Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, and let us reason together," Says the Lord, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are like crimson, They should be white as Snow."
I am reminded of this verse as I watch the huge flakes of snow falling this morning. It Is so funny to think about what your world around you looks like, than on a snowy day, it all changes. It all looks beautiful. Everything is clean and new.
Well, when we except Jesus as our Savior, we to are washed white as snow. Its not just a one time thing, its daily. He cleanses us from all the sins that make us dark and ugly inside. We learn what real forgiveness means, and we can feel free from the burdens and chains that have kept us prisoner all out lives.
I know what its like to think that I could rid myself of that pain on my own. I tried unsuccessfuly to fill my life with other things. With business, people, and my ED. All these things would make me feel good for a moment, but than it was back again. That empty, lonely feeling that made me feel devastated each time.
I heard people say that I could control my own happiness just with my thinking. That I could change my destiny by thinking it better. Positive power, that's all I needed. Well I will tell you, I tried that to. Not that its bad to be positive, but it was just me than. Nothing else. You would need to only be concerned with you. That didn't work for me. I knew there was more, I could feel it in my heart, and I had been taught that there was. So I began to look. I began to earnestly seek.
Thats when I found my way back to God. I thought because of all that had happened, that He had left me somehow. That I had done something so awful, that He didn't want me as HIs child anymore. But I knew that not to be true. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. If I was feeling all this loneliness and emptiness, its because I chose to walk away from God, not the other way around. That is why I felt so alone.
I knew that I needed relationship with Him again. I began to read His word, go to church, not because church is the only place to find God, but because fellowship with other Christian's is important. I started talking to God again. Praying to Him throughout the day. Letting Him know what I was feeling and going through. Yes He already knows, but I believe that He wants us to come to Him, like a parent, and talk to Him about our life and what is happening.
I belive that God wants us to acknowledge the fact that without Him, we are alone even in a world full of others. He wants us to come to Him with our hurt, sorrow, anger, pain and joy. Everything we go through or feel, we can go to Him and He will listen and comfort us. He wants us to be happy, to live a good life and to let others know that they to can have what we have.
I'm afraid that I have not always been the best example of this. There have been times when I wasn't acting or living the way that God calls us to. Its not that I didn't want to live that way, its that , and this is in no way an excuse, I was so deep into my ED, that I couldn't see how it was affecting my ability to love others, to walk the way God had called me, and to use the gifts and talents He had given me to share with others.
This was so hard for me to realize. To know that I had chosen to put ED before God. That I was willing to walk away from that free gift that He offers to all, so I could be chained to my misery. To know that my choice was slowly killing me, my relationships with others and with God. I was dying, killing my internal organs and destroying the temple of God. Not what He has called me to do, but what I was chosing of my own free will.
Well, once I realized all of this, I cried out, first to God, than to my husband, and than to outside help, I was able to start down the path of healing. It wasn't easy and I could only see myself as this ugly thing. This thing or person that wasn't worthy of love, compassion or caring. I was dark inside, a blackness had settled on my, I was stained and I would never be clean. Thats when I saw it, the verse above. And I looked for others. Verses that spoke about the unclean becoming white as snow, the stains, crimson stains, being washed away and all that was left was clean once more.
There was my hope. My light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I had been traveling in. I didn't even realize how dark it was, until I let the light back it. The feeling of being clean was beyound description. To no longer have to bear the load on my own. To carry a burden that for one was to heavy and two, never mine to bear alone. All along God was waiting for me to see this. To turn to Him, cry out to Him, and to ask. That was all, just to ask. That tiny little action of no longer thinking I was in control, but turning it over completely to Him.
Now if you have ever carried soemthing really heavy, you know that if someone comes along and helps, the load is lighter. Its easier to carry. Your not all alone. Thats what God did for me, and He also cleansed me from that which I thought I could never be clean from. He washed me in the blood of the Lamb, and I was white as snow. I was free from my sin and shame. My past was no longer in control of my present. God was! And it was easy once I just let go.
So now I can see myself as I see the outside. Washed white as snow. Clean, loved, cherished, forgiven. You can know this feeling to. You only need to accept Jesus into your heart. Let Him drive out the darkness and fill you with light. Let Him carry the burdens you have held onto for so long. Let Him wash you white as snow!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Monday, March 2, 2015
Moving Forward
"Bretheren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead," Phillipians 3:13
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
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