Reality

     I talked to a few of my friends from treatment today. They all concur that reality is a lot tougher than being in treatment. I have to agree. I mean, I don't wish to go back, its just that in treatment you focus on yourself all day long. At home you have everyone else to worry about. It kind of makes it hard to concentrate on yourself when you have the demands of the world or just your daily life.

     I came home and immediately we took a short trip to see a friend of Ed's. The following week I had to drive out to California to pick up my son. When I finally got home, I had to start unpacking because we moved to this house while my dad was sick, and I wasn't really here to help with the move. So there are a few things I have been trying to get straightened out around here. And lots to still unpack and figure out where I want to put it.

     I can imagine that all the others who went home before, and after, I did are finding some similar struggles. Life kind of smacks you around a bit when you first get home from treatment. It would be all to easy to fall into familiar patterns, but I know that is not what I want. I worked hard for my recovery, and to start getting to know myself. I am starting to like myself and learning how to speak to my needs. That is the hard part for me.

     I don't really struggle with eating disorder desires, mostly with just knowing when and how to speak up for myself. How to voice my needs without hurting those I am speaking to. How to let people know what it is I need and not to feel like a burden. Throw in trying to find a new job, applying, interviewing, the whole 9 yards, and you can see why I am a bit overwhelmed.

     Its ok though. The challenges I mean. They are helping me to work towards recovery and a more normal life. They push me further into the arms of Jesus. I am relying on God much more these days. Not trying to think that I have to do it all by myself. And reaching out and asking for help when I need it. That part is new to me as well.

     Not that I never asked for help before, its just that I would ask and than say never mind. I am ok. I always felt like I was imposing on others when I asked for their help. And even when they seemed more than willing, I still felt guilty. It sounds weird I know, but it just was the way my brain was wired. I am uncrossing some of those wires now. Learning that when someone offers to help you, they really mean it.

     Learning that people really do care and that I don't have to do something for them just to get them to, that is new. Learning to trust that I am not a burden, or unworthy of that help, feels kind of nice. I know that I am not perfect at it yet, I probably never will be, but I am working on being better at it. With the help of my therapist, I am learning to let go of a bunch of things that occupied a lot of space in my life. Things that had no business there.

     Life in reality isn't easy for anyone. I am not alone in this thinking. I just know that life without God would make it a million times worse. I am thankful for His mercy and love. I am thankful for the family, friends and those who are helping me through this right now. Without the help and prayers, there is no telling where I would be right now. I know its hard, and it will be harder at times, but I am learning that I am a fighter. I have strength and endurance. I may get slapped with life sometimes, and it may even seem like it is winning, but in the end, I am still standing, a bit wobbly maybe, but standing non the less.

     Hang in there. Reality isn't the big scary monster it tries to pretend to be. Give yourself credit, your strength has brought you this far. And for those who cry out for help when they can't do it alone anymore, your strength is even greater than those who try to go it alone. Until tomorrow, sweet dreams, God's blessings, and keep on keepin on.