So the last 2 days have been really rough. I really was not sure what was going on inside of me as the emotions were so powerful that I didn't know how to feel them or express them. Finally they just exploded on Monday. I liken it to shaking up a soda and then opening it. It explodes everywhere. Well that's what happened to me. I kept loading more and more emotions inside and finally, they exploded.
I was sitting at dinner and just started to cry. I kept telling myself to just breathe through it but I couldn't. It felt like all of a sudden I was hit smack in the face with all the losses I have experienced through life. Loss of innocence, loss of my childhood, loss of loved ones. And let me tell you, having it all his at once was not fun. It hurt so deeply it felt like I was going to die from it. It felt like I was drowning in it and there was no help in sight.
I finally was able to leave the dining room and go out into the fireplace room and get myself under control. It was only with the help of one of the M.C's that I was able to stop crying so hard and breathe. I was seeing stars and I am sure I was hyper-ventilating. It was so scary to have such powerful emotion take over my whole being. I couldn't even think of anything but the loss. And it kept washing over me.
The MC started talking to me and finally got through. She helped me to slow my breathing down enough so the I could finally sit up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I could focus on her voice and on the air I was taking into my lungs and then exhaling out. To be in tune with what my body was doing and what I was truly feeling. Once under control, I was finally able to talk.
I told her that it was like as if my dad, grandma, uncle and cousin had all died at once. Also my sister since she is no longer talking to me. All that loss at one time felt entirely to overwhelming. I felt like I was being crushed by it. It was so horrible. So exhausting. So suffocating. And it was something I didn't want to let happen. I felt so embarrassed. Like everyone was looking at me and saying, "look at her." What's the matter with her?" "Drama Queen." And many other ugly things I have heard throughout my life. Things that made me feel ugly, unworthy, unwanted and unwelcome. Things that I have kept tucked deep down inside.
The hurt and ugliness that was done to me as a child came roaring back. It is not something I wanted to think about or to face. And the loss of my eating disorder. It has been such a part of me for so long, I am terrified about who am I now without it. Of course I am sure it is still lurking somewhere but I am choosing not to give it space. I am choosing not to let it crowd out the good things I am learning here. I want this recovery so that I can finally relax in my life. To not feel like I need to always be keeping the secret or to be hiding things all the time. To enjoy time with family without the eating disorder taking me away from the memories I could be creating.
I am beginning to feel like it is possible for me to separate from it and truly let it go. Like it is no longer alive and living in me. Controlling my every move, every thought, every moment. I feel like it is outside of me and without being in me anymore that it is losing its grip on me. And also losing its life source. Only I can give it life and by choosing to push it away from me, it will die. Of that I must keep hoping. If it doesn't, then I could.
So today was the first day I really felt like I could beat this. Like I could give it up and it won't kill me. It isn't who I am anymore. And I won't look back and say that it was who I was either. I don't want to give it power over me anymore. I want to live free of it.
And so, I have chosen to release the dam and let it all flow away from me. To cleanse me of it. To truly know freedom.
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