A load to heavy.

     As you may have read last night, I was struggling a little bit. I was feeling completely frustrated by the situations and pain that have been in my life for the last few years. It all culminated into the wreck I became in August. I was allowing the weight of the world to bury me. It was a heavy load I was carrying, one that was not meant for me to carry. I was stubborn and thought that I could do it all alone. I was not sharing any of my pain or any of the burdens I was carrying.  What a fool I was.

    God never intended for any of us to travel through life alone, without help, trudging along so weighed down by the misery this world can bring when we think we can do it alone. He states in His word, John 14:26 that Jesus asked His Father to give us a helper. That Helper is the Holy Spirit. He is here to teach us and to help us. To remind us of God's unfailing love for us.  So I am truly never alone in this world. Even if it feels like everyone else has left me.

     I have been deeply hurt in my life. By many people, including people who are Christians. It happens sometimes. This is because as human beings, we are fallible and we can't be exactly like Jesus. But the hurt I am talking about was a serious hurt. A deep hurt that sucked the faith out of me. One that caused me to cry myself to sleep sometimes. One that drove me into a deep darkness. One I couldn't figure out how to get out of.

     Pain had become a constant companion to me. I learned to bear up under that pain at all times. It was awful. The kind of pain that seeps into every aspect of your life. It eats you up. But than I realized that I could just live in that pain, or I could choose to move on. I could actively seek the next chapter in my life or I could die where I was. I had to ask myself, Do I want to overcome my pain? And if I really wanted to, I needed to realize who it was that had really hurt me. I needed to realize that it wasn't man, it was spiritual. The battle I was fighting wasn't against humans but against evil and darkness.

     This made me realize that I needed to trust and lean on God. He was going to be the only one who could help me. I was going to have to come back into relationship with Him. Not just go to church, which I know it is good to fellowship with other believers, but to get into His word daily. To really get into it and also to walk into forgiveness. Forgiveness towards all who had hurt me. Only in this way would I truly heal. Its not easy to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply but I know it is the only way to get past the pain.

    I know now that any pain I have felt was purposed by God. My pain, my deep hurt, was allowed into my life to transform me. It has the ability to bring me to the exact place that God wants me. A place where God can begin a new work in my life. He can start to use me in ways I never even imagined. I just have to be willing to allow His work in my life. To trust that where ever He leads, is exactly where I am supposed to be.  To realize my weaknesses and be willing to work on them.

     My weaknesses are exposed when I choose how to react pain or disappointment. I can walk in the faith that God is in control and react with faith, hope and peace even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are. Or I can choose to react the way the world says I should, with anger, resentment, gossip and ugliness. The choice is mine. I need to just decide who I am going to be. Do I want to show the world what they expect, or do I want to trust and react the way God calls me to.

     When I choose to trust God with my pain and hurt, I allow Him to remove anything from my life that is not what He would have me be. Pain, when met with faith, has a great opportunity to truly transform me. I trust that when God allows pain to enter into my life, He also will limit it. And when I allow this to happen the way God intends it, it will end in triumph. When I begin to see my pain as an act of God, then He can begin to work His will in my life. My pain then becomes the holy work of God.

     I know this seems kind of strange, but in this, God is confirming His love for me. A normal reaction to finding out that God allows this pain in our life would be to turn from Him and to believe that He doesn't really care for me. But it is in these pains, these trials, these hurtful situations, that God can do His greatest work in me. He can change what I have been, strengthen me and then use it to bless others. I trust Him with my life and know that only good will come even out of the deepest pain.

     Lord, I just pray that you would continue do this work in my life. I know that there is pain. I know that there will be disappointment at times, but I trust you. I know that you work all things to good to those who love the Lord. I pray that you would develop in me the character of Christ. I want to love the way you love. To touch lives and have them know that they need only turn to You. I know that with you my life isn't one promised of ease, but one that will be richly blessed. Thank you for all that you have given me. The ability to trust, the strength endure this life, and the love of others that you have blessed me with. Thank you for my many talents. May I only ever use them to glorify you Lord. Amen.