Good morning. It's a beautiful morning here as I sit out on my back porch and think about all that is about to unfold in my life. I will be leaving my husband, son, daughter-in-law and grand daughter as I embark on my journey to healing. I worry about how things will be taken care of while I am gone. I worry about my husband being all alone. I know I will miss everyone. But I have a hope that at the end of this journey, I will finally like myself and see in myself what others always say they see in me.
I would like to give a tiny bit of insight into eating disorders before I talk about my subject today. I read this in a book I check out at the library. I wanted to understand a little bit more about why a person would even get into an eating disorder. I will just post a little excerpt from the book. It is written by Jim Kirkpatrick and Paul Caldwell. The title is, "Eating Disorders, Everything you need to Know." I want people to understand that it is not a choice people want to really make but sometimes feel compelled to do.
This is just a small box in the beginning of the book that is titled, "What do people feel their disorders are about." "There about control, fear, problems of identity (especially issues that arise from being a woman and the demands and expectations projected at women), and our culture's obsession with image and a narrowly defined "beauty." "They are not about honoring the self. They're about fear and isolation." "Insecurity." "An obsession to be thin." (Kirckpatrick, Jim, Paul Caldwell. Eating disorders. Everything You Need To Know. Buffalo, N.Y.: Firefly Books, 2004
So I see that an eating disorder can evolve from many things. But why? Why would anyone chose this. Why would I chose this? That is the biggest question in my mind. So now I need to think about why would I do this. What made me feel so unworthy that this was the choice I made.
I have never felt beautiful. Even as a young child, I felt awkward about myself and my body. This probably had a lot to do with the things that happened to me as a child. I will not re-address that here as I have already spoken about it in an earlier blog, but this is when I think things started for me. The only time I felt worth something was when I would sing. But that took time to develop and even though I could sing well, I still felt very shy around others. Singing was something I could do well and even though I felt ugly on the outside, I felt beauty in my voice.
Ugly duckling would not even begin to describe how I felt about myself when I was younger and I had no hope of eventually becoming a swan like the, "duck" does in the book. But through this journey I plan to change this.
You see, a few years ago, we went to the Smithsonian while visiting our son in DC. We were able to see the Hope Diamond while there. At first I wasn't very impressed because I expected it to be even bigger than it was. However, I read the information plate that was near the diamond. It explained how a diamond begins as a carbon at least 93 miles below the earth. It must then be exposed to incredible heat, around 2000 Farenheit, and the heat must be precise. After being formed it must then go through a series of volcanic eruptions over many years in order to work their way to the surface where they are found. No one would want to wear a ring of carbon but a diamond is a different story. They are beautiful.
You may ask why am I talking about this? Well let me explain.
You see, diamonds don't start out beautiful. They must be transformed into such beauty. This only comes about with great heat and pressure. The rock above the diamond must bear down on it in order to create it while the heat and magma push up from below it. I believe in the same way, God can transform me from the ugliness of my disease, into the beautiful person he always wanted me to be. Of course now having said this, I realize that there will be great heat and pressure needed to take who I have been, and transform me into what He wants me to be.
God loves me and desires that I shine for Him. This of course means that I am going to have to endure intense pressure, heat, challenges and discomfort through this journey. This is only because God wants to be the one to carry me to the surface. To be the One to bring me out of this pit of grief I have been living in for years always thinking that I was in control. He wants to transform me so that maybe, just maybe, I can offer some hope to those who are out there hurting like I am. It doesn't even have to be the same grief I'm experiencing. Any form really. But the important thing is, He wants me to know I am not doing it by my power. It is His and only His.
So I have been given a very important choice. A diamond can only be formed at a certain point in the earths layer. If its to low and it won't form, to high and it becomes weakened graphite. So, will I chose to allow God to bring me through the heat, turmoil, pain, and grief at just the right point and transform me into the diamond, or will I try to make it on my own and become the graphite that just falls apart?
This grief has really knocked me for a loop. It's beaten me down in a way I never thought possible. It has taken me into the miry pit. Into depths I wish I never had to experience. And I know that this is not a simple fix. It won't happen over night. It will take time, courage, strength and dedication. My hope is that others will see my deep struggle and that God will call me into His divine purpose. One that will allow me to help others who are going through the same trials. Struggling just to find meaning. Wondering if this is all there is to life. Living the lie.
I pray one day that I to can be a jewel in His crown. To be a Diamond of Hope to those experiencing heartache. And to finally see my Worth.
Father, I pray that today, you would begin the necessary transformation in me. That you would make my heart and life flexible, moldable, and usable to You. That You would show me my value and worth, not as man deems Lord, but as You deem. And that Lord, not only would you do this, but that you would allow me to help others once my journey has come to a point were I am able. Let Your light continue to Shine in and through me Lord so that others can come to know You. Give me the strength to get through this trial and to come out better. I no longer want to feel un-worthy. And Lord, I pray for all of those who might read my humble writing, so that they to Lord will know their worth. And Lord that they may come to know you.
Amen!
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