WHY?

      There are days when the struggle is still there, and I struggle the most with the WHY?  I know that in heartache it is probably normal to ask God why? Why would He allow this to happen to me? Why would he take my loved one? Why would He allow me to lose my job?  I remember that even Jesus and David questioned God.

     I need to turn to God with these hard questions. I need to seek His heart. And I need to ask myself why am I questioning His decisions in my life. Is it because I am ready to submit to Him, or is it because I disagree and want to rebel against Him?

     To ask in a way that is to lift up my heart to God, I start on a path to truly seek to understand how I can submit my will to God's will.   But if I don't come into agreement with what God is telling me, it is a way of disagreeing with Him and refusing to follow His will. If I choose this way, I am starting myself down the path of bitterness which eventually will lead me to more heartache and loss. 

     Today I am going to God with my questions. I am asking not assuming I will get an answer today, but knowing that in God's timing, I will get my answer.  It might not be the answer that I want either. Sometimes His answer is no, and that is ok. I know that everyone who grieves wants answers, to have there heart and their lives back to normal, but I accept that I will have to struggle through the pain so that my life can have even more purpose.

     I am tired of trying to end my own grief, trying to figure it out on my own. Trying to figure out the WHY?  The only one who can do this is God. I need to go to Him and ask those hard questions, to grow through my grief, to maybe even wrestle with God in a respectful way and submitting my heart to Him, and to ask Him to carry me through the pain. I want to boldly ask Him to make something good come out of the heartache I am surviving.

     I am pleading with my God to teach me the spiritual and life lessons that will be needed to help me through this grief and eventually, to use me to help others as they start asking the WHY?. To allow those around me to see the light of Christ, and for my story to allow others to see that grief doesn't have to destroy you. 

     In the word, God teaches me that when I wrestle God, the reward is a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. That I will receive the crown of life that He has promised to all that love Him.  Today I got alone with God, I poured out my heart to him, and I asked Him some of those tough questions. I begged Him to meet me right where I am. I opened up to Him and was honest about where I am in my journey of grief. I shared my thoughts and my feeling knowing that He already knows them all. He just wants to hear me speak them.

     I just want to say that if you choose to go to Him and ask those hard questions, don't worry if you don't get an answer. The most important thing is that you find God's heart. I went to God about my eating disorder, I opened up and was honest about my struggles. I admitted that I did not have the strength to do it on my own after years of trying to figure it out alone.

      We don't have to do it alone. We have someone who is there with us all the time. God can help me to balance my life and my broken heart. I know that He truly desires that I make it through this grief and have the life that He always intended for me to have. In spite of my grief over the loss of my dad, letting go of my eating disorder, losing my job, and living in a new town where I know no one, He is there for me, just like he can be there for you.

     I am praying that God will begin a new work in my life. I am ready to go forward to whatever God is calling me to. I know that He has an amazing plan for me once I come out of my grief.  Well even before I get out of my grief.  I am trusting that He has a plan for my life for a job, and whatever else He is calling me to. I am open Father, do the work in me that will make me an instrument for Your glory. Help me to love those around me in the way that You do.

     James 1 is the verse I standing on today. It speaks to what I need to know. I am drawing closer to God everyday.