New beginnings.

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

     My life had not turned out the way I wanted it to. Things had become such a mess. I was so caught up in the idea that I was fat and that no one really liked me. Oh yeah, I smiled and laughed and acted like everything was fine, but truly it wasn't.

     I felt ugly, not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I could not figure out how to be a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. I could only see the failure in my life. Even when people would say something nice about me, I just could not believe it. Its not that I thought they were lying to my face, I just felt like they said these things because they felt like they had to.

     I was headed down a path of destruction. One that was slowly killing me. I was somehow broken and I knew it, I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. Life was one big blur. I didn't really see my family or remember the things we did or said. Its really scary to look back and see that.

     Admitting I had a problem was the first step. Getting into treatment the second. Finally, realizing that trying to do this alone was not working was the most important. This meant  I must come clean. I needed to tell those around me the truth. It cost me a lot. My husband and children's trust, my families trust and my job even. It was hard. But like I said before, it was killing me and I needed to come clean. To become new.

     So how did I change the path I was on? How do I switch directions if the way I am headed is going to kill me?  How do I come to terms with my past and all the things that were done to me, and the things I had chosen to do?  The answer was right there in front of me all along. I just needed to see that I had fallen away from God and I was trying to do life on my own terms. As I discovered, and the hard way I might add, it doesn't work that way.

     Here was my chance. I was given an opportunity to make a change. We are all given new opportunities each and every day. We can change the course we are on. I was struggling so hard to deal with so many things in my life. I didn't even like myself at all but I couldn't figure out how to change that. Going to treatment made that possible. I knew I needed to turn back to God, I just couldn't see through all the other stuff that was piled on top of me. I needed to deal with all of this, "STUFF," so that I could find me. So I could get to know who I truly am, and to deal with my past, once and for all.

     I didn't know who to do this but getting into treatment was going to help me. It gave me the tools I needed to begin to see me. It has been hard because I have felt so buried in grief, doubt, self loathing. Slowly the scales are being peeled away. I am beginning to be able to see who Carrie is. I am starting to get closer to my God again. I am finally able to breathe and live. I know that it is probably hard to understand what it is I am saying, but imagine yourself under water.

     Hear is what my journey felt like. It was like being under water. You can see the surface, its not that far away. Your lungs begin to burn and the pressure of the water around you is growing. You try to kick your feet only find out they are entangled in weeds, rope, and mud. You can't move your legs. You begin to feel light headed and feel very desperate. You know you aren't going to make it. Then you see it, a bright light, some ones hand reaching out to you, and you grab on to it with whatever strength you have left. They pull you slowly up and out of the water. You take in your first gulp of fresh clean air and fill your lungs. Your alive. You have made it.

     That is what I felt like. I knew I was drowning but couldn't get out. I was dying slowly and painfully. And then, at the last minute, when I knew I only had seconds left, that hand reached out. It grasped me firmly and pulled me into the light. Into the fresh air. Out of that dark, murky water.  I was finally able to breathe once more. The weight was lifted and I felt like I might stand a chance.

     I won't lie and say that it has all been easy, this recovery of mine. I struggle still. Maybe not in the way that some do, but its still there. I am not completely comfortable in this new way of living. I mean, for 15 years I was a bulimic. And as sick as it may seem, sometimes I think about it. Not about doing it again, just about it. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I don't ever desire to go back to it, not like before when I would stop for awhile. This time I have kicked it for good. But I still wonder a little bit about who I am without it. 

     But the past, who I was then is not who I am today. Today I am trusting in Christ. I am trusting that He is my savior, and that He has a greater purpose for my life. As I find myself up and out of the murky depths, I ask only that He would breathe new life into me. That God would guide and direct me. I have been and will continue to make the necessary steps to making my life better. I ask for a purpose Lord, for a life that is filled with joy and happiness. I want to feel vibrant Lord, something I don't think I have ever felt and if I have it has been a long time ago. I want to be exactly what You want me to be Lord. Use me and create a beautiful new beginning.