Grudge Match

" You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; An eye for an Eye, and a Tooth for a tooth."  Matthew 5:38

      I have always believed myself to be the most forgiving, loving and kind person I know. If you asked me what I thought of this verse, I would say that no, I don't believe that is true. I believe that we are to be more like Christ and forgive others as well as turn the other cheek. I was not one to hold a grudge, not forgive, believe that someone deserved something awful to happen to them because they had wronged me.

     Then God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are holding on to grudges."  This is very hard to write because of the tears flowing down my face right now. I did hold grudges, I didn't let go of wrong doings. Oh sure I would say that I had forgiven someone, but deep down inside I was waiting.

     Waiting for them to come to me or to call me and say they were sorry.

     I was waiting for them to change and become what I thought they should be, do what I thought they should do or even to say what I thought they should say.

    I wanted them to admit to me that what they did to me was wrong and that they shouldn't have said or done what they did.

     All my life I have been a very sensitive person. Very shy as a child and than as I got older, very easily sent into tears. Some one wouldn't want to play with me and I would cry. Someone would tease me and I would cry. I wouldn't be included in things and again, I would cry. When I look back at it, it all seems so exhausting. I was always trying so hard to be liked, accepted, that I missed out on so much.

     I would try so hard to please everyone. This would sometimes mean saying one thing to one person and than going and contradicting myself by saying something else to the other person.  I wanted so desperately to be liked by everyone, that I didn't realize I was hurting those I wanted to have like me and pushing them away. This wasn't who I wanted to be but I couldn't see what I was doing.

     Later I became a Christian. I accepted Christ. For the first time in my life, I was told that there was absolutely nothing I could do to earn someone's love. That God loved me so much, that He sent his son to die for me. It was hard to wrap my brain around.

     For a while, I didn't think about what others thought of me because I knew that God loved me, but than I fell back into the old pattern.  Holding on to my resentments, letting them build up inside until there was little room left for Jesus.

     Don't get me wrong, I still prayed, read my bible, went to church, all the things that kept me in relationship with God, He just didn't have all of me. I even went into my marriage still feeling inadequate.  I loved my husband deeply, but couldn't figure out why he would love me. I was still holding on to the feeling that I was just not good enough because there were still people who didn't like me.

      I decided that with my kids, I would try to do everything I could to make them strong, confident and unafraid. I wanted them not to worry about what others thought of them because they were very loved by their father and I and most importantly, by God.  I prayed daily that God would help me be the parent I didn't feel I ever had.  Again, holding onto a grudge. 

     Things would seem to be going great and than something would pop up, my old resentments would resurface and boom, there would go all the hard work I'd done. This happened over and over again, a viscous cycle. One that would leave me feeling like the worst______, fill in the blank, because believe me, I did.  I always felt like I just wasn't good enough and if so and so would just like me, than maybe, just maybe, I would be.

     Well that never happened. Even if the person would like me, something would come along and ruin it and 9 times out of 10, that something was my stinking thinking.  I would read about letting go of past hurts, about letting go of what I thought I needed to be, to let God lead me and give me rest, but there were a lot of past hurts that I needed to have rectified before I could let go and move on.

     I wanted the people who hurt me to apologize, admit they were wrong and than to like me. Once they did this, I just knew I could heal, move on with life, be a better me.  By doing this, I held even tighter to the anger, pain, insecurity, self doubt, inability to let go and love.  I couldn't heal because I, not they, would keep picking at the wounds and never let them heal.

     In the verse above it says, an eye for an eye, payback, restitution.  I had heard it or read it along the way several times.  That to forgive them they needed to admit their wrong doing, repent and ask for forgiveness.  But God told me, healing begins when I take it to Him. When I actually let go, and let Him do the work in the other person. That He, not I, is the only one that can change them..

     God wanted me to see beyond that hurt, to stop looking to others for acceptance and to see what He sees in me. That I am loved, that I am His and that I don't need others to come to me and beg forgiveness. If I kept thinking an eye for an eye, I was going to end up losing an eye because of my own sins and hurt that I caused.

     I learned that I am to not try to take revenge, or demand an apology from others. That I am to, "never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God..." Romans 12:19 a (NLT) 

     All this time that I was holding a grudge, it was not righteous.  It was so pressed down inside of me, hidden far from my conscious thought, but it would pop up in my thoughts and in my actions all the time. It began to eat away at the compassionate person I have always been and I was becoming angry and bitter. 

     It even began to affect innocent people that I really love. I became so cautious about being hurt that I would wouldn't leave any room to trust. I would accidently hurt those I loved because I was so angry with someone else, and that would leave me feeling even worse about me. 

     So what did I need to do?  What could I do in order to heal my broken heart and get rid of my stinking thinking?

     I needed to stop waiting for payback, for apologies, for those who had hurt me to change.  I needed to change me, to walk in a, PAID IN FULL, attitude. Stop thinking about all the wrongs that had happened in the past, and start thinking of all the rights. By doing this, I can finally be released from all that hurt and pain, and start living and loving those who love me.

     I have to make a conscious effort to let go everyday. And it gets easier the more I do it. Stop using up all of my thoughts on those who don't know and don't care, and start living and loving those who do.

     Here is my prayer; Lord, Father God, I will chose to walk away from all the hurts, all of the past wrongdoings, grudges and debts I have been holding on to.  Lord, your Son paid in full any debts that I owed as well as those of others I was trying to collect from. Please help me daily to let go, to love, to walk in Grace and Forgiveness towards those who have hurt me.  I receive your mercy and grace and the healing you extend to my heart this very day and everyday.  In Jesus' loving name, Amen.


Verse of the Day
Romans 12:21 "Do not let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." (NLT)

Things to Think About
How much energy do you use on a daily basis worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you? How much on past hurts and those who caused them?

So what might happen if all that time and energy was available for you to accept and receive what God has for you today?

Just a few things to think and pray about. I hope your day is truly blessed, I pray that if you are like me and holding on to grudges, that God would do a good work in you today and help you to let go of them and focus all that energy on more important things.