Getting on with life

     I have been out of treatment now for 3 weeks. Well today is the beginning of week three. Life up to this point at home has been a whirlwind. I have spent more time away from home than I have been at home in the last 2 1/2 months. It has not been ideal. I am finally settling in and getting on track with my dietician.

     I had a little bit of a rough time yesterday. I was kind of upset because of the job situation. Its hard for me to come to terms with the thought that I lost my job because I needed to go into treatment. I mean, I guess I could have just stayed home and found an alternative for treatment, but that has never worked for me in the past.

     I talked to my therapist last night and the rest of the treatment team. I cried again about my dad as I told them about the struggle I suffered after he passed. I just feel so confused about how deeply my depression took me. I have always thought of myself as a person with a deep faith. One that could always turn to God. But for some reason I couldn't even turn to God.   I didn't even realize that I couldn't. 

     I met with my new dietician yesterday and she gave me the go ahead to start working out 4 times a week. She agreed with the plan that I have of doing interval training. She believes that is the best option for me. I also talked to her about my meal plan. She gave me some information that I think will really help me to make the right choices. I just need to be willing to accept what she is telling me so that I can eat they way they are asking me to. Its a struggle but I need to trust that they know what they are doing.

     So after sharing my story, the team talked to me and said some things that shocked me. The said that I have grit. Me? Yes me. They said that in hearing my story, they can see that I am the kind of person that gets knocked down by the storms of life, but then I get back up and keep going. And that I do it and remain positive. They said they were pretty amazed that I could do this. It felt good to hear that. Especially after I have told myself for most of my life that others don't like me or don't care to be around me. I was so wrong.

     I imposed my thoughts on others. That isn't what God intended. I have slowly been learning to like myself. To see that I am more than the awful thoughts I have always had about me. Its not a good thing to beat yourself up but it sure is nice when you can let go of the nastiness you held inside for years. That weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders. I am allowing God to carry the load that He was always meant to carry. And I kind of like the new me.

     I used to think that I needed to become the person I once was but I am learning that it is better to become new. The old me was the one that lead me into my eating disorder. She didn't like herself at all. The new me is starting to see who I am and who I can become. I am open to the change and finding out that I am the kind of person I look for in friends. I like that I am not complaining about things anymore. That is ugly. When people complain all the time, it becomes tiresome for those around them.

     I can't change the things I have done in the past, I can only move forward and embrace the new me. I am looking forward to getting to know the new me each and every day.