We have all faced challenges in our lives. They come in many different forms. I was going to say tonight, but its actually 3 am so this morning, my challenge is sleep. I have a heavy burden on my heart. A need to say what I think the Lord is speaking to me.
I myself have faced many challenges. As I reflect back over my life, there seems to be a theme. The biggest challenge I have is ME. I am my own biggest challenge. I get in my own way all the time. This comes in many different ways. My biggest though, is procrastination. I put things off until the last possible moment, and than I make everyone around me miserable because I go into panic mode.
This is not a good thing. I make my panic everyone else's problem. I wait to do what I know needs to be done instead of just doing it. This last year has been a lot of procrastination. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who helps keep me on target when he isn't so busy trying to do five hundred other things. He has pushed me to do things he knows I truly have wanted, and yet have put off for one reason or another. This year it was to go back and get my RN. Its something I have wanted and tried to do may times, but with life, it has always been pushed to the back burner.
So, back to challenges. Over my life time, I have glimpsed the challenges faced by others. I have seen victory, and I have seen defeat. It's easy to rejoice in the victories, but what do we do with defeat? How do we support a person in their time of defeat? How do we react, rather a friend or a stranger, is in a time of defeat? Do we run to or away from them? Or do we stand and help them fight? Are we fair weather friends, or are we there in all types of weather friend? Its a question that deserves an answer, but not one that always makes me look so nice.
As a nurse, I have seen some things that I know would defeat me entirely, and yet, my patients don't give up. They might get down at times, but they say to me, and others around them, this is only temporary. It will get better. For some, it means a full recovery, while others, sadly, lose their battle. But does this mean defeat, or victory? I think that all depends on your faith.
I learned, from the time I was born, that there is a Power greater than any man. A Person in whom I can put all my trust. One Who will never let me down. That even in death, there is victory. I have also learned that I am never alone in my struggles. This does not mean that I won't have hard times. Times of doubt or fear. It only means that when I do, I have The One I can lean on with me at all times and through all things.
This world has become a very difficult place for people to find belonging. I see so many people walking around with such emptiness. Oh sure they try to look happy. They keep themselves so busy that they never have time to stop and look around. They run around filling their lives with what they think will make them happy. Filling their lives with stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.
This season is an example of that. A season when the shopping centers are full of people trying to buy what they think someone will love. I see shopping carts filled to the top, people carrying so many shopping bags that they can't hardly walk. The hustle and bustle of buy, buy, buy, but very little joy on their faces. They seem consumed with the challenge of getting just the right gift for the people they love, but I can't help but think that they are missing the point.
When I was little, and that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, oh wait, that was right here in this galaxy. But all kidding aside, when I was little, life was so different. So much simpler. People spent time together with their families at Christmas. The excitement of the season was knowing I was going to get to hang out with my favorite people. My Aunts, Uncles, grandparents, and the all important cousins. It wasn't about stuff, but about being with those I loved and who meant so much to me.
It was a time of laughter, joy, catching up on what was going on in everyone's lives. The kids, my cousins and I, had so much fun seeing who could sneak the most fudge without getting caught. It meant good food, good company, and much love. It wasn't all about the presents, but more about the presence. The presence of the people around us. Family and friends who gathered together not for gifts, but just because they loved one another. And not one of us ever forgot what the season was truly about.
All of my cousins and I were raised knowing that this season was a celebration of the birth of Jesus. We knew that to our very core. Our grandparents parents, aunts, and uncles made sure of that. All the family made sure of that. We knew it meant Christmas mass. Time praying and thanking God for the ultimate gift. It meant the story of Mary and Joseph and their challenges. The challenge of travel, seeking shelter, and than the birth of their Son Jesus.
It is in that story that I draw my strength. You see, Mary faced a challenge that none of us have ever experienced. She was faced with a challenge that could ultimately lead to her death. She was challenged with a pregnancy out of wedlock, which in those days meant stoning to death. She was challenged with going to her betrothed, a man that she would marry, love, and bare children for, and telling him that she was with child. A challenge of knowing she was to carry the Son of God Himself.
I know that times are hard for people. I know there are those who suffer in silence, alone and afraid. Those who walk in addiction, pain, depression, anxiety, anger, hate and grief. I also know that there is One who can take all the challenges we face, walk with us, and refine us during the fire. He is the One Who can help us conquer all challenges we face in life.
I have watched those who were given a challenge that would only end in death. Those who knew where they would go, accepted that challenge and faced it with strength. Like Christ, they knew how their story would end, but the stood upright, and kept going. That is who I want to be. I want to be a person who, when faced with a challenge, stands upright, without fear, and marches on. I hope that for all of my family.
So as I draw this blog to an end, I leave you with a challenge. My challenge is to really look at your life. Are you happy? Do you know where you are going? Do you know Jesus as your Lord and savior? If not, challenge yourself to ask. Ask someone who knows Jesus. Ask them to teach you, to show you the Way. My challenge is for you to find peace and rest from all that has been wearing you down. Don't procrastinate, for the time is short.
Do you hear the knocking at the door of your heart? Open the door and let Him in. It will be the best choice you have ever made. You can finally stop running and rest in Him. God Bless you all. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
In Christ
Carrie
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
The Storm in me
Have you ever watched a movie in which the people were in a boat on a stormed tossed sea? You know, the boat is rolling back and forth, the people are panicked and crying, they fear that they may not survive. Sometime the boat sinks and there are only a few survivors.
Well lately, that's how my life has felt. Well to be honest, that's how my life has felt for the last 2 years. The storms just keep raging, the boat is being rocked and tossed about, and its falling apart, very slowly its sinking. That's how I have felt, and let me tell you, its not fun.
I sometimes wonder where is my faith, where is the optimist I have always been, where is my joy? I feel like it gets harder and harder to keep my head above water. Battered on all sides by life. It would be really easy to slip into old habits, to things that are comfortable or my old coping mechanisms, but I know that is not the answer. I know that by doing so, I will only find misery.
I want to feel that joy, that deep abiding love, that faith that could move mountains, but where? Where do you find light in the deepest darkest night? Where do you find hope when all seems hopeless? When you feel like you don't have a single friend in the world and no matter where you turn, your trapped?
Just like on a ship, you must turn to the Captain. The person who knows the ship better than anyone else. Not only does He know the ship, He loves the ship and would give up His life to save it. That's who my Jesus is. He is the Captain of my life. I sometimes get so caught up in the storm, I forget that He, not I, am in control. He has maneuvered through all kinds of stormy seas. He has guided it through the rocks and many other obstacles. He has never abandoned His ship, no matter how bad the storm might have gotten.
When I remind myself of this, that he is the most important person on the ship, than I can know peace. I can know a peace that surpasses anything I might think I know or understand. He can say to the stormy waters, "Be still," and the waters will calm instantly. Its so amazing when I just put all my faith in Him, not in man, or anything in the world. There is nothing in this world that could give me the comfort I have in Him.
My disappointments only prove that I can't put my faith in any man. Man is flawed and will always fail you. It may not even be something they mean to do, but never-the-less, it will happen. When I try to put my faith in any person, I set that person up to fail me. They don't mean to hurt or disappoint me, but they are not prefect and so I should never expect them to be.
So it is now that I turn to Him. This storm that has been raging in me has become to big. I have so focused on the storm, that I have forgotten the promise He gave me. A promise for my life to have a peace and to prosper. That doesn't mean that there won't be storms. Storms are just a natural part of life. But it does mean that in every storm, I have a Captain who knows His ship. Knows how to control the ship and keep it safe. I know that even if the ship sinks, He is right there with it. Right there with me.
No matter how bad the storm in your life may be, don't lose hope, or despair. The Captain is in control. He will always guide you safely home. He will always calm the storm in me.
Well lately, that's how my life has felt. Well to be honest, that's how my life has felt for the last 2 years. The storms just keep raging, the boat is being rocked and tossed about, and its falling apart, very slowly its sinking. That's how I have felt, and let me tell you, its not fun.
I sometimes wonder where is my faith, where is the optimist I have always been, where is my joy? I feel like it gets harder and harder to keep my head above water. Battered on all sides by life. It would be really easy to slip into old habits, to things that are comfortable or my old coping mechanisms, but I know that is not the answer. I know that by doing so, I will only find misery.
I want to feel that joy, that deep abiding love, that faith that could move mountains, but where? Where do you find light in the deepest darkest night? Where do you find hope when all seems hopeless? When you feel like you don't have a single friend in the world and no matter where you turn, your trapped?
Just like on a ship, you must turn to the Captain. The person who knows the ship better than anyone else. Not only does He know the ship, He loves the ship and would give up His life to save it. That's who my Jesus is. He is the Captain of my life. I sometimes get so caught up in the storm, I forget that He, not I, am in control. He has maneuvered through all kinds of stormy seas. He has guided it through the rocks and many other obstacles. He has never abandoned His ship, no matter how bad the storm might have gotten.
When I remind myself of this, that he is the most important person on the ship, than I can know peace. I can know a peace that surpasses anything I might think I know or understand. He can say to the stormy waters, "Be still," and the waters will calm instantly. Its so amazing when I just put all my faith in Him, not in man, or anything in the world. There is nothing in this world that could give me the comfort I have in Him.
My disappointments only prove that I can't put my faith in any man. Man is flawed and will always fail you. It may not even be something they mean to do, but never-the-less, it will happen. When I try to put my faith in any person, I set that person up to fail me. They don't mean to hurt or disappoint me, but they are not prefect and so I should never expect them to be.
So it is now that I turn to Him. This storm that has been raging in me has become to big. I have so focused on the storm, that I have forgotten the promise He gave me. A promise for my life to have a peace and to prosper. That doesn't mean that there won't be storms. Storms are just a natural part of life. But it does mean that in every storm, I have a Captain who knows His ship. Knows how to control the ship and keep it safe. I know that even if the ship sinks, He is right there with it. Right there with me.
No matter how bad the storm in your life may be, don't lose hope, or despair. The Captain is in control. He will always guide you safely home. He will always calm the storm in me.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Journey to health
So I am going to be starting a new journey. One that will hopefully end with me being so much healthier. I am going to be eating right, exercising, and just being overall more active. I will be keeping a photo journal. I will take pictures and be weighing and measuring myself. Its going to be hard to let you know what I weigh and my measurements but, it will help me work a little harder at staying the course. I will be using my fitness pal in this journey to monitor my intake as well as my calories burnt.
Here goes..
Not the most flattering photo's but it is where I am starting at right now. I am hoping that within a few months, the pictures will begin to show the difference. I am choosing to do this the right way so that I don't get caught in the trap that lots of women do. I know I will never be stick thin, and I don't want to be. I just want to be healthy.
God bless and have a happy and healthy day.
Here goes..
God bless and have a happy and healthy day.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Grudge Match
" You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; An eye for an Eye, and a Tooth for a tooth." Matthew 5:38
I have always believed myself to be the most forgiving, loving and kind person I know. If you asked me what I thought of this verse, I would say that no, I don't believe that is true. I believe that we are to be more like Christ and forgive others as well as turn the other cheek. I was not one to hold a grudge, not forgive, believe that someone deserved something awful to happen to them because they had wronged me.
Then God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are holding on to grudges." This is very hard to write because of the tears flowing down my face right now. I did hold grudges, I didn't let go of wrong doings. Oh sure I would say that I had forgiven someone, but deep down inside I was waiting.
Waiting for them to come to me or to call me and say they were sorry.
I was waiting for them to change and become what I thought they should be, do what I thought they should do or even to say what I thought they should say.
I wanted them to admit to me that what they did to me was wrong and that they shouldn't have said or done what they did.
All my life I have been a very sensitive person. Very shy as a child and than as I got older, very easily sent into tears. Some one wouldn't want to play with me and I would cry. Someone would tease me and I would cry. I wouldn't be included in things and again, I would cry. When I look back at it, it all seems so exhausting. I was always trying so hard to be liked, accepted, that I missed out on so much.
I would try so hard to please everyone. This would sometimes mean saying one thing to one person and than going and contradicting myself by saying something else to the other person. I wanted so desperately to be liked by everyone, that I didn't realize I was hurting those I wanted to have like me and pushing them away. This wasn't who I wanted to be but I couldn't see what I was doing.
Later I became a Christian. I accepted Christ. For the first time in my life, I was told that there was absolutely nothing I could do to earn someone's love. That God loved me so much, that He sent his son to die for me. It was hard to wrap my brain around.
For a while, I didn't think about what others thought of me because I knew that God loved me, but than I fell back into the old pattern. Holding on to my resentments, letting them build up inside until there was little room left for Jesus.
Don't get me wrong, I still prayed, read my bible, went to church, all the things that kept me in relationship with God, He just didn't have all of me. I even went into my marriage still feeling inadequate. I loved my husband deeply, but couldn't figure out why he would love me. I was still holding on to the feeling that I was just not good enough because there were still people who didn't like me.
I decided that with my kids, I would try to do everything I could to make them strong, confident and unafraid. I wanted them not to worry about what others thought of them because they were very loved by their father and I and most importantly, by God. I prayed daily that God would help me be the parent I didn't feel I ever had. Again, holding onto a grudge.
Things would seem to be going great and than something would pop up, my old resentments would resurface and boom, there would go all the hard work I'd done. This happened over and over again, a viscous cycle. One that would leave me feeling like the worst______, fill in the blank, because believe me, I did. I always felt like I just wasn't good enough and if so and so would just like me, than maybe, just maybe, I would be.
Well that never happened. Even if the person would like me, something would come along and ruin it and 9 times out of 10, that something was my stinking thinking. I would read about letting go of past hurts, about letting go of what I thought I needed to be, to let God lead me and give me rest, but there were a lot of past hurts that I needed to have rectified before I could let go and move on.
I wanted the people who hurt me to apologize, admit they were wrong and than to like me. Once they did this, I just knew I could heal, move on with life, be a better me. By doing this, I held even tighter to the anger, pain, insecurity, self doubt, inability to let go and love. I couldn't heal because I, not they, would keep picking at the wounds and never let them heal.
In the verse above it says, an eye for an eye, payback, restitution. I had heard it or read it along the way several times. That to forgive them they needed to admit their wrong doing, repent and ask for forgiveness. But God told me, healing begins when I take it to Him. When I actually let go, and let Him do the work in the other person. That He, not I, is the only one that can change them..
God wanted me to see beyond that hurt, to stop looking to others for acceptance and to see what He sees in me. That I am loved, that I am His and that I don't need others to come to me and beg forgiveness. If I kept thinking an eye for an eye, I was going to end up losing an eye because of my own sins and hurt that I caused.
I learned that I am to not try to take revenge, or demand an apology from others. That I am to, "never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God..." Romans 12:19 a (NLT)
All this time that I was holding a grudge, it was not righteous. It was so pressed down inside of me, hidden far from my conscious thought, but it would pop up in my thoughts and in my actions all the time. It began to eat away at the compassionate person I have always been and I was becoming angry and bitter.
It even began to affect innocent people that I really love. I became so cautious about being hurt that I would wouldn't leave any room to trust. I would accidently hurt those I loved because I was so angry with someone else, and that would leave me feeling even worse about me.
So what did I need to do? What could I do in order to heal my broken heart and get rid of my stinking thinking?
I needed to stop waiting for payback, for apologies, for those who had hurt me to change. I needed to change me, to walk in a, PAID IN FULL, attitude. Stop thinking about all the wrongs that had happened in the past, and start thinking of all the rights. By doing this, I can finally be released from all that hurt and pain, and start living and loving those who love me.
I have to make a conscious effort to let go everyday. And it gets easier the more I do it. Stop using up all of my thoughts on those who don't know and don't care, and start living and loving those who do.
Here is my prayer; Lord, Father God, I will chose to walk away from all the hurts, all of the past wrongdoings, grudges and debts I have been holding on to. Lord, your Son paid in full any debts that I owed as well as those of others I was trying to collect from. Please help me daily to let go, to love, to walk in Grace and Forgiveness towards those who have hurt me. I receive your mercy and grace and the healing you extend to my heart this very day and everyday. In Jesus' loving name, Amen.
Verse of the Day
Romans 12:21 "Do not let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." (NLT)
Things to Think About
How much energy do you use on a daily basis worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you? How much on past hurts and those who caused them?
So what might happen if all that time and energy was available for you to accept and receive what God has for you today?
Just a few things to think and pray about. I hope your day is truly blessed, I pray that if you are like me and holding on to grudges, that God would do a good work in you today and help you to let go of them and focus all that energy on more important things.
I have always believed myself to be the most forgiving, loving and kind person I know. If you asked me what I thought of this verse, I would say that no, I don't believe that is true. I believe that we are to be more like Christ and forgive others as well as turn the other cheek. I was not one to hold a grudge, not forgive, believe that someone deserved something awful to happen to them because they had wronged me.
Then God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are holding on to grudges." This is very hard to write because of the tears flowing down my face right now. I did hold grudges, I didn't let go of wrong doings. Oh sure I would say that I had forgiven someone, but deep down inside I was waiting.
Waiting for them to come to me or to call me and say they were sorry.
I was waiting for them to change and become what I thought they should be, do what I thought they should do or even to say what I thought they should say.
I wanted them to admit to me that what they did to me was wrong and that they shouldn't have said or done what they did.
All my life I have been a very sensitive person. Very shy as a child and than as I got older, very easily sent into tears. Some one wouldn't want to play with me and I would cry. Someone would tease me and I would cry. I wouldn't be included in things and again, I would cry. When I look back at it, it all seems so exhausting. I was always trying so hard to be liked, accepted, that I missed out on so much.
I would try so hard to please everyone. This would sometimes mean saying one thing to one person and than going and contradicting myself by saying something else to the other person. I wanted so desperately to be liked by everyone, that I didn't realize I was hurting those I wanted to have like me and pushing them away. This wasn't who I wanted to be but I couldn't see what I was doing.
Later I became a Christian. I accepted Christ. For the first time in my life, I was told that there was absolutely nothing I could do to earn someone's love. That God loved me so much, that He sent his son to die for me. It was hard to wrap my brain around.
For a while, I didn't think about what others thought of me because I knew that God loved me, but than I fell back into the old pattern. Holding on to my resentments, letting them build up inside until there was little room left for Jesus.
Don't get me wrong, I still prayed, read my bible, went to church, all the things that kept me in relationship with God, He just didn't have all of me. I even went into my marriage still feeling inadequate. I loved my husband deeply, but couldn't figure out why he would love me. I was still holding on to the feeling that I was just not good enough because there were still people who didn't like me.
I decided that with my kids, I would try to do everything I could to make them strong, confident and unafraid. I wanted them not to worry about what others thought of them because they were very loved by their father and I and most importantly, by God. I prayed daily that God would help me be the parent I didn't feel I ever had. Again, holding onto a grudge.
Things would seem to be going great and than something would pop up, my old resentments would resurface and boom, there would go all the hard work I'd done. This happened over and over again, a viscous cycle. One that would leave me feeling like the worst______, fill in the blank, because believe me, I did. I always felt like I just wasn't good enough and if so and so would just like me, than maybe, just maybe, I would be.
Well that never happened. Even if the person would like me, something would come along and ruin it and 9 times out of 10, that something was my stinking thinking. I would read about letting go of past hurts, about letting go of what I thought I needed to be, to let God lead me and give me rest, but there were a lot of past hurts that I needed to have rectified before I could let go and move on.
I wanted the people who hurt me to apologize, admit they were wrong and than to like me. Once they did this, I just knew I could heal, move on with life, be a better me. By doing this, I held even tighter to the anger, pain, insecurity, self doubt, inability to let go and love. I couldn't heal because I, not they, would keep picking at the wounds and never let them heal.
In the verse above it says, an eye for an eye, payback, restitution. I had heard it or read it along the way several times. That to forgive them they needed to admit their wrong doing, repent and ask for forgiveness. But God told me, healing begins when I take it to Him. When I actually let go, and let Him do the work in the other person. That He, not I, is the only one that can change them..
God wanted me to see beyond that hurt, to stop looking to others for acceptance and to see what He sees in me. That I am loved, that I am His and that I don't need others to come to me and beg forgiveness. If I kept thinking an eye for an eye, I was going to end up losing an eye because of my own sins and hurt that I caused.
I learned that I am to not try to take revenge, or demand an apology from others. That I am to, "never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God..." Romans 12:19 a (NLT)
All this time that I was holding a grudge, it was not righteous. It was so pressed down inside of me, hidden far from my conscious thought, but it would pop up in my thoughts and in my actions all the time. It began to eat away at the compassionate person I have always been and I was becoming angry and bitter.
It even began to affect innocent people that I really love. I became so cautious about being hurt that I would wouldn't leave any room to trust. I would accidently hurt those I loved because I was so angry with someone else, and that would leave me feeling even worse about me.
So what did I need to do? What could I do in order to heal my broken heart and get rid of my stinking thinking?
I needed to stop waiting for payback, for apologies, for those who had hurt me to change. I needed to change me, to walk in a, PAID IN FULL, attitude. Stop thinking about all the wrongs that had happened in the past, and start thinking of all the rights. By doing this, I can finally be released from all that hurt and pain, and start living and loving those who love me.
I have to make a conscious effort to let go everyday. And it gets easier the more I do it. Stop using up all of my thoughts on those who don't know and don't care, and start living and loving those who do.
Here is my prayer; Lord, Father God, I will chose to walk away from all the hurts, all of the past wrongdoings, grudges and debts I have been holding on to. Lord, your Son paid in full any debts that I owed as well as those of others I was trying to collect from. Please help me daily to let go, to love, to walk in Grace and Forgiveness towards those who have hurt me. I receive your mercy and grace and the healing you extend to my heart this very day and everyday. In Jesus' loving name, Amen.
Verse of the Day
Romans 12:21 "Do not let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." (NLT)
Things to Think About
How much energy do you use on a daily basis worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you? How much on past hurts and those who caused them?
So what might happen if all that time and energy was available for you to accept and receive what God has for you today?
Just a few things to think and pray about. I hope your day is truly blessed, I pray that if you are like me and holding on to grudges, that God would do a good work in you today and help you to let go of them and focus all that energy on more important things.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Change
1 Corinthians 15:51-"Behold I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed."
What a powerful message we hear in this tiny verse. It isn't the biggest or smallest verse, but to me it is very powerful. We have all heard that there is one thing you can count on in this life, and that is change. Boy isn't that the truth.
In this context, the author, Paul, I believe is stating a promise. One that came from God himself The promise that when the end comes, when the final trumpet blows, we will be changed. No longer asleep, brought forth from the grave if we have passed on, and brought into eternity. What a beautiful thought.
We know that we, "Do not lay up for ourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19 and I also add where someone can also steal your life. This is not my home. I am not a forever earth dweller. I am promised eternity through my belief in Christ.
So I know that change is inevitable. It is the one thing I can always count on. Changes in life such as where you live, where you work, friends, even changes to families as we add family members, and as some move on from this life to the next. There are changes in so many things on a daily basis. Being flexible is a must.
SO, this brings me to my subject and why I am writing about change. This last year for me has been constant change. It has meant moving from one home to another, all while trying to deal with my dad's health decline and eventual death. Job change, going from one clinic to another and than getting out of clinical work all together. New life, adding new family members to our family. Our oldest son expecting his first child, our middle son getting out of the Marine Corp and moving home, and our youngest son getting his first real job and the change we have seen in him since doing so.
There have been several other changes for me as well. I have been healed from my eating disorder. I have not acted out in it for 10 months. They say that if you can make it for a year, you are more likely to never do it again, "changed." I have learned that I must be very careful who I trust. I have been hurt by people I thought were my friends, only to turn around and find out they weren't. So change in relationships happens as well, and I have changed my relationship with God. It has become deeper, more intimate than before.
I have grown a relationship with my mother as well. To be honest, this is one thing I really never thought possible. My dad made me promise that once he was gone, I would take care of her and try to mend that relationship. Well, that is one positive that came from my dad's passing. I believe we are closer now. I try to call her every day. We no longer have to fight or argue about everything or anything. I have come to realize that she made the best choices she knew how and that she has always loved me no matter what. So I have learned to forgive and let go of the past. It was really only hurting me anyway.
The last change, and probably the hardest, has been realizing that my children are all grown up. I look at them and I see these young adults making choices, learning, loving and living and all without my input. They have gone out into the big bad world, and they are making it just fine. Yes they stumble and have hard times, but they also make decisions, do what needs to be done, and go on with their lives. I am so proud of them all. They have changed, from the small child who needed help with everything into the grown woman and grown men that they are today.
They are strong, loving, kind people. They have made their father and I very proud and we both look forward to seeing them continue to grow and change, yes there's that word again. So I am learning that change is good, even if it comes out of something that was not so good, when you look back you can see the struggle and growth that has come from it.
In closing I would like to encourage you to embrace change, no matter how hard it might be at the time, and see where it might take you. You never know, you might just wake up one day somewhere you never dreamed and find your right where you always wanted to be. I did!
What a powerful message we hear in this tiny verse. It isn't the biggest or smallest verse, but to me it is very powerful. We have all heard that there is one thing you can count on in this life, and that is change. Boy isn't that the truth.
In this context, the author, Paul, I believe is stating a promise. One that came from God himself The promise that when the end comes, when the final trumpet blows, we will be changed. No longer asleep, brought forth from the grave if we have passed on, and brought into eternity. What a beautiful thought.
We know that we, "Do not lay up for ourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19 and I also add where someone can also steal your life. This is not my home. I am not a forever earth dweller. I am promised eternity through my belief in Christ.
So I know that change is inevitable. It is the one thing I can always count on. Changes in life such as where you live, where you work, friends, even changes to families as we add family members, and as some move on from this life to the next. There are changes in so many things on a daily basis. Being flexible is a must.
SO, this brings me to my subject and why I am writing about change. This last year for me has been constant change. It has meant moving from one home to another, all while trying to deal with my dad's health decline and eventual death. Job change, going from one clinic to another and than getting out of clinical work all together. New life, adding new family members to our family. Our oldest son expecting his first child, our middle son getting out of the Marine Corp and moving home, and our youngest son getting his first real job and the change we have seen in him since doing so.
There have been several other changes for me as well. I have been healed from my eating disorder. I have not acted out in it for 10 months. They say that if you can make it for a year, you are more likely to never do it again, "changed." I have learned that I must be very careful who I trust. I have been hurt by people I thought were my friends, only to turn around and find out they weren't. So change in relationships happens as well, and I have changed my relationship with God. It has become deeper, more intimate than before.
I have grown a relationship with my mother as well. To be honest, this is one thing I really never thought possible. My dad made me promise that once he was gone, I would take care of her and try to mend that relationship. Well, that is one positive that came from my dad's passing. I believe we are closer now. I try to call her every day. We no longer have to fight or argue about everything or anything. I have come to realize that she made the best choices she knew how and that she has always loved me no matter what. So I have learned to forgive and let go of the past. It was really only hurting me anyway.
The last change, and probably the hardest, has been realizing that my children are all grown up. I look at them and I see these young adults making choices, learning, loving and living and all without my input. They have gone out into the big bad world, and they are making it just fine. Yes they stumble and have hard times, but they also make decisions, do what needs to be done, and go on with their lives. I am so proud of them all. They have changed, from the small child who needed help with everything into the grown woman and grown men that they are today.
They are strong, loving, kind people. They have made their father and I very proud and we both look forward to seeing them continue to grow and change, yes there's that word again. So I am learning that change is good, even if it comes out of something that was not so good, when you look back you can see the struggle and growth that has come from it.
In closing I would like to encourage you to embrace change, no matter how hard it might be at the time, and see where it might take you. You never know, you might just wake up one day somewhere you never dreamed and find your right where you always wanted to be. I did!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
White as snow
Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, and let us reason together," Says the Lord, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are like crimson, They should be white as Snow."
I am reminded of this verse as I watch the huge flakes of snow falling this morning. It Is so funny to think about what your world around you looks like, than on a snowy day, it all changes. It all looks beautiful. Everything is clean and new.
Well, when we except Jesus as our Savior, we to are washed white as snow. Its not just a one time thing, its daily. He cleanses us from all the sins that make us dark and ugly inside. We learn what real forgiveness means, and we can feel free from the burdens and chains that have kept us prisoner all out lives.
I know what its like to think that I could rid myself of that pain on my own. I tried unsuccessfuly to fill my life with other things. With business, people, and my ED. All these things would make me feel good for a moment, but than it was back again. That empty, lonely feeling that made me feel devastated each time.
I heard people say that I could control my own happiness just with my thinking. That I could change my destiny by thinking it better. Positive power, that's all I needed. Well I will tell you, I tried that to. Not that its bad to be positive, but it was just me than. Nothing else. You would need to only be concerned with you. That didn't work for me. I knew there was more, I could feel it in my heart, and I had been taught that there was. So I began to look. I began to earnestly seek.
Thats when I found my way back to God. I thought because of all that had happened, that He had left me somehow. That I had done something so awful, that He didn't want me as HIs child anymore. But I knew that not to be true. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. If I was feeling all this loneliness and emptiness, its because I chose to walk away from God, not the other way around. That is why I felt so alone.
I knew that I needed relationship with Him again. I began to read His word, go to church, not because church is the only place to find God, but because fellowship with other Christian's is important. I started talking to God again. Praying to Him throughout the day. Letting Him know what I was feeling and going through. Yes He already knows, but I believe that He wants us to come to Him, like a parent, and talk to Him about our life and what is happening.
I belive that God wants us to acknowledge the fact that without Him, we are alone even in a world full of others. He wants us to come to Him with our hurt, sorrow, anger, pain and joy. Everything we go through or feel, we can go to Him and He will listen and comfort us. He wants us to be happy, to live a good life and to let others know that they to can have what we have.
I'm afraid that I have not always been the best example of this. There have been times when I wasn't acting or living the way that God calls us to. Its not that I didn't want to live that way, its that , and this is in no way an excuse, I was so deep into my ED, that I couldn't see how it was affecting my ability to love others, to walk the way God had called me, and to use the gifts and talents He had given me to share with others.
This was so hard for me to realize. To know that I had chosen to put ED before God. That I was willing to walk away from that free gift that He offers to all, so I could be chained to my misery. To know that my choice was slowly killing me, my relationships with others and with God. I was dying, killing my internal organs and destroying the temple of God. Not what He has called me to do, but what I was chosing of my own free will.
Well, once I realized all of this, I cried out, first to God, than to my husband, and than to outside help, I was able to start down the path of healing. It wasn't easy and I could only see myself as this ugly thing. This thing or person that wasn't worthy of love, compassion or caring. I was dark inside, a blackness had settled on my, I was stained and I would never be clean. Thats when I saw it, the verse above. And I looked for others. Verses that spoke about the unclean becoming white as snow, the stains, crimson stains, being washed away and all that was left was clean once more.
There was my hope. My light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I had been traveling in. I didn't even realize how dark it was, until I let the light back it. The feeling of being clean was beyound description. To no longer have to bear the load on my own. To carry a burden that for one was to heavy and two, never mine to bear alone. All along God was waiting for me to see this. To turn to Him, cry out to Him, and to ask. That was all, just to ask. That tiny little action of no longer thinking I was in control, but turning it over completely to Him.
Now if you have ever carried soemthing really heavy, you know that if someone comes along and helps, the load is lighter. Its easier to carry. Your not all alone. Thats what God did for me, and He also cleansed me from that which I thought I could never be clean from. He washed me in the blood of the Lamb, and I was white as snow. I was free from my sin and shame. My past was no longer in control of my present. God was! And it was easy once I just let go.
So now I can see myself as I see the outside. Washed white as snow. Clean, loved, cherished, forgiven. You can know this feeling to. You only need to accept Jesus into your heart. Let Him drive out the darkness and fill you with light. Let Him carry the burdens you have held onto for so long. Let Him wash you white as snow!
I am reminded of this verse as I watch the huge flakes of snow falling this morning. It Is so funny to think about what your world around you looks like, than on a snowy day, it all changes. It all looks beautiful. Everything is clean and new.
Well, when we except Jesus as our Savior, we to are washed white as snow. Its not just a one time thing, its daily. He cleanses us from all the sins that make us dark and ugly inside. We learn what real forgiveness means, and we can feel free from the burdens and chains that have kept us prisoner all out lives.
I know what its like to think that I could rid myself of that pain on my own. I tried unsuccessfuly to fill my life with other things. With business, people, and my ED. All these things would make me feel good for a moment, but than it was back again. That empty, lonely feeling that made me feel devastated each time.
I heard people say that I could control my own happiness just with my thinking. That I could change my destiny by thinking it better. Positive power, that's all I needed. Well I will tell you, I tried that to. Not that its bad to be positive, but it was just me than. Nothing else. You would need to only be concerned with you. That didn't work for me. I knew there was more, I could feel it in my heart, and I had been taught that there was. So I began to look. I began to earnestly seek.
Thats when I found my way back to God. I thought because of all that had happened, that He had left me somehow. That I had done something so awful, that He didn't want me as HIs child anymore. But I knew that not to be true. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. If I was feeling all this loneliness and emptiness, its because I chose to walk away from God, not the other way around. That is why I felt so alone.
I knew that I needed relationship with Him again. I began to read His word, go to church, not because church is the only place to find God, but because fellowship with other Christian's is important. I started talking to God again. Praying to Him throughout the day. Letting Him know what I was feeling and going through. Yes He already knows, but I believe that He wants us to come to Him, like a parent, and talk to Him about our life and what is happening.
I belive that God wants us to acknowledge the fact that without Him, we are alone even in a world full of others. He wants us to come to Him with our hurt, sorrow, anger, pain and joy. Everything we go through or feel, we can go to Him and He will listen and comfort us. He wants us to be happy, to live a good life and to let others know that they to can have what we have.
I'm afraid that I have not always been the best example of this. There have been times when I wasn't acting or living the way that God calls us to. Its not that I didn't want to live that way, its that , and this is in no way an excuse, I was so deep into my ED, that I couldn't see how it was affecting my ability to love others, to walk the way God had called me, and to use the gifts and talents He had given me to share with others.
This was so hard for me to realize. To know that I had chosen to put ED before God. That I was willing to walk away from that free gift that He offers to all, so I could be chained to my misery. To know that my choice was slowly killing me, my relationships with others and with God. I was dying, killing my internal organs and destroying the temple of God. Not what He has called me to do, but what I was chosing of my own free will.
Well, once I realized all of this, I cried out, first to God, than to my husband, and than to outside help, I was able to start down the path of healing. It wasn't easy and I could only see myself as this ugly thing. This thing or person that wasn't worthy of love, compassion or caring. I was dark inside, a blackness had settled on my, I was stained and I would never be clean. Thats when I saw it, the verse above. And I looked for others. Verses that spoke about the unclean becoming white as snow, the stains, crimson stains, being washed away and all that was left was clean once more.
There was my hope. My light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I had been traveling in. I didn't even realize how dark it was, until I let the light back it. The feeling of being clean was beyound description. To no longer have to bear the load on my own. To carry a burden that for one was to heavy and two, never mine to bear alone. All along God was waiting for me to see this. To turn to Him, cry out to Him, and to ask. That was all, just to ask. That tiny little action of no longer thinking I was in control, but turning it over completely to Him.
Now if you have ever carried soemthing really heavy, you know that if someone comes along and helps, the load is lighter. Its easier to carry. Your not all alone. Thats what God did for me, and He also cleansed me from that which I thought I could never be clean from. He washed me in the blood of the Lamb, and I was white as snow. I was free from my sin and shame. My past was no longer in control of my present. God was! And it was easy once I just let go.
So now I can see myself as I see the outside. Washed white as snow. Clean, loved, cherished, forgiven. You can know this feeling to. You only need to accept Jesus into your heart. Let Him drive out the darkness and fill you with light. Let Him carry the burdens you have held onto for so long. Let Him wash you white as snow!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Moving Forward
"Bretheren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead," Phillipians 3:13
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Daddy's Journey
The story I am about to tell is a long one. It is about the journey we took through my dads cancer. I wish I could say it has a happy ending, and in a way it does, but there is pain in between. I will be writing this in segments as it is long and I don't want to miss any details. I feel I need to tell it, to share it with others, if only to help them understand me or even life with cancer. My story isn't the be all end all, but I feel there is healing in the sharing.
I said the other day that I was on this side of my grief about the loss of my dad. Today I am going to write about that journey and some of what happened. I am not writing about it because I want sympathy or anything like that. I am writing about it because I want others to know that its ok to feel whatever your feeling when your life brings you into crisis. To know that everyone handles it differently and even though society might say that you must only handle it in a certain way, there is no right or wrong way as long as you aren't hurting someone else in the process.
A little over 2 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. To even find that out took quite some time as the doctors kept telling him that the pain in his side and they was he was feeling was just because of his diabetes being out of control. My dad told them that he had a dream and in his dream, God told him he had cancer. I think they may have though he was crazy and really didn't take him serious. They just kept running tests and treating his blood sugar which was slightly out of control at the time.
He called me every day and we talked about it. I felt very uncomfortable with the C word and so I wanted to believe what the Dr.'s were saying as well, but after 2 weeks of him calling me and saying how much he was hurting, I knew something else was up. I called a Dr. friend of mine and asked him if he would please see my dad. He agreed so we set up an appointment. Dad went in to see him and at first he concurred with the other Dr.'s, dads blood sugars were out of control and that could make you feel bad, but he agreed to run some tests.
That was on a Monday, by Thursday, dads pain was so bad he was in tears. He called me crying and so I called the Dr. and told him we need to do something else. Their plan was not working. So he asked me again what dad was feeling. I explained that he was having extreme pain in his upper right quadrant right under his rib cage. The Dr. agreed to send dad in for a cat scan to see if they could figure it out. He suspected that dad might be having a gallbladder attack.
I had to work that day and I was way out of town. I was in an area that had no phone service unless you drove to the top of a hill. I made my mom promise to send me a text when they got done with the CT. Of course, it never came through. I could get messages on facebook because we had internet service and later that day my sister sent me a message asking had I heard about dad and to call her right away. This did not sound good.
I drove to the top of the hill, never suspecting what I was about to hear. When I finally got service, I called my sister. She was in tears so I knew something was up. All she could get out was that they told dad he had cancer. I felt like someone had punched me right in the gut. I felt like I couldn't breath and that I needed to throw up all at the same time. I told her no, they are mistaken, it wasn't true. Right about that time I look up and see my husbands truck barreling down the dirt road, headed straight to where I was. Any hope I had that it was some type of misunderstanding on my sisters part flew out the door.
My husband got out of the truck and told me gently to get off of the phone. I was already in tears. I told my sister that I loved her and that I would call her back. That's when reality hit like a ton of bricks. My husband confirmed my worst nightmare, daddy had cancer, they had seen it on the CT. At that point I lost it, I started crying and screaming. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me sob. He spoke quietly to me and finally got me to calm down.
He told me that I needed to get it together because my dad was asking for me and I would need to drive back into town. My youngest son was with my husband and he said that he could drive if I was to upset. I said no that I would be ok to drive. I pulled it together enough to get into my car. The drive home was less than safe and looking back, I regret that I didn't just let my son drive. I cried so hard at times I couldn't see where I was going. I kept thinking to myself that the machine was wrong, it was picking up something else, but my gut told me different.
I believe that day my 34 minute drive back to town may have taken me 20. I drove at a reckless speed and even though my rational brain kept telling me to slow down, my heart couldn't get me there fast enough. I drove straight to my dads house. I walked up the stairs to the living room and, one look at his face said it all. It was true, and it wasn't good. I fell into his arms and began to sob. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that we were going to beat this. He just cried quietly and didn't say a word.
My strong daddy, the one who was always there when I needed him, now needed me more than ever. I had no idea that day, the challenges and heartbreak we were going to face. I only knew that my dad needed me, and I was not going to let him down. I knew there were going to be many things we were going to need to face along this journey, and that he was going to need me to be strong. I also knew that my strength was not going to come from myself because this was one journey I was not prepared to make.
The first part of the journey required us to meet with the oncologist. We had to wait until he had an appointment available in Lamar so dad wouldn't have to travel. He came to Lamar and went over what the process was going to be. It was going to begin with us making a trip to Colorado Springs so they could do a P.E.T. scan so they could see exactly where the cancer was, and which organs were involved. The results of this scan would determine what the course of treatment daddy would need.
The results of his scan were not what we expected. The cancer was not just in his lung as we first expected, but had spread into his liver and some lymph nodes. They needed to do a biopsy to determine where the cancer had started and what kind it was. This would help them decide what treatment would be best. They scheduled the biopsy. Another trip to Colorado Springs would be necessary.
We were all praying hard and very nervous as the day arrived. This day would tell us what we were truly facing. We all hoped for the best as they called daddy's name and then wheeled him away for the procedure. We all waited in the family waiting room. The mood was somber and we all prayed for a safe procedure. After an hour they came out to tell us dad was in recovery.
When we were finally able to see him, he looked a little rough. Of course who wouldn't after being put under and having someone cut them open? He was in good spirits though. That was promising. The doctor let us know they would have the results soon, but from what she could see, it looked like small cell. This was the worst case scenario. Small cell could not be cured, but she said it could be treated. The treatment would allow dad to have more time.
WHen we got the official results, and we were told it was small cell, we all cried. This meant that dady would have at most, 12-18 months, at the least, 8 months. But we refused to get down and we decided right than and there, we were going to fight this. We were going to give it everything we had and stand by dad's side through it all.
We met with the Dr. again so that he could lay out the treatment plan. The plan would mean daddy would have to do chemo. I'll be honest, dad told me that this scared him, not the prospect of dying, but the fear he had of the pain he would be in. He didn't take pain well. He was told he would have to have surgery to put a port in so that they could do all of his treatments. The chemo you see is harsh and they needed to have a way to keep a line open for the duration of treatment. It was going to consist of 6, 3 day treatmets.
It was going to be a long road but we knew it was going to be ok. We had God on our side and with Him, we would have the strength. Dad's faith was strong and he said he was leaning on Him. He was always so strong in his faith but this time, he drew even closer to God. He was truly a man of God.
So we endured the treatments. I would go to all his treatments with my mom. Dad would laugh and joke sometimes, but the most wonderful thing I saw was as my dad talked to others who were in for treatments. He would share his faith with them. He would talk to them about how God wants them to know that He loves them. It was so amazing to see that even in his struggle, his loving, caring nature was still there.
We made it through the treatments right before Thanksgiving. It was a sweet holiday season that year. All of us, my sisters and my brother, got together and planned Christmas that year. We all went to my sister Deanna's house and cooked and ate dinner together. It was so wonderful. Daddy was so happy. We were able to get a family portrait done but there were a few missing. It was so much fun. It was a little hard because right before Christmas, they did propholactic radiation.
The radiation caused dad to lose all his hair and even though they made him a mask, he was still burnt. They wanted to do the radiation as a precaution because this typr of cancer would easily go to the brain and cause tumors. It was really hard on dad I think. He cried and he said afterwards, he would never do radiation again. It broke my heart to see my dad cry. He was a strong man so seeing him cry was hard.
In the end of March 2014, I began to notice some changes in my dad that concerned me. He was repeating himself when we were talking and at times, he couldn't seem to remember what he was trying to say. In early April when I was down on my regular weekend visit, I noticed dad was dragging his feet when he walked. I told him to pick up his feet when he walked. He didn't realize he was shuffling his feet.
I told my mom I was concened so I called his oncologist. I told him about dad's inablility to remeber words at times, repeating what he said and the shuffling of his feet. The Dr. agreed that this was a concern. The ordered a cat scan for dad. That is when they found that his cancer had spread. They wanted him to start chemo again right away. They said the sooner he started, the better the chances of it shrinking again. Dad asked how much time this would give him?
The Dr.'s said they weren't sure but they felt it could at least give him at least 6 more months. Dad was unsure whether he wanted to do this and he asked my opinion. I told him I felt it would be the best choice for him to do the treatment. He said he wanted to talk to my sisters and brother before he decided. He called me a few days later to tell me that he decided not to. I was devestated and I really wanted to beg him to take the treatment, but I respected his decision.
A couple weeks later, in the late afternoon, my mom called me at work. I didn't normaly answer my phone at work and she didn't ever call me there, so I knew right away something was wrong. My mom was crying and she told me that my dad had fallen and that she couldn't get him up. She had to call the ambulance to come and get him. I went straight to my boss and told him I needed to leave, my dad & mom needed me.
I called my husband, ran home and packed, and headed straight to Lamar. When I got there, I was so shocked. My big strong daddy was laying in a hospital bed looking weak and tired. I had to fight with everything in me not to cry. I needed to be strong for him. Daddy could not walk at this point. His legs just weren't working. The Dr.'s weren't sure what was going on. By the next morning, they decided to let him go home. He couldn't even walk. I discussed this with my mom and than called my dad's oncologist. They felt it best to bring dad up to Colorado Springs so that they could figure out what was happening.
I called my bother and sisters and let them know I was driving dad up there. They all agreed to meet us there. My aunt Mary was going to fly out to Colorado because she was very concerned. ONce there we were told that they would do some testing to try to figure out what was going on. They told us that the found a tumor at the base of his brain. They said that they wanted to treat it with radiation again. Dad needed to decide what he wanted to do.
All of his family rallied around him and we told him that we would support him in whatever he wanted to do. He decided to do the treatment. We were all there with him as he made that trip for treatment. It was a pin point treatment to just the area with the tumor. They said that this would shrink it right up. We than had to make decisions and plans to take dad home. They said that dad could go home as long as he was able to walk down the hallway, the steps and back to his room. I had stayed at the hospital with my mom and dad and I knew that it would take a miracle for that to happen.
My mom, dad and I said a prayer, we prayed that dad would be able to do what they required. He did, and they let him know he could go home once we had everything in place for him at home. Hospice was set up to come in and assist with dad's care and his bedroom was set up for his return. The next day, my dad an mom made the trip home. He was so excited to be going home. He couldn't wait to get home to his own bed.
Dad got home and settled in. He was very happy to be home. My aunt Mary went with them to help my mom. I had to go back to work but promised I would be down that weekend. I got down that weekend and my dad was very happy. We talked for a long time about things. He was glad that he had moved to Lamar and he said that he really wanted to marry my mom again. I called the minister so that we could plan it. My aunt Mary and I helped them get ready.
Dad couldn't get out of bed at this point but he was so happy. He really felt like he was making things right. You see, my parents had been divorced for 43 years at this point. My mom was happy as well. My aunt Mary and I cried through the ceremony, well so did my dad. They said their vows and kissed. I headed back home the next day so I could get ready for the new work week.
That next week I spoke to my dad everyday on the phone. On Friday morning I was up very early. I was drinking coffee when my phone rang. My mom was on the other line and said, "Carrie," with tears in her voice. I asked her what was wrong. She said my dad wanted to talk to me. My dad got on the phone and told me, "Carrie, I want to go home." I said, "dad, you are home what do you mean?" He said, "you know what I mean." I began to cry and told him hang on, I was on my way.
I immediately called my boss to tell them I had to go. My dad was going to pass. I rushed to pack, called my husband who was at work, all with tears streaming down my face. I stopped and put gas and headed straight for Lamar. I got there in record time I'm sure. Dad said he had been seeing the angels and he had talked to his mother that morning. Grandma, his mother, had passed 6 years prior. He also told me that Jesus was there waiting for him.
My sister Angela was there that afternoon. We stayed with dad late into the night. Finally my sister and I went to bed. We slept in a kingsize bed downstairs together so we could be close by in case my mom needed us. I got up through out the night to check on him. I could tell by his breathing that he was getting close. The next morning when we got up, dad was bearly speaking. We called my brother and sister and nephew so that dad could talk to them all. We also called his sisters. It was hard watching and hearing him say goodbye. I didn't want to believe it was real.
I called the hospice nurse because dad was beginning to have pain. They came by and check on dad. They told us than that it could be days or hours. It was just up to dad at that point. They left and I monitored dad throughout the day. Late that afternoon I noticed a change in his breathing. That's when I called the hospice nurse back again. She said that I was right and that dad was probably going to pass that night. I was torn between the promise I made dad to stay by his side until he passed, and my strong desire not to be there when he passed.
My mom, sister and nieces had gone upstairs to eat dinner. I told them I would stay with dad whhile they did. The nurse and I where sitting on the bed. I saw the change and knew dad was passing at that very moment. I was holding his hand and just asked the nurse if I should get my mom. She was replying when dad breathed his last. He was gone. I was stunned. I jumped up off the bed and ran up the stairs crying to tell my mom he was gone. They, my mom, sister and nieces, all ran down the stairs. I could hear them all sobbing but couldn't bring myself to go down with them.
I called everyone I could think of, my husband, aunts and my friend Jen. After crying my eyes out, I went downstairs again. I knew we needed to call the minister and the funeral home. I helped the nurse to prepare my daddy so they could take him. It was the last act of love I could preform for him. We washed his body and got him ready for them to come and take him. They took my dad away after we all had a chance to say goodbye. Dad had already arranged everything with the funeral home so we wouldn't have to do anything.
The next day we went down and made arrangements. He had decided to be cremated so we had to chose what box we wanted. We picked his funeral cards and made the funeral arrangements. It was a small service because many of dad's family and friends had already passed. It was so special though. All the people who really loved dad were there. My sister and I got up and gave his ulogy. We played the songs dad had picked. We cried and loved eachother. It was one of the hardest days of my life.
For our final farewell, we released balloons in dad's favorite colors. We all stood outside of the church and watched them as they climbed up and out of site. It was bittersweet. We knew dad was no longer in pain, but there was now a hole in our hearts where he once was. It was going to take time, but I knew eventually, we would heal. My daddy was the greatest man I ever knew. I miss him deeply and I know that someday, I will see him again.
I said the other day that I was on this side of my grief about the loss of my dad. Today I am going to write about that journey and some of what happened. I am not writing about it because I want sympathy or anything like that. I am writing about it because I want others to know that its ok to feel whatever your feeling when your life brings you into crisis. To know that everyone handles it differently and even though society might say that you must only handle it in a certain way, there is no right or wrong way as long as you aren't hurting someone else in the process.
A little over 2 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. To even find that out took quite some time as the doctors kept telling him that the pain in his side and they was he was feeling was just because of his diabetes being out of control. My dad told them that he had a dream and in his dream, God told him he had cancer. I think they may have though he was crazy and really didn't take him serious. They just kept running tests and treating his blood sugar which was slightly out of control at the time.
He called me every day and we talked about it. I felt very uncomfortable with the C word and so I wanted to believe what the Dr.'s were saying as well, but after 2 weeks of him calling me and saying how much he was hurting, I knew something else was up. I called a Dr. friend of mine and asked him if he would please see my dad. He agreed so we set up an appointment. Dad went in to see him and at first he concurred with the other Dr.'s, dads blood sugars were out of control and that could make you feel bad, but he agreed to run some tests.
That was on a Monday, by Thursday, dads pain was so bad he was in tears. He called me crying and so I called the Dr. and told him we need to do something else. Their plan was not working. So he asked me again what dad was feeling. I explained that he was having extreme pain in his upper right quadrant right under his rib cage. The Dr. agreed to send dad in for a cat scan to see if they could figure it out. He suspected that dad might be having a gallbladder attack.
I had to work that day and I was way out of town. I was in an area that had no phone service unless you drove to the top of a hill. I made my mom promise to send me a text when they got done with the CT. Of course, it never came through. I could get messages on facebook because we had internet service and later that day my sister sent me a message asking had I heard about dad and to call her right away. This did not sound good.
I drove to the top of the hill, never suspecting what I was about to hear. When I finally got service, I called my sister. She was in tears so I knew something was up. All she could get out was that they told dad he had cancer. I felt like someone had punched me right in the gut. I felt like I couldn't breath and that I needed to throw up all at the same time. I told her no, they are mistaken, it wasn't true. Right about that time I look up and see my husbands truck barreling down the dirt road, headed straight to where I was. Any hope I had that it was some type of misunderstanding on my sisters part flew out the door.
My husband got out of the truck and told me gently to get off of the phone. I was already in tears. I told my sister that I loved her and that I would call her back. That's when reality hit like a ton of bricks. My husband confirmed my worst nightmare, daddy had cancer, they had seen it on the CT. At that point I lost it, I started crying and screaming. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me sob. He spoke quietly to me and finally got me to calm down.
He told me that I needed to get it together because my dad was asking for me and I would need to drive back into town. My youngest son was with my husband and he said that he could drive if I was to upset. I said no that I would be ok to drive. I pulled it together enough to get into my car. The drive home was less than safe and looking back, I regret that I didn't just let my son drive. I cried so hard at times I couldn't see where I was going. I kept thinking to myself that the machine was wrong, it was picking up something else, but my gut told me different.
I believe that day my 34 minute drive back to town may have taken me 20. I drove at a reckless speed and even though my rational brain kept telling me to slow down, my heart couldn't get me there fast enough. I drove straight to my dads house. I walked up the stairs to the living room and, one look at his face said it all. It was true, and it wasn't good. I fell into his arms and began to sob. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that we were going to beat this. He just cried quietly and didn't say a word.
My strong daddy, the one who was always there when I needed him, now needed me more than ever. I had no idea that day, the challenges and heartbreak we were going to face. I only knew that my dad needed me, and I was not going to let him down. I knew there were going to be many things we were going to need to face along this journey, and that he was going to need me to be strong. I also knew that my strength was not going to come from myself because this was one journey I was not prepared to make.
The first part of the journey required us to meet with the oncologist. We had to wait until he had an appointment available in Lamar so dad wouldn't have to travel. He came to Lamar and went over what the process was going to be. It was going to begin with us making a trip to Colorado Springs so they could do a P.E.T. scan so they could see exactly where the cancer was, and which organs were involved. The results of this scan would determine what the course of treatment daddy would need.
The results of his scan were not what we expected. The cancer was not just in his lung as we first expected, but had spread into his liver and some lymph nodes. They needed to do a biopsy to determine where the cancer had started and what kind it was. This would help them decide what treatment would be best. They scheduled the biopsy. Another trip to Colorado Springs would be necessary.
We were all praying hard and very nervous as the day arrived. This day would tell us what we were truly facing. We all hoped for the best as they called daddy's name and then wheeled him away for the procedure. We all waited in the family waiting room. The mood was somber and we all prayed for a safe procedure. After an hour they came out to tell us dad was in recovery.
When we were finally able to see him, he looked a little rough. Of course who wouldn't after being put under and having someone cut them open? He was in good spirits though. That was promising. The doctor let us know they would have the results soon, but from what she could see, it looked like small cell. This was the worst case scenario. Small cell could not be cured, but she said it could be treated. The treatment would allow dad to have more time.
WHen we got the official results, and we were told it was small cell, we all cried. This meant that dady would have at most, 12-18 months, at the least, 8 months. But we refused to get down and we decided right than and there, we were going to fight this. We were going to give it everything we had and stand by dad's side through it all.
We met with the Dr. again so that he could lay out the treatment plan. The plan would mean daddy would have to do chemo. I'll be honest, dad told me that this scared him, not the prospect of dying, but the fear he had of the pain he would be in. He didn't take pain well. He was told he would have to have surgery to put a port in so that they could do all of his treatments. The chemo you see is harsh and they needed to have a way to keep a line open for the duration of treatment. It was going to consist of 6, 3 day treatmets.
It was going to be a long road but we knew it was going to be ok. We had God on our side and with Him, we would have the strength. Dad's faith was strong and he said he was leaning on Him. He was always so strong in his faith but this time, he drew even closer to God. He was truly a man of God.
So we endured the treatments. I would go to all his treatments with my mom. Dad would laugh and joke sometimes, but the most wonderful thing I saw was as my dad talked to others who were in for treatments. He would share his faith with them. He would talk to them about how God wants them to know that He loves them. It was so amazing to see that even in his struggle, his loving, caring nature was still there.
We made it through the treatments right before Thanksgiving. It was a sweet holiday season that year. All of us, my sisters and my brother, got together and planned Christmas that year. We all went to my sister Deanna's house and cooked and ate dinner together. It was so wonderful. Daddy was so happy. We were able to get a family portrait done but there were a few missing. It was so much fun. It was a little hard because right before Christmas, they did propholactic radiation.
The radiation caused dad to lose all his hair and even though they made him a mask, he was still burnt. They wanted to do the radiation as a precaution because this typr of cancer would easily go to the brain and cause tumors. It was really hard on dad I think. He cried and he said afterwards, he would never do radiation again. It broke my heart to see my dad cry. He was a strong man so seeing him cry was hard.
In the end of March 2014, I began to notice some changes in my dad that concerned me. He was repeating himself when we were talking and at times, he couldn't seem to remember what he was trying to say. In early April when I was down on my regular weekend visit, I noticed dad was dragging his feet when he walked. I told him to pick up his feet when he walked. He didn't realize he was shuffling his feet.
I told my mom I was concened so I called his oncologist. I told him about dad's inablility to remeber words at times, repeating what he said and the shuffling of his feet. The Dr. agreed that this was a concern. The ordered a cat scan for dad. That is when they found that his cancer had spread. They wanted him to start chemo again right away. They said the sooner he started, the better the chances of it shrinking again. Dad asked how much time this would give him?
The Dr.'s said they weren't sure but they felt it could at least give him at least 6 more months. Dad was unsure whether he wanted to do this and he asked my opinion. I told him I felt it would be the best choice for him to do the treatment. He said he wanted to talk to my sisters and brother before he decided. He called me a few days later to tell me that he decided not to. I was devestated and I really wanted to beg him to take the treatment, but I respected his decision.
A couple weeks later, in the late afternoon, my mom called me at work. I didn't normaly answer my phone at work and she didn't ever call me there, so I knew right away something was wrong. My mom was crying and she told me that my dad had fallen and that she couldn't get him up. She had to call the ambulance to come and get him. I went straight to my boss and told him I needed to leave, my dad & mom needed me.
I called my husband, ran home and packed, and headed straight to Lamar. When I got there, I was so shocked. My big strong daddy was laying in a hospital bed looking weak and tired. I had to fight with everything in me not to cry. I needed to be strong for him. Daddy could not walk at this point. His legs just weren't working. The Dr.'s weren't sure what was going on. By the next morning, they decided to let him go home. He couldn't even walk. I discussed this with my mom and than called my dad's oncologist. They felt it best to bring dad up to Colorado Springs so that they could figure out what was happening.
I called my bother and sisters and let them know I was driving dad up there. They all agreed to meet us there. My aunt Mary was going to fly out to Colorado because she was very concerned. ONce there we were told that they would do some testing to try to figure out what was going on. They told us that the found a tumor at the base of his brain. They said that they wanted to treat it with radiation again. Dad needed to decide what he wanted to do.
All of his family rallied around him and we told him that we would support him in whatever he wanted to do. He decided to do the treatment. We were all there with him as he made that trip for treatment. It was a pin point treatment to just the area with the tumor. They said that this would shrink it right up. We than had to make decisions and plans to take dad home. They said that dad could go home as long as he was able to walk down the hallway, the steps and back to his room. I had stayed at the hospital with my mom and dad and I knew that it would take a miracle for that to happen.
My mom, dad and I said a prayer, we prayed that dad would be able to do what they required. He did, and they let him know he could go home once we had everything in place for him at home. Hospice was set up to come in and assist with dad's care and his bedroom was set up for his return. The next day, my dad an mom made the trip home. He was so excited to be going home. He couldn't wait to get home to his own bed.
Dad got home and settled in. He was very happy to be home. My aunt Mary went with them to help my mom. I had to go back to work but promised I would be down that weekend. I got down that weekend and my dad was very happy. We talked for a long time about things. He was glad that he had moved to Lamar and he said that he really wanted to marry my mom again. I called the minister so that we could plan it. My aunt Mary and I helped them get ready.
Dad couldn't get out of bed at this point but he was so happy. He really felt like he was making things right. You see, my parents had been divorced for 43 years at this point. My mom was happy as well. My aunt Mary and I cried through the ceremony, well so did my dad. They said their vows and kissed. I headed back home the next day so I could get ready for the new work week.
That next week I spoke to my dad everyday on the phone. On Friday morning I was up very early. I was drinking coffee when my phone rang. My mom was on the other line and said, "Carrie," with tears in her voice. I asked her what was wrong. She said my dad wanted to talk to me. My dad got on the phone and told me, "Carrie, I want to go home." I said, "dad, you are home what do you mean?" He said, "you know what I mean." I began to cry and told him hang on, I was on my way.
I immediately called my boss to tell them I had to go. My dad was going to pass. I rushed to pack, called my husband who was at work, all with tears streaming down my face. I stopped and put gas and headed straight for Lamar. I got there in record time I'm sure. Dad said he had been seeing the angels and he had talked to his mother that morning. Grandma, his mother, had passed 6 years prior. He also told me that Jesus was there waiting for him.
My sister Angela was there that afternoon. We stayed with dad late into the night. Finally my sister and I went to bed. We slept in a kingsize bed downstairs together so we could be close by in case my mom needed us. I got up through out the night to check on him. I could tell by his breathing that he was getting close. The next morning when we got up, dad was bearly speaking. We called my brother and sister and nephew so that dad could talk to them all. We also called his sisters. It was hard watching and hearing him say goodbye. I didn't want to believe it was real.
I called the hospice nurse because dad was beginning to have pain. They came by and check on dad. They told us than that it could be days or hours. It was just up to dad at that point. They left and I monitored dad throughout the day. Late that afternoon I noticed a change in his breathing. That's when I called the hospice nurse back again. She said that I was right and that dad was probably going to pass that night. I was torn between the promise I made dad to stay by his side until he passed, and my strong desire not to be there when he passed.
My mom, sister and nieces had gone upstairs to eat dinner. I told them I would stay with dad whhile they did. The nurse and I where sitting on the bed. I saw the change and knew dad was passing at that very moment. I was holding his hand and just asked the nurse if I should get my mom. She was replying when dad breathed his last. He was gone. I was stunned. I jumped up off the bed and ran up the stairs crying to tell my mom he was gone. They, my mom, sister and nieces, all ran down the stairs. I could hear them all sobbing but couldn't bring myself to go down with them.
I called everyone I could think of, my husband, aunts and my friend Jen. After crying my eyes out, I went downstairs again. I knew we needed to call the minister and the funeral home. I helped the nurse to prepare my daddy so they could take him. It was the last act of love I could preform for him. We washed his body and got him ready for them to come and take him. They took my dad away after we all had a chance to say goodbye. Dad had already arranged everything with the funeral home so we wouldn't have to do anything.
The next day we went down and made arrangements. He had decided to be cremated so we had to chose what box we wanted. We picked his funeral cards and made the funeral arrangements. It was a small service because many of dad's family and friends had already passed. It was so special though. All the people who really loved dad were there. My sister and I got up and gave his ulogy. We played the songs dad had picked. We cried and loved eachother. It was one of the hardest days of my life.
For our final farewell, we released balloons in dad's favorite colors. We all stood outside of the church and watched them as they climbed up and out of site. It was bittersweet. We knew dad was no longer in pain, but there was now a hole in our hearts where he once was. It was going to take time, but I knew eventually, we would heal. My daddy was the greatest man I ever knew. I miss him deeply and I know that someday, I will see him again.
Morning
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23.
I love the morning, Its my favorite time of the day. Its quiet, everyone in the house is asleep, and I am the only one up. I get to spend time reading God's word and relaxing. I drink my coffee, and weather permitting, sit outside and watch the sun come up. The hues of the changing sunrise always amaze me. They are never the same but yet somehow, always just as beautiful.
Sometimes I get up to snow or rain, fog or cloudy days. On these days there isn't the sunrise I always look forward to. Its almost a disappointment, but than I remember that this is why I love the sunrises so much. Because each sunrise brings a new day and moves us through the seasons. Each day is never the same but each morning, sunrise visible or not, brings me a new day. So when I get to see another sunrise, its like the day I didn't was never there.
I think that is how God's love is. Never the same, but always there. He loves us all differently ever day. And no matter what sin we may have committed, He continues to forgive it and love us just like it was never there. I am so glad that He loves me and has mercy towards me.
I hope everyone knows that this is the kind of love that they deserve. That it is a kind of love that only God can give to each and every one of us no matter what we have done or who we are.
I love the morning, Its my favorite time of the day. Its quiet, everyone in the house is asleep, and I am the only one up. I get to spend time reading God's word and relaxing. I drink my coffee, and weather permitting, sit outside and watch the sun come up. The hues of the changing sunrise always amaze me. They are never the same but yet somehow, always just as beautiful.
Sometimes I get up to snow or rain, fog or cloudy days. On these days there isn't the sunrise I always look forward to. Its almost a disappointment, but than I remember that this is why I love the sunrises so much. Because each sunrise brings a new day and moves us through the seasons. Each day is never the same but each morning, sunrise visible or not, brings me a new day. So when I get to see another sunrise, its like the day I didn't was never there.
I think that is how God's love is. Never the same, but always there. He loves us all differently ever day. And no matter what sin we may have committed, He continues to forgive it and love us just like it was never there. I am so glad that He loves me and has mercy towards me.
I hope everyone knows that this is the kind of love that they deserve. That it is a kind of love that only God can give to each and every one of us no matter what we have done or who we are.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
A new year
"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of Your wonders." Psalms 9:1
So, we find ourselves in a new year. 2015. It came in this year without our usual fanfare. We usually have a get together with our kids and ring in the New Year with sparkling cider as we watch the ball drop in New York. Not this year. This year I was asleep by 9:30. I did wake up at midnight when all the people in the neighborhood started lighting off fireworks. But it wasn't the same.
I struggled through the holidays this past year after the loss of my father. It was really hard to celebrate or even feel festive. I did manage to get my tree up and decorated. I went through the motions and it was a first for me because I had all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve this year. Not my norm.
Christmas was nice. We had our oldest son and his family over, opened presents and ate together. I didn't cry until later. I just felt that emptiness in my heart where my dad was. It was the same for my birthday. He was always the first to call me for my birthday and all holidays. Not this year. It was hard. I was struggling with sadness.
I realized after the holidays were over that something needed to change. I needed to get God back into my life in a more profound way. I needed to be more thankful for all of the things that I do have in my life and stop focusing on all the things I didn't. It wasn't going to be easy by any means, but I knew that I, with the help of God, could regain that strength and inner peace.
With a renewed energy, I began to actively seek God again, I began to read His word daily and to ask questions, and look for the answers. To focus on the things I have. I felt different. It felt like something changed inside of me. That sadness wasn't as strong. I felt like something had shifted. That emptiness was no longer there. It had been filled. And there wasn't that inner struggle I have had for years. That to had shifted. I no longer needed to turn to ED to deal with my problems. I was able to turn to God, to pray and to meditate on His word. The emptiness somehow seems smaller, like its being filled.
He was waiting in the wings while I was stubborn and tried, and failed, once again to do it my way. I didn't really think that God wanted to be bothered with my sadness. I mean, there are way more important things in life than me and my problems, right? And that is when I realized how wrong I was. I was limiting God to a small box. One dedicated only to what I deemed important issues. That isn't who He is though.
God is concerned with all of His people. He isn't like a human being who is limited to what they can see, hear and do. He is BIG. Bigger than anything we could ever imagine. He is everywhere all the time and He cares. This doesn't mean that bad things can't happen, I know this because in my studies I read that we have free will. That means that we get to make our own decisions, and sometimes those lead us into bad places. The thing I have to remember is that even in those places, He is still there. I just need to learn to lean on Him.
I am learning that the places I have been in the past year have really shaped me into a different person. I find that I am slower to get angry, my feelings aren't so over emotional. I am less judgmental about myself. I see a different person when I look in the mirror. A person that I like, who is beautiful, kind, compassionate, faithful, honest, trustworthy. A child of God. One He created in His own image. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.
With help, I have looked back at my life and seen the storms that I have survived. Storms that could have destroyed me. Things that would make others cringe in fear. I survived, scarred, battered and bruised, but alive and stronger for it. The healing hand of God made sure of that. And I have been deeply blessed. God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life. I have met so many people, people whose stories have touched me, or people who I have been able to help, and all because of my own experiences.
I am thankful for those experiences for they have given me a glimpse into an imperfect world. They allow me to have compassion on people that others may not even give a second glance to. They have allowed me to be more thankful for the people I am honored to have in my life. I am truly blessed and even in the dark times, God was right there, holding me, comforting me, loving me, He just was waiting for me to turn to Him. So now I shout with joy that my God, your God, the God of the Universe, He loves you, all of you. Every single part of you. He is just waiting. His love is AMAZING. He is Amazing. What are you waiting for?
So, we find ourselves in a new year. 2015. It came in this year without our usual fanfare. We usually have a get together with our kids and ring in the New Year with sparkling cider as we watch the ball drop in New York. Not this year. This year I was asleep by 9:30. I did wake up at midnight when all the people in the neighborhood started lighting off fireworks. But it wasn't the same.
I struggled through the holidays this past year after the loss of my father. It was really hard to celebrate or even feel festive. I did manage to get my tree up and decorated. I went through the motions and it was a first for me because I had all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve this year. Not my norm.
Christmas was nice. We had our oldest son and his family over, opened presents and ate together. I didn't cry until later. I just felt that emptiness in my heart where my dad was. It was the same for my birthday. He was always the first to call me for my birthday and all holidays. Not this year. It was hard. I was struggling with sadness.
I realized after the holidays were over that something needed to change. I needed to get God back into my life in a more profound way. I needed to be more thankful for all of the things that I do have in my life and stop focusing on all the things I didn't. It wasn't going to be easy by any means, but I knew that I, with the help of God, could regain that strength and inner peace.
With a renewed energy, I began to actively seek God again, I began to read His word daily and to ask questions, and look for the answers. To focus on the things I have. I felt different. It felt like something changed inside of me. That sadness wasn't as strong. I felt like something had shifted. That emptiness was no longer there. It had been filled. And there wasn't that inner struggle I have had for years. That to had shifted. I no longer needed to turn to ED to deal with my problems. I was able to turn to God, to pray and to meditate on His word. The emptiness somehow seems smaller, like its being filled.
He was waiting in the wings while I was stubborn and tried, and failed, once again to do it my way. I didn't really think that God wanted to be bothered with my sadness. I mean, there are way more important things in life than me and my problems, right? And that is when I realized how wrong I was. I was limiting God to a small box. One dedicated only to what I deemed important issues. That isn't who He is though.
God is concerned with all of His people. He isn't like a human being who is limited to what they can see, hear and do. He is BIG. Bigger than anything we could ever imagine. He is everywhere all the time and He cares. This doesn't mean that bad things can't happen, I know this because in my studies I read that we have free will. That means that we get to make our own decisions, and sometimes those lead us into bad places. The thing I have to remember is that even in those places, He is still there. I just need to learn to lean on Him.
I am learning that the places I have been in the past year have really shaped me into a different person. I find that I am slower to get angry, my feelings aren't so over emotional. I am less judgmental about myself. I see a different person when I look in the mirror. A person that I like, who is beautiful, kind, compassionate, faithful, honest, trustworthy. A child of God. One He created in His own image. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.
With help, I have looked back at my life and seen the storms that I have survived. Storms that could have destroyed me. Things that would make others cringe in fear. I survived, scarred, battered and bruised, but alive and stronger for it. The healing hand of God made sure of that. And I have been deeply blessed. God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life. I have met so many people, people whose stories have touched me, or people who I have been able to help, and all because of my own experiences.
I am thankful for those experiences for they have given me a glimpse into an imperfect world. They allow me to have compassion on people that others may not even give a second glance to. They have allowed me to be more thankful for the people I am honored to have in my life. I am truly blessed and even in the dark times, God was right there, holding me, comforting me, loving me, He just was waiting for me to turn to Him. So now I shout with joy that my God, your God, the God of the Universe, He loves you, all of you. Every single part of you. He is just waiting. His love is AMAZING. He is Amazing. What are you waiting for?
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