I was up extremely early today. Lately I have been sleeping until 7 and waking up feeling rushed. I would rush to get up, get coffee made, watch the news, get showered, get dressed and rush off to work. I have been pushing myself so hard thinking that if I just keep busy enough, I won't hurt as much. If I focus on everyone else and their needs, I won't have to focus on my loss. I can just breeze through my day with a smile on my face and no one will see the hurt underneath. Well it all came to a screeching halt yesterday.
I got up and did my normal rush. Got to work, did what needed to be done. I was trying so hard to get everything just the way everyone wanted it. I felt the pressure building like it does everyday, but I promptly pushed it back down where I have been keeping it. If I ignore it, it can't bother me. Right before we went over for lunch, I felt a little dizziness, but like with all things lately, I pushed it to the side as well.
We went over to the hospital to get our lunch like every other day. As I walked around I felt the room tilt a little bit. Not bad, but enough it made me dizzy. As I waited in line to get my soup it hit, I was going to pass out. I got like this weird sinking feeling with the dizziness. It was awful. I looked at my co-worker and told her, I think I am going to pass out. That's all I remember until I was looking up at a nurse in the emergency room.
I was so scared, I was crying and I didn't really know what had happened. My co-worker took my phone and called my husband. I laid there feeling helpless as the dizziness kept coming in waves. They checked my blood sugar and asked if I had any health issues? I told them no. They then took me to a room. I laid there wondering what in the world was happening. I didn't understand. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the bulimia. It's been way out of control since dad died and that might be what caused this.
I began to cry even harder and tried to tell the nurses. I looked around the room at each of their faces and I felt so ashamed. How was I going to tell these people what I have been doing? I'm a nurse, shouldn't I know better? Are they going to look at me with disgust and judgment? This is what has kept it my secret for all these years. I don't want others to know what I do. It's shameful How can I say I am a Christian and have this problem, or a nurse and have this problem. But I must, I have to get it out. Its been eating at me for years. I need to share.
So I tell them. I wait for their faces to change to disgust, for them to look at me like I am diseased. Like I have just grown two heads. To see judgment in their eyes. But it doesn't come. No looks of disgust, or revulsion. No one looks at me like I have two heads. No judgment in their eyes. I just see concern and compassion. This can't be right. They are supposed to be disappointed in me. They are supposed to tell me how stupid I am, that I should know better being a nurse and all, but they don't.
I feel a little relief but I am also scared. Someone knows now. I have to tell my husband how bad it has gotten. I can't hide from it any more. I have to face the truth. I am a bulimic and I need help. I need to seek treatment so that I can get healthy again. I want to be around and see my kids and my grand kids. I want to grow old with my husband. 26 years isn't enough time. I need more and the only way I can get it is to face facts, face the truth, be honest and get help. No more hiding. No more shame. NO more feeling like I am not worth anything. Its time to take care of me. I have to or I won't be here for very long.
So knowing all this, I begin my journey to recovery. I have researched several things on my bulimia and what health risks it poses. Its not good. Most people with untreated eating disorders die young. It causes all kinds of health issues and even death. It's very dangerous. And what makes it even more so is that it is often missed by family, friends and even health care professionals. Unless someone is anorexic which has a physical manifestation, bulimics just continue to go on living their lie. Most bulimics are of normal size or a little over weight. You can't look at them and see a physical change that would indicate something is going on. Most are over achievers. They excel academically and at work. They don't look like someone who has a problem. They look like me.
Well after reading this information, I realize it describes me to a tee. I realize that I am tired of living like this. I have ruined the voice God blessed me with. My teeth are damaged from years of doing this. My metabolism stinks now. I have really done a number on myself. I thought I was doing it so I could feel in control of my life, but I realize now, it was controlling me. Not good. I need help and I am at a point now where I have to stop worrying about everyone else and start worrying about me. I can't live this way anymore. It is killing me slowly but surely and unless I want my family planning a funeral, I know I have to stop it now.
I can't worry about everything else right now. I can't think about my bills, my work, my co-workers, what others might think of me. I have to think of me and my family. They need me and in order for me to be around for them, I have to reach out and ask for help. I need to be brave and admit I have a problem. I need to be honest and tell them the truth about my eating disorder and how out of control it is. I need to take back MY LIFE!!!! I need to just Breathe.
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