The truth

     So I started this blog to keep a log or record of my recovery from my eating disorder. I would love to say that treatment was a breeze, that I was able to just give up my eating disorder and go merrily about my life. Well that is not the truth. I know that I have experienced all of this for a reason. I want to be like, hey everything is great, but that would not be the truth.

     The truth is it stinks. It has been hard. I hate some things. I feel depressed sometimes. I am not happy all the time. Today I have felt like a failure. I have gained weight, not that I have weighed myself, but my clothes are no longer fitting. It is so FRUSTRATING!!!! I don't want to fall into the trap I was once in, you know that one that says I am not the right size therefore I am not acceptable, but that is where I feel like I am. UGH.

     I have faith that God is working all of this out, I just feel so, I don't know, so blah.  I am tired, out of shape, and struggling. I don't know what to eat anymore, what exercise if any is ok, what I need to be doing. I feel like I am just here, floating with no real place to land. I know that isn't the truth but really what is. I came home so focused, knowing what I wanted and what I needed to do and now I am not so sure. Its not that I expected this to be easy, but come on.

     I am old enough that I should know where and what I need to be doing. I mean, I do know but without my job, without the gym, without my eating disorder, I am just wondering. It isn't a good feeling. I don't like it. I am angry, sad, and confused.

     Ok God, I can hear you again. You are telling me to only speak life giving words. I am hearing Your message. I will choose to speak life in the dark and in the light. I will not give into this lie that I am falling into again. I know what I need to do. What I can do. I don't need someone to tell me what is right and what is wrong for me. You have given me the manual for Life. I just need to stay in it daily and to draw closer to You. I need to just trust the truth that You have given me. And to speak that truth in the world.

      Father God, I am asking you to help me. Help me to know what it is that You are calling me to. Help me to reach out to those who are hurting. To help those who may be struggling. To have faith in the direction you are taking me. I pray that you would give me just the right job. Help me to help others be healthy. I know I can do whatever you set before me. I Trust in You Lord. I am opening myself up to Your calling on my life. I know you are the Way, the Truth and the Light. My life is in Your Hands. Amen!