't a good feeling. I don't like it. I am angry, sad, and confused.
Ok God, I can hear you again. You are telling me to only speak life giving words. I am hearing Your message. I will choose to speak life in the dark and in the light. I will not give into this lie that I am falling into again. I know what I need to do. What I can do. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and what is wrong for me. You have given me the manual for Life. I just need to stay in it daily and to draw closer to You. I need to just trust the truth that You have given me. And to speak that truth in the world.
Father God, I am asking you to help me. Help me to know what it is that You are calling me to. Help me to reach out to those who are hurting. To help those who may be struggling. To have faith in the direction you are taking me. I pray that you would give me just the right job. Help me to help others be healthy. I know I can do whatever you set before me. I Trust in You Lord. I am opening myself up to Your calling on my life. I know you are the Way, the Truth and the Light. My life is in Your Hands. Amen!
The truth is it stinks. It has been hard. I hate some things. I feel depressed sometimes. I am not happy all the time. Today I have felt like a failure. I have gained weight, not that I have weighed myself, but my clothes are no longer fitting. It is so FRUSTRATING!!!! I don't want to fall into the trap I was once in, you know that one that says I am not the right size therefore I am not acceptable, but that is where I feel like I am. UGH.
I have faith that God is working all of this out, I just feel so, I don't know, so blah. I am tired, out of shape, and struggling. I don't know what to eat anymore, what exercise if any is ok, what I need to be doing. I feel like I am just here, floating with no real place to land. I know that isn't the truth but really what is. I came home so focused, knowing what I wanted and what I needed to do and now I am not so sure. Its not that I expected this to be easy, but come on.
I am old enough that I should know where and what I need to be doing. I mean, I do know but without my job, without the gym, without my eating disorder, I am just wondering. It isn't a good feeling. I don't like it. I am angry, sad, and confused.
Ok God, I can hear you again. You are telling me to only speak life giving words. I am hearing Your message. I will choose to speak life in the dark and in the light. I will not give into this lie that I am falling into again. I know what I need to do. What I can do. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and what is wrong for me. You have given me the manual for Life. I just need to stay in it daily and to draw closer to You. I need to just trust the truth that You have given me. And to speak that truth in the world.
Father God, I am asking you to help me. Help me to know what it is that You are calling me to. Help me to reach out to those who are hurting. To help those who may be struggling. To have faith in the direction you are taking me. I pray that you would give me just the right job. Help me to help others be healthy. I know I can do whatever you set before me. I Trust in You Lord. I am opening myself up to Your calling on my life. I know you are the Way, the Truth and the Light. My life is in Your Hands. Amen!
Never alone
Have you ever felt rejected, abandoned or mistreated? Were your feelings based on fact or were they based on what you thought was fact? Did you really hear from the person that they no longer wanted to be friends or was it your perception of the circumstance? Have you last a job or had something happen that felt so bad you believed you couldn't survive?
I know this is a lot of questions to think about. Rejection from people we care about or having something really care about taken away is hard to go through. This is especially difficult if there was nothing that you may have done to deserve it. It leaves you feeling so confused and hurt. That feeling of rejection comes in and you feel so alone. It can feel like there is something wrong with you. Like you deserve it but this is not true.
Sometimes in grief, your relationships change. Family and friends who you would normally lean on seem to fade away from you. You think you can rely on these people because they are so close to you. And the funny thing is, some who were not so close, may become closer with you. They are the ones who stand by you through some of your toughest days. It is a fact that when people are grieving, their relationships change. Some grow stronger and others grow weaker.
I don't truly believe that people mean to hurt us or leave the relationship with us. It is really hard for some people to understand what grief is like especially if it has not touched their lives. Or maybe they have lost someone and it is to hard for them to see that grief in you because of their loss. Whatever the reason, the friendship fades away. But new ones come forward. New bonds are built and friendships deepen.
With these new relationships, there is almost an unspoken understanding. They can relate to you in how you now think and feel. Did you ever think that this may be God's plan for you? He wants people to be with you or around you that you can relate to. He allows some friendships to bloom while others wither away. It is painful especially when you have already lost a loved one. But you can ask for God to bring or build good solid friendships to you during the grief journey.
It is hard to understand why someone you care about could leave you or abandon you during your time of grief. I believe God allows, (not causes, but allows) rejection or abandonment in our lives not to hurt us but to protect us from a relationship or situation that could cause us harm in the future. I know that for me, I needed to let go of the relationship I had with my eating disorder. It may seem weird to you, but when you have an eating disorder, you truly are in a relationship with it. It is everything to you and it begins to slowly push all other relationships away. Is this loss a bad thing, no matter what loss it is? Not necessarily.
It may just be a blessing. It could be God's mercy showing up in our lives. I really believe that God's heart breaks for us in these situations. He is heart broken because he must allow for this to happen. But I believe he does this to prevent something worse form happening. In his great love for me, he allows someone or something to leave or reject me as an act of protection. That relationship or situation may have only been needed for a season. It may have been placed in my life to teach me a lesson at that specific time. It may have been allowed in my life so that God could then use me in some way to touch the lives of others because I have gone through what they have.
One thing I know is true without any doubt is that my God will never reject me. He would not turn His back on me because it would be like turning against His self. I may be deeply hurt by people or circumstances in my life, but God will never turn on me. He cares so much about protecting me that He has given me, and you, angels of protection. These divine protectors also protect us in our relationships and our daily lives. In circumstances as well. We need only walk in the faith that His word is true.
When people reject or mistreat me, God feels my heartache. His love is so big that it can cover all the hurts I may experience in my life. Hurt form the past, present and future. I need only go to Him. He won't put blame for the pain I have in my life. He truly cares about all the hurt that I have and will experience in my life. I know that no matter what happens in my life, He will never leave me or forsake me. This is true for all of His children. He loves us all so very much, and He will never leave us. Yes we will have pain and hurt. Rejection and lost relationships. But one thing will always be true, He will NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE YOU. Its His promise to all people. He is waiting there for us to reach out to him. It is all He asks. Just for us to ask.
Rest in the peace of knowing His love for you is greater than any relationship you will ever experience here on earth. The scripture is where I find this reassurance. Please read Psalms 91:11, Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalms 10:17-18, Psalms 68:5, Psalms 146:9 and Exodus 22:22-23. These verses are where you will find God's promises to us about our relationship with Him. His undying and unfailing love for us. It is always there. You need only reach out and ask. Neverendi
I know this is a lot of questions to think about. Rejection from people we care about or having something really care about taken away is hard to go through. This is especially difficult if there was nothing that you may have done to deserve it. It leaves you feeling so confused and hurt. That feeling of rejection comes in and you feel so alone. It can feel like there is something wrong with you. Like you deserve it but this is not true.
Sometimes in grief, your relationships change. Family and friends who you would normally lean on seem to fade away from you. You think you can rely on these people because they are so close to you. And the funny thing is, some who were not so close, may become closer with you. They are the ones who stand by you through some of your toughest days. It is a fact that when people are grieving, their relationships change. Some grow stronger and others grow weaker.
I don't truly believe that people mean to hurt us or leave the relationship with us. It is really hard for some people to understand what grief is like especially if it has not touched their lives. Or maybe they have lost someone and it is to hard for them to see that grief in you because of their loss. Whatever the reason, the friendship fades away. But new ones come forward. New bonds are built and friendships deepen.
With these new relationships, there is almost an unspoken understanding. They can relate to you in how you now think and feel. Did you ever think that this may be God's plan for you? He wants people to be with you or around you that you can relate to. He allows some friendships to bloom while others wither away. It is painful especially when you have already lost a loved one. But you can ask for God to bring or build good solid friendships to you during the grief journey.
It is hard to understand why someone you care about could leave you or abandon you during your time of grief. I believe God allows, (not causes, but allows) rejection or abandonment in our lives not to hurt us but to protect us from a relationship or situation that could cause us harm in the future. I know that for me, I needed to let go of the relationship I had with my eating disorder. It may seem weird to you, but when you have an eating disorder, you truly are in a relationship with it. It is everything to you and it begins to slowly push all other relationships away. Is this loss a bad thing, no matter what loss it is? Not necessarily.
It may just be a blessing. It could be God's mercy showing up in our lives. I really believe that God's heart breaks for us in these situations. He is heart broken because he must allow for this to happen. But I believe he does this to prevent something worse form happening. In his great love for me, he allows someone or something to leave or reject me as an act of protection. That relationship or situation may have only been needed for a season. It may have been placed in my life to teach me a lesson at that specific time. It may have been allowed in my life so that God could then use me in some way to touch the lives of others because I have gone through what they have.
One thing I know is true without any doubt is that my God will never reject me. He would not turn His back on me because it would be like turning against His self. I may be deeply hurt by people or circumstances in my life, but God will never turn on me. He cares so much about protecting me that He has given me, and you, angels of protection. These divine protectors also protect us in our relationships and our daily lives. In circumstances as well. We need only walk in the faith that His word is true.
When people reject or mistreat me, God feels my heartache. His love is so big that it can cover all the hurts I may experience in my life. Hurt form the past, present and future. I need only go to Him. He won't put blame for the pain I have in my life. He truly cares about all the hurt that I have and will experience in my life. I know that no matter what happens in my life, He will never leave me or forsake me. This is true for all of His children. He loves us all so very much, and He will never leave us. Yes we will have pain and hurt. Rejection and lost relationships. But one thing will always be true, He will NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE YOU. Its His promise to all people. He is waiting there for us to reach out to him. It is all He asks. Just for us to ask.
Rest in the peace of knowing His love for you is greater than any relationship you will ever experience here on earth. The scripture is where I find this reassurance. Please read Psalms 91:11, Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalms 10:17-18, Psalms 68:5, Psalms 146:9 and Exodus 22:22-23. These verses are where you will find God's promises to us about our relationship with Him. His undying and unfailing love for us. It is always there. You need only reach out and ask. Neverendi
Saturday, October 4, 2014
New beginnings.
2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
My life had not turned out the way I wanted it to. Things had become such a mess. I was so caught up in the idea that I was fat and that no one really liked me. Oh yeah, I smiled and laughed and acted like everything was fine, but truly it wasn't.
I felt ugly, not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I could not figure out how to be a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. I could only see the failure in my life. Even when people would say something nice about me, I just could not believe it. Its not that I thought they were lying to my face, I just felt like they said these things because they felt like they had to.
I was headed down a path of destruction. One that was slowly killing me. I was somehow broken and I knew it, I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. Life was one big blur. I didn't really see my family or remember the things we did or said. Its really scary to look back and see that.
Admitting I had a problem was the first step. Getting into treatment the second. Finally, realizing that trying to do this alone was not working was the most important. This meant I must come clean. I needed to tell those around me the truth. It cost me a lot. My husband and children's trust, my families trust and my job even. It was hard. But like I said before, it was killing me and I needed to come clean. To become new.
So how did I change the path I was on? How do I switch directions if the way I am headed is going to kill me? How do I come to terms with my past and all the things that were done to me, and the things I had chosen to do? The answer was right there in front of me all along. I just needed to see that I had fallen away from God and I was trying to do life on my own terms. As I discovered, and the hard way I might add, it doesn't work that way.
Here was my chance. I was given an opportunity to make a change. We are all given new opportunities each and every day. We can change the course we are on. I was struggling so hard to deal with so many things in my life. I didn't even like myself at all but I couldn't figure out how to change that. Going to treatment made that possible. I knew I needed to turn back to God, I just couldn't see through all the other stuff that was piled on top of me. I needed to deal with all of this, "STUFF," so that I could find me. So I could get to know who I truly am, and to deal with my past, once and for all.
I didn't know who to do this but getting into treatment was going to help me. It gave me the tools I needed to begin to see me. It has been hard because I have felt so buried in grief, doubt, self loathing. Slowly the scales are being peeled away. I am beginning to be able to see who Carrie is. I am starting to get closer to my God again. I am finally able to breathe and live. I know that it is probably hard to understand what it is I am saying, but imagine yourself under water.
Hear is what my journey felt like. It was like being under water. You can see the surface, its not that far away. Your lungs begin to burn and the pressure of the water around you is growing. You try to kick your feet only find out they are entangled in weeds, rope, and mud. You can't move your legs. You begin to feel light headed and feel very desperate. You know you aren't going to make it. Then you see it, a bright light, some ones hand reaching out to you, and you grab on to it with whatever strength you have left. They pull you slowly up and out of the water. You take in your first gulp of fresh clean air and fill your lungs. Your alive. You have made it.
That is what I felt like. I knew I was drowning but couldn't get out. I was dying slowly and painfully. And then, at the last minute, when I knew I only had seconds left, that hand reached out. It grasped me firmly and pulled me into the light. Into the fresh air. Out of that dark, murky water. I was finally able to breathe once more. The weight was lifted and I felt like I might stand a chance.
I won't lie and say that it has all been easy, this recovery of mine. I struggle still. Maybe not in the way that some do, but its still there. I am not completely comfortable in this new way of living. I mean, for 15 years I was a bulimic. And as sick as it may seem, sometimes I think about it. Not about doing it again, just about it. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I don't ever desire to go back to it, not like before when I would stop for awhile. This time I have kicked it for good. But I still wonder a little bit about who I am without it.
But the past, who I was then is not who I am today. Today I am trusting in Christ. I am trusting that He is my savior, and that He has a greater purpose for my life. As I find myself up and out of the murky depths, I ask only that He would breathe new life into me. That God would guide and direct me. I have been and will continue to make the necessary steps to making my life better. I ask for a purpose Lord, for a life that is filled with joy and happiness. I want to feel vibrant Lord, something I don't think I have ever felt and if I have it has been a long time ago. I want to be exactly what You want me to be Lord. Use me and create a beautiful new beginning.
My life had not turned out the way I wanted it to. Things had become such a mess. I was so caught up in the idea that I was fat and that no one really liked me. Oh yeah, I smiled and laughed and acted like everything was fine, but truly it wasn't.
I felt ugly, not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I could not figure out how to be a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. I could only see the failure in my life. Even when people would say something nice about me, I just could not believe it. Its not that I thought they were lying to my face, I just felt like they said these things because they felt like they had to.
I was headed down a path of destruction. One that was slowly killing me. I was somehow broken and I knew it, I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. Life was one big blur. I didn't really see my family or remember the things we did or said. Its really scary to look back and see that.
Admitting I had a problem was the first step. Getting into treatment the second. Finally, realizing that trying to do this alone was not working was the most important. This meant I must come clean. I needed to tell those around me the truth. It cost me a lot. My husband and children's trust, my families trust and my job even. It was hard. But like I said before, it was killing me and I needed to come clean. To become new.
So how did I change the path I was on? How do I switch directions if the way I am headed is going to kill me? How do I come to terms with my past and all the things that were done to me, and the things I had chosen to do? The answer was right there in front of me all along. I just needed to see that I had fallen away from God and I was trying to do life on my own terms. As I discovered, and the hard way I might add, it doesn't work that way.
Here was my chance. I was given an opportunity to make a change. We are all given new opportunities each and every day. We can change the course we are on. I was struggling so hard to deal with so many things in my life. I didn't even like myself at all but I couldn't figure out how to change that. Going to treatment made that possible. I knew I needed to turn back to God, I just couldn't see through all the other stuff that was piled on top of me. I needed to deal with all of this, "STUFF," so that I could find me. So I could get to know who I truly am, and to deal with my past, once and for all.
I didn't know who to do this but getting into treatment was going to help me. It gave me the tools I needed to begin to see me. It has been hard because I have felt so buried in grief, doubt, self loathing. Slowly the scales are being peeled away. I am beginning to be able to see who Carrie is. I am starting to get closer to my God again. I am finally able to breathe and live. I know that it is probably hard to understand what it is I am saying, but imagine yourself under water.
Hear is what my journey felt like. It was like being under water. You can see the surface, its not that far away. Your lungs begin to burn and the pressure of the water around you is growing. You try to kick your feet only find out they are entangled in weeds, rope, and mud. You can't move your legs. You begin to feel light headed and feel very desperate. You know you aren't going to make it. Then you see it, a bright light, some ones hand reaching out to you, and you grab on to it with whatever strength you have left. They pull you slowly up and out of the water. You take in your first gulp of fresh clean air and fill your lungs. Your alive. You have made it.
That is what I felt like. I knew I was drowning but couldn't get out. I was dying slowly and painfully. And then, at the last minute, when I knew I only had seconds left, that hand reached out. It grasped me firmly and pulled me into the light. Into the fresh air. Out of that dark, murky water. I was finally able to breathe once more. The weight was lifted and I felt like I might stand a chance.
I won't lie and say that it has all been easy, this recovery of mine. I struggle still. Maybe not in the way that some do, but its still there. I am not completely comfortable in this new way of living. I mean, for 15 years I was a bulimic. And as sick as it may seem, sometimes I think about it. Not about doing it again, just about it. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I don't ever desire to go back to it, not like before when I would stop for awhile. This time I have kicked it for good. But I still wonder a little bit about who I am without it.
But the past, who I was then is not who I am today. Today I am trusting in Christ. I am trusting that He is my savior, and that He has a greater purpose for my life. As I find myself up and out of the murky depths, I ask only that He would breathe new life into me. That God would guide and direct me. I have been and will continue to make the necessary steps to making my life better. I ask for a purpose Lord, for a life that is filled with joy and happiness. I want to feel vibrant Lord, something I don't think I have ever felt and if I have it has been a long time ago. I want to be exactly what You want me to be Lord. Use me and create a beautiful new beginning.
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