A new year

"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of Your wonders." Psalms 9:1


     So, we find ourselves in a new year. 2015. It came in this year without our usual fanfare. We usually have a get together with our kids and ring in the New Year with sparkling cider as we watch the ball drop in New York. Not this year. This year I was asleep by 9:30. I did wake up at midnight when all the people in the neighborhood started lighting off fireworks. But it wasn't the same.

     I struggled through the holidays this past year after the loss of my father. It was really hard to celebrate or even feel festive. I did manage to get my tree up and decorated. I went through the motions and it was a first for me because I had all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve this year. Not my norm.

     Christmas was nice. We had our oldest son and his family over, opened presents and ate together. I didn't cry until later. I just felt that emptiness in my heart where my dad was. It was the same for my birthday. He was always the first to call me for my birthday and all holidays. Not this year. It was hard. I was struggling with sadness.

     I realized after the holidays were over that something needed to change. I needed to get God back into my life in a more profound way. I needed to be more thankful for all of the things that I do have in my life and stop focusing on all the things I didn't. It wasn't going to be easy by any means, but I knew that I, with the help of God, could regain that strength and inner peace.

     With a renewed energy, I began to actively seek God again, I began to read His word daily and to ask questions, and look for the answers. To focus on the things I have. I felt different. It felt like something changed inside of me. That sadness wasn't as strong. I felt like something had shifted. That emptiness was no longer there. It had been filled. And there wasn't that inner struggle I have had for years. That to had shifted. I no longer needed to turn to ED to deal with my problems. I was able to turn to God, to pray and to meditate on His word. The emptiness somehow seems smaller, like its being filled.

     He was waiting in the wings while I was stubborn and tried, and failed, once again to do it my way. I didn't really think that God wanted to be bothered with my sadness. I mean, there are way more important things in life than me and my problems, right? And that is when I realized how wrong I was. I was limiting God to a small box. One dedicated only to what I deemed important issues.  That isn't who He is though.

     God is concerned with all of His people. He isn't like a human being who is limited to what they can see, hear and do. He is BIG. Bigger than anything we could ever imagine. He is everywhere all the time and He cares. This doesn't mean that bad things can't happen, I know this because in my studies I read that we have free will. That means that we get to make our own decisions, and sometimes those lead us into bad places. The thing I have to remember is that even in those places, He is still there. I just need to learn to lean on Him.

     I am learning that the places I have been in the past year have really shaped me into a different person. I find that I am slower to get angry, my feelings aren't so over emotional. I am less judgmental about myself. I see a different person when I look in the mirror. A person that I like, who is beautiful, kind, compassionate, faithful, honest, trustworthy. A child of God. One He created in His own image. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.

     With help, I have looked back at my life and seen the storms that I have survived. Storms that could have destroyed me. Things that would make others cringe in fear. I survived, scarred, battered and bruised, but alive and stronger for it. The healing hand of God made sure of that. And I have been deeply blessed. God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life. I have met so many people, people whose stories have touched me, or people who I have been able to help, and all because of my own experiences.

     I am thankful for those experiences for they have given me a glimpse into an imperfect world. They allow me to have compassion on people that others may not even give a second glance to. They have allowed me to be more thankful for the people I am honored to have in my life. I am truly blessed and even in the dark times, God was right there, holding me, comforting me, loving me, He just was waiting for me to turn to Him. So now I shout with joy that my God, your God, the God of the Universe, He loves you, all of you. Every single part of you. He is just waiting. His love is AMAZING. He is Amazing. What are you waiting for?