Soul Tired

BUSYNESS IS AN ILLNESS OF THE SPIRIT

Psalms 46:10

 

 

     ".....all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally."  Thomas Merton

 

 

      After 4 hours of sleep last night I was awakened and forced to start my day .I walked out to the back deck and sat down and cried. I am so tired that all I could do is just cry. I thought to myself, what have I done to not deserve rest, and then I read the saying above. I don't take time alone. Time without the TV, radio, or my cell phone. I don't feel I deserve to take time for me. How many people are guilty of this.

 

      In Psalms 46:10, it says to, "cease striving and know that I am God;"  What does this truly mean? I mean, I have to be busy in order to get everything done. I have to keep doing so that people are happy with me, think I am doing a good job, see my good work. I want my husband and children to say, "wow, I really appreciate all you do for me."  But it doesn't happen. No matter how hard or long I work, I don't hear these words, or if I do, its few and far between.

 

       I hear people say that you shouldn't expect a thank you for the job your supposed to do. You are paid to do that job, you don't need to be told your doing it well. We work so very hard, keep our selves so busy, always striving to be more, do more, get more.  Well that is just plan crazy. At the end of our lives, others are not going to care what job we did, how much we got done in a day, or how much we have. They are going to remember us for how our time was spent. Either being with others, or doing all the time.  

 

      I have never been a sit back person. I strive everyday to be that perfect person, not seeing that I am only pushing myself into exhaustion. I don't need to be the perfect person for everyone. Everyone else's happiness does not super cede my happiness, but that is how I have always lived my life. Trying so hard to please everyone else, that I have lost sight of the fact that I should make sure I am taken care of first.

 

     Being the oldest child, I was always caring for my siblings. I also took care of my parents a lot because of their choices. This meant there was little time for quite, little time for me, and little time to be a child myself. I felt that if I just did everything right, my parents would love me, my teachers would praise me, that someone, anyone, would be proud of what I did.

 

     I see now that I was chasing an elusive dream. That having someone else approve of what I do is not only crazy, but unnecessary. I don't have to do what I do for the approval of others. The only one I need to please is God!. I don't need to do my work for others to accept me, or always be the one trying to make peace. I can look out for me. I can do what Carrie wants to do. I can just be.

 

     You see, striving to always please others, always feeling not good enough, always pushing harder to be smarter, better, and gain others approval is down right exhausting. Always being expected to do for others before myself, to make sure everyone around me is happy and happy with what I am doing has worn me out. I feel so burnt out that I just want to run away to some very quite, remote, peaceful place, and forget all my responsibilities.

 

     Of course, that is not reasonable, but it sure sounds good.  That is why it is so important to have that still, quite time each and everyday. A time when there is no distraction, no electronic devices, no voices asking, pulling, prodding for us to do more!  We all need peace, quiet, time to just let down.  Society says you are not successful if your not always busy.  THIS IS A LIE!!!

 

     I cannot do what I need to do, give the attention I need to give, or care the way I need to care, if I don't first care for me. If I don't give myself permission to just be quiet. To do something just for me. Its not being selfish, like I tell myself anytime I want to do something for myself.  It is personal care. We all need it, I just can't wrap my brain around it.

 

     I am currently on vacation. I take one vacation a year. I don't feel like I can take more time than that because I feel guilty. Like I am letting others down, or making others do my work. How can I even feel this way. Others take time off and I fill in where I am needed when they do. So why to I feel bad if I do the same?  I shouldn't and this year I finally decided, yes I do deserve this time.

 

     I go to work sick, I take care of others all the time, buy things for others, and make sure everyone else is happy all the time. This leaves me feeling tired, sad, angry, unloved, and just plain yucky. Then it seeps out into my actions, words, behavior. Someone will call me out on it and then I feel guilty again. This leads to me trying to please everyone again. And the vicious circle goes on.

 

     I am learning that I am no good to others if I am not good to me. I need to take time to just be quite. To spend time with God. To take care of myself first.  I need to do this just for me, not so that I can be busier, do more, take care of more, but just for me. This is not a concept I am familiar with, as I have always taken care of others first. Learning to take care of me first is hard for me to do. Saying no to others is one of the hardest things, the biggest challenge I face.

 

     Others have become accustomed to me always doing for them first, that when I try to do for myself, slow down, not be so busy, they get upset. This pushes me back into that thought process of doing for others first.  I am not good at saying NO, but I am learning. I am learning to see that even if I am not in the middle of whatever is going on, I am okay. I don't need to be.

 

     Sometimes its okay to let others fall, to let them do for themselves, to have to deal with the tough stuff. Let them be the busy one while I sit back and take it easy. WOW is this hard for me! But again, I am learning. I am learning to be still, to let go, and to give myself permission to rest. Its going to take time, but each day I do a little better. I am learning that I am not mean if I take care of me first, I am smart if I do!!!!!

 

     So in conclusion, I no longer need to be soul tired, physically tired, emotionally tired, I can take the time to be quite, be still, take care of me first and others will survive. It will be alright!