I survived

     So I survived my first day in treatment, or as they call it, recovery.  To be honest, it was very intense. I am so very exhausted.  It was a lot of talking, crying and walking up and down stairs. The staff is wonderful though. Everyone really listens to you and are very sweet. It also included a lot of paperwork. My eyes hurt and my head is aching a little.

      I also got moved in to my  apartment here. I then went back to the treatment center to complete my intake. That was tough. I had to say goodbye to Ed earlier and then go and talk to all these strangers about how I got here. All together it was a very uncomfortable and emotional day. By the time we finished and I got back to my room, I had a massive headache. I called Ed and begged him to come an get me. I didn't want to be here anymore and I felt like I could go home and be ok.

     Well Ed said no of course. I do need to be here. I know that but there are times I just want to go home. I just want to do what I know. Not the bulimia, just go back to work and be at home with my husband. I want to clean or do dishes in my own house. To live my life. But that isn't my life anymore. My life now is here in treatment for awhile. I know I can do this.

     So I caught myself asking God why He would have allowed me to get to this point. Of course He had to remind me that I have free will. That I get to choose what I do with my life. He is not going to force anyone, including me, into doing something. We get the choice. I get the choice. And unfortunately, I made the wrong choices and ended up here.

     I am learning that it is ok to express my feelings here. I had a session where I started to cry and then stopped myself. The counselor told me to stop holding my feelings in. He asked what I would do that. I Told him that I don't feel like it is ok to cry. That I had been told in the past not to cry and so I tried to train myself no to. I try to hold it in as much as I can. It gets out some times but I rein it in quickly and get myself back under control. He said to let it out. So I talked about the pain of the loss of my dad and I cried so hard I was sobbing. I was embarrassed but it felt good to let it out.

     I am learning that I need to express how I am feeling and quit jamming my feelings down inside. I wonder if this isn't why I do what I do. Is  it because I have shoved so many feelings inside that I had no room for the food? Or that I was so full of emotions and feelings that I just tried to purge them out by doing what I did? These are things I hope to begin exploring as I go through treatment. I want to be set free from all of the thoughts I have around food. I want to be able to walk through a day without constantly wondering what I am going to eat and whether it is that I call an acceptable food. I want to stop focusing on my body so much that I never feel happy anymore.

     I am learning to look at these feelings and not feel ashamed of them. Talk about things and be honest. I have always been a peace maker even to the extent that I have hurt myself by always putting others before me. I have to learn that I am important and that I am ok. My needs have to come before everyone else because if I don't take care of me first, I won't be around to take care of others. This is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I have been taking care of others since I was little. I have been so worried about others that I tuck all my feelings inside so I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I now see that this wasn't fair to me.

     I am learning that it is ok to feel sad, angry, happy and just blah sometimes. I don't always have to present a happy face. Life is going to throw things at me that I need to learn how to handle. Unkind words, family conflict, illness, rejection, financial problems, and disappointment. When I feel like I am in a challenging moment I need to learn how to handle it and deal with it, not shove it inside and hold on to it. I need to remember that I am never alone. God is always with me, That He is walking beside me and when need be, He will carry me. He is there to help me each and every day to live a life of peace and a life of value. I must begin to understand that I have value, I mean something to someone. That no matter my circumstances, I MATTER. 

     I need just ask God and He will answer. He will listen to me and He genuinely cares about everything I am going through. He knows what I need even before I ask, He listens to me when I cry out to Him. He is always there from the brightest day to the darkest night. He created me and He loves me. I now need to learn to love myself. I need to recognize that I have value, meaning and worth.  There is so much more to me then just my outward appearance. I have a heart, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, honesty, integrity, loyalty. I more than my disorder, I am Carrie, I am valued and loved by my family and friends and I am not alone in this journey.

     So begins day three of my treatment. I have high hopes and a positive attitude about today. I know that this is the day that the Lord has mad and that I will be rejoicing and I will be glad. And no matter what emotions I experience today, they will not destroy me. I can feel them and let them out and I will be ok. Once I accept this, I can begin to truly heal. I continue to pray that each and every day God will do a good work in me. That He will be with all of my caretakers and that He give them the wisdom and the knowledge to do what needs to be done to get me whole and get me home.

     I pray that everyone have a truly blessed day. That God touch all the hurting hearts that I am here with. That He begin to heal each and everyone so that they can return to life and live, not just exist. I pray for all my family at home and elsewhere, may God put His angels about you and may your day be blessed. And to all my friends, that God would fill your lives with Joy and Peace.