As we started out, the trail was nice. Pretty level and not to hard. We walked through a beautiful aspen grove all the while hearing the river rushing by us. It was such a peaceful sound. We laughed and talked and we were very confident. This was going to be an easy hike and we laughed about how our son had declined to come with us because he thought it would be to rough and take to long. Well....
Our first indicator that maybe the hike wasn't going to be so easy came when we got to a section about 20 minutes into the hike. My husband decided to go the low route and I decided to climb up and over. Well as it turns out, he choose the easy path and mine was a struggle. I had to fight to find places to put my hands and feet so that I would not slide down the rock face and break my neck in the river. I had to use every muscle in my body just to keep myself going. 
Now don't think that my husbands choice was so easy. He to had some struggles but it was not as hard as mine. He had to make sure he placed his feet in the right spot in the river so as not to fall in and soak his self as well as the pack holding all that we needed. This happened several more times along the trail. I would think I knew which way was easier, but found out each time that it was not. My sweet husband never even told me, "I told you so," even though he had every right to. After about 2 hours, we finally made it to the waterfall. We were worn out and weak but we felt like we had accomplished something. We were rewarded by the beautiful site. The waterfall was spectacular and well worth the hike. The rocks surrounding us stretched up to the sky. The cool breeze blowing through the canyon felt so wonderful. It was so relaxing. Then came the realization that we had to hike back out. We had to climb back up the mountain and follow the path back. UGH!
As we started back up the steep climb, I felt a gentle voice say to me, "Choose Your Path." I looked at my husband but it wasn't he who had spoken to me. I wanted to cry because I felt like I had no strength to get back up the rocks and hike all the way back to our truck let alone choose the right path. After all, getting there I seemed to make all the wrong choices. I wanted to just tell my husband to go ahead and leave me there. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to take another step. The voice spoke again this time telling me, "You chose this path, now finish the journey."
It was then I realized that this hike was just like the eating disorder Journey I have been on. You see, all those years ago, I made a choice. I decided to follow the path that was so much harder. The path that led me into the darkness of the disease. The path that, although I thought it was easy, was so hard to traverse. The path with unsure footing and large boulders in the way. The one that took so much longer to reach the same destination. What a fool I was when I knew that the path I was choosing was the wrong one, kind of like our hike yesterday. And the hardest part isn't getting to where I am now. It's the path back.
I don't want anyone to think that this is going to be easy for me. I have to be away from my family and friends, my job, my house, my dog and everything I am familiar with. Like the hike I was on yesterday, I must push outside of my comfort zone and probably outside of what I think I am capable of dealing with. I have always had my husband to turn to when I feel like I can't handle something. This time it's just me and God, oh and my treatment team.
I made my grief what it is today and although no one who was in their right mind would choose this path, I know that good will come out of it. The journey will hopefully teach me virtue, wisdom, compassion, give me insight, patience, character and empathy. And as I learn to lean in deeper, an intimate relationship with the One who created me. There has been tears, heartache and pain but I believe that God has been with me along path I have taken. He has just been waiting for me to realize I chose the wrong path.
The trek back was hard but this time I listened to my husband. I followed where he led and stepped where he stepped. I allowed him to help me when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own. So even though the journey is hard, uses parts of me that I have never tapped into, takes me back to places I would never choose to go, I know that God, my husband, my family and my friends will be there to help. I just need to let them. I need to accept help so that I will learn and I will grow. And I will gain the treasures that grief offers just as I learned the treasures that the hike kept hidden. Without the journey, you never see that.
I leave today's blog with a verse that is going to help me along this path. Romans 5: 3-5. "And not only this, but we also exult n our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
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