Back at it.

     So I just came back from a 10 day vacation. It was so wonderful and so peaceful.  We spent time at home the first half which worked out really great. It gave us time to get the garage cleaned out, and to get some much needed yard work done. The second half we spent camping in the mountains with all of our kids and grandkids.

     We camped up at San Isabel lake. What breathtaking beauty. The mornings were quiet with a crispness to the air. Much needed after the heat of Pueblo West. The days were spent playing corn hole, fishing, hiking, or just relaxing. We took a day and went to Bishops castle, took the kids on the boat, and went on a nature hike.

     I took some time to just walk alone and reflect on things. As a hospice nurse, I am subjected to grief on a daily basis, so I just needed some time to relax and think.  As I reflected, I realized that I experience the grief of my patients, their families, friends, and than even my own grief. It is a constant in my line of work. I began to ask, is this really what I want to do with the rest of my nursing career?

     This was one of the things I had seriously been contemplating prior to our vacation. I was pretty sure that I no longer wanted to do hospice. No longer wanted the constant grief that is a hospice nurse life. I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, where I could feel like I was able to help or make a difference. To help someone heal. To go to work, work my day, and come home and live my life without the constant worry of someone else.

     During my walk, I began to reflect over the time I have been a hospice nurse. How I initially got into it, what drew me to stay in it, and why I worked so hard for my RN so I could be a case manager. I realized that all the things I wanted to change about what I do as an RN, applied in what I was already doing. I had just gotten so caught up in the grief, I lost sight of what it really means to be a hospice nurse. I had a little burn out, which by the way happens in every job, not just hospice.

     I do help. I help my patients understand their disease process, the dying process, and what happens as they do this journey. I make a difference in their lives and the lives of their families as well as my co-workers. I help them to heal from the grief that they experience when they are first given the news that their disease is terminal. It is my choice if I carry that work home, and I do. Why you might ask? Because that is who I am.

     You see, I have always been a care giver. It started when I was little and would bring injured animals home all the time. Everything from birds, to mice. Yes, mice. I always wanted to help others. I stuck up for the underdog, befriended people others shunned, and cared for those who couldn't care for themselves. I was put in the role of mother at an early age as I helped to raise my brothers and sisters. So you might say, it was natural that I would become a nurse.

     Nursing has given me the opportunity to do what I love. What I am passionate about. Taking care of others. I touch lives in ways I may never even know, and I am okay with that. I help people during a time when most people would run in the opposite direction. It's not easy daily facing what is inevitable for us all. But I do it because I genuinely care for each of my patients. I care about what they are feeling, their fears, their pain, their joy.

     My job is not a job. It is a blessing. Each day I step into the lives of others and help guide them through their journey. There is no book, or training, or teacher that can tell you how to do this. Each and every one of them is unique and the journey they take is different for each one. Where they stand on faith, what they believe does or does not come after death. Their reflection on the life they have live, and the legacy they will leave.

     There is so much more to being a hospice nurse than just going in and taking vital signs, monitoring medications, treating wounds and other nursing duties. There is mind, body, and spiritual care that goes into each of my visits. I am not just a nurse to them. At times I am a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, the one who holds them up when they can't go on. I am an educator, a person to bounce their feelings off of, one who may write that final letter, or help them as they come to terms with all that is happening.

     The most wonderful thing happened this week as I got back at it. Each home or facility I walked into said to me how very, very happy they were that I was back. They said the other nurses that came in were okay, but that they preferred to have me back. I know that each of us nurses patients feels that way about us. It made me realize that I do make a difference and that it does matter if I am there or not. These people form a bond with us not because we are perfect, or know it all, but because we are there for them at the hardest time in their lives.

     In conclusion, I know I am where I am supposed to be. This is where I was called. God has me where I am supposed to be. I know where my strength comes from. I run to God when I feel run down, and like I can't go on. He refreshes my soul. It is through this that I am able to keep doing what He has called me to do.

I will leave you with this from Timothy Keller:

     "You don't go to God because he is useful, you go because He is beautiful, and nothing is more useful than finding God beautiful."

Find your beautiful today and you will be useful!