Listening

     So tonight as I am sitting on the balcony, I am just listening. There are cars driving by, planes flying overhead and crickets chirping. The crickets chirping makes me think of home. Of the quietness of the night. Here nighttime is always noisy. It is the city and there is always someone going somewhere. And the lights. So many lights that it makes it so very hard to sleep. So many things that distract me from getting good, solid sleep.

     So it got me to thinking. We had a lesson in which we practiced listening to someone else and then repeating back what they said. Others in the room were talking or making noise, there was noise out in the hall, and the room we were in is next to a bathroom so you could hear noise from there as well. All of it was very distracting. Made it very hard to concentrate on the person talking.

     I thought about how many times when I am talking to someone, I kind of pick and choose what I listen to. If it isn't something I am interested in, I may zone out. I may start thinking about other things while sitting there listening to them. And I thought wow. How does it make me feel when I think that someone is not listening to me? It doesn't feel good that's for sure. It makes you feel like that person doesn't even think that I am important enough to really pay attention to. That is sad.

     So if I notice that someone is not really paying attention to me, I might just stop talking or say never mind. And if it happens enough times, I feel like what I have to say is not valid. Its not something worth any ones time. It shuts me down. I lose my "voice".  That is to say that I am not able to express my needs. And to be honest. This really hurts. I don't like it and then I get upset that I feel angry. Then I feel guilty.

    I am also learning that it is not only important to listen to others but it is critical that I begin to listen to myself. Listen not just to what my mind might be trying to say to me but to listen to what my body language is. What reaction is my physical self having in any given situation? Am I getting nervous, anxious, angry, sad. What physical bodily changes are happening and what do they mean. Maybe sometimes I do not realize that I am felling a certain way and  if I could learn to listen to my body, it will give me clues.

     If I learn this self listening and not just the noise that is always running through my mind, but really listen, I begin to discover who I am and what makes me tick. I start to notice things and I can begin to allow myself to feel things that normally I just shut off. I don't allow myself to feel or to listen to the signals my body may be trying to tell me. I suppress and by doing so it costs me. I like to think of it like filling a bottle. You can only fill a bottle so much. Once it is full, it has to escape somehow. It either gets a slow leak or it explodes. And when bottles explode, it really makes a mess.

     That is what I have been doing by hiding in my eating disorder. I shove the feelings inside until there is no more room. Once I feel full, I have to let it out. This means I will binge to try to hide the feelings, then I purge in order to make room for more feelings. The problem with this is that I never address the feelings. I never fully explore what they are and just let myself feel them. I feel the tension constantly there because I never really let all of it out. By only making a little room and then stuffing the feelings down again, I hurt myself even more. The feelings never get addressed and I never deal with them. They just get shuffled around and then put back in the bottle. Again the pressure builds.

     So by becoming more aware of this and by accepting the knowledge that it is ok to feel, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to see that I don't have to live my life hiding my emotions. Yes emotions make people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should hide or stuff them down. You need to let them out and most people will not judge you for them. They will come along side you and help you to let them out. I just need to be willing to let myself, first of all, feel them, and second to let others know that I am feeling them. Not just anyone, because there are those who won't be helpful, but those who I can trust and I know have my best interest at heart.

     I know that by doing this, I am heading towards recover. To complete and total healing. I know it won't be easy. The road to recovery is a long and arduous one, but in the end I know I will find peace. I will find self-worth and self-love. I will finally get to meet myself, the real me, the me who was always there but always hiding under the surface. I am getting excited to see who that is and to get to really know her. To embrace her and to let her live.