It is very early in the morning. I am packed and ready to go. I didn't sleep so well last night. I had weird dreams. I guess my body was just responding to my, I don't want to say fear, but the slightly anxious feelings I am having about going into treatment.
They say the hardest part of recovering from anything is the 1st step. That is admitting you have a problem. Telling someone else about the inner turmoil, the silent grief. It is a very hard part. The second is making the choice to no longer live in that grief, allowing it to drag you down. Its like being in muck and mire and deciding you want to clean it off.
The third, and what I think is hardest part for me to this point, is leaving and going into treatment. I know I said this before, but stepping out of my comfort zone and letting someone else be in control is scaring me to pieces. I know that for me, the eating disorder was a way to feel in control of my life. By doing this, I am giving up that thought process. I am going to learn to be in control of my health. I am going to no longer be out of control.
I realize now that I was never in control of this disease. It always controlled me. What I ate, where I went, how I felt about my self as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and yes as a person. It determined what food was good and what was bad. What I could eat and keep in and what needed to be purged. It tells me that I am ugly and fat and need to always watch what I eat, how much I eat and how much exercise I needed to do.
So I am tired of all of this. I am tired of living to eat. I am tired of food controlling me. Of society telling me that I am not good enough if I don't look a certain way. I am ready for the change. Scared yes, but oh so ready. As I read in Luke 4:18 today I am ready to be Set free from all of the oppression this disease has put in my life. I am ready to be happy again. To feel alive.
And so it begins. I am leaving now. The 1st step is today.
Father, You are the Author of my life. You know what it is I need. I trust in You. I lean on You. I know that You, and not I, are in control. I pray not that my will but Lord, Your will be done in my life. I know that you will guide my path, build me up, strengthen and grow me through this experience. I no longer leave with trepidation but with rejoicing in my heart that I am going to be healed. I know that You are by my side through this whole thing and that you will continue to be with me. Thank You Father for all of your love. Amen
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