Daddy's Journey

     The story I am about to tell is a long one. It is about the journey we took through my dads cancer. I wish I could say it has a happy ending, and in a way it does, but there is pain in between. I will be writing this in segments as it is long and I don't want to miss any details. I feel I need to tell it, to share it with others, if only to help them understand me or even life with cancer. My story isn't the be all end all, but I feel there is healing in the sharing.

     I said the other day that I was on this side of my grief about the loss of my dad. Today I am going to write about that journey and some of what happened. I am not writing about it because I want sympathy or anything like that. I am writing about it because I want others to know that its ok to feel whatever your feeling when your life brings you into crisis. To know that everyone handles it differently and even though society might say that you must only handle it in a certain way, there is no right or wrong way as long as you aren't hurting someone else in the process.

     A little over 2 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. To even find that out took quite some time as the doctors kept telling him that the pain in his side and they was he was feeling was just because of his diabetes being out of control.  My dad told them that he had a dream and in his dream, God told him he had cancer. I think they may have though he was crazy and really didn't take him serious. They just kept running tests and treating his blood sugar which was slightly out of control at the time.

     He called me every day and we talked about it. I felt very uncomfortable with the C word and so I wanted to believe what the Dr.'s were saying as well, but after 2 weeks of him calling me and saying how much he was hurting, I knew something else was up. I called a Dr. friend of mine and asked him if he would please see my dad. He agreed so we set up an appointment. Dad went in to see him and at first he concurred with the other Dr.'s, dads blood sugars were out of control and that could make you feel bad, but he agreed to run some tests.

     That was on a Monday, by Thursday, dads pain was so bad he was in tears. He called me crying and so I called the Dr. and told him we need to do something else. Their plan was not working. So he asked me again what dad was feeling. I explained that he was having extreme pain in his upper right quadrant right under his rib cage. The Dr. agreed to send dad in for a cat scan to see if they could figure it out. He suspected that dad might be having a gallbladder attack.

     I had to work that day and I was way out of town. I was in an area that had no phone service unless you drove to the top of a hill. I made my mom promise to send me a text when they got done with the CT.  Of course, it never came through. I could get messages on facebook because we had internet service and later that day my sister sent me a message asking had I heard about dad and to call her right away.  This did not sound good.

     I drove to the top of the hill, never suspecting what I was about to hear.  When I finally got service, I called my sister. She was in tears so I knew something was up. All she could get out was that they told dad he had cancer. I felt like someone had punched me right in the gut. I felt like I couldn't breath and that I needed to throw up all at the same time. I told her no, they are mistaken, it wasn't true.  Right about that time I look up and see my husbands truck barreling down the dirt road, headed straight to where I was. Any hope I had that it was some type of misunderstanding on my sisters part flew out the door.

     My husband got out of the truck and told me gently to get off of the phone. I was already in tears. I told my sister that I loved her and that I would call her back. That's when reality hit like a ton of bricks. My husband confirmed my worst nightmare, daddy had cancer, they had seen it on the CT.  At that point I lost it, I started crying and screaming. He just wrapped his arms around me and let me sob. He spoke quietly to me and finally got me to calm down.

     He told me that I needed to get it together because my dad was asking for me and I would need to drive back into town. My youngest son was with my husband and he said that he could drive if I was to upset. I said no that I would be ok to drive. I pulled it together enough to get into my car. The drive home was less than safe and looking back, I regret that I didn't just let my son drive. I cried so hard at times I couldn't see where I was going. I kept thinking to myself that the machine was wrong, it was picking up something else, but my gut told me different.

      I believe that day my 34 minute drive back to town may have taken me 20. I drove at a reckless speed and even though my rational brain kept telling me to slow down, my heart couldn't get me there fast enough. I drove straight to my dads house. I walked up the stairs to the living room and, one look at his face said it all. It was true, and it wasn't good. I fell into his arms and began to sob. I kept telling him how much I loved him and that we were going to beat this. He just cried quietly and didn't say a word.

     My strong daddy, the one who was always there when I needed him, now needed me more than ever. I had no idea that day, the challenges and heartbreak we were going to face. I only knew that my dad needed me, and I was not going to let him down. I knew there were going to be many things we were going to need to face along this journey, and that he was going to need me to be strong. I also knew that my strength was not going to come from myself because this was one journey I was not prepared to make.

     The first part of the journey required us to meet with the oncologist. We had to wait until he had an appointment available in Lamar so dad wouldn't have to travel. He came to Lamar and went over what the process was going to be. It was going to begin with us making a trip to Colorado Springs so they could do a P.E.T. scan so they could see exactly where the cancer was, and which organs were involved. The results of this scan would determine what the course of treatment daddy would need.

     The results of his scan were not what we expected. The cancer was not just in his lung as we first expected, but had spread into his liver and some lymph nodes. They needed to do a biopsy to determine where the cancer had started and what kind it was. This would help them decide what treatment would be best. They scheduled the biopsy. Another trip to Colorado Springs would be necessary.

     We were all praying hard and very nervous as the day arrived. This day would tell us what we were truly facing. We all hoped for the best as they called daddy's name and then wheeled him away for the procedure. We all waited in the family waiting room. The mood was somber and we all prayed for a safe procedure. After an hour they came out to tell us dad was in recovery.

     When we were finally able to see him, he looked a little rough. Of course who wouldn't after being put under and having someone cut them open? He was in good spirits though. That was promising. The doctor let us know they would have the results soon, but from what she could see, it looked like small cell. This was the worst case scenario. Small cell could not be cured, but she said it could be treated. The treatment would allow dad to have more time.

     WHen we got the official results, and we were told it was small cell, we all cried. This meant that dady would have at most, 12-18 months, at the least, 8 months. But we refused to get down and we decided right than and there, we were going to fight this. We were going to give it everything we had and stand by dad's side through it all.
     We met with the Dr. again so that he could lay out the treatment plan. The plan would mean daddy would have to do chemo. I'll be honest, dad told me that this scared him, not the prospect of dying, but the fear he had of the pain he would be in. He didn't take pain well. He was told he would have to have surgery to put a port in so that they could do all of his treatments. The chemo you see is harsh and they needed to have a way to keep a line open for the duration of treatment. It was going to consist of 6, 3 day treatmets.

    It was going to be a long road but we knew it was going to be ok.  We had God on our side and with Him, we would have the strength. Dad's faith was strong and he said he was leaning on Him. He was always so strong in his faith but this time, he drew even closer to God. He was truly a man of God.

     So we endured the treatments. I would go to all his treatments with my mom. Dad would laugh and joke sometimes, but the most wonderful thing I saw was as my dad talked to others who were in for treatments. He would share his faith with them. He would talk to them about how God wants them to know that He loves them. It was so amazing to see that even in his struggle, his loving, caring nature was still there.

     We made it through the treatments right before Thanksgiving. It was a sweet holiday season that year. All of us, my sisters and my brother, got together and planned Christmas that year. We all went to my sister Deanna's house and cooked and ate dinner together. It was so wonderful. Daddy was so happy. We were able to get a family portrait done but there were a few missing. It was so much fun. It was a little hard because right before Christmas, they did propholactic radiation.

      The radiation caused dad to lose all his hair and even though they made him a mask, he was still burnt. They wanted to do the radiation as a precaution because this typr of cancer would easily go to the brain and cause tumors.  It was really hard on dad I think. He cried and he said afterwards, he would never do radiation again. It broke my heart to see my dad cry. He was a strong man so seeing him cry was hard.

     In the end of March 2014, I began to notice some changes in my dad that concerned me. He was repeating himself when we were talking and at times, he couldn't seem to remember what he was trying to say. In early April when I was down on my regular weekend visit, I noticed dad was dragging his feet when he walked. I told him to pick up his feet when he walked. He didn't realize he was shuffling his feet.

      I told my mom I was concened so I called his oncologist. I told him about dad's inablility to remeber words at times, repeating what he said and the shuffling of his feet. The Dr. agreed that this was a concern. The ordered a cat scan for dad. That is when they found that his cancer had spread. They wanted him to start chemo again right away. They said the sooner he started, the better the chances of it shrinking again. Dad asked how much time this would give him?

     The Dr.'s said they weren't sure but they felt it could at least give him at least 6 more months. Dad was unsure whether he wanted to do this and he asked my opinion. I told him I felt it would be the best choice for him to do the treatment. He said he wanted to talk to my sisters and brother before he decided. He called me a few days later to tell me that he decided not to. I was devestated and I really wanted to beg him to take the treatment, but I respected his decision.

     A couple weeks later, in the late afternoon, my mom called me at work. I didn't normaly answer my phone at work and she didn't ever call me there, so I knew right away something was wrong. My mom was crying and she told me that my dad had fallen and that she couldn't get him up. She had to call the ambulance to come and get him. I went straight to my boss and told him I needed to leave, my dad & mom needed me.

     I called my husband, ran home and packed, and headed straight to Lamar.  When I got there, I was so shocked. My big strong daddy was laying in a hospital bed looking weak and tired. I had to fight with everything in me not to cry. I needed to be strong for him. Daddy could not walk at this point. His legs just weren't working. The Dr.'s weren't sure what was going on. By the next morning, they decided to let him go home. He couldn't even walk. I discussed this with my mom and than called my dad's oncologist. They felt it best to bring dad up to Colorado Springs so that they could figure out what was happening.

     I called my bother and sisters and let them know I was driving dad up there. They all agreed to meet us there. My aunt Mary was going to fly out to Colorado because she was very concerned. ONce there we were told that they would do some testing to try to figure out what was going on. They told us that the found a tumor at the base of his brain. They said that they wanted to treat it with radiation again.  Dad needed to decide what he wanted to do.

     All of his family rallied around him and we told him that we would support him in whatever he wanted to do. He decided to do the treatment. We were all there with him as he made that trip for treatment. It was a pin point treatment to just the area with the tumor. They said that this would shrink it right up. We than had to make decisions and plans to take dad home. They said that dad could go home as long as he was able to walk down the hallway, the steps and back to his room. I had stayed at the hospital with my mom and dad and I knew that it would take a miracle for that to happen.

     My mom, dad and I said a prayer, we prayed that dad would be able to do what they required. He did, and they let him know he could go home once we had everything in place for him at home. Hospice was set up to come in and assist with dad's care and his bedroom was set up for his return. The next day, my dad an mom made the trip home. He was so excited to be going home. He couldn't wait to get home to his own bed.

     Dad got home and settled in. He was very happy to be home. My aunt Mary went with them to help my mom. I had to go back to work but promised I would be down that weekend. I got down that weekend and my dad was very happy. We talked for a long time about things. He was glad that he had moved to Lamar and he said that he really wanted to marry my mom again. I called the minister so that we could plan it. My aunt Mary and I helped them get ready.

     Dad couldn't get out of bed at this point but he was so happy. He really felt like he was making things right. You see, my parents had been divorced for 43 years at this point. My mom was happy as well.  My aunt Mary and I cried through the ceremony, well so did my dad. They said their vows and kissed. I headed back home the next day so I could get ready for the new work week.

     That next week I spoke to my dad everyday on the phone. On Friday morning I was up very early. I was drinking coffee when my phone rang. My mom was on the other line and said, "Carrie," with tears in her voice. I asked her what was wrong. She said my dad wanted to talk to me. My dad got on the phone and told me, "Carrie, I want to go home." I said, "dad, you are home what do you mean?" He said, "you know what I mean." I began to cry and told him hang on, I was on my way.

     I immediately called my boss to tell them I had to go. My dad was going to pass.  I rushed to pack, called my husband who was at work, all with tears streaming down my face. I stopped and put gas and headed straight for Lamar.  I got there in record time I'm sure. Dad said he had been seeing the angels and he had talked to his mother that morning. Grandma, his mother, had passed 6 years prior. He also told me that Jesus was there waiting for him.

     My sister Angela was there that afternoon. We stayed with dad late into the night. Finally my sister and I went to bed. We slept in a kingsize bed downstairs together so we could be close by in case my mom needed us. I got up through out the night to check on him. I could tell by his breathing that he was getting close. The next morning when we got up, dad was bearly speaking. We called my brother and sister and nephew so that dad could talk to them all. We also called his sisters. It was hard watching and hearing him say goodbye. I didn't want to believe it was real.

     I called the hospice nurse because dad was beginning to have pain. They came by and check on dad. They told us than that it could be days or hours. It was just up to dad at that point. They left and I monitored dad throughout the day. Late that afternoon I noticed a change in his breathing. That's when I called the hospice nurse back again. She said that I was right and that dad was probably going to pass that night. I was torn between the promise I made dad to stay by his side until he passed, and my strong desire not to be there when he passed.

     My mom, sister and nieces had gone upstairs to eat dinner. I told them I would stay with dad whhile they did. The nurse and I where sitting on the bed. I saw the change and knew dad was passing at that very moment. I was holding his hand and just asked the nurse if I should get my mom. She was replying when dad breathed his last. He was gone. I was stunned. I jumped up off the bed and ran up the stairs crying to tell my mom he was gone. They, my mom, sister and nieces, all ran down the stairs. I could hear them all sobbing but couldn't bring myself to go down with them.

     I called everyone I could think of, my husband, aunts and my friend Jen. After crying my eyes out, I went downstairs again. I knew we needed to call the minister and the funeral home. I helped the nurse to prepare my daddy so they could take him. It was the last act of love I could preform for him. We washed his body and got him ready for them to come and take him. They took my dad away after we all had a chance to say goodbye. Dad had already arranged everything with the funeral home so we wouldn't have to do anything.

     The next day we went down and made arrangements. He had decided to be cremated so we had to chose what box we wanted. We picked his funeral cards and made the funeral arrangements. It was a small service because many of dad's family and friends had already passed. It was so special though. All the people who really loved dad were there. My sister and I got up and gave his ulogy. We played the songs dad had picked. We cried and loved eachother. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

     For our final farewell, we released balloons in dad's favorite colors. We all stood outside of the church and watched them as they climbed up and out of site. It was bittersweet. We knew dad was no longer in pain, but there was now a hole in our hearts where he once was. It was going to take time, but I knew eventually, we would heal. My daddy was the greatest man I ever knew. I miss him deeply and I know that someday, I will see him again.


    

Morning

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23.



     I love the morning, Its my favorite time of the day. Its quiet, everyone in the house is asleep, and I am the only one up. I get to spend time reading God's word and relaxing. I drink my coffee, and weather permitting, sit outside and watch the sun come up. The hues of the changing sunrise always amaze me. They are never the same but yet somehow, always just as beautiful.

     Sometimes I get up to snow or rain, fog or cloudy days. On these days there isn't the sunrise I always look forward to. Its almost a disappointment, but than I remember that this is why I love the sunrises so much. Because each sunrise brings a new day and moves us through the seasons. Each day is never the same but each morning, sunrise visible or not, brings me a new day. So when I get to see another sunrise, its like the day I didn't was never there.

     I think that is how God's love is. Never the same, but always there. He loves us all differently ever day. And no matter what sin we may have committed, He continues to forgive it and love us just like it was never there. I am so glad that He loves me and has mercy towards me.

     I hope everyone knows that this is the kind of love that they deserve. That it is a kind of love that only God can give to each and every one of us no matter what we have done or who we are.

A new year

"I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of Your wonders." Psalms 9:1


     So, we find ourselves in a new year. 2015. It came in this year without our usual fanfare. We usually have a get together with our kids and ring in the New Year with sparkling cider as we watch the ball drop in New York. Not this year. This year I was asleep by 9:30. I did wake up at midnight when all the people in the neighborhood started lighting off fireworks. But it wasn't the same.

     I struggled through the holidays this past year after the loss of my father. It was really hard to celebrate or even feel festive. I did manage to get my tree up and decorated. I went through the motions and it was a first for me because I had all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve this year. Not my norm.

     Christmas was nice. We had our oldest son and his family over, opened presents and ate together. I didn't cry until later. I just felt that emptiness in my heart where my dad was. It was the same for my birthday. He was always the first to call me for my birthday and all holidays. Not this year. It was hard. I was struggling with sadness.

     I realized after the holidays were over that something needed to change. I needed to get God back into my life in a more profound way. I needed to be more thankful for all of the things that I do have in my life and stop focusing on all the things I didn't. It wasn't going to be easy by any means, but I knew that I, with the help of God, could regain that strength and inner peace.

     With a renewed energy, I began to actively seek God again, I began to read His word daily and to ask questions, and look for the answers. To focus on the things I have. I felt different. It felt like something changed inside of me. That sadness wasn't as strong. I felt like something had shifted. That emptiness was no longer there. It had been filled. And there wasn't that inner struggle I have had for years. That to had shifted. I no longer needed to turn to ED to deal with my problems. I was able to turn to God, to pray and to meditate on His word. The emptiness somehow seems smaller, like its being filled.

     He was waiting in the wings while I was stubborn and tried, and failed, once again to do it my way. I didn't really think that God wanted to be bothered with my sadness. I mean, there are way more important things in life than me and my problems, right? And that is when I realized how wrong I was. I was limiting God to a small box. One dedicated only to what I deemed important issues.  That isn't who He is though.

     God is concerned with all of His people. He isn't like a human being who is limited to what they can see, hear and do. He is BIG. Bigger than anything we could ever imagine. He is everywhere all the time and He cares. This doesn't mean that bad things can't happen, I know this because in my studies I read that we have free will. That means that we get to make our own decisions, and sometimes those lead us into bad places. The thing I have to remember is that even in those places, He is still there. I just need to learn to lean on Him.

     I am learning that the places I have been in the past year have really shaped me into a different person. I find that I am slower to get angry, my feelings aren't so over emotional. I am less judgmental about myself. I see a different person when I look in the mirror. A person that I like, who is beautiful, kind, compassionate, faithful, honest, trustworthy. A child of God. One He created in His own image. Stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.

     With help, I have looked back at my life and seen the storms that I have survived. Storms that could have destroyed me. Things that would make others cringe in fear. I survived, scarred, battered and bruised, but alive and stronger for it. The healing hand of God made sure of that. And I have been deeply blessed. God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life. I have met so many people, people whose stories have touched me, or people who I have been able to help, and all because of my own experiences.

     I am thankful for those experiences for they have given me a glimpse into an imperfect world. They allow me to have compassion on people that others may not even give a second glance to. They have allowed me to be more thankful for the people I am honored to have in my life. I am truly blessed and even in the dark times, God was right there, holding me, comforting me, loving me, He just was waiting for me to turn to Him. So now I shout with joy that my God, your God, the God of the Universe, He loves you, all of you. Every single part of you. He is just waiting. His love is AMAZING. He is Amazing. What are you waiting for?