Be strong to Be strong

                     I have not blogged for a long time. Writing has always been something I have done for me. It is cathartic to put a pen to paper, express my inner most feelings, and capture moments of my life. I have also been a storyteller. When I was young, I would hold my mom's friends captive with elaborate stories of travels to other worlds, travel back into time, and mythical creatures. My imagination was full, thoughts always swirling in my head. 

     I would even tell myself stories to fall asleep to, and if I am honest, I still do at times. Stories are a way of escape. You can leave behind all the troubles you have, and travel to different places, different times, and pretend that you are the person in the stories. My stories were a way to express a strength in the characters that I wished I possessed. 

      I always imagined that if I could just speak up for myself, be stronger, say no, that my life would be so much better. I had the right concept, just not the strength to do what my heroines did. To voice opinions, speak my truth, set boundaries. My characters were courageous in the face of danger, while I was even more timid than a house mouse. I would often refer to myself as a door mat. Wow, seeing that in writing kind of stings.

     So, that timid mouse continued to allow others to speak over, push around, intimidate, bully, and harm her.  She walked around on eggshells always fearing that others would see her, recognize her weakness, and then pounce like a cat ready for its next victim. She always had a pit in her stomach, a lump in her throat, and like a rollie poly, was looking for ways to make herself as small and invisible as possible.

     One place I did have a voice, I found out when I was about 3 years old, was in singing. I first started singing while sitting on the organ bench next to my grandmother as she would play and sing. The songs became familiar, and soon I was crooning right along with her. I can even remember the first time someone said man she can sing. There was momentary elation that I was recognized and praised, and then instant fear set in. Why you might ask, well, let me tell you. 

     I was a child of abuse, not from my family, but from strangers. Being abused causes a reaction in your body. People who have been abused can react differently, but my reaction was fear. I learned that being noticed meant I could become a target for those who like to harm children. Those who prowl around looking for those who are timid.

     I have since learned that those who perpetrate, know how to spot a vulnerable person so easily. They become so good at detecting because they have an insatiable appetite and will stop at next to nothing to feed it. I mean, think of the big bad wolf, only they devour your very being, your soul, those very things that give a person confidence. 

     My big bad wolf came in different forms throughout my life. It set me on a path, that as I stepped into adulthood, allowed that same mentality, to continue to dictate how I felt about me. You may not understand it, because it took my therapist nearly two years to help me understand, but I felt like I somehow caused these people to hurt me. I know, looking back now I understand how that was not possible, but as child, a teen, and then an adult, I needed to blame someone for the things that happened, so being the person I had become, it stood out to me that the common denominator in these circumstances was??? You guessed it, ME! 

     So, while your sitting there wondering what is going on, or maybe how someone could blame themselves for the actions of an adult, I have studied and learned that this is common for those who have suffered abuse, physical, mental, and sexual. Yep, you read that right, even child victims of sexual abuse, will blame themselves for actions of an adult. 

     There is so much more to that, but I am not going to go into that right now. What I want to continue with is the way I changed my thought process, healed from 55 years of feeling like I was worth little, the cause of my abuse, and not able to speak up for myself. It was not easy and the work was very painful at times. 

     After years of abuse, and learning how to distract focus off of myself, I was faced with a choice. You see, I knew I was deflecting with my therapist. I knew I was throwing her off course and avoiding discussing the root of my problem. I have to give her so much kudos as she knew what I was doing, but instead of calling me out on it, which some therapists do, she allowed me to process, do other work, until the day I finally said enough is enough, don't let me get off track, here is my story.

     I will never forget how hard it was to walk through each episode of abuse, each instance when I was taken advantage of. I even remember telling her one episode and saying well I did this. She looked at me, asked how old I was, how old the perpetrator was, and the proceeded to tell me I was not at fault. I was at an age I could say no, I was nearing adulthood, but the adult who did this thing was the adult and in no uncertain terms should have done it anyways. 

     Even writing this I can feel that old familiar lump in my throat. It's almost like I swallowed something the wrong way and its stuck.  My therapist said that's because as a child, I could not speak up, my voice was silenced by the adults who hurt me. This, she explained in one of my sessions, is what causes that lump now. It's called a trauma response. It is a survival mechanism that is activated in the sympathetic nervous system. 

     In sessions and classes, and being a nurse, I understand that the sympathetic nervous system released chemicals in our body. These chemicals, cortisol and adrenaline, create a fight or flight response. Energy and anger, anxiety or panic. Now they have discovered 2 more responses which are freeze or fawn, Paralysis, numbness, or pleasing others. All of these responses can cause lasting effects in the body and I mean every part of the body.

     Our bodies if exposed to this trauma for longer periods cause trauma storage. These responses are armoring (defensiveness, shallow breathing, being rigid), weakened immune system (increased susceptibility to illness), chronic pain and disease (due to long term cortisol exposure), and finally disconnection (feeling numb, dissociation, or even a lack of awareness of body). 

     So, I continued to work with my therapist, realizing that through vulnerability, sharing of a story that to most seems like a horror movie, I could begin a healing deep within my brain, reduce that trauma response, and become a stronger adult. I had to be strong, to be strong. Strong enough to share the darkest parts of my stories, work through the fear, learn my worth, and be able to stand up to those who normally would walk all over me.

     No this was not easy for me because I am a very kind person, always thinking about how what I say and do might affect others. In my mind, setting boundaries, speaking my truth, and telling others no made me so uncomfortable. Of course I wasn't doing all of this work just to give up now. I needed to see this through because I was sick and tired of feeling this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat all of the time.

     There was a few times in my life where I stood up for myself, and when I say few, I mean very few. My therapist picked up on that and had me tap into how I felt at those times. I let her know I felt powerful, strong, confident. They were times when I was standing up for others, but I spoke my truth in those times, and was vocal, not backing down. It felt great.

     Using that information, my therapist began helping me tap into that. So, I had been working at a job where I was being treated so bad. No matter what I did, said, or the hours I worked, I was told it was not enough, I was not enough, that everything I did was not enough. I was also made to feel that if I stuck up for myself, I was I was in the wrong. 

     It came to a point where I was called into the office, others were there, I was literally ambushed by people I trusted, those I thought were my friends and in my corner. The worst part was my direct supervisor was leading the ambush. I felt that old familiar knot in my stomach, lump in my throat, and inablity to speak or move, and I had had it. I was done!!!!

     I stood up and said I am done. I walked out, completed my day, and went home and wrote my immediate resignation. It was hard because I loved my job. I called my therapist, shared my resignation letter, and for the first time in my life, I chose me. It was so scary, and I wasn't sure how it would turn out, but I trusted in God, walked to the edge, and jumped.

     What a feeling. A strength I had never felt in my life came forth and I spoke my truth. It was liberating, like a weight was lifted, and for once in my life, the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat were gone. I could breathe, a deep, unencumbered breath. Freedom like I have never felt and a relief. It was the beginning to a new life, one I had only ever dreamed of, one where I finally had a voice! 

     I am never going back again; I couldn't with knowing what I know now. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. No one has the right to push their thoughts or opinions on you. We teach others how to treat us, so I will no longer allow myself to be used as a doormat. I am a beautiful, strong, compassionate, loving, faithful, kind woman. 

The Struggle

      We all struggle. It is just a part of life. Each of us struggle for different reasons, and with different things. It can also depend on the time of year, what is currently happening in our lives, or how we feel about ourselves.

     My struggle lately has just been with everything. I wrestle with myself about my weight, my home, and most of all, and most importantly, my faith. I know this isn't a new topic, but it's been new to me. New because my faith has always been so strong and seen me through so many good, and bad times. Our strength may falter at times, that is a given. 

     My faith has been tested in ways I never thought it would. My father passing, my aunt Mary passing, my children all moving away meaning my grandchildren taken farther away. Job changes, trauma being addressed, and family growing more and more distant. 

     I am not the first, nor will I be the last to experience this. It happens to people the world over, every single day. Some face it with bravery, strength, and faith. Others let it drag them into a deep, dark place from which there appears to be no hope. We look to the negative rather than focusing on God and His promises. 

     The struggle ca be lonely, like you are responsible for carrying the weight on your own. Even if you are married, have family, friends, or a church family, you are lonely. You choose you to try to figure it all out in your own. You are walking through cobwebs that grab and cling in a gossamer blanket. You feel like you can't move, there is no escape. 

     But there is escape. You can make a way and find hope again. You may have to travel through paths you never wanted to find yourself on. There are huge boulders, cliffs, quicksand, and dangers with every step, but if you put your eyes on Jesus, the path will become easier as He guides it. Lean into Him, and trust what He tells you.

     I am working on that. Keeping my focus on the Lord and trusting Him during this journey. It is not easy. So many times, the negative tries to capture my attention, to get me to leave my faith behind and delve headlong into the darkness. 

     God never promised that faith would be easy. That choosing to follow Him would mean our lives would be filled with joy and happiness all the time. What He did promise is that in those dark times, when we feel so lost and cold, we have only to turn to Him, and He will wrap us in His loving arms. He will help us navigate the hard path, and lead us to even ground again. We can trust in Him always. 

Lamp to light the Way

 Psalms 119:105 

Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

      The world can be a dark place. Not in terms of sunlight or night-time, but in terms of the way people are, things that are happening, or the way you feel. Loneliness can make it feel very dark. You would think in a world full of people, how could one feel lonely? Well, they can and do.

     There are many reasons why a person could feel lonely. Isolation, by choice, or because of location or just because they are not the kind of person to just put their self out there to make friends. Whatever the reason, it was not God's plan for us to be alone. He wants us to have fellowship with other Christians.

     This concept of a person not being alone was first addressed in Genesis. God had created man and all other living creatures. Two of every living thing. He then realized that Adam was alone. Although the earth was full, Adam had no one like him. So, God created Eve. 

     The reason was so that man would not be alone. From my nursing perspective, and as noted in psychology, we have seen studies where babies who are without mothers, or people are isolated from others do not do well. They do not develop properly, or they go insane. That is because we are created for relationships. We need one another. Fellowship, someone to talk to, share your thoughts and ideas with someone to dream with, laugh with, or even cry with. 

     The darkness of being lonely can lead to very bad things. The mind can play tricks, the devil steps in and makes one feel like death is the only answer. With death, the ugly lie whispers, pain will cease. That is an out and out untruth. With that type of death is a pain that far surpasses any worldly pain. An eternal pain that will never go away. It is terrible. It is a pain that forever separates us from those we love. Eternity in a dark place void of love or peace.

     Grief can lead us to a dark place, especially a grief that is unexpected. We are traveling along in this life just minding our business when death strikes without warning. Maybe it's a terminal diagnosis, a car accident, a sudden death of a loved one we were not prepared for. It is for this very reason that people decide to be alone or stay alone. They figure without relationships; I will not hurt. 

     Let me tell you, life without relationships hurts us far more than we could ever fathom. Persons who have no desire to have relationships do not understand compassion, empathy, or love. These types of people can be devoid of human emotions. They can grow up to become people who can hurt others in physical or emotional ways, and they suffer no conscience for doing so. These people are the ones who can easily slip into becoming serial killers, or physical abusers. 

     God's concept of relationships was one in which we find another person, or persons, with whom we can share this journey called life with. This can come in the form of family, friends, or spouse. We must also remember that friendships can be reason, season, or lifetime friendships. Not all the people we meet are meant to be involved in our day to day life forever. 

     The reason friends are the ones that come into our lives to help us through something. It could be a struggle like raising young kids, being a single parent, walking with us through a divorce or breakup, or helping during the death of a loved one. They or we do not know that at the time, but in retrospect we see that that was the purpose for those relationships. 

     Then there are seasonal friends. These friends are a part of a season in our life. This could be in school, as a single person, young married person, new parents, when kids leave home, or any season we may be going through in our life. These types of friends leave a bigger hole when they leave, but again, we can look back and see there was a season we needed them for. 

     Then there are lifetime friends. These types of relationships last a lifetime. It does not mean you spend every single day with them, or even see them all the time. They are friendships that are there and the people we know we can turn to in times of hardship or celebration. These friends step in when they know we need them. They help us navigate the hardest times in our lives as well as push us to grow. They are our biggest fans, our broadest shoulders, and just plain good for our soul. 

     As you can see, relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. Not one fits all situations. Just like we should not depend on only one person to fulfill our relationship needs. We need different friendships for different situations. My marital relationship fills a need that no one else can fill. My relationship with my children is different for each one and also fills needs that no one else can fill. Last but not least, my outside friendships fill needs that are different for each one. 

     To wrap it up, remember that relationships should be a light in our life. They will ebb and wain. They will be good, bad, and ugly at times. They help us grow, teach us about ourselves, and should nurture us in our needs. A relationship should not bring darkness, anger, or physical harm continuously. With this in mind, at times a relationship can bring anger, and pain, but it should never result in a physical harm. 

     Be blessed and may God keep you!

     

Being Grateful When Life is Hard

      Life these last few years has been hard to say the least. People have struggled with even day to day living. losing loved ones, struggling through health issues, and just the changes we have seen. I can see where bitterness could sneak into your life, consume any joy, and plant a root of negativity. Once this happens, it's so hard to see the good, the blessings, the things to be grateful for. 

     Being grateful is a very powerful emotion. it's one that if cultivated can strengthen our journey through very difficult times. Times when we get a bad health report, get disappointed or discouraged, the hard seasons that we must all face at one time or another. Every person on this planet and who has ever lived has walked through a hard season. So, how do we feel grateful in these hard times?

     It is not the easiest thing to say thank you to God when you're wading through the muck and mire of difficulties in life. How do we find a grateful heart the struggles? Well, that is a great question and one that there is an answer for. You see, we can look to God's word to find ways to be thankful. It's when we stop focusing on the moment, seeing only the struggle we are in, and look to God's word in scripture that we can find ways to be grateful. 

     God gave us the Psalms to teach us how to find gratefulness for the difficult times. There are stories all throughout that give us ways to be grateful even when we find it hard to take the next step. These Psalms teach us how to cultivate in us a heart that is grateful and worshipful to God.

     My firm belief is that we belong to a God who loves us and cares for us in ways we can't even begin to imagine. He wants the very best for each of us. You might ask if this is true, why do we struggle, why is there sickness, why do I lose my loved ones, and the list goes on. The reason is free will. God will never force us to do what's right, but allows us to make our own choices, even the choice to follow Him and have eternal life, or not.

     God is always good and faithful to His people. In Psalms 100:5 it tells us, "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations. Man that makes my heart sing. This means that for thousands of years, generation after generation, God's love for us has been faithful. This scripture helps me to have an attitude of gratitude, even in the hard times.

     If we can focus on the Lord, even when life makes us feel like we are drowning, we can begin to strengthen our gratitude muscle. Yes, I am aware it is not truly a muscle, but just like a muscle, it must be worked daily. We need to make it a habit to be grateful for what God has done, is doing, and will do in our lives. As we practice this, just like a muscle becomes stronger with work, so will our gratitude. 

     Every day we must remember that God is a good, loving, and faithful God and that there is always something to be grateful for, even in the difficult seasons of life. Just like going to the gym to build our muscles and become stronger, we must get in His word, read, take in, and become stronger. The attitude of gratitude takes over the stinkin thinkin, and before you know it, life can't bring you down because you are the child of the Most High!!!

     I hope you can take a few minutes today to start strengthening your attitude of gratitude. You can start by thanking God for being God, that His love endures forever, and that He is faithful and true. Next, you can thank Him for giving you life. For everything you have, and even for the things you don't have. Thank Him for the hard times that lead you to lean closer to Him, and for those times you will never know about, when His hand covered you and saved you from the very bad. 

     Last but no least, Thank God for all He continues to do in your life. I hope you all find comfort in God and His word. Have a blessed day.

You are ENOUGH

Psalm 34:5-Those who look to him are radiant, ad their faces shall never be ashamed.

     How many times to you hear that inside voice telling you that you are not enough? People don't like you and that you must do more, different, act, or dress a certain way to be accepted. I used to hear this voice speak so loudly to me at times that I could not hear God speaking. 

     I believe we all fear failing. We all want to please those we have around us. We want to be liked, loved, and appreciated. That is the human side of us. It is what we all feel regardless if we admit it or not. We are always disappointed as man will always let us down. We must not get down or feel like our worth is less because of this. 

     We must remember that we are very much loved by God. We can overcome any doubts in our life if we remember that God is always in our corner and that He finds us so very much lovable and beautiful. He will fight for us and we will be victorious. In Zephnaniah 3:17. "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." 

      If we look to God and not man, his radiance and glory will shine through us. In this life we want others to see us as, as likable, and to accept us. His light shining through use will cause others to see us in a different way. The radiance of God shining in your face, your deeds, your actions, that is attractive. You may doubt this and think, "I must be beautiful, wear nice clothing, or even have surgery to change the way I look." Well I am just going to tell you that is all temporary.

     The beauty that lives inside of us when we welcome God into our life is one that never fades. It can be carried with you for your entire life. This is what God wants. That beauty or radiance draws those to us that God wants us to share with. He calls us to share His love with the hurting, the lonely, the lost. We are changed from the inside out. 2 Corinthians 3:18/.

     I want to reflect God's love to others. I want to share what I have gone through, what I am going through, and then be able to share what awesome things God has done in those situations. Others may see that as oversharing, but I feel that each experience I have gone through allows me to see others in a different light, have empathy for them, and to reach out to them in a loving way. Do I do this right every time? No, but I am a work in progress. This is why I spend time in His word daily, to continue to learn, to change, and to be transformed into His likeness. 

     I share all of this to encourage you not to always try so hard to make others like you. You are ENOUGH. Walk in God's ways, read His word, and be transformed by His glory. Then others opinions will carry less weight, and you will have more peace!

Achieving the Dream

     The last year and a half has been so hard on us all. We have seen the ravages of a virus that has taken the lives of so very many people. We have watched as our country has fallen apart, American's turning against American's over so many different things.

      I for one stayed working while millions of people were out of work, staying away from others, and feeling so very depressed because they were not allowed to have social interactions with others. I don't know how hard that was because I continued to care for the sick, care for covid patients, hold their hands as they died, tell their loved ones they were gone, and continue caring for others.

     The caring for others has always been my dream. I knew from early on that it was my calling to go into medicine. I thought for the longest time it was to be a Dr. That changed when I met and married my husband.  We spent a year in South Carolina and then 3 years in Germany while he was in the military. 

     During these years I took care of my children, took other children in and cared for them as well. I worked odds and end jobs, went to school for other things, and never felt satisfied. It wasn't until my kids were in high school and middle school that I finally took the leap. I jumped in with both feet and a prayer that God would help me as I navigated being a wife, mother, and nursing student.

     Let me tell you that this is not an easy feat. Nursing school is grueling and demands so much time. There were times that I wanted to quit, but with the encouragement of my family, and knowing God's calling on my life, I persevered. It was not that easy, but I knew what I wanted. 

     Once I graduated, I became a nurse in a small rural clinic in southeastern Colorado. What a learning experience that was. I loved the patients, the Dr. and PA were amazing, and the secretary and I clicked. I was scared when I started, but as time went on, the PA took me under his wing and taught me so very much. He had practiced medicine in England and the way they did things was very different. 

     I went on house calls with the Dr., learned all the phlebotomy methods for blood draws (due to us being so rural, and a satellite clinic for a hospital 26 miles from our clinic), assisted with minor surgical procedures, learned how to sterilize equipment, and paper charting. Things that I don't feel other nurses were doing, I was. Being a farming community, we would deal with even severe emergencies as they came through the door. 

     I remember a time when a man who went to our church walked in and told me the symptoms he was having. I recognized them for a heart attack, called the Dr. who wasn't due for another hour, got an order to give aspirin, and called an ambulance. The man survived because of our actions that day. I learned to trust in myself a little more.

     As years went on, I decided to get my RN license so I could become a Hospice Nurse. That was hard again, but I was determined. I became an RN in 2015. I began my hospice journey and loved it very much. I knew that God had called me to this work, and I just took to it. I was so honored to be with families as they walked this journey. It wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. 

     I decided this summer to start the bachelors of nursing program at our local college. It has stretched me further than I though possible and taught me some very valuable things. I didn't think I ever wanted to go back to school, but figured that it could only benefit me in the long run. I am hoping that I will be done within a year but we will see.

     I tell you all of this so that you to can strive for that dream. I am 52 years old and back in college. I have raised my kids, I have grandkids, and I really thought I was settled in my nursing career. I just felt driven to do something more. To go further, to challenge myself, and to achieve one more dream. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me as I walk through it. 

     Ask God to guide you, chase that dream, live your best life.

      

Aunt Mary

  

     Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. We suffered a tragedy of the worst kind. The loss of my beautiful Aunt Mary. This loss is so profound it rocked me to my core. It has shaken my heart in ways I never thought it could. She was the woman who had a big part in who I am today.  She fed into my life so much love, knowledge, and faith. 

     My Aunt Mary was there from the time I was born. She was so sweet and loved me like a daughter. She would spend time doing my hair, taking me places, and just being there for me. We talked on the phone every day, sometimes 3-4 times. She would pray with me, give me words of advice, and encourage me when I felt lost. 

     I am so fortunate that I have been blessed with such amazing women in my life. My Aunts have always been there for me in so many ways. They helped raise me and guide me through the my childhood and into adulthood. They have poured into me love, knowledge, compassion, faith, honesty, integrity, and again love.

     When I was 16 year old, I was so lost.  I found myself pregnant, hopeless, and feeling like such a failure. I could not even imagine that I was worth anything. I felt as if I had let my family down and disappointed them all. My Aunt Mary had me over to her house and she told me, It's okay Carrie, God loves you and wants you to know how much He loves you.

     I could not even fathom what she was telling me, but over the course of my pregnancy, she continued to tell me of Christ's love for me. I attended church with her on Sunday's and Wednesday nights. We went to every event the church held. Slowly but surely I began to believe what was being said. 

     She continued to lovingly guide me through some of the darkest times in my life, and would always tell me, "if God is for you, who can be against you."  It was April 1st 1985, and with her guidance I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior. For the first time I felt a deep and unconditional love that reached into the core of my being and let me know I was worthy.  This is what my Aunt Mary wanted me to know.

     Through the years she continued to pour into my life. She was there for my wedding, the birth of my children, my triumphs and losses. When I lost my daddy, her brother, she consoled me even though her own heart was breaking. She always had a word of encouragement, hope, love. She would tell me that the storm would pass, and the sun would shine again, and to hang onto my faith.

     All throughout the years she would always pray with me, and I always knew if I had a need, she would pray and I know that I know she had a direct line to God. If you needed prayer, you called Aunt Mary. She would pray and answers would come.

     After I lost my dad, I turned to her because she was a connection to my dad. She was a part of him. I loved hearing her stories of their adventures.  She would tell me stories of when I was little and the things we did. Memories that will be forever held in my heart.

     My Aunt also had a lot of heartache. She loved and loved hard. She was always so loving and giving and her one true heartache was how mean people would be. I would cry when she would call me and tell me about someone being mean to her. How people would reject her for whatever reason. I could not understand how someone could not just love her the way I did. But that's the problem, people can be cruel and sometimes not realize it.

     My aunt only ever wanted to be accepted and appreciated. She tried so hard all the time. She would always tell me, "Carrie, We are so much alike. We just try to do for everyone and hope that they will love us. Then we get so very hurt when they don't." She was so very right because I am just like her. I am proud to be like her in some ways. I can only hope that she knew how very very much she meant to me, and that I can be 1/2 the woman she was. 

     She was never apologetic for her faith, and some people were offended by that. They shouldn't have been.  She just had passion for her faith and didn't want anyone to miss out on eternity. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for the people we love and care about.

     I feel so sad for those who missed out on the relationship they could have had with her. The friendship she offered, the love that she had. To you, you will never know what a beautiful, knowledgeable, compassionate, passionate, faithful, loving person she was. It is truly a loss you will never understand.

     I can hear her voice say, "you will get through this. Know that this to shall pass. Lean into faith, rejoice for me, don't cry for me because today I am in Heaven and with my parents and your dad." Oh aunt Mary, I don't know how I will get through this without you because it is you I would turn to in heartache like this. I won't let you down, I will lean in and I will see you again.

     Aunt Mary, Fly high. I know you walked straight into the arms of Jesus yesterday and that you were whole and healed. You were re-united with your parents, and brother, and for that I am truly jealous. I will cry and hurt for a very long time. Your loss is truly a deep, deep hole in my heart, but I wouldn't wish you back. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. Until we meet again.

     

     

Defeated

     How many of you have felt this way recently? Like you just skimmed out of 2019, maybe limping a bit, and were so looking forward to 2020 only to feel like you jumped out of the frying pan and straight into the fire. How many have lost their job, the dreams they had, a business?  There are thousands I know. This year has defeated so many.

      I am not writing this to give a message of defeat, but one of hope. How many have lost their faith in God because things didn't turn out the way they wanted? Maybe you lost everything you owned, your business, your hopes and dreams! So what did you do? Give up your faith, lose hope, let darkness walk in? It's easy to have this happen to us you know. I am not standing in judgement because believe me you, I have felt defeat so deep I thought I would lose my life over it.

     So what is this hope I speak of? Well I'll tell you what it isn't first. It isn't some quick fix, one and done, magic little pill, book, or plan. It is a truly deep, bone deep faith in God. Its fixing my eyes on Him no matter what life is throwing at me. Its having the strength to hold on even when life is battering me to death! And let me tell you, I have been beaten worse than some, but not as bad as others.

     I have experienced hard losses. I've lost jobs, homes, cars, personal belongings, loved ones, even my dreams of what I thought life would be like. I've stood on the threshold of giving up my faith and turning my back on God. Losses so deep that you question if there really is a God or do people just have good or bad luck?  I've looked up into the heavens and shouted at God to give me some proof that He even cares that I exist.

     God answered, and in ways I would never have noticed if I was to turn my heart to stone and not listen for that still small voice. I am living proof that God is real. I have seen miracles in circumstances that there should have been no way a positive could come out.  I have seen evil win victories over good, but I know why this happens. It is because earth is where satan can have power. Power to kill, steal, and destroy. TO take what is meant for good and turn it to bad.

     I have also seen God take those bad things and in turn make the messes into blessings. I've seen doors close and hopelessness slip into the very depth of my being, only to be reminded who is in charge, who is fighting in my corner, and the blessing that comes in staying steadfast.  The windows that are opened because doors were closed. The people who have left my life that were only bringing negativity and doubt, to be replaced by those who would build me up in ways that I could truly see God's hand in.

     Loss can drive us into dark, dark places if we let it, but that is not what God wants for us. We can feel that loss, and then let it go. Know that a door is closing only for a better door to open up if we will just keep walking and not give up. To believe we could never be triumphant in a battle that looks to have already been lost. That there is no hope, no way, no chance.

     Remember the disciples on the raging see, the men in the burning furnace, Jonah in the belly of the whale, the Israelite's between the walls of the  Red Sea, Mary at the foot of the Cross, Jesus in the tomb, and many, many more Bible truths? People who have been given terminal diagnosis, people who have died and come back, loss that was turned into victory.  All of these stories have one thing in common, and that is faith, hope, and belief in God.

     These are all examples of what God can do in your life if you will just turn to him, believe, trust and have faith. Not run when things get tough but to stand firm and know that He has your back. To fight through the bad, scary, loss of what you thought would be, and know better is coming.

     If someone told you that you could not do something would you just give up? Would you believe them? Would you just stop, turn around, and never try?  I am so glad that I never did. I have been told awful things. Told I would never succeed, that I was not a good person, that I would fail, that I could not do things. I chose not to listen, not believe that the lie. I am calling you to step into faith and not into fear. Do not listen to the lies satan is telling you.

     I am choosing to be a light, to allow God to use me in powerful ways, even when the world says I am worthless, that I will never be able to do the things that God has said I will do in His name. I am not perfect, but I am perfected in Christ. He in me is what I strive for daily. I pray that I can be a used in a way to bring Glory to His Kingdom.

     Lord, let me always have the faith I need and to let me stay out of the way so that You can do what You promised. Move me where you want me to be. Let me reflect You in the way I walk, the way I believe, the way I live.  Let me show those around me who may be feeling defeated that in You, they can rest and know that all things work to good for those who love You. Let me shine your light into this dark world.  Let the defeat they feel become a Victory in YOU!!!  Let them see your blessing. Help turn their mess into a message!!!

The Storm

     When we think about a ship, we may think about a cruise ship, a sail boat, or a yacht. These are beautiful ways to travel on the water. We think of luxury, expensive trips, traveling in style, and that being on one of these would be such amazing an dream.

     But remember that these modes of transportation are fallible. One storm and that boat can sink. There are been thousands of ships, boats, yachts, that have been sunk because of these storms. The wind comes up, the waves toss these vessels about on the sea, and at times, they cannot withstand the tempest. They fall apart, and the people are left to survive in what can be un-survivable conditions.

      These people are not without hope.  They have a life boat and life vests that can be used, they just have to remember that these devices are on board, and not panic.  They need to keep their wits about them and than do what needs to be done.  They need to know that they are unable to save their self without the proper tools.

     This brings me to my point. We read in Mark 5:37,about the storm that arose and the boat that Jesus and the disciples were traveling across the sea. The storm hit and the boat was beginning to fill with water.  Jesus had been asleep during the storm and in a panic the disciples awakened Him. They became fearful, and rightfully so with the boat filling up with water, and they knew this meant it could sink.

     Jesus arose from His sleep, and stood up on the boat and rebuked the sea. He told it to be still and the wind immediately died down and became perfectly calm.  He asked them why were they so afraid? Where was their faith?  They were relying on the boat and when it looked like it would sink, they realized it was not as safe as they believed. They panicked and forgot who they were in the presence of.

     In life, we run into storms. These storms can be relational, emotional, financial, or spiritual. We are cruising along on smooth seas and BAM, her comes the wind and the waves. Our lives are tossed about and we begin to fear. Will I be divorced, will I fail, will I lose all I own, will I spend eternity in hell?  These are all very valid fears, if we are thinking in worldly terms, and yes, these things happen to people everyday.

      The important thing is to remember the tools we have been given to survive in these storms, even if our ship sinks. First and foremost, we must remember what those tools are. You wouldn't grab your cell phone or wallet,  grab the person your with, or even a picture of all the things you own if the boat was sinking! That would be ridiculous and you would drown. No, if you were told and trained, or you are with a captain, you know that there are life boats, and life vests for just such an emergency.

     The key at this point is to remember these tools are available. You have a means of surviving. It may not be easy, the storm is still raging all around, waves may be crashing all around, wind is whipping the seas into a frenzy, but there is hope!

     As I have been through many storms, I have been taught the hard lesson of remembering these tools. Who or where do I turn when this happens? I turn to Christ, His word, and prayer!  These are the tools we have been given to survive the storms of life. With these things, no matter how strong the storm is, I am safe.  Not because of the stuff I own, or the people I know, the car I drive, the house I own, the job I have, or my bank account. All of these things can be gone in the blink of an eye.

     I am safe, in the calm that Christ creates for me. His word is the life boat, the Holy Spirit is the life vest, and Christ Himself is the Captain of the ship called life that I am traveling on. I know my husband is always by my side, but he is not even able to save me in the storm, because he has to get his own life vest on, and get himself in the boat. Not that he would not sacrifice to try to save me, but that is not his job.

     As I sit her and write this, I am nearly in tears because I have put this man in that position many of times in the past. I have relied on him to not only find my vest, but put it on me, carry to the life raft, and place me in it, all the while not worrying about if he had his on. This hasn't always been the case in our marriage, but in recent times it has.

     This past week as another storm hit me full on, I once again wanted to turn to him. I wanted him to be the one who saved me from the storm, but I realized it is not fair to him. He is on the same ship, and he must look after himself. I must trust the captain of my life, CHRIST, and know that he has equipped me with the tools needed to be safe.  Easier said than done depending on how fast that ship is sinking!

     Once we are saved, we must remember what we did to survive, who to turn to, and praise God that we are still alive. We cannot focus on the storm, but on what we need to do to live. This can be hard for some because they can only see the loss. They are so focused on that, which can be very deep and hard to get out of at times, but need to appreciate that they are still alive. There is a reason that they lived, that they survived, that they still have a chance at life.

     We have all heard the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Well I believe that. The storms of life are not meant to kill you but to make you stronger. They change you in ways you might never have expected. They send you into different directions, open up new things, make you appreciate the blessings in your life. They have a way of changing your focus, which if you will allow, can be in a very positive way. 

     So my hubby is off the hook, like that little pun there, and is not my life vest. Heck he is in the same boat with me so we must both make sure we can survive.  We are riding life's storms on the same boat, but rather than get into fear, we must remember the tools that God has given us, trust our captain, and safely get into that life raft, back to shore, and keep on moving. 

     Brothers and sisters in Christ, today I pray for you and whatever storm you may be going through. I pray that you would know what tools God has equipped you with, and that you would use them. God did not give you a spirit of fear, He calls you to, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.  My you be courageous this week, and find strength in the Lord for whatever comes your way. 

GOD BLESS!

Your sister in Christ.

     

Drawing the Line

     The bible has much to say about minding our own business. You know, worry about the weeds in your own yard and such. But what does this mean to those of us who are fixers? You know, those if us,(me), who think that they must help every person with their problems.

     I am the oldest child in my family, and therefore have always felt responsible for others. If I see someone in need, I think I must fix it, take care of them, help them settle arguments, make peace. I must tell you, its exhausting, and it usually ends up with the person or people being mad at me. Not what I intended, but an awful side affect of helping at times.

     In the bible it tells us in Proverbs 26:17-interfering in someone else's argument is as foolish as yanking a dog's ear.   In 1 Thess. 4:10-12-Make your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands. This way people who are not Christians will respect the way you live, and you will not need to depend on others. 2 Thess 3:11-13 We hear that some of you are living in idleness. You are busy not working but interfering in other people's lives. We encourage such people as by the Lord, to do their work quietly and earn their own living. Brothers, do not get tired of doing what is right. There are many more, 1 Peter 4:15-16, Exodus 23:1-2, Phil. 4:8, Prov 25:20-21, Prov. 20:3 and the list goes on.

     We, (I), need to learn to draw the line. To know where my business ends, and someone else's begins, and than stay in my lane.  This means that it is not my business if someone is having issues ie. negativity, gossip, denial, unforgiveness, lying, deception, addiction, inappropriate behavior, etc. Unless it directly affects me, I don't need to, "Interfere."

     You see I have for years tried to take on others problems and fix them. In doing so, I have created so many more problems for myself. I have been drawn into arguments that were not my business, battles that were not mine to fight, ugly gossip that has hurt someone else, and the list goes on. I am not proud of these things, I just thought I was helping, lending a hand, showing someone what was right.  Well this backfired on me more than once.

     I have been learning, and a hard lesson it has been, that what other people choose to say and do is their business.  Its not mine. Their problems are just that, their problems. That the choices they make they have to own. What is mine? My decisions, my behaviors, my problems, my feelings, my happiness, my sadness, my choices and my inner messages. I have the ability to love, care, nurture, dream, hope, deny, and forgive. I do not owe it to anyone to allow them to have any control over these things, just like no one owes it to me.

     I am working on developing a clear sense of what is mine, and what is not. If a problem is not mine, I don't have to deal with it. I don't have to cross a line and try to make it mine. I can deal with my own issues, and be responsible for my own choices. I can ask for forgiveness where it is needed, give forgiveness, and live MY life. Whew!

     Its funny how some people will react to you start drawing a line. Some will become angry, confused, and sad because they are used to coming to you and having you take on their issues, but you see, you do not owe them that. You only need to take care of you. This doesn't mean that I will not listen if someone comes to me with problems, It just means that I have the right and the ability to say, sorry, not my circus, not my monkeys. And its okay to say no.

     I have been a people pleaser my entire life. This has made life feel overwhelming, and unmanageable at times. It's not a good feeling, and it drains me. I am slowly learning that I cannot fix the problems of my past because they are already done and gone, but I can change the way I deal with the future. That choice is to take care of me first. Its not selfish, its not mean, and its not uncaring when we do this. Its necessary. If we don't care for us first, we can't help anyone else.

     They tell you that when you are flying, you must first put on your oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs, so that's what I am doing. I am learning it is okay for me to put on my oxygen first, than and only than should I even think about helping someone else. One day at a time, I am learning to draw the line.

     God bless each and every one of you as you learn to draw the line!!!

Finding Treasures in the Trials

    No one likes trials, yet no one can escape them. We can make a choice when trials come though. We can choose to look at the trial and feel down, defeated, just plain tired. We can let that trial cause us to become bitter, angry, or even resentful that we have to go through it.

    On the other hand, we could look for the treasure in the trial.  We can choose to look at what good is coming from the trial we are going through. Maybe how we can learn and grow from it. What lessons are we getting, and maybe what blessings. Of course, it truly is up to us.

     Right now we are all living day to day not knowing what's coming. We are ordered to stay at home, only go out for necessities, and to stay away from others. This is really hard as we are social beings by nature. We are not designed to always be locked away and alone. This causes depression.

     One thing I have noticed since this whole thing started, (hint: here is a treasure), is more families are spending time together, getting outdoors, working on projects, and some even just having fun making videos. That is amazing. They, we, have all slowed down and begun to connect as families again.

     The other thing I have noticed is that the skies are clearer, the pollution is minimal, and nature continues to do what it always does. That's reclaim, heal, and participate in its normal activity of spring.  Wow. What mankind could not do while watching our world become more clogged and congested, mother-nature (God), has done with this virus.

     We see people really caring about others in different ways. Neighbors helping elderly neighbors out by shopping, checking on them, making sure older family members are cared for. It is like it was when I was growing up. People caring more about others than themselves. The way it should be.

     Now that isn't happening everywhere, but in most places.  We are finding one thing that is bringing us all together. We are all fighting one enemy. We are not being selfish, and we are reaching out to others. This is truly a treasure beyond measure.

     Now my question is, Can We Keep This Going?  When all of this is over, and yes it will be quickly over, can we continue to care for one another, our neighbors, and our world? Can we care about nature, the wildlife, and the beauty we take for granted all the time?

     I'm praying that we can, and in the coming weeks, I hope to see it be true. I know in my family, I will never take for granted the freedoms we all seem to have. Let us come back together as fellow Americans. Let us love one another, care about others again, and care about our freedoms. Most of all, lets give THANKS, to our all mighty God and the healing He alone can bring.

     God bless you all. I pray for peace during this time. I pray that you have a blessed week.

Keeper of My Heart: High Places

Keeper of My Heart: High Places:      You may ask what is a high place. A high place in the bible was a place that persons went to worship, sacrifice, or pray and petition G...

High Places

     You may ask what is a high place. A high place in the bible was a place that persons went to worship, sacrifice, or pray and petition God.  This was the only way in which people would communicate with God. They would come to these places as Holy places. Places where they could petition God for there every need.

     I began a bible study with Lysa Terkerust called Trustworthy. In the final day of last weeks study she asked a question that really hit me hard. I didn't realize it as I was studying, but afterwards as I was praying that God would reveal to me where my high places were. He revealed that I had been looking to people and not to God. That I was trusting people to answer my questions and help me make decisions and not Him as I should be.
 
     Wow!!! That hurt. I was questioning this distant feeling I had in regards to my relationship with God thinking I had done something that was separating me from Him, when in reality, I had stepped away. For whatever reason, I had distanced myself from the Lord and had begun to rely on myself and others, where I should be leaning into Him for guidance.

     I began to cry soft tears of regret as the reality of my decision weighed down on me. Also I believe tears of relief in a way. I realized God is still there and was doing as I had asked in revealing my high places. I had built a wall between and I just need to tear down the wall I had erected to protect myself. It wasn't really protection, but separation and a painful one at that.

     I began to look at who I had put in those places and why. The one reason was that I was going to this person and not going to God. I was not spending time in His word daily. I was allowing the stress of the outside world to push me away from the One who could bring me peace. I leaned into the one not intended to be my all in all and heaped all the responsibility on his shoulders. That was not fair to him, not that he wouldn't do anything for me, but more that it is not his Job.

      I was relying on my husband to be everything, have his own relationship with God, be responsible for hearing my complaints, making my decisions, and answering to me when the choices I made, (despite what he may have suggested), that ended in a bad way.  That meant he was burdened not only with his troubles, but mine as well.

     This morning I realized that I was treating him as my high place and not turning to God, but than I was upset with God for not answering my prayers when I was not taking them to Him. I put my husband and my aunt Mary in high places. Now this does not mean that I shouldn't go to them and ask them to pray with me, but that I needed to keep God as my high place. He and only He should hold that place in my life.

     I needed to repent from this and turn fully to God and lean into Him alone. This does not mean I cannot share my burdens with my husband ever, or that at times that God may not answer me through shared prayer with my husband or my aunt. It just means that I need to look to God first. To spend time in His word and seek my answers through my prayer life with Him. Than and only than can I know that the answers, rather they are yes or no, are the path God would have me take.

     Lysa wrote something so profound that I just must share. She said to repent and humble ourselves before the Lord and in doing so, that humility ties a beautiful knot between our heart and God's. A knot that can never come untied. I love this, because it gives us a blessed assurance that He will always be there for us in our times of need.

     This also frees my husband and I up to have the loving relationship that God intended and not burden the other with our needs that only God can fulfill. I must work hard at keeping my high place God alone and not running to where I think I might get the answer I want. I need to rest in the fact that God wants only good for me, and that means at times, the answer will be no, not now, wait, or yes. It matters not what the answer is as long as I trust the One who is answering.

     So today, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. Relief that is soul deep. I have a friend, a confidant, a helper in times of trouble. I have a HIGH PLACE IN GOD!!!!

Tis the season.

     It is Christmas eve. The day before the big day. The day when people are running around for those last minute gifts, starting on preparations for the holiday meal with family and friends, anticipating the joyful gatherings, and than there are those who aren't.

     Each holiday season, there are people who are not in the spirit. They dread this time of year for numerous reasons. Maybe from a childhood memory of something not so great. Maybe because they have lost someone who meant so much to them, and maybe, just maybe, they don't like Christmas because its a holiday they have to work year in and year out.

     Whatever the reason, there are those who wait with anticipation for this holiday to just be done. No more music, lights, trees, and merry Christmas. They just want to go back to the way life was before the holidays.  They dread and maybe even hate this time of year. There are just as many reasons they dread it, as there are reasons people love it. No matter the reason, its their truth.

     The first year after my daddy died, I dreaded the holidays, and with Christmas being the worst. My dad loved Christmas. He loved being together with family, enjoying the meal, but his favorite part was seeing all the kids open their gifts. It was what made him smile from ear to ear.

     My dad was always a very generous man. He would help anyone in need. Even while he was going through chemo, he would spend those hours hooked up to the medicine, sharing Jesus with people. He would talk to them like nothing was even wrong. He would tell jokes, and help them to smile.

     My dad hated to see people sad, and didn't like when family would fight with each other. Some of his last words to me were, "please don't let this family fall apart. Do what you can to hold all of you together."  Poor daddy would be so saddened by what our family has become. He would just be heart broken to know that we no longer speak to each other and the thought of doing Christmas together, well that's an impossible one. Dad of course would disagree. He would say that God could make it happen. Just trust in Him.

     He loved the Lord and knew that Christ's birth was the true reason for the season and he wanted others to know that kind of joy. He loved sharing Christ with others so that they to could have the joy and hope he had. My dad even shared his faith with others at the treatment center while he was going through chemo that last year of his life. He would ask, "Do you know where your going? Do you know Jesus." He never let go of his faith, and even at the end, he was so excited to see Jesus.

      On the first Christmas after he passed, I knew that life was forever changed. Because of the conflict when daddy passed, I would not be with my side of the family this first year. There would be no one I could talk to about the deep loss we were all feeling. You know, only someone who has known a person as you have, could truly understand the loss you are feeling. Now I'm not saying my hubby didn't understand or wasn't there, it is just different than what you share as siblings when it comes to memories.

     So with dread, and what felt like a dead heart, I trudged through the first Christmas with a, "fake it until you make it," smile plastered to my face. I said all the right things, and participated in all the Christmas merry making, all the while feeling dead inside and so false.  I was happy my children and grandchildren where there and that they were enjoying the season, and I loved being around my other family, it was just difficult and unless you have been through this, you wouldn't understand what I am saying.

     So the first one passed and I kept telling myself, next year will be better. It was a little better, but there was still that sadness. It crept in when I wasn't looking, and I would find myself sad again, crying in the shower, or while I was wrapping gifts. This has repeated itself each year, but with each year there is a little less pain. Don't get me wrong, it still has a sting and the longing you feel for the way things used to be, I don't think every really goes away, but like a long worn favorite pair of jeans, it fades slightly with each passing year.

     This year I face the holiday once again. It is not as bad this year, but still there. I miss my dad and my family so very much, but you see, some families never recover from the loss of a loved one. Some split up and never talk again. They all go their separate ways.  Its like as if when the patriarch or matriarch passes, there isn't that same glue to hold the family together.  The once giant, joyous gatherings are a thing of the past.

     Life from that point on is changed. People loose touch, family doesn't talk, and life grows farther apart. The sadness from the loss begins to grow until the chasm between family seems unbridgeable. But it isn't. That distance is not the be all end all. Its just distance. Just like the distance you have when traveling for vacation. Its long, and it will take time to get there, but you do it because you know you will enjoy it.

     Its that same with family. You are traveling a distance, bridging the gap, making amends, and finding the joy of the season again. That chasm can be bridged, that broken can be mended, that family tie can be retied. This year, why not reach out again? Make a leap and try to mend the differences that split you up. Say your sorry if that's what it takes. Extend the olive branch. Reach out to that long lost family member.

     Think about what that loved one would want, or what they would say about how things are now. What would they want you to do? Would they want the anger, the hurt, the grudges, or would they want the peace, the love and the closeness. Go ahead, what do you have to loose? Try to mend that relationship. Its a season of miracles, a season of giving, and a season of receiving. After all, "Tis the Season."

A strong woman!!!

     I always write about inspirational things. Things to help lift others up. To inspire them to hold onto hope. To know that there are better days coming. But what happens when you don't feel that? When no matter what others tell you, you tell yourself, you feel hopeless, worn out, and just plain tired?

     I know I have a choice. I decide how I want my actions or feelings to be. I can give in, give up, or keep going. I can stay where I am at in that feeling, or I can choose to move past it. It really is up to me. 

     Well I'm going to tell you today that whatever you are feeling, its okay to feel that. We have been told to suppress certain feelings, emotions, or thoughts. Told that its all going to be okay, and things will get better, but guess what? Sometimes they don't. Sometimes we have to go through something for a long while. It lasts much longer than we expected, wanted, or needed. Or so we think.

     Mine right now is struggling with loss this year. I lost my dear, sweet Aunt Sharon in the beginning of this year. Lost a part of myself in April when I had to have surgery. Lost my mobility when my knee decided to go bad this summer. Lost a dear friend in October. Loss of what I thought would be my, Rest of my life job." The deepest loss came in November. The loss of our beautiful, faithful, lovable fur baby Zuni.

     Now don't you think that I deserve to cry? To sit down and say I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Well I did let me tell you. I cried, I ranted, I was angry, sad, confused and darn right rebellious. I was mad at everything and everyone. My poor husband took the brunt of all of this, but what's new? He usually does.

     I called my mom up last week and cried all the way home from work with her. I was super upset about a lot of things. I told her I do not think I can continue doing what I am doing. You know what she told me???? She said, " listen here sister. We come from a long line of strong women. Women who went through hardships you and I will never experience. Hardships like the great depression, the loss of parents, dropping out of school to work to help support their siblings, and raising children, grandchildren, and helping others all on their own."  

     She went on to say, " I never saw my mom cry about what she had to do, or the things she lost, or the things she never got to do. She just got up everyday and did what needed to be done."  She said, "grandma had to help raise her siblings which meant she didn't get to be a child. My sisters helped raise me so they had to grow up fast. You helped me with raising your sister and brother so that I could work three jobs to support you guys and give you the things you wanted and needed."  

     She told me how she knows that there were tears. They just weren't done publicly and no one really knew about it.  She reminded me of the divorces, single parenting, health issues, and the list goes on, that these women in my life had endured. My tears began to slow, and I realized that she was right. 

     My grandmother, my mom's mom, put herself through nursing school while raising her children alone. She had to quit school when she was younger in order to work and help her father to raise her siblings because her mother had died of dust pneumonia when she was little. She worked 2 jobs and went to school to become a nurse. Once a nurse, she worked nights because she made more. She also took care of my sister and I and my cousins at different times.

     My aunt Sandy raised her son, moved away to California, battled cancer and survived, moved across country to marry the man she loved, and works with hospice as a volunteer, as well as being an amazing Sentsy consultant. 

     My aunt Sharon married my uncle Bob, moved wherever his military career took him, including some countries we would never think of living in now, and raised all of her children and adopted another to raise, as well as all of the other wonderful things she did. 

     My aunt Phyllis was a strong women who raised her children, worked hard, and was a very strong and independent woman. 

     My mom raised us when she could, worked hard, gave us more than most kids had because we had horses, we were in 4H, rodeo, and had a nice home. She taught me how to keep a clean house, be compassionate towards those less fortunate than us, and to always be kind.

     My aunt Jeannie taught me how to be a good mother, wife, and daughter. She helped build and run a business with my uncle Doug, started her own business in daycare, raised 5 beautiful, strong, amazing, independent, accomplished women as well as taking me on as a 6th daughter. 

     My aunt Mary who poured into my life the love of God. My faith and strength are due to her loving guidance. She showed me how to be a lady, have respect, and to love myself.

     My Grandma Harper, who was also a nurse. She taught me that love is for a lifetime, how to be a good mother, wife, and grandmother. How to love, be compassionate, be caring, and most importantly, how to forgive. 

     So to wrap this up, my mom in that conversation reminded me that these women all faced their own trials. Things that no one else will ever know. They faced adversity, cruelty, grief, hardship, and things that most people would have thrown the towel in for. They did it and did not complain. Their tears were hidden, most likely in their pillows, or in the shower, or like me, in the car as they drove. 

     Tears do not mean we are weak, they mean we are strong, compassionate, passionate, faithful, caring, loving, and very capable women. So today I want to encourage you if only a little bit. Those little things, big things, seemingly insurmountable things, are just that. Things. They will pass, we will endure, come out stronger on the other side and realize, we are a STRONG WOMAN!!! Be strong, be fierce, love, laugh, and be happy, sad, mad, or whatever you need to do you!

     

     

Overwhelmed to Overcomer

John 16:33.  "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Romans 8:37. " But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us."
1 John 4:4. "You are from God, Child, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you that he who is in the world."    

  Have you ever felt overwhelmed? Like everything that could go wrong, is going wrong? Like you can't do one thing right,  and life is just to much?

     Well I have. Just this past weekend I felt that way. I guess the entire week felt that way. This was because I had thought that what I was told was true, only to find out I was wrong. This was such a disappointment to me, like being slapped in the face.

     I was expecting something to happen to me that would be a culmination of all I have worked so hard for in the last 2 months. When I was told that what I did was not enough, was not what they wanted or expected, I felt like such a failure. I let the devil sneak in and whisper all the lies I have heard all my life.

     He, the devil, likes to lie to us and drag us backwards. He likes to remind us of all our failures, shortcomings, or just to make us feel un-worthy and overwhelmed. He does not want us to believe what God has promised us in the verse's above.

     Our minds can confuse us and make us think that we are not good enough, that we are somehow deserving of suffering, punishment, or just wrongdoing. We must lean into God, pray, turn these thoughts over to Him. God is always willing to listen to our prayers and to intercede if needed.

     When we change our stinking thinking, God can work in our lives and change or tears to joy, our sorrow to gladness, and our failures to triumph. We have a choice. We can let the battle field of the mind become the victory of the Lord.  We can put on the armor of God, and we can march against the negative thoughts that invade and overwhelm.

     The armor of God will keep us safe. It keeps us from the flaming arrows that are launched at us daily. We must stand in the righteousness that protects us against anything the devil may throw our way.  We are warriors and we are protected by the army of the Lord. We do not stand alone, but with an army  surrounding us and protecting us from the evil of the devil if we will only call out to God and leave it all to God.

     We will find that we will go from being totally overwhelmed by the things of this world, to being overcomers of the lies, the past, the disappointments that may come from whatever life brings. We are more than our minds might want us to believe, we are the greatness the Lord designed us to be. We are His daughters and sons and we are here for a reason. Be open to whatever God calls you to and walk boldly into it.

   

Revenge

REVENGE: To avenge oneself or another usually by retaliating in kind or degree.


     We have all thought about it. You know, the pay back, retaliating, get even, revenge. Someone has done something or we perceive that they have done something to hurt us or a loved one. We spend hours, sometimes days, plotting out how we could pay them back. Sometimes we act on it, other times we just think about it in our minds.

     It never feels good when someone hurts us or someone we love. It puts a pit in our stomach, makes our blood pressure rise, and we get angry. We hate that they have done something to us, and we think of all the ways we could, would, or should respond. Most of the time, we think of the words or deeds we could do to get them back.  But is that what we really should do?

     You have heard the old saying, turn the other cheek. Where did that come from? Who thought of it? and why would I ever get insulted or hurt and just turn the other cheek so that they could do it again? I would have to be crazy!!! Or, I would be doing what God called us to.

     Matthew 5:38-40 says,38"You have heard that it was said, an Eye for an Eye and a tooth for a tooth, 39 but I tell you, do not resist an evil person If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn and offer them the left also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well."

     I'll be honest with you, this is not the first thing I think of when I am hurt, but it is what God has called us to. How do we do this? How do we not want revenge when we have been hurt?  Well, that is what we learn in the Bible. It tells us to not seek revenge, to offer the other cheek so to speak. This does not mean that if someone strikes you that you should just let them. We have laws against that.

     I think what is being said in this verse is to let it go. Don't seek revenge, don't retaliate, Don't pay kind for kind.  God wants us to be at peace with one another and to love others as we love ourselves. I know, I know.  How do you love someone if they lie to you, hurt you, or hurt a loved one?  Well, we love the way Christ first loved us.

     All throughout the Bible there are verses in reference to the way Christ loved instead of revenged. With the pharisees He did it quite a few times. One of my favorites verses that speak to forgiving others as God forgave us is Isaiah 1:18. 18 "Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they shall be like virgin wool." Wow. My sins are forgiven, no matter how ugly they may be.

     There are many verses that speak to forgivness such as, Matthew 6:14-15, Luke 17:3-4, Ephesians 4:31-32, 1John 1:9, Acts 3:19. and the list goes on. You can of course look them up in your concordance or you can google them. So many that speak to that forgiveness. God will take care of the situation, if we just give it over to Him and allow Him to work. Romans 12:19 speaks to revenge saying, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is Mine to avenge, I will repay," says the Lord.

     Now don't get all excited saying, woohoo, go get 'em God.  We are not to feel that God is going to rain down fire and brimstone on those who hurt us. This is an unforgiveness still speaking in our hearts. We are to forgive that person who hurt us, and to walk in forgiveness towards them. If we wish ill on them, we have not truly forgiven. If we rejoice in their folly, we again are not walking in forgiveness.

     Forgiveness takes a very Strong and trusting person. One who is stronger than those who retaliate in kind for a wrong or perceived wrong. We let go of that need for revenge and free ourselves from the burden that revenge becomes. We allow God to do what He must with that person and situation, and we are free to carry on with our lives. We leave the bitterness and the anger, and in return have peace and love.

     My friend, I know this isn't easy because the truth is, sometimes someone hurts you so deeply, that the it feels like you were almost cut to the core, but that's just the lie that the devil wants you to believe. There is no sin or hurt that can't be forgiven. Allow yourself the freedom that forgiveness brings. Let the healing begin, let go of revenge, and let love win!!!!



Heavenly Father,

     Let the forgivness begin with me. Help me to let go of the hurt inflicted by others so that I can live my best life. I thank You for Your word and the healing that it brings. Thank You for teaching me that letting go is much better than holding on to hurt. I pray that You would help me to forgive those who have hurt me, but more importantly Lord, help those I may have hurt to find forgivness, not for my sake, but for theirs. I ask all this in Your Heavenly Name.                                 AMEN!!!

Regret

     Is there something in your life that you truly regret? Something that sneeks up from time to time and interrupts the journey your on? Puts a road block, a huge pothole, or even a detour sign in your daily life?

     Its happened to me. I have regrets. Some big, some small. The ones I could deal with, I have, and the ones I could not, I've just had to let go of. I have asked for forgiveness from God, the people I may have hurt, and most importantly, from myself.

     So I know that you might be saying to yourself, "forgive yourself?"  Yes, forgive yourself. Its just as important, if not the most important part of moving past that mistakes you have made and finding healing from the damage it may have caused. It may have been as little as telling your boss you were sick when you really were not, or as big as taking something that did not belong to you or worse.

     The thing we need to remember, no matter the sin, God will always forgive us when we repent and ask for forgiveness. We can't control whether others will forgive us, but thats between them and God. The one we find it hardest to forgive is ourselves. We forget that when we forgive ourselves, we allow a healing that only God can bring, to seep into every part of our lives. A healing that refreshes our souls and gives us the rest we need from the burden the unforgivness becomes.

     Think about this. When we don't forgive ourselves, God cannot forgive us. I had never thought about this until I was studying forgivness and came across the verse in Mark 11:26. It reads, "But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions." 

     Now you might want to argue that God was only referring to forgivness in regards to others, but it states in the verse clearly that if you do not forgive, it does not say if you do not forgive others. This means forgivness includes onself. Profound right?

     So how do I forgive myself? How do I find a way to let go of all the negative I feel about myself or something I think I may have done wrong? This is a very good question and one I will address.

My background always made be feel like the things I'd done were so bad, that even God couldn't forgive me. There was no way He could love a sinner like me, but that just isn't true.  I have read the Bible and as we all know in John 3:16 it states that God sent His Son into this world for the sins of all mankind.  This means for our forgiveness. It didn't say only small sins, but the ones that seem unforgivable.

Jesus on the cross even asked His Father to forgive those who were crucifying Him.  Do you think yourself better than Christ? Do you think you know more than God? Well my friend, you don't and neither do I that is why we cannot withhold forgiveness from others or ourselves. When we do this, we tell God that we think we know better than He does. He forgave sins that we as humans could possibly never forgive, but in doing so taught us how to forgive.

     That brings it back to forgiveness of self. We may some really big regrets. Some sins that just feel unpardonable. But remember, God already know about these sins and the regret we carry around with them. The baggage of these sins can weigh us down without us even realizing how heavy they are and how much they affect our lives.

     I'm here to tell you to lay that burden down. Leave that baggage behind. Lay it all at the foot of the Cross and don't pick it up again. God eagerly waits to forgive you, now you just need to forgive yourself!!!




     Heavenly Father,
You love us just as a good Father should. You want a better life for us. You know our every thought and deed. Reach down and help us to understand that true healing comes when we forgive, not only others, but ourselves as well Help us to realize we need to forgive ourselves in order to move on the best life you have for us. Father, help the healing to begin in each person who needs this today. We love You Lord and thank you for the healing that is coming our way.
                                                                     AMEN!!!

It's just unfair!

     So as most of you know I am recovering from surgery that I had last month. The recovery period has been so hard for me.  You would think that having 6 weeks off of work would be a breeze. Well, for me it isn't. I can't handle just sitting around and having to depend on others. Its so darned hard.

     Well that is exactly what I have had to learn. There have been times when I have tried to do things, and in true Carrie fashion, I don't do it small. Each time I have regretted it because there have been consequences.  Not anything that I would wish, but set backs none the less. Some were scary, but apparently never scary enough for me to learn my lesson.

     I get scolded, by my husband, family, and myself. Than a few days later, I just do it again. Not the same thing, but just pushing myself to do more than what my body is ready to do. Its not smart, but I do it again. Why do we do that? Why do we, "Learn our lesson," only to repeat it again at another time either the same way or different but just as bad. So foolish we can be.

     One lesson I have learned I had to learn the hard way. That is looking at what others have and becoming envious or angry that I have worked so hard and still don't have some of the things I want and feel I deserve.

     That makes me angry or hurt. I can't understand why others deserve so much better, or what I perceive as better, than what I have. But God tells us in Philippians 4:19, "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Wow, that is profound. It speaks to me that I may think I need it but is it a want or a need.

     When we don't get what we want, we can become angry, cry, have a temper tantrum or whatever.  We feel cheated, but we really aren't.  We just project that feeling onto ourselves.  We aren't cheated because what we want was not ours and so no one took it from us.

     There is a story in the bible that tells of a Master who hired workers to work in his vineyard. (Matthew 20:1-16). He hired the men and told them what they would be paid for the work that they did. Some began at the start of the day, early in the morning. Others started in the afternoon, and yet still, others started late in the day.

     At the end of the day, the master paid the workers the agreed upon wage. Imagine the way those who were hired first felt when they saw that those hired last were paid the same wage. They became angry and wanted more pay. The owner explained to them that they agreed to do the work for that amount. He told them to take the wage and go. The workers felt this was unjust, they felt it unfair that some worked 1 hour and got paid the same as those who worded a full day. How unfair. Or is it?

     You see, they all agreed to work for the wage the owner hired them at.  It didn't change what they agreed on just because the others worked less time. It was the wage they agreed to at the start of the day and didn't change because others agreed to the same pay for less work.

     In today's day and age, I'm sure if this happened, people would want to protest, cause riots, burn down the vineyards, or boycott the business. But life is not always fair, and its not meant to be.  This story is God's way of telling us that life isn't always fair. That there are those who will come into the fold later in life, after a life of sin and living their way. God will welcome them with open arms and heaven will rejoice just as it did when you were first saved.

     We should all rejoice at this because they were saved, not be envious or jealous because they lived a life of sin and than repented and were saved.  Would you really have been happier if you had lived life in sin and gotten saved later, or even with your last breath? Do you think life would have been so much better this way?

     How about looking at it this way. You were saved earlier, you got to know the Lord early on in life. You spent time getting to know Him, reading His word, in fellowship with Him and worshiping Him. You grew that relationship and learned so much along the way. You may have been instrumental in someone else coming to the Lord. How much more is that worth to you?

     For me, its invaluable. Its the time, the lessons, the grace, the mercy, and so much more. The life lessons I have learned during that time. The journey of falling in love with the Lord and being blessed with all that He has given me. WOW!!!

      To me its like Proverbs 3:13-14. "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. For its profit is far better than the profit of silver, and its gain than fine gold."  I mean, what could be better than that? NOTHING!  Its laid out in terms man can understand, but it speaks of the riches and glory we receive from our Heavenly Father.

     So I will leave you with this.  How will you choose to face what you see as unfairness?  Will you face it with faith, or anger? With love or hate?  Half full, or half empty? The choice is yours!

     Be blessed friends as you go through your weekend.
                               Yours truly,
                               Carrie

Wait on the Lord, and again I say wait.

May 1, 2019.  Happy May day.

     So it has nearly been a year since I have written. Boy life has gotten busy and I have not written on my blog. I have continued to journal so what I am going to write today will be from a journal writing from last year and the one I wrote again recently following surgery.

     Yes I said surgery. This girl finally decided that in order to better care for others, she had to take care of herself. It was a rough surgery, there were some minor complications, but the Lord pulled me through it and recovery is taking place as I write.

     In March of last year, I wrote in my personal journal about waiting on the Lord. I am well aware that patience is not one of my better virtues. I figure out what I want to do, or where I want to be, and than I proceed to want it right then and there. Funny thing is, patience is just what the Lord is making be learn through this surgery and recovery period.

     So this year, my journal had the same theme, so I titled it, "Wait again".  I found myself in a place where I needed to wait on the Lord and trust in the process taking place. Ugh, the whole patience thing again. I think God is trying to make it one of my better virtues possibly.

     I feel like I trust God and his plan for my life, but patience is such a challenge for me. I feel I need the answer now, to know the outcome even before something has taken place. I feel out of control when this doesn't happens, and out of control feels icky to me. But I am learning that when I am not in control, God is. This is real trust, and something I am learning through the healing process.

     Doing this means having faith, and faith means trusting whether I know the outcome or not. I must trust that the outcome will be just what God has planned and that He knows what my life needs, and will provide. He does not want me walking in fear, but in that faith that I proclaim to have.

     Through some of the difficulties I have had since surgery, I found myself looking things up on the internet. This really wasn't wise as it opened me up to even more fear than faith. Did you know, the internet is pessimistic? You can type in symptoms or questions about something and its going to give you the worst possible scenarios. I mean really, what better way than this to convince you that your sicker than you are, or worse, your dying.
 
     Instead of thinking I must know everything, I am learning to just rest, wait in the Lord, and trust that his outcomes for my life are better than anything I could think of myself. I read in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven."  And in John 16:33 RED LETTER "These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have over come the world."

     In Psalms 27:14 we see the title of this blog in verse. It says, "Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Its so important that we wait for the Lord that the Psalmist writes it twice. Wait, and again wait. Stop trying to figure your life out on your own and before its time. Begin to live life one day at a time.

     Seek the Lord when you run into things your unsure about and see if its something He has designed for you to deal with at this time. If not, let it go. When we do this, we can begin to have a life that runs more smoothly instead of thinking that everything has to have an answer or a fix at this exact moment. This will free you up for a more simple, less hectic and less stressful life.

     When we wait on the Lord, focus on Him and not the noise of the world, all the chaos that has been our norm begins to lose its power. The world may continue in chaos, but in Him we find peace. Remember, He overcame the world so that we might have peace.

     Blessings to you and yours and may Gods peace reign in your life this week.