Truly Content

      Content- Adjective-in a state of peaceful happiness. verb-Satisfy. Noun-State of satisfaction. 
As I look at this word and its meaning, I ask myself, "is this real, can one truly be content, at peace, satisfied?"  If I look at what America, or should I say society, deems contentment, I think not.  But, if I look at things from a biblical stand point, I think yes!

     "How is this?" you might ask, and had you asked me a month ago, I would have answered in a way most Americans would answer, to be rich, have a new car, a huge house, lots of stuff...Today, I would say, Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have been a Christian for a very long time, 31 years to be exact, but I wasn't living my life that way. I got so caught up in thinking that I myself, could somehow make myself happy. 
    
      I tried finding a new job, going back to school to get my RN, moved away from our home town, tried making new friends, and all was futile. All of these things did not bring me happiness. If anything, I felt lonelier than I have ever felt. I was stressed out, angry all the time, moody, and sad. I couldn't figure out what I needed to do to find myself again. I was out of sorts.

     Have you ever felt that way? Like nothing you did was right, you couldn't be happy, nothing felt in place. You were constantly chasing the next dream.  Well that's how it was for me. I felt like I didn't belong, I couldn't do anything right, I was failing at my day to day life. I was so frustrated that I was sick all the time and had aches and pains everywhere. I started to just get sick of myself, and this was reflected in the way I was treating others.

     It is not a good feeling to wake up one morning and realize, "I DON"T LIKE ME ANYMORE!"  And that's what happened. Last Monday I woke up and said this to myself, and let me tell you, that's not a good feeling.  I had become a constant complainer, I was unfocused and frazzled all the time. I ran from this thing to that, never really accomplishing anything.  I felt like George Jetson when he was on that treadmill thing, only I was Jane, and there was no one to, "Stop this crazy thing."

     My problems were big, and my faith was small. I was letting the people I cared about down at every turn, not to mention, letting myself down. During the last year and a half as I completed my ADN, I constantly felt on edge, and I was waiting for school to be done so that feeling would go away. Well, I graduated in December 2016, and here it was February, and I still felt like I was going to just explode at any minute. There was no rest, no break, no peace. 

     Why? Why was there no peace in my life? I had finished school, I was going to get my RN. I was working with a great group of people who I admired and respected. So what was the hang up?  Last Monday morning, I got up and read my bible, did my study, prayed and waited. This is no different than before, except, I was truly listening. I had cried out to God in a way I hadn't for a long time. I unburdened my heart to Him, got down on my knees, and prayed for Him to give me peace.

     Than it came. Softly, not like a large booming voice, but more like a soft whisper, like the breeze through the aspen leaves.  The answer. So simple, so easy, and staring me right in the face.  I was trying to do things on my terms. Again. Trying to force life to be what I wanted it to be, no matter what.  In doing this, I hurt myself, my husband, my family, and my friends. I thought that I knew what was best, so I was doing it my way.  WRONG!

     That whisper, soft, and peaceful, asked me if I was ready to truly listen.  I broke down and cried, and told God, "Yes."  "I am tired Lord, I can't go on like this, I need you."  Please tell me what I need to do, how I can make this better, how I can make me better. And His answer? Let go, stop doing it Carrie's way, and start doing it God's way. I asked what He meant. He said you are in the wrong place, at the wrong job, you are trying to do things your way. You need to quit. I cried even harder than and told Him please Lord, can't you just make things better where I am? He said NO. I told Him, I can't, I will hurt my friend, someone I value, I really care about.  He asked me if her happiness was more important to me than my own? I had to be honest, this is what I had been doing, so worried about other peoples happiness, that I was hurting me. So I let go, and gave it to God, I said I knew what He was asking me to do, and I would follow.

     You see, I made a really good friend in school. One who encouraged me, would never let me quit, even when that's what I thought I needed to do. She listened to me when I cried, laughed with me, studied, and went through everything I was going through in nursing school. We shared stories of our life with each other. Stories of our kids, our childhoods, husbands, you know, day to day struggles. I no longer thought of her as just a friend, but a sister. So when my other job let me go, it was a natural thing to apply where she worked. I mean, what would be greater than working with one of your good friends.

     So I did it, I mean applied there, without prayer, without going to God first, talking to Him, to my husband, and waiting for an answer.  I just jumped in, feet first, without thinking it through.  Boy, I don't know how many times a person can do things like this and not learn. Apparently, a bunch. Just ask me, because I have.  Well, the initial start was wonderful. I was working with my friend, and we were going to make the place great. Everyday was fun, and I loved my co-workers. They were all so wonderful.

     You can guess what happened I'm sure. The nature of the beast, this line of work I'm in as a nurse, can sometimes be more than you think. This is true of places where elderly come to live, to be cared for, and end their days. Oh how I loved our residents. Each one had a story, each one was so unique. Some where harder to reach than others, but eventually, I got to know them, their pasts, their life stories. I was privileged to care for a phenomenal group of people. That part of the job was a blessing.

     That was the easy part. The hard part is what got to me. Its hard to find people who want to work in these places. I don't mean because of the job or the people, I mean because it is physically and emotionally demanding. The worst part, is that you are almost always short handed. In my position, this equaled long hours, working odd shifts, double shifts, days, evenings, nights, and weekends. It would sometimes mean, putting in my hours, and than covering for whoever decided not to show up.  This made things so hard for me because I was falling behind on my job, which was not my priority at that time because the care of my residents was my priority. It was for them that I was willing to work such long hours, to come in at any time, or cover when there was no-one else to.

     As you can imagine, this slowly began to wear me down. I am no spring chicken anymore, and what I could once do in my twenties, I could not maintain now in my late forties. I began to have aches and pains I had never had. Sleepless nights. Constant worry about the things I wasn't doing. All of this added up to one thing, one very miserable me. Now if you were to ask those around me, they might tell you that I always had a smile on my face, I would laugh and joke, but those closest to me could see and feel the change. I no longer had peace. I couldn't find joy in the things I used to, and honestly, I can say I felt like I was just a robot, running around doing as I was programmed.

     I had lost my JOY.  That's where the whisper comes in. That is when God answered my prayer, and told me that I was doing no good in the state I was in. That even though I was trying to give my best, there would not be happiness because it was not where He had called me.  I was still in service to Him, but not in the right area. He whispered, "Let go of this child, so I can show you where you are to be."  Well, let me tell you that is not an easy thing for me to do. I don't like to quit, and I never want to hurt others or let them down. I was going to hurt people, and let them down if I listened, but I did, I had no choice, so I trusted, I let go, I did as He asked me to.  No it was not easy, it hurt and I may have lost my friendship over the whole thing, but I felt it was the right thing, it was what God was telling me to do. So, I gave my 2 weeks notice.

     They excepted my resignation, and, I could see the hurt in my friends eyes. I knew I had wounded her deeply, and for that I was truly sorry, but I couldn't tell God no. I was following His calling in my life. The crazy thing is, even though I was sad to see a friendship that may be lost, I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. It was like a veil was removed from my eyes, and the clouds had melted away. I could finally see my life at the other side of whatever this journey had been. I was no longer stumbling around in frustration, hurt, anger, and pain. I was walking in the light of peace, and it felt GOOD!

     Of course, there was still the issue of me needing to have work. That was God's purpose behind all of this I believe. He has a calling on my life, and that calling is to be a nurse, a Hospice nurse.  I applied and got a job working for a hospice in town, and let me tell you, I feel so blessed. The group of nurses I work with are top notch. They not only love what they do and have a passion for it, they love God and it shows in every thing they do. This is where I belong.

     So in the week since all this change has happened, I have changed as well. I am learning new things, preparing to take my NCLEX exam, and, I am at peace. I am sleeping well, have no aches or pains, and I feel wonderful. My husband made the comment to me yesterday, as we spent the day meandering through antique shops, and than stopping for lunch on the River Walk, that I had changed. I looked at him and smiled and said, I know, I can feel it deep inside.  He said that I looked peaceful, your attitude is different, you seem content.

     So, I looked of the word content, really read the definition, and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am truly happy, at peace, satisfied, CONTENT!

A new begining

   I haven't written anything in so long. This is strange. I love writing because for me, it is a release. There is no one here to tell me that what I am doing is wrong. It is just me and my computer and I can put my feelings down without fear of reprisal.

     Since I last wrote, I have completed my ADN and I am waiting to take my NCLEX so that I can get my RN. I can't wait. It will open so many doors for me. It has been a life long dream of mine to finally finish this journey. I have met so many wonderful people in the last year and a half.

     I have to admit, there were times that I wanted to quit. It was hard working full time and going to school. I found that the struggle made me so much stronger. I have learned that when I want to quit, I need remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

     I am learning to grow each and every day. I am growing closer to God each day. It is another thing that I really missed during school. Its not that I didn't have time to pray or read His word, but I didn't get to go to church where I really feel that you get the fellowship you need.

     Our family has grown. We have 2 new grandbabies and they are the sweetest. I am loving my new place in life as grandma. I find that this season is such a blessing in my life right now. I am older, I have accomplished a lot, and I am content with my marriage. I love my job and the fact that I get to work with such an amazing group of people every single day.

     We are in a new church now and we are finding that the people there are very kind. It was really hard trying to find a church that we really felt like we fit in. We come from a very small church, and in Pueblo, most of the churches are large. You really don't feel a personal connection in a large church because you are just another face in the Crowd.

     The home we are in now is beautiful, and I am finally at HOME. It is a home in the mountains and I am surrounded by pine trees, nature, and beauty 365 days a year. It is my place, the place where I can rest, find peace, be me. I am so happy here.  It is probably the most happy I have been ever.

     Blessings keep pouring in. My God, my husband, my children, grandchildren, family and friends. It is so great to see where God has lead me. He has had his hand in every part of my life. I just feel like this is such a good place at this time.

     Well, I guess this is it for me. I am off to bed so I can get up and go to work at 2 am. God bless you all. Glad to be back.