Achieving the Dream

     The last year and a half has been so hard on us all. We have seen the ravages of a virus that has taken the lives of so very many people. We have watched as our country has fallen apart, American's turning against American's over so many different things.

      I for one stayed working while millions of people were out of work, staying away from others, and feeling so very depressed because they were not allowed to have social interactions with others. I don't know how hard that was because I continued to care for the sick, care for covid patients, hold their hands as they died, tell their loved ones they were gone, and continue caring for others.

     The caring for others has always been my dream. I knew from early on that it was my calling to go into medicine. I thought for the longest time it was to be a Dr. That changed when I met and married my husband.  We spent a year in South Carolina and then 3 years in Germany while he was in the military. 

     During these years I took care of my children, took other children in and cared for them as well. I worked odds and end jobs, went to school for other things, and never felt satisfied. It wasn't until my kids were in high school and middle school that I finally took the leap. I jumped in with both feet and a prayer that God would help me as I navigated being a wife, mother, and nursing student.

     Let me tell you that this is not an easy feat. Nursing school is grueling and demands so much time. There were times that I wanted to quit, but with the encouragement of my family, and knowing God's calling on my life, I persevered. It was not that easy, but I knew what I wanted. 

     Once I graduated, I became a nurse in a small rural clinic in southeastern Colorado. What a learning experience that was. I loved the patients, the Dr. and PA were amazing, and the secretary and I clicked. I was scared when I started, but as time went on, the PA took me under his wing and taught me so very much. He had practiced medicine in England and the way they did things was very different. 

     I went on house calls with the Dr., learned all the phlebotomy methods for blood draws (due to us being so rural, and a satellite clinic for a hospital 26 miles from our clinic), assisted with minor surgical procedures, learned how to sterilize equipment, and paper charting. Things that I don't feel other nurses were doing, I was. Being a farming community, we would deal with even severe emergencies as they came through the door. 

     I remember a time when a man who went to our church walked in and told me the symptoms he was having. I recognized them for a heart attack, called the Dr. who wasn't due for another hour, got an order to give aspirin, and called an ambulance. The man survived because of our actions that day. I learned to trust in myself a little more.

     As years went on, I decided to get my RN license so I could become a Hospice Nurse. That was hard again, but I was determined. I became an RN in 2015. I began my hospice journey and loved it very much. I knew that God had called me to this work, and I just took to it. I was so honored to be with families as they walked this journey. It wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. 

     I decided this summer to start the bachelors of nursing program at our local college. It has stretched me further than I though possible and taught me some very valuable things. I didn't think I ever wanted to go back to school, but figured that it could only benefit me in the long run. I am hoping that I will be done within a year but we will see.

     I tell you all of this so that you to can strive for that dream. I am 52 years old and back in college. I have raised my kids, I have grandkids, and I really thought I was settled in my nursing career. I just felt driven to do something more. To go further, to challenge myself, and to achieve one more dream. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me as I walk through it. 

     Ask God to guide you, chase that dream, live your best life.

      

Aunt Mary

  

     Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. We suffered a tragedy of the worst kind. The loss of my beautiful Aunt Mary. This loss is so profound it rocked me to my core. It has shaken my heart in ways I never thought it could. She was the woman who had a big part in who I am today.  She fed into my life so much love, knowledge, and faith. 

     My Aunt Mary was there from the time I was born. She was so sweet and loved me like a daughter. She would spend time doing my hair, taking me places, and just being there for me. We talked on the phone every day, sometimes 3-4 times. She would pray with me, give me words of advice, and encourage me when I felt lost. 

     I am so fortunate that I have been blessed with such amazing women in my life. My Aunts have always been there for me in so many ways. They helped raise me and guide me through the my childhood and into adulthood. They have poured into me love, knowledge, compassion, faith, honesty, integrity, and again love.

     When I was 16 year old, I was so lost.  I found myself pregnant, hopeless, and feeling like such a failure. I could not even imagine that I was worth anything. I felt as if I had let my family down and disappointed them all. My Aunt Mary had me over to her house and she told me, It's okay Carrie, God loves you and wants you to know how much He loves you.

     I could not even fathom what she was telling me, but over the course of my pregnancy, she continued to tell me of Christ's love for me. I attended church with her on Sunday's and Wednesday nights. We went to every event the church held. Slowly but surely I began to believe what was being said. 

     She continued to lovingly guide me through some of the darkest times in my life, and would always tell me, "if God is for you, who can be against you."  It was April 1st 1985, and with her guidance I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior. For the first time I felt a deep and unconditional love that reached into the core of my being and let me know I was worthy.  This is what my Aunt Mary wanted me to know.

     Through the years she continued to pour into my life. She was there for my wedding, the birth of my children, my triumphs and losses. When I lost my daddy, her brother, she consoled me even though her own heart was breaking. She always had a word of encouragement, hope, love. She would tell me that the storm would pass, and the sun would shine again, and to hang onto my faith.

     All throughout the years she would always pray with me, and I always knew if I had a need, she would pray and I know that I know she had a direct line to God. If you needed prayer, you called Aunt Mary. She would pray and answers would come.

     After I lost my dad, I turned to her because she was a connection to my dad. She was a part of him. I loved hearing her stories of their adventures.  She would tell me stories of when I was little and the things we did. Memories that will be forever held in my heart.

     My Aunt also had a lot of heartache. She loved and loved hard. She was always so loving and giving and her one true heartache was how mean people would be. I would cry when she would call me and tell me about someone being mean to her. How people would reject her for whatever reason. I could not understand how someone could not just love her the way I did. But that's the problem, people can be cruel and sometimes not realize it.

     My aunt only ever wanted to be accepted and appreciated. She tried so hard all the time. She would always tell me, "Carrie, We are so much alike. We just try to do for everyone and hope that they will love us. Then we get so very hurt when they don't." She was so very right because I am just like her. I am proud to be like her in some ways. I can only hope that she knew how very very much she meant to me, and that I can be 1/2 the woman she was. 

     She was never apologetic for her faith, and some people were offended by that. They shouldn't have been.  She just had passion for her faith and didn't want anyone to miss out on eternity. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for the people we love and care about.

     I feel so sad for those who missed out on the relationship they could have had with her. The friendship she offered, the love that she had. To you, you will never know what a beautiful, knowledgeable, compassionate, passionate, faithful, loving person she was. It is truly a loss you will never understand.

     I can hear her voice say, "you will get through this. Know that this to shall pass. Lean into faith, rejoice for me, don't cry for me because today I am in Heaven and with my parents and your dad." Oh aunt Mary, I don't know how I will get through this without you because it is you I would turn to in heartache like this. I won't let you down, I will lean in and I will see you again.

     Aunt Mary, Fly high. I know you walked straight into the arms of Jesus yesterday and that you were whole and healed. You were re-united with your parents, and brother, and for that I am truly jealous. I will cry and hurt for a very long time. Your loss is truly a deep, deep hole in my heart, but I wouldn't wish you back. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. Until we meet again.