So the journey I have taken through recovery was not an easy one. I had planned to write about it as I went through the experience but I truly had no idea just how hard it was going to be. It was very mentally demanding. I was in program, that is what they call it, 11 hours a day. It was like being at a job where all you do is think all day long. And they pick at you until they can get you to open up. I guess pick is a strong word, but that is exactly what it feels like.
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it all the time. I must remember that I was there to get rid of a disease. A disease that was wasting my life away, taking me away from all of the things I value. I was in such a dark place that I didn't even know what my values were anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that is why I was there. To figure out who I was and what my values are.
There were so many lost and hurting people there just like me. Things in their lives just got to be to much and they turned to an eating disorder to hide their feelings, emotions and hurt. Just like me. It was so strange to be around others who were like me. And at the same time, it felt good. Not good that they to were suffering the way I was, but good that I was finally around people who got me. Who truly understood why I was doing the things I did.
When I got there I was introduced, sort of, to the community. That is what they call the group of individuals who are on your track. A track is the group of individuals who are on one side of the building with a set or team of people treating them. We had 2 tracks. Our track in the beginning consisted of about 12 people. I was warmly welcomed by them all and could see that they were all truly dedicated to getting better. They all were there to conquer this awful disease.
My first 2 days were just horrible. Not the treatment but the fact that I was hours away from my family in a strange environment with people I didn't even know. I remember crying all day and at night, calling Ed and begging him to come and get me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how terribly lonely I felt. You see, during the dark months, ok the last few years, I had even grown distant from God, so I felt completely abandoned. And calling Ed didn't help. He would gently remind me that I was in treatment for a reason and that I needed to stay.
I met a woman the first day I was there. She befriended me and tried really hard to make me feel welcome. I am not going to mention her name as her journey is private, just like most, if not all, of the people there. They did not want us to mention the program or anyone in it so I will write about things but not divulge names or locations. She had been in treatment since July. Little did I know how much I was going to need her friendship during this journey.
So that first week was pretty much a blur. I would go to groups, therapy sessions, a thing called process group, family therapy and my team meetings. We started our day before the sun came up, around 5:30 am(that was what time I would get up so I could shower and get ready) and end our day at 6:00 pm. I would get back to the apartment I lived in, with 3 other women, and be so exhausted and feeling so lonely, I would just go to my room and go to bed. I didn't socialize and I can only imagine what my roomies must have thought of me those first few days.
After the first week, and realizing that Ed was not going to come and get me, I began to settle in. I was still torn between desperately wanting to go home, and wanting to stay. I met a few other people there and began to make friends. They would meet down by the pool at night and just sit around and sing or visit or both. One young man there was extremely talented both in playing the guitar and singing. He kind of lead the gatherings at night. I didn't participate in the night time pool outings because I was so tired each night, and I must admit, I just didn't feel like I belonged. Not that I didn't belong at treatment and not that everyone wasn't nice and welcoming, just like I didn't belong.
I think it was my second week there, maybe the third, when the young man who sang and played guitar, was cut from the program. Not cut by the program but by his insurance. You see, insurance companies seem to not recognize that eating disorders are very severe and that people need months of treatment. Well actually, as I learned, years. Not years of inpatient treatment, but inpatient and outpatient. It happened to so many people while I was there that I was so angry. Angry that the insurance companies didn't get it. They weren't there, they don't know these people, they didn't get to hear the stories and see the dedication these people had to getting better.
So that last night he was there, all of us went to the fire pit by the pool. We sat around and they all talked about their time there in treatment. They talked about what an influence this young man had been to the community. We sang songs and then, we passed around his pendant. You get a pendant when you finish your treatment there and in your goodbye, the pendant is passed around and everyone puts things into your pendant. Encouragements for your continued journey and for you for the rest of your life.
So that's what we did. We sent the pendant around and told this brave, courageous, talented young man goodbye. I was so touched by the love and kindness these people had towards each other. We were all on the same but different journey. We understood each other and we could talk to one another without the fear of judgment or fear of being thought of as weird. In a way, you could finally let go of your guard and just be you.
So the young man left and life in the community went on. There were others who got cut or who finished the program along the way. I continued to struggle. You see I was letting go of a piece of myself, my shield of sorts, the thing I could use to mask or hide feelings. The ED (eating disorder) was beginning to lose its grip on me. And a miraculous change was happening. I can't say that I was always happy to be there but my friend kept encouraging me. She was strong and would tell me that I could do this, I just needed to hang on.
I began to be able to see God again. The darkness that had so taken a hold of me was losing its grip. I began to see that the ED was not my friend. It was not the way I needed to handle life. It was not something I had been in control of but rather, it was controlling me. And it was destroying me at the same time. As my eyes were being opened, I was able to reach out to God again. I could read His word and hear His voice again. I was feeling His touch in my life again. And most importantly, I was finally discovering who I am.
It was such a dramatic change. Getting to know and like me. Getting to realize my worth and the fact that I was valuable. I was not the stories I had heard or told myself all these years. I was not defined by the things that were done to me by others. Or the things that were said about me. I was hearing God's voice telling me that I was His child and worth more than any amount I could ever imagine. I was so valuable that He sent His Son to die for me.
So the journey continued for me. There were good days and bad. Days when I wanted to just pack up and leave. Days when I thought I could do no more. I couldn't face anymore or give up anymore. Couldn't feel anymore. But I did. I stayed the course. I waivered but never quit. And I owe that to God. Also to my determination to beat this. To my wonderful husband who was by my side the entire time. To my friend at treatment who was strong when I was weak. To my Aunt Mary who would listen to me cry and encourage me when I wanted to quit. I know she prayed unceasingly for me. To my family and friends who prayed for me.
And so my journey in treatment came to a close. I garnered the tools needed to continue my journey to healing at home. Home, oh sweet home. I thought the day would never come and that I would never make it but I did, and home never felt as good. Home isn't just a dwelling that you live in. Home is many things to me.
Home is resting in my Fathers arms. My heavenly Father. Home is my husband, being with him, talking to him, having him hold my hand, kiss my face, hold me. Home is my children, their smiles, touches, hugs, and laughter. Home is my family, calling and talking to me. Sending letters of encouragement. Praying for me. Home is sitting on the back porch listening to the sounds of nature. That is home.
So I end todays blog with this. When it seems like you can go no further, can't hang on another second. Can't endure another moment, look to Him. That is look to God. You see, even when it seems to be bleak, and there is no way out, He has a plan. Even when you feel so defeated, like the enemy is winning the battle, He has a plan. When you can't take even one more step, He is there to carry you. I truly believe what scripture says. In Phillipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
He is there with us even when we don't think we can feel Him. He walks beside us even in the darkness. He is always waiting for us to call out to Him and to admit that we can't do it on our own. It isn't easy to give up the control we think we have, but it is so worth it. Trust in what He has to say, trust the process and trust yourself. Your worth it.
Father God, thank you for this journey. Thank you for the many who touched my life during this journey. For those who were with me through the entire process and those who briefly touched me. Thank you for your faithful ones. The ones who prayed for me unceasingly. Those who held the faith even when I was doubting. Your never ending love and the God glasses you gave me to see in myself what You always knew was there. Thank you for the wonderful husband you blessed me with. His strength, love and devotion to you truly saw me through this. He loved me like you do Father and that in its self is so amazing. Thank you for my beautiful children. To see in them your love, compassion and warmth. I am so very blessed. Thanks for my daughter in laws and beautiful grandbabies. My family and friends. God bless them all.
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