Change

     So tomorrow I leave for treatment. I am very anxious about the whole thing. I worry, will I really be able to get better, can they help me, what will I have to eat, how can I do this without Ed. I want to scream and cry, I want to take back the fact that I even told anyone about my disorder so I can just go back to living. But that wasn't really living and I don't really want to go back.

     Its raining so beautifully outside right now. It reminds me that this treatment is like the rain. I will have to endure the storm. The wind, rain, lightening and thunder, and maybe even a little hail. I will be blown around a bit, but in the end I will be washed. Not new, because new would mean no longer me, but washed. I can except that.

     I love the rain and the way it makes everything feel clean. It smells fresh. It looks clean. It gives life giving water and helps things to grow. And so I must face my treatment with the same attitude. It will make me feel clean, fresh, and help me grow. It will take who I am and help me to see. It will show me where I need to change so I can be better.

     I am going to have to learn to stay and not to run from things. When I was little and there was a rain storm I would run and hide. So I have done with many things in my life. As I have gotten older, I have learned to stay and not run. I will do the same with this treatment. I will stay and not run. I will not give into the fear that tells me to hide or deny. I will not feel unworthy of help. I will not try to do this alone any more.

     I thought coming out and telling everyone about my eating disorder was going to be hard but I think leaving tomorrow for treatment will be harder. I think the initial week will be the hardest to adjust to. I will have to learn to rely on others to step in and be in control. To know what is best for me and I know I don't do so well with that. But I will learn.

     They say the only sure thing in this world is change. Everything changes. And so will I.