So this blog may be a little hard for me to type. I am going to discuss the loss of my father and the spiral into darkness that almost killed me. It isn't easy to share this but I think that it might help others who are struggling with grief and feeling lost.
4 months ago, I lost one of the most amazing men I have ever known. It was my daddy. And let me tell you, it was the most painful, debilitating losses I have ever felt in my life. You see, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2013. By May of 2014, daddy lost his battle and went home to be with the lord.
I always had such a strong faith in God prior to this. I always trusted God in every aspect of my life. I completely trusted and believed that God was going to heal my dad. When this didn't happen, I felt so lost. I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that God took my dad home. That he healed him but not that way I was expecting.
That's when I started my decent into some really dark times. I did cry out to the Lord a few times to help me to come to terms with my dad's death, but I never heard a reply. I began to think that God was just to busy to hear me. I just wanted to feel better and not have all of this pain anymore. I kept thinking that it was just around the corner, that acceptance and healing for my heart. I didn't hear a thing. Not one tiny word.
So I took matters into my own hands. I used my eating disorder to try to eliminate my pain. I thought that by doing so, I could make the pain go away and get over the death of dad. Well you can guess how well that worked for me It didn't. It only lead me down a path that would eventually make me very, very sick. After months of this behavior, I passed out and ended up in the hospital.
It was at this point I realized that the pain was no less and I had added additional pain to not only myself but my family. I could still feel this heaviness on my shoulders and in my chest that was not medical but was still there physically. It was a loneliness so profound that words can never describe it. I cried out to God at this point and begged Him to please help me. I could no longer live this way.
I realized that I had lost my faith in God. That I had allowed the world to slowly creep in and push God out. I could no longer hear his voice. I don't know that I would have even if He had yelled at me. I just couldn't feel Him in my life anymore. It wasn't that God had left me, but rather, I who had turned away from Him.
Slowly during treatment, I began to hear that voice again. I knew my faith needed to grow in order for His voice to become louder in my daily life. That's when I read it. Hebrews 11:6. " And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." That's when the light bulb went on. I needed to seek Him again. The way I always had before. But the question I had to as myself was how do I do this when I am angry at Him about not answering my prayers about my dad?
That's when He whispered to me, "Cry out to Me. I am waiting. Trust and believe." I cried out to Him in that moment. "Father God, help my unbelief. Help me to desire to seek you. I don't know how to get to that place of trust again but I really need it. I want to find You again. I need You in my life, not just when things are bad, but in everyday. I want to have a closer relationship with You now, not when I get to heaven. I want to begin to see Your hand in my life daily. Open my eyes so I can begin to see you in small and profound ways. I want You to change my heart Lord so I can see you in my life and in the things and people that surround me daily. Continue to speak Your word into my life daily. Help heal me from this darkness that has infiltrated my life. I want Your light in my life again."
I now know that I must actively Look for God in the details of life daily. I must seek Him and in doing so I will see and hear what He has for me daily. It is never easy because the more I seek Him, the harder the evil one is going to fight to convince me that God doesn't really care about me. I know that this is not true and must stay vigilant to prevent him from getting me to believe this lie. You can know this truth to. You just have to trust that God is truly interested in you and what is going on in your life. You can't fall into the lie that we are not important to God. He loves us and wants the best for us.
Its this truth that has lead me out of the darkness and back into the light. I know that everyday I can seek and have a deeper more meaningful relationship with my heavenly Father. My earthly daddy may be gone, but God will never leave or forsake me. Thank You Father for your unconditional love. Amen.
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