Is selfishness a natural thing or is it learned? Do people automatically know how to hurt one another or do they learn that somehow as they grow up? I truly believe that people aren't born to be mean but that it is something they learn. Maybe from family, maybe from people at school, and maybe from life.
I don't believe that I am a selfish person. I have walked through my life always trying to please those around me. Not to be mean to others, but to always seek to be good to them. This sometimes lead to my own hurt. People desiring my help and then turning their back on me when I needed them. Maybe not on purpose, but never the less, they would.
Then I found my self in deep need. My dad died and I was in the deepest depression, hurt and turmoil I had ever felt. A grief so deep that it began to debilitate my life. I could no longer find joy. I let the things from my past sneak in and whisper lies to me. I felt that I was not worthy of other's sympathy. I reached out to no one and couldn't really see anyone around me. I would go through my daily routine and paste a smile on my face so no one could see the hurt inside.
Then it all ended. The hurt spilled over and nearly killed me. It was so deep and painful that my eating disorder got completely out of control. It was the hurt from my dad and hurts from the past that came back to haunt me. It began to drag me further and further from the things I valued in life. Things I couldn't even identify anymore because I had given into that hurt. Then it was off to treatment.
My first few weeks of treatment were tough. I couldn't even see the others around me because I was so wrapped up in my self and my deep inward pain. I could only see my hurt, my pain and my desire to go home. Not the fact that I was there to get help. I just really wanted to escape. Then one afternoon it all changed.
I was having a particularly rough day. I had been crying, told the people at the treatment center that I was going to sign my 72 and go home, called my Aunt and cried to her and then called my husband and begged him to come get me. I then had to go to process group. That is where those of us who have the same therapist sit in her office and talk about the things that are challenging us. Our struggles and maybe even our victories.
One of the young ladies was talking about her struggles. She has been in treatment since she was 11 and found herself back again. She was frustrated and felt like she would never recover completely. I had my face turned away from the room and was facing the wall. I didn't want to be there so I was removing myself from the room by ignoring everyone.
It was then that I heard from God for the first time in years. He tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, you have an opportunity today to bring out the good in those around you. To share a little of what I have given you. Now can you share in a way that might bring a little bit of hope to those around you.
I didn't really believe it at first and then realized that what He was telling me was true. I had been so wrapped up in my own hurt that I could see or even care about the hurt I could see in others. This could be my chance to share and then to start to heal as well. I no longer had to walk around in so much pain and anguish. No longer hide or bury my hurt. I could do good for God and in the process do good for me.
How amazing could this be. This could be chance for me to take my grief and pain, and be a blessing to others. To invest in others even though my heart was breaking. To realize that these people where on the same journey of grief. It was a little different then mine but grief non the less. They to were hurting. I could reach out to them and make a difference in their life.
Hurt can last for a few days and even up to years and years. It can slowly leak into every area of our lives making us no longer remember what joy is. What true, and not temporary, happiness is. And then it begins to affect our relationships. Makes them harder and harder to participate in. Sometimes even infect them with the sadness and grief we are carrying around. We might even project the hurt or take it out on those we love.
So I began to see that on my worst day, when I was feeling my greatest heartbreak and hopelessness, I could see that it was a sign from God that I could reach out to others who were hurting. Because I understood deep hurt myself, I could encourage others who were going through the same. By encouraging them or just talking to them, I would be loving them with Christ's love. And in this way, God could begin to heal my heart as well.
So I would like to encourage you as well. The world is a hurting place. We all have hurts, silent grief, pain, anger or bitterness. You can be a blessing to others who are hurting. You can reach out and love others, share, help, and in the process, heal. Just like it says in Phillipians 2:4 "do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others." Believe me, its worth it. So very worth it.
I leave a few other scriptures of encouragement. Colossians 4:6, Hebrews 10:24-25, Hebrews 3:13, and 1 Thessalonians 5:11. May God's blessing and hope be with you all today and everyday.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
The still small voice
So this blog may be a little hard for me to type. I am going to discuss the loss of my father and the spiral into darkness that almost killed me. It isn't easy to share this but I think that it might help others who are struggling with grief and feeling lost.
4 months ago, I lost one of the most amazing men I have ever known. It was my daddy. And let me tell you, it was the most painful, debilitating losses I have ever felt in my life. You see, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2013. By May of 2014, daddy lost his battle and went home to be with the lord.
I always had such a strong faith in God prior to this. I always trusted God in every aspect of my life. I completely trusted and believed that God was going to heal my dad. When this didn't happen, I felt so lost. I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that God took my dad home. That he healed him but not that way I was expecting.
That's when I started my decent into some really dark times. I did cry out to the Lord a few times to help me to come to terms with my dad's death, but I never heard a reply. I began to think that God was just to busy to hear me. I just wanted to feel better and not have all of this pain anymore. I kept thinking that it was just around the corner, that acceptance and healing for my heart. I didn't hear a thing. Not one tiny word.
So I took matters into my own hands. I used my eating disorder to try to eliminate my pain. I thought that by doing so, I could make the pain go away and get over the death of dad. Well you can guess how well that worked for me It didn't. It only lead me down a path that would eventually make me very, very sick. After months of this behavior, I passed out and ended up in the hospital.
It was at this point I realized that the pain was no less and I had added additional pain to not only myself but my family. I could still feel this heaviness on my shoulders and in my chest that was not medical but was still there physically. It was a loneliness so profound that words can never describe it. I cried out to God at this point and begged Him to please help me. I could no longer live this way.
I realized that I had lost my faith in God. That I had allowed the world to slowly creep in and push God out. I could no longer hear his voice. I don't know that I would have even if He had yelled at me. I just couldn't feel Him in my life anymore. It wasn't that God had left me, but rather, I who had turned away from Him.
Slowly during treatment, I began to hear that voice again. I knew my faith needed to grow in order for His voice to become louder in my daily life. That's when I read it. Hebrews 11:6. " And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." That's when the light bulb went on. I needed to seek Him again. The way I always had before. But the question I had to as myself was how do I do this when I am angry at Him about not answering my prayers about my dad?
That's when He whispered to me, "Cry out to Me. I am waiting. Trust and believe." I cried out to Him in that moment. "Father God, help my unbelief. Help me to desire to seek you. I don't know how to get to that place of trust again but I really need it. I want to find You again. I need You in my life, not just when things are bad, but in everyday. I want to have a closer relationship with You now, not when I get to heaven. I want to begin to see Your hand in my life daily. Open my eyes so I can begin to see you in small and profound ways. I want You to change my heart Lord so I can see you in my life and in the things and people that surround me daily. Continue to speak Your word into my life daily. Help heal me from this darkness that has infiltrated my life. I want Your light in my life again."
I now know that I must actively Look for God in the details of life daily. I must seek Him and in doing so I will see and hear what He has for me daily. It is never easy because the more I seek Him, the harder the evil one is going to fight to convince me that God doesn't really care about me. I know that this is not true and must stay vigilant to prevent him from getting me to believe this lie. You can know this truth to. You just have to trust that God is truly interested in you and what is going on in your life. You can't fall into the lie that we are not important to God. He loves us and wants the best for us.
Its this truth that has lead me out of the darkness and back into the light. I know that everyday I can seek and have a deeper more meaningful relationship with my heavenly Father. My earthly daddy may be gone, but God will never leave or forsake me. Thank You Father for your unconditional love. Amen.
4 months ago, I lost one of the most amazing men I have ever known. It was my daddy. And let me tell you, it was the most painful, debilitating losses I have ever felt in my life. You see, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2013. By May of 2014, daddy lost his battle and went home to be with the lord.
I always had such a strong faith in God prior to this. I always trusted God in every aspect of my life. I completely trusted and believed that God was going to heal my dad. When this didn't happen, I felt so lost. I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that God took my dad home. That he healed him but not that way I was expecting.
That's when I started my decent into some really dark times. I did cry out to the Lord a few times to help me to come to terms with my dad's death, but I never heard a reply. I began to think that God was just to busy to hear me. I just wanted to feel better and not have all of this pain anymore. I kept thinking that it was just around the corner, that acceptance and healing for my heart. I didn't hear a thing. Not one tiny word.
So I took matters into my own hands. I used my eating disorder to try to eliminate my pain. I thought that by doing so, I could make the pain go away and get over the death of dad. Well you can guess how well that worked for me It didn't. It only lead me down a path that would eventually make me very, very sick. After months of this behavior, I passed out and ended up in the hospital.
It was at this point I realized that the pain was no less and I had added additional pain to not only myself but my family. I could still feel this heaviness on my shoulders and in my chest that was not medical but was still there physically. It was a loneliness so profound that words can never describe it. I cried out to God at this point and begged Him to please help me. I could no longer live this way.
I realized that I had lost my faith in God. That I had allowed the world to slowly creep in and push God out. I could no longer hear his voice. I don't know that I would have even if He had yelled at me. I just couldn't feel Him in my life anymore. It wasn't that God had left me, but rather, I who had turned away from Him.
Slowly during treatment, I began to hear that voice again. I knew my faith needed to grow in order for His voice to become louder in my daily life. That's when I read it. Hebrews 11:6. " And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." That's when the light bulb went on. I needed to seek Him again. The way I always had before. But the question I had to as myself was how do I do this when I am angry at Him about not answering my prayers about my dad?
That's when He whispered to me, "Cry out to Me. I am waiting. Trust and believe." I cried out to Him in that moment. "Father God, help my unbelief. Help me to desire to seek you. I don't know how to get to that place of trust again but I really need it. I want to find You again. I need You in my life, not just when things are bad, but in everyday. I want to have a closer relationship with You now, not when I get to heaven. I want to begin to see Your hand in my life daily. Open my eyes so I can begin to see you in small and profound ways. I want You to change my heart Lord so I can see you in my life and in the things and people that surround me daily. Continue to speak Your word into my life daily. Help heal me from this darkness that has infiltrated my life. I want Your light in my life again."
I now know that I must actively Look for God in the details of life daily. I must seek Him and in doing so I will see and hear what He has for me daily. It is never easy because the more I seek Him, the harder the evil one is going to fight to convince me that God doesn't really care about me. I know that this is not true and must stay vigilant to prevent him from getting me to believe this lie. You can know this truth to. You just have to trust that God is truly interested in you and what is going on in your life. You can't fall into the lie that we are not important to God. He loves us and wants the best for us.
Its this truth that has lead me out of the darkness and back into the light. I know that everyday I can seek and have a deeper more meaningful relationship with my heavenly Father. My earthly daddy may be gone, but God will never leave or forsake me. Thank You Father for your unconditional love. Amen.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Letting GO of bitterness
I am sure we are all aware that the mind is a very powerful thing. Our brain works and keeps our body running without us having to consciously tell it to do so. It is the power house that supplies signals to every part of us. It can reason and think, remember and recall, and it can work against us at times.
So I am sure that everyone of us at one time or another has had a similar problem that I struggle with. I sometimes think that I know what others are thinking. I also think that they should know what I am thinking, or at least what I am feeling. I don't know anyone in my life who professes to be a mind reader, and yet, this is how I went through life believing.
Now having shared this little bit of info., I am going to get a little personal. I have a habit of becoming somewhat angry or bitter towards a person, mostly my husband or family but others as well, if they don't know what I am thinking or know how I am feeling. Also when I think I know that they are thinking.
This probably sounds really silly to you. But, how about if I asked you if someone has ever done something wrong to you. Lied, stolen, or hurt you or a person you love or care deeply about? I am sure you can say yes to this. I know I can many times over. When we don't or can't address the person directly about what they have done, we can become very bitter. We may begin to even resent them and also may start to plan revenge. This doesn't mean that we may actually carry out the revenge but we can plan many ways to get back at the person in our mind. We might even find ourselves rejoicing when we hear something bad has happened to them.
So today I want to talk to you about the way I am learning to deal with my little problem. When I, or a loved one, has been hurt by someone, I naturally want to hurt that person back and if I can't, I become a little bitter. This shows up in me as silence, angry words, shouting or even stomping around mad. Sounds a little funny for a grown woman to behave that way, but I am being honest, this is how I used to act, ok sometimes still act. But I am really trying to learn a better way.
I am learning to handle these situations in the way God calls me to. To not assume the other person knows what they have done. To not think they should just know what I am thinking. To really press into the scripture about how to handle my anger and obey God so that I don't become a bitter mess. Being a bitter mess was all to easy for me in the past.
So you might be asking yourself, what is she talking about? It's simply this, God's way is to never take revenge on someone but rather to pray for and bless those who persecute you. To pray God's blessing on to them, not to curse them or wish evil on them, not rejoice when they stumble or fall, but to live a life that is honorable in what you say and do, and most importantly, to conquer evil with the goodness of the Lord.
I don't know what your thinking right now, but I remember what I thought when I first started learning about this. WOW!! Really God? You want me to just go around forgiving bad people and then to start praying for them? Even the really evil people who hurt me or my loved ones so deeply? The ones who lied about us and made things up to make my husband and I look bad, or the ones who talked about us behind our backs? The ones who plotted evil so that they could try to make themselves look better? The ones who took things away from us and left us devastated and in shock?
And God gently answered me and said "YES. Even those ones. You see child, if you take matters into your own hands, or try to seek revenge, you are stealing from Me. You are preventing me from being able to deal with these people in my own way." I kind of sat there stunned. I mean really shocked. But then I began to realize that God knows exactly what His purposes are in every situation in my life. And I need to learn to trust in His justice because if I don't, I will probably mess it up and then become even more bitter. And who wants that?
So at this point is right about when I started to feel like I would never be able to do this. How am I supposed to pray for my enemy or those who have hurt me? How do I deal with those who have lied and hurt my family or my friends? Well God said it wouldn't be easy but that it might help if I realize that it is not really the person that is the true problem. It says in the Word that we do not battle against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, and powers of darkness in this world and spiritual forces of darkness in heavenly places. Wow, this was a real eye opener. And it began to change my way of thinking. Like pastor Mike always says, it began to change my stinkin thinkin.
I began to see that my enemy, the true enemy, loves to create a chaotic mess of my life. He likes to do this in every ones life because it pulls us away from our One and only lifeline...God. If we allow the enemy to come in and compromise the relationship we have with our Father, then he can create even more loss in our lives. More hurt, anguish and bitterness. Boy does that ever make him happy. To know that he can so easily come in and wreak havoc in my life. So at this point what do we do?
How do I as a child of God, and you to, let go of this bitterness? How do we trust that God will truly handle the situation? How do I know what the truth is? Well there are plenty of scriptures in the bible that tell us how. Verses that free me and you completely from bitterness, even old, old bitterness that I may have been holding onto for years. I no longer have to worry or plan how I might get back at someone. I am free not to rejoice in their downfall and to realize that it is not the person themselves that I am fighting against. It is the evil one. My job is to live at peace with my fellow man and to operate honorably so as not to bring shame on my family or more importantly, on to God. I can leave the job of holding them accountable to God.
By doing so, I allow God not only to work mightily in my life, but to also begin to work in the life and heart of those that have hurt me. For Him to do this, I need to trust and obey Him. I need to know that God never intended my life, or anyone's for that matter, to be destroyed or filled with bitterness. He instead wants me to have a life that is filled up and overflowing with blessings. An abundant life.
Ok so how do I do this? How do I just trust what God is telling me? How do I know that I have the strength do this. On those days when I feel like I can't listen to what God says, I can't do what He has asked, I must meditate on what His word says. In Phillipians 4:13 He tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" I only need ask for His strength, grace, mercy and help in those times when I feel weak. I need to be willing to say that I myself cannot, but I can in Christ. To truly believe this and to walk in it. It is His truth and I must trust in what He has told me.
I found a few scriptures that address these things that I will leave with you today. I know there are many, many more but these ones seem very appropriate for what I am talking about. Romans 12:9-21, Ephesians 6:10-13, John 10:10, and Phillipians 4:13. There are many more that I intend to find and write upon my heart. I invite you to do the same. I know that for me this has been a very heavy topic in my life. I know its hard to deal with sometimes. If you have any questions or just want me to pray for you, please let me know. You see, bitterness took me to a really dark time in my life. I feel very blessed to have survived it. Some don't. Remember you always have a true friend in Jesus.
Heavenly Father, I cannot thank You enough for Your love and mercy. For the fact that I do not have to hang onto and deal with my bitterness Lord, but that I can lay it all at Your mighty feet. That I can fully trust You and all You say in Your word. Father your love and tenderness has worked on my heart and shown me a better way. I pray now that You would do the same Lord in the lives of my family, friends and even my enemies. Those I know about, and those I don't. Father I give it all to You so that you can begin a new and wonderful work in their hearts. Lord I pray that they to would know Your love and mercy. That they would also find a better and not a bitter way Lord. I pray for those who don't know You yet Lord. That you would put people who love you and follow after Your own heart into their lives so that they to can feel the peace that passes understanding. And I pray Father that You would continue to work in my life. To help me to know You more. To walk in a way that always brings Honor to You. Thank you Father God for Your tender mercies. Amen.
So I am sure that everyone of us at one time or another has had a similar problem that I struggle with. I sometimes think that I know what others are thinking. I also think that they should know what I am thinking, or at least what I am feeling. I don't know anyone in my life who professes to be a mind reader, and yet, this is how I went through life believing.
Now having shared this little bit of info., I am going to get a little personal. I have a habit of becoming somewhat angry or bitter towards a person, mostly my husband or family but others as well, if they don't know what I am thinking or know how I am feeling. Also when I think I know that they are thinking.
This probably sounds really silly to you. But, how about if I asked you if someone has ever done something wrong to you. Lied, stolen, or hurt you or a person you love or care deeply about? I am sure you can say yes to this. I know I can many times over. When we don't or can't address the person directly about what they have done, we can become very bitter. We may begin to even resent them and also may start to plan revenge. This doesn't mean that we may actually carry out the revenge but we can plan many ways to get back at the person in our mind. We might even find ourselves rejoicing when we hear something bad has happened to them.
So today I want to talk to you about the way I am learning to deal with my little problem. When I, or a loved one, has been hurt by someone, I naturally want to hurt that person back and if I can't, I become a little bitter. This shows up in me as silence, angry words, shouting or even stomping around mad. Sounds a little funny for a grown woman to behave that way, but I am being honest, this is how I used to act, ok sometimes still act. But I am really trying to learn a better way.
I am learning to handle these situations in the way God calls me to. To not assume the other person knows what they have done. To not think they should just know what I am thinking. To really press into the scripture about how to handle my anger and obey God so that I don't become a bitter mess. Being a bitter mess was all to easy for me in the past.
So you might be asking yourself, what is she talking about? It's simply this, God's way is to never take revenge on someone but rather to pray for and bless those who persecute you. To pray God's blessing on to them, not to curse them or wish evil on them, not rejoice when they stumble or fall, but to live a life that is honorable in what you say and do, and most importantly, to conquer evil with the goodness of the Lord.
I don't know what your thinking right now, but I remember what I thought when I first started learning about this. WOW!! Really God? You want me to just go around forgiving bad people and then to start praying for them? Even the really evil people who hurt me or my loved ones so deeply? The ones who lied about us and made things up to make my husband and I look bad, or the ones who talked about us behind our backs? The ones who plotted evil so that they could try to make themselves look better? The ones who took things away from us and left us devastated and in shock?
And God gently answered me and said "YES. Even those ones. You see child, if you take matters into your own hands, or try to seek revenge, you are stealing from Me. You are preventing me from being able to deal with these people in my own way." I kind of sat there stunned. I mean really shocked. But then I began to realize that God knows exactly what His purposes are in every situation in my life. And I need to learn to trust in His justice because if I don't, I will probably mess it up and then become even more bitter. And who wants that?
So at this point is right about when I started to feel like I would never be able to do this. How am I supposed to pray for my enemy or those who have hurt me? How do I deal with those who have lied and hurt my family or my friends? Well God said it wouldn't be easy but that it might help if I realize that it is not really the person that is the true problem. It says in the Word that we do not battle against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, and powers of darkness in this world and spiritual forces of darkness in heavenly places. Wow, this was a real eye opener. And it began to change my way of thinking. Like pastor Mike always says, it began to change my stinkin thinkin.
I began to see that my enemy, the true enemy, loves to create a chaotic mess of my life. He likes to do this in every ones life because it pulls us away from our One and only lifeline...God. If we allow the enemy to come in and compromise the relationship we have with our Father, then he can create even more loss in our lives. More hurt, anguish and bitterness. Boy does that ever make him happy. To know that he can so easily come in and wreak havoc in my life. So at this point what do we do?
How do I as a child of God, and you to, let go of this bitterness? How do we trust that God will truly handle the situation? How do I know what the truth is? Well there are plenty of scriptures in the bible that tell us how. Verses that free me and you completely from bitterness, even old, old bitterness that I may have been holding onto for years. I no longer have to worry or plan how I might get back at someone. I am free not to rejoice in their downfall and to realize that it is not the person themselves that I am fighting against. It is the evil one. My job is to live at peace with my fellow man and to operate honorably so as not to bring shame on my family or more importantly, on to God. I can leave the job of holding them accountable to God.
By doing so, I allow God not only to work mightily in my life, but to also begin to work in the life and heart of those that have hurt me. For Him to do this, I need to trust and obey Him. I need to know that God never intended my life, or anyone's for that matter, to be destroyed or filled with bitterness. He instead wants me to have a life that is filled up and overflowing with blessings. An abundant life.
Ok so how do I do this? How do I just trust what God is telling me? How do I know that I have the strength do this. On those days when I feel like I can't listen to what God says, I can't do what He has asked, I must meditate on what His word says. In Phillipians 4:13 He tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" I only need ask for His strength, grace, mercy and help in those times when I feel weak. I need to be willing to say that I myself cannot, but I can in Christ. To truly believe this and to walk in it. It is His truth and I must trust in what He has told me.
I found a few scriptures that address these things that I will leave with you today. I know there are many, many more but these ones seem very appropriate for what I am talking about. Romans 12:9-21, Ephesians 6:10-13, John 10:10, and Phillipians 4:13. There are many more that I intend to find and write upon my heart. I invite you to do the same. I know that for me this has been a very heavy topic in my life. I know its hard to deal with sometimes. If you have any questions or just want me to pray for you, please let me know. You see, bitterness took me to a really dark time in my life. I feel very blessed to have survived it. Some don't. Remember you always have a true friend in Jesus.
Heavenly Father, I cannot thank You enough for Your love and mercy. For the fact that I do not have to hang onto and deal with my bitterness Lord, but that I can lay it all at Your mighty feet. That I can fully trust You and all You say in Your word. Father your love and tenderness has worked on my heart and shown me a better way. I pray now that You would do the same Lord in the lives of my family, friends and even my enemies. Those I know about, and those I don't. Father I give it all to You so that you can begin a new and wonderful work in their hearts. Lord I pray that they to would know Your love and mercy. That they would also find a better and not a bitter way Lord. I pray for those who don't know You yet Lord. That you would put people who love you and follow after Your own heart into their lives so that they to can feel the peace that passes understanding. And I pray Father that You would continue to work in my life. To help me to know You more. To walk in a way that always brings Honor to You. Thank you Father God for Your tender mercies. Amen.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Finally Home
So the journey I have taken through recovery was not an easy one. I had planned to write about it as I went through the experience but I truly had no idea just how hard it was going to be. It was very mentally demanding. I was in program, that is what they call it, 11 hours a day. It was like being at a job where all you do is think all day long. And they pick at you until they can get you to open up. I guess pick is a strong word, but that is exactly what it feels like.
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it all the time. I must remember that I was there to get rid of a disease. A disease that was wasting my life away, taking me away from all of the things I value. I was in such a dark place that I didn't even know what my values were anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that is why I was there. To figure out who I was and what my values are.
There were so many lost and hurting people there just like me. Things in their lives just got to be to much and they turned to an eating disorder to hide their feelings, emotions and hurt. Just like me. It was so strange to be around others who were like me. And at the same time, it felt good. Not good that they to were suffering the way I was, but good that I was finally around people who got me. Who truly understood why I was doing the things I did.
When I got there I was introduced, sort of, to the community. That is what they call the group of individuals who are on your track. A track is the group of individuals who are on one side of the building with a set or team of people treating them. We had 2 tracks. Our track in the beginning consisted of about 12 people. I was warmly welcomed by them all and could see that they were all truly dedicated to getting better. They all were there to conquer this awful disease.
My first 2 days were just horrible. Not the treatment but the fact that I was hours away from my family in a strange environment with people I didn't even know. I remember crying all day and at night, calling Ed and begging him to come and get me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how terribly lonely I felt. You see, during the dark months, ok the last few years, I had even grown distant from God, so I felt completely abandoned. And calling Ed didn't help. He would gently remind me that I was in treatment for a reason and that I needed to stay.
I met a woman the first day I was there. She befriended me and tried really hard to make me feel welcome. I am not going to mention her name as her journey is private, just like most, if not all, of the people there. They did not want us to mention the program or anyone in it so I will write about things but not divulge names or locations. She had been in treatment since July. Little did I know how much I was going to need her friendship during this journey.
So that first week was pretty much a blur. I would go to groups, therapy sessions, a thing called process group, family therapy and my team meetings. We started our day before the sun came up, around 5:30 am(that was what time I would get up so I could shower and get ready) and end our day at 6:00 pm. I would get back to the apartment I lived in, with 3 other women, and be so exhausted and feeling so lonely, I would just go to my room and go to bed. I didn't socialize and I can only imagine what my roomies must have thought of me those first few days.
After the first week, and realizing that Ed was not going to come and get me, I began to settle in. I was still torn between desperately wanting to go home, and wanting to stay. I met a few other people there and began to make friends. They would meet down by the pool at night and just sit around and sing or visit or both. One young man there was extremely talented both in playing the guitar and singing. He kind of lead the gatherings at night. I didn't participate in the night time pool outings because I was so tired each night, and I must admit, I just didn't feel like I belonged. Not that I didn't belong at treatment and not that everyone wasn't nice and welcoming, just like I didn't belong.
I think it was my second week there, maybe the third, when the young man who sang and played guitar, was cut from the program. Not cut by the program but by his insurance. You see, insurance companies seem to not recognize that eating disorders are very severe and that people need months of treatment. Well actually, as I learned, years. Not years of inpatient treatment, but inpatient and outpatient. It happened to so many people while I was there that I was so angry. Angry that the insurance companies didn't get it. They weren't there, they don't know these people, they didn't get to hear the stories and see the dedication these people had to getting better.
So that last night he was there, all of us went to the fire pit by the pool. We sat around and they all talked about their time there in treatment. They talked about what an influence this young man had been to the community. We sang songs and then, we passed around his pendant. You get a pendant when you finish your treatment there and in your goodbye, the pendant is passed around and everyone puts things into your pendant. Encouragements for your continued journey and for you for the rest of your life.
So that's what we did. We sent the pendant around and told this brave, courageous, talented young man goodbye. I was so touched by the love and kindness these people had towards each other. We were all on the same but different journey. We understood each other and we could talk to one another without the fear of judgment or fear of being thought of as weird. In a way, you could finally let go of your guard and just be you.
So the young man left and life in the community went on. There were others who got cut or who finished the program along the way. I continued to struggle. You see I was letting go of a piece of myself, my shield of sorts, the thing I could use to mask or hide feelings. The ED (eating disorder) was beginning to lose its grip on me. And a miraculous change was happening. I can't say that I was always happy to be there but my friend kept encouraging me. She was strong and would tell me that I could do this, I just needed to hang on.
I began to be able to see God again. The darkness that had so taken a hold of me was losing its grip. I began to see that the ED was not my friend. It was not the way I needed to handle life. It was not something I had been in control of but rather, it was controlling me. And it was destroying me at the same time. As my eyes were being opened, I was able to reach out to God again. I could read His word and hear His voice again. I was feeling His touch in my life again. And most importantly, I was finally discovering who I am.
It was such a dramatic change. Getting to know and like me. Getting to realize my worth and the fact that I was valuable. I was not the stories I had heard or told myself all these years. I was not defined by the things that were done to me by others. Or the things that were said about me. I was hearing God's voice telling me that I was His child and worth more than any amount I could ever imagine. I was so valuable that He sent His Son to die for me.
So the journey continued for me. There were good days and bad. Days when I wanted to just pack up and leave. Days when I thought I could do no more. I couldn't face anymore or give up anymore. Couldn't feel anymore. But I did. I stayed the course. I waivered but never quit. And I owe that to God. Also to my determination to beat this. To my wonderful husband who was by my side the entire time. To my friend at treatment who was strong when I was weak. To my Aunt Mary who would listen to me cry and encourage me when I wanted to quit. I know she prayed unceasingly for me. To my family and friends who prayed for me.
And so my journey in treatment came to a close. I garnered the tools needed to continue my journey to healing at home. Home, oh sweet home. I thought the day would never come and that I would never make it but I did, and home never felt as good. Home isn't just a dwelling that you live in. Home is many things to me.
Home is resting in my Fathers arms. My heavenly Father. Home is my husband, being with him, talking to him, having him hold my hand, kiss my face, hold me. Home is my children, their smiles, touches, hugs, and laughter. Home is my family, calling and talking to me. Sending letters of encouragement. Praying for me. Home is sitting on the back porch listening to the sounds of nature. That is home.
So I end todays blog with this. When it seems like you can go no further, can't hang on another second. Can't endure another moment, look to Him. That is look to God. You see, even when it seems to be bleak, and there is no way out, He has a plan. Even when you feel so defeated, like the enemy is winning the battle, He has a plan. When you can't take even one more step, He is there to carry you. I truly believe what scripture says. In Phillipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
He is there with us even when we don't think we can feel Him. He walks beside us even in the darkness. He is always waiting for us to call out to Him and to admit that we can't do it on our own. It isn't easy to give up the control we think we have, but it is so worth it. Trust in what He has to say, trust the process and trust yourself. Your worth it.
Father God, thank you for this journey. Thank you for the many who touched my life during this journey. For those who were with me through the entire process and those who briefly touched me. Thank you for your faithful ones. The ones who prayed for me unceasingly. Those who held the faith even when I was doubting. Your never ending love and the God glasses you gave me to see in myself what You always knew was there. Thank you for the wonderful husband you blessed me with. His strength, love and devotion to you truly saw me through this. He loved me like you do Father and that in its self is so amazing. Thank you for my beautiful children. To see in them your love, compassion and warmth. I am so very blessed. Thanks for my daughter in laws and beautiful grandbabies. My family and friends. God bless them all.
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it all the time. I must remember that I was there to get rid of a disease. A disease that was wasting my life away, taking me away from all of the things I value. I was in such a dark place that I didn't even know what my values were anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that is why I was there. To figure out who I was and what my values are.
There were so many lost and hurting people there just like me. Things in their lives just got to be to much and they turned to an eating disorder to hide their feelings, emotions and hurt. Just like me. It was so strange to be around others who were like me. And at the same time, it felt good. Not good that they to were suffering the way I was, but good that I was finally around people who got me. Who truly understood why I was doing the things I did.
When I got there I was introduced, sort of, to the community. That is what they call the group of individuals who are on your track. A track is the group of individuals who are on one side of the building with a set or team of people treating them. We had 2 tracks. Our track in the beginning consisted of about 12 people. I was warmly welcomed by them all and could see that they were all truly dedicated to getting better. They all were there to conquer this awful disease.
My first 2 days were just horrible. Not the treatment but the fact that I was hours away from my family in a strange environment with people I didn't even know. I remember crying all day and at night, calling Ed and begging him to come and get me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how terribly lonely I felt. You see, during the dark months, ok the last few years, I had even grown distant from God, so I felt completely abandoned. And calling Ed didn't help. He would gently remind me that I was in treatment for a reason and that I needed to stay.
I met a woman the first day I was there. She befriended me and tried really hard to make me feel welcome. I am not going to mention her name as her journey is private, just like most, if not all, of the people there. They did not want us to mention the program or anyone in it so I will write about things but not divulge names or locations. She had been in treatment since July. Little did I know how much I was going to need her friendship during this journey.
So that first week was pretty much a blur. I would go to groups, therapy sessions, a thing called process group, family therapy and my team meetings. We started our day before the sun came up, around 5:30 am(that was what time I would get up so I could shower and get ready) and end our day at 6:00 pm. I would get back to the apartment I lived in, with 3 other women, and be so exhausted and feeling so lonely, I would just go to my room and go to bed. I didn't socialize and I can only imagine what my roomies must have thought of me those first few days.
After the first week, and realizing that Ed was not going to come and get me, I began to settle in. I was still torn between desperately wanting to go home, and wanting to stay. I met a few other people there and began to make friends. They would meet down by the pool at night and just sit around and sing or visit or both. One young man there was extremely talented both in playing the guitar and singing. He kind of lead the gatherings at night. I didn't participate in the night time pool outings because I was so tired each night, and I must admit, I just didn't feel like I belonged. Not that I didn't belong at treatment and not that everyone wasn't nice and welcoming, just like I didn't belong.
I think it was my second week there, maybe the third, when the young man who sang and played guitar, was cut from the program. Not cut by the program but by his insurance. You see, insurance companies seem to not recognize that eating disorders are very severe and that people need months of treatment. Well actually, as I learned, years. Not years of inpatient treatment, but inpatient and outpatient. It happened to so many people while I was there that I was so angry. Angry that the insurance companies didn't get it. They weren't there, they don't know these people, they didn't get to hear the stories and see the dedication these people had to getting better.
So that last night he was there, all of us went to the fire pit by the pool. We sat around and they all talked about their time there in treatment. They talked about what an influence this young man had been to the community. We sang songs and then, we passed around his pendant. You get a pendant when you finish your treatment there and in your goodbye, the pendant is passed around and everyone puts things into your pendant. Encouragements for your continued journey and for you for the rest of your life.
So that's what we did. We sent the pendant around and told this brave, courageous, talented young man goodbye. I was so touched by the love and kindness these people had towards each other. We were all on the same but different journey. We understood each other and we could talk to one another without the fear of judgment or fear of being thought of as weird. In a way, you could finally let go of your guard and just be you.
So the young man left and life in the community went on. There were others who got cut or who finished the program along the way. I continued to struggle. You see I was letting go of a piece of myself, my shield of sorts, the thing I could use to mask or hide feelings. The ED (eating disorder) was beginning to lose its grip on me. And a miraculous change was happening. I can't say that I was always happy to be there but my friend kept encouraging me. She was strong and would tell me that I could do this, I just needed to hang on.
I began to be able to see God again. The darkness that had so taken a hold of me was losing its grip. I began to see that the ED was not my friend. It was not the way I needed to handle life. It was not something I had been in control of but rather, it was controlling me. And it was destroying me at the same time. As my eyes were being opened, I was able to reach out to God again. I could read His word and hear His voice again. I was feeling His touch in my life again. And most importantly, I was finally discovering who I am.
It was such a dramatic change. Getting to know and like me. Getting to realize my worth and the fact that I was valuable. I was not the stories I had heard or told myself all these years. I was not defined by the things that were done to me by others. Or the things that were said about me. I was hearing God's voice telling me that I was His child and worth more than any amount I could ever imagine. I was so valuable that He sent His Son to die for me.
So the journey continued for me. There were good days and bad. Days when I wanted to just pack up and leave. Days when I thought I could do no more. I couldn't face anymore or give up anymore. Couldn't feel anymore. But I did. I stayed the course. I waivered but never quit. And I owe that to God. Also to my determination to beat this. To my wonderful husband who was by my side the entire time. To my friend at treatment who was strong when I was weak. To my Aunt Mary who would listen to me cry and encourage me when I wanted to quit. I know she prayed unceasingly for me. To my family and friends who prayed for me.
And so my journey in treatment came to a close. I garnered the tools needed to continue my journey to healing at home. Home, oh sweet home. I thought the day would never come and that I would never make it but I did, and home never felt as good. Home isn't just a dwelling that you live in. Home is many things to me.
Home is resting in my Fathers arms. My heavenly Father. Home is my husband, being with him, talking to him, having him hold my hand, kiss my face, hold me. Home is my children, their smiles, touches, hugs, and laughter. Home is my family, calling and talking to me. Sending letters of encouragement. Praying for me. Home is sitting on the back porch listening to the sounds of nature. That is home.
So I end todays blog with this. When it seems like you can go no further, can't hang on another second. Can't endure another moment, look to Him. That is look to God. You see, even when it seems to be bleak, and there is no way out, He has a plan. Even when you feel so defeated, like the enemy is winning the battle, He has a plan. When you can't take even one more step, He is there to carry you. I truly believe what scripture says. In Phillipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
He is there with us even when we don't think we can feel Him. He walks beside us even in the darkness. He is always waiting for us to call out to Him and to admit that we can't do it on our own. It isn't easy to give up the control we think we have, but it is so worth it. Trust in what He has to say, trust the process and trust yourself. Your worth it.
Father God, thank you for this journey. Thank you for the many who touched my life during this journey. For those who were with me through the entire process and those who briefly touched me. Thank you for your faithful ones. The ones who prayed for me unceasingly. Those who held the faith even when I was doubting. Your never ending love and the God glasses you gave me to see in myself what You always knew was there. Thank you for the wonderful husband you blessed me with. His strength, love and devotion to you truly saw me through this. He loved me like you do Father and that in its self is so amazing. Thank you for my beautiful children. To see in them your love, compassion and warmth. I am so very blessed. Thanks for my daughter in laws and beautiful grandbabies. My family and friends. God bless them all.
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