Back at it.

     So I just came back from a 10 day vacation. It was so wonderful and so peaceful.  We spent time at home the first half which worked out really great. It gave us time to get the garage cleaned out, and to get some much needed yard work done. The second half we spent camping in the mountains with all of our kids and grandkids.

     We camped up at San Isabel lake. What breathtaking beauty. The mornings were quiet with a crispness to the air. Much needed after the heat of Pueblo West. The days were spent playing corn hole, fishing, hiking, or just relaxing. We took a day and went to Bishops castle, took the kids on the boat, and went on a nature hike.

     I took some time to just walk alone and reflect on things. As a hospice nurse, I am subjected to grief on a daily basis, so I just needed some time to relax and think.  As I reflected, I realized that I experience the grief of my patients, their families, friends, and than even my own grief. It is a constant in my line of work. I began to ask, is this really what I want to do with the rest of my nursing career?

     This was one of the things I had seriously been contemplating prior to our vacation. I was pretty sure that I no longer wanted to do hospice. No longer wanted the constant grief that is a hospice nurse life. I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, where I could feel like I was able to help or make a difference. To help someone heal. To go to work, work my day, and come home and live my life without the constant worry of someone else.

     During my walk, I began to reflect over the time I have been a hospice nurse. How I initially got into it, what drew me to stay in it, and why I worked so hard for my RN so I could be a case manager. I realized that all the things I wanted to change about what I do as an RN, applied in what I was already doing. I had just gotten so caught up in the grief, I lost sight of what it really means to be a hospice nurse. I had a little burn out, which by the way happens in every job, not just hospice.

     I do help. I help my patients understand their disease process, the dying process, and what happens as they do this journey. I make a difference in their lives and the lives of their families as well as my co-workers. I help them to heal from the grief that they experience when they are first given the news that their disease is terminal. It is my choice if I carry that work home, and I do. Why you might ask? Because that is who I am.

     You see, I have always been a care giver. It started when I was little and would bring injured animals home all the time. Everything from birds, to mice. Yes, mice. I always wanted to help others. I stuck up for the underdog, befriended people others shunned, and cared for those who couldn't care for themselves. I was put in the role of mother at an early age as I helped to raise my brothers and sisters. So you might say, it was natural that I would become a nurse.

     Nursing has given me the opportunity to do what I love. What I am passionate about. Taking care of others. I touch lives in ways I may never even know, and I am okay with that. I help people during a time when most people would run in the opposite direction. It's not easy daily facing what is inevitable for us all. But I do it because I genuinely care for each of my patients. I care about what they are feeling, their fears, their pain, their joy.

     My job is not a job. It is a blessing. Each day I step into the lives of others and help guide them through their journey. There is no book, or training, or teacher that can tell you how to do this. Each and every one of them is unique and the journey they take is different for each one. Where they stand on faith, what they believe does or does not come after death. Their reflection on the life they have live, and the legacy they will leave.

     There is so much more to being a hospice nurse than just going in and taking vital signs, monitoring medications, treating wounds and other nursing duties. There is mind, body, and spiritual care that goes into each of my visits. I am not just a nurse to them. At times I am a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, the one who holds them up when they can't go on. I am an educator, a person to bounce their feelings off of, one who may write that final letter, or help them as they come to terms with all that is happening.

     The most wonderful thing happened this week as I got back at it. Each home or facility I walked into said to me how very, very happy they were that I was back. They said the other nurses that came in were okay, but that they preferred to have me back. I know that each of us nurses patients feels that way about us. It made me realize that I do make a difference and that it does matter if I am there or not. These people form a bond with us not because we are perfect, or know it all, but because we are there for them at the hardest time in their lives.

     In conclusion, I know I am where I am supposed to be. This is where I was called. God has me where I am supposed to be. I know where my strength comes from. I run to God when I feel run down, and like I can't go on. He refreshes my soul. It is through this that I am able to keep doing what He has called me to do.

I will leave you with this from Timothy Keller:

     "You don't go to God because he is useful, you go because He is beautiful, and nothing is more useful than finding God beautiful."

Find your beautiful today and you will be useful! 

Soul Tired

BUSYNESS IS AN ILLNESS OF THE SPIRIT

Psalms 46:10

 

 

     ".....all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally."  Thomas Merton

 

 

      After 4 hours of sleep last night I was awakened and forced to start my day .I walked out to the back deck and sat down and cried. I am so tired that all I could do is just cry. I thought to myself, what have I done to not deserve rest, and then I read the saying above. I don't take time alone. Time without the TV, radio, or my cell phone. I don't feel I deserve to take time for me. How many people are guilty of this.

 

      In Psalms 46:10, it says to, "cease striving and know that I am God;"  What does this truly mean? I mean, I have to be busy in order to get everything done. I have to keep doing so that people are happy with me, think I am doing a good job, see my good work. I want my husband and children to say, "wow, I really appreciate all you do for me."  But it doesn't happen. No matter how hard or long I work, I don't hear these words, or if I do, its few and far between.

 

       I hear people say that you shouldn't expect a thank you for the job your supposed to do. You are paid to do that job, you don't need to be told your doing it well. We work so very hard, keep our selves so busy, always striving to be more, do more, get more.  Well that is just plan crazy. At the end of our lives, others are not going to care what job we did, how much we got done in a day, or how much we have. They are going to remember us for how our time was spent. Either being with others, or doing all the time.  

 

      I have never been a sit back person. I strive everyday to be that perfect person, not seeing that I am only pushing myself into exhaustion. I don't need to be the perfect person for everyone. Everyone else's happiness does not super cede my happiness, but that is how I have always lived my life. Trying so hard to please everyone else, that I have lost sight of the fact that I should make sure I am taken care of first.

 

     Being the oldest child, I was always caring for my siblings. I also took care of my parents a lot because of their choices. This meant there was little time for quite, little time for me, and little time to be a child myself. I felt that if I just did everything right, my parents would love me, my teachers would praise me, that someone, anyone, would be proud of what I did.

 

     I see now that I was chasing an elusive dream. That having someone else approve of what I do is not only crazy, but unnecessary. I don't have to do what I do for the approval of others. The only one I need to please is God!. I don't need to do my work for others to accept me, or always be the one trying to make peace. I can look out for me. I can do what Carrie wants to do. I can just be.

 

     You see, striving to always please others, always feeling not good enough, always pushing harder to be smarter, better, and gain others approval is down right exhausting. Always being expected to do for others before myself, to make sure everyone around me is happy and happy with what I am doing has worn me out. I feel so burnt out that I just want to run away to some very quite, remote, peaceful place, and forget all my responsibilities.

 

     Of course, that is not reasonable, but it sure sounds good.  That is why it is so important to have that still, quite time each and everyday. A time when there is no distraction, no electronic devices, no voices asking, pulling, prodding for us to do more!  We all need peace, quiet, time to just let down.  Society says you are not successful if your not always busy.  THIS IS A LIE!!!

 

     I cannot do what I need to do, give the attention I need to give, or care the way I need to care, if I don't first care for me. If I don't give myself permission to just be quiet. To do something just for me. Its not being selfish, like I tell myself anytime I want to do something for myself.  It is personal care. We all need it, I just can't wrap my brain around it.

 

     I am currently on vacation. I take one vacation a year. I don't feel like I can take more time than that because I feel guilty. Like I am letting others down, or making others do my work. How can I even feel this way. Others take time off and I fill in where I am needed when they do. So why to I feel bad if I do the same?  I shouldn't and this year I finally decided, yes I do deserve this time.

 

     I go to work sick, I take care of others all the time, buy things for others, and make sure everyone else is happy all the time. This leaves me feeling tired, sad, angry, unloved, and just plain yucky. Then it seeps out into my actions, words, behavior. Someone will call me out on it and then I feel guilty again. This leads to me trying to please everyone again. And the vicious circle goes on.

 

     I am learning that I am no good to others if I am not good to me. I need to take time to just be quite. To spend time with God. To take care of myself first.  I need to do this just for me, not so that I can be busier, do more, take care of more, but just for me. This is not a concept I am familiar with, as I have always taken care of others first. Learning to take care of me first is hard for me to do. Saying no to others is one of the hardest things, the biggest challenge I face.

 

     Others have become accustomed to me always doing for them first, that when I try to do for myself, slow down, not be so busy, they get upset. This pushes me back into that thought process of doing for others first.  I am not good at saying NO, but I am learning. I am learning to see that even if I am not in the middle of whatever is going on, I am okay. I don't need to be.

 

     Sometimes its okay to let others fall, to let them do for themselves, to have to deal with the tough stuff. Let them be the busy one while I sit back and take it easy. WOW is this hard for me! But again, I am learning. I am learning to be still, to let go, and to give myself permission to rest. Its going to take time, but each day I do a little better. I am learning that I am not mean if I take care of me first, I am smart if I do!!!!!

 

     So in conclusion, I no longer need to be soul tired, physically tired, emotionally tired, I can take the time to be quite, be still, take care of me first and others will survive. It will be alright!



Aspen the yellow pup's new adventures.

     Aspen the yellow pup joined our life on July 5th, 2018. It was crazy the way it all came into being. Here is the story.

     We are the Herrera Family. We have had dogs pretty much since we first got married. We have had all different types. Heinz 57 to pure bred. Our breeds have been Schnauzers, Boxers, Siberian Huasky, Wolf hybrid, Boxer/pitbull mix, Miniature Daschund, and finally our Yellow Lab.

     All the dogs were amazing and touched our lives in special ways. Each loss was felt deeply as they are our fur babies. Our most recent loss was our Daschund Gracie Mae Herrera. She was a very unique daschund who was adventurous, and happy. She brought such joy into our lives.

     Grace entered our life in February of 2014. She came all the way from Georgia. She was the sweetest little thing. It wasn't long before she was a part of our family, and our hearts. She did have some issues, like not listening, running the other direction when you called her, and thinking she was a Great Dane, not a daschund.

     She was also my best friend. She followed me everywhere I went, to the consternation of my husband. On Saturday's it was Grace and I. We would get up before anyone else, make coffee, go out to the porch or sit on the couch together and welcome the morning. She was such a snuggler.

     We moved to the mountains 3 years ago and Grace was in her element. She was all over the place. All of our neighbors knew who she was. She was a barker and that's how we always knew where she was. Of course, being in the mountains is not the best place to run all over when your a little dog.

     In February of this year we suffered 2 tragedies. First my aunt Phyllis passed away. We were gone to her funeral all day long. Our son was home and was taking care of our dogs. When we got home close to midnight, I asked our son where grace was. He said he tried to get her inside but she wouldn't listen.

     In the morning, I went our and looked all over for her. I thought I heard her barking far away. When my husband and son got up, our son told us that the neighbor had come up last night and told him that they had seen a mountain lion come up our driveway.

     That's when we started looking for Grace in earnest. We went out the back gate with our lab to look for her. As we started down the path, we noticed our lab Zuni was acting funny. She would go in front of us, whine a bit and come straight back.

     My husband went ahead of me and as we walked down the path I spotted blood on the ground.  I began to cry and called my husband back. We tracked to blood for a ways but found no other blood after a while. He finally turned to me and hugged me. That's when I just sobbed. I knew then that my Gracie Mae was gone.

     I told my husband I was done with dogs. My heart just couldn't handle the heart break of losing another baby.  We decided that we would just have Zuni until she passed and then we would be done with dogs. So the fact that Aspen come into our lives is such a miracle story

     Our daughter in law had decided to have a yard sale. We had just moved into our new home and we had stuff we needed to get rid of. We took all of our stuff up to their house. During the yard sale, an older gentleman arrived. He had 3 yellow labs in the back of his pick-up. I commented that we had one and we loved them so much.

     Some time during the conversation, I mentioned that we would like to have another lab puppy, but that they were so expensive that we couldn't afford one.  He mentioned that his niece had just had a litter of puppies and was looking to get rid of the last 3 she had. She was selling them for $200.00. 

     He called his niece, we talked, she sent pictures of the puppies and boom, we got another puppy. We made arrangements to pick up the puppy. On Thursday July 5th, we picked up our new baby. She was so playful and sweet. We named her Aspen and brought her home. Zuni was a little unsure at first, but they are now friends. Zuni even tries to mother her.

     Aspen is working her way into our hearts, and healing the missing part where Grace left a big hole. She will never replace Grace, but she will help heal the emptiness. She has been having adventures with us.  We have been to the mountains with her, the lake, and to the college to look for Pokeman. We hope she will have many adventures with our family for years to come.