The breaking of the dam.

     So the last 2 days have been really rough. I really was not sure what was going on inside of me as the emotions were so powerful that I didn't know how to feel them or express them. Finally they just exploded on Monday. I liken it to shaking up a soda and then opening it. It explodes everywhere. Well that's what happened to me. I kept loading more and more emotions inside and finally, they exploded.
     I was sitting at dinner and just started to cry. I kept telling myself to just breathe through it but I couldn't. It felt like all of a sudden I was hit smack in the face with all the losses I have experienced through life. Loss of innocence, loss of my childhood, loss of loved ones. And let me tell you, having it all his at once was not fun. It hurt so deeply it felt like I was going to die from it. It felt like I was drowning in it and there was no help in sight.
     I finally was able to leave the dining room and go out into the fireplace room and get myself under control.  It was only with the help of one of the M.C's that I was able to stop crying so hard and breathe. I was seeing stars and I am sure I was hyper-ventilating. It was so scary to have such powerful emotion take over my whole being. I couldn't even think of anything but the loss. And it kept washing over me.
     The MC started talking to me and finally got through. She helped me to slow my breathing down enough so the I could finally sit up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I could focus on her voice and on the air I was taking into my lungs and then exhaling out. To be in tune with what my body was doing and what I was truly feeling. Once under control, I was finally able to talk.
     I told her that it was like as if my dad, grandma, uncle and cousin had all died at once. Also my sister since she is no longer talking to me. All that loss at one time felt entirely to overwhelming. I felt like I was being crushed by it. It was so horrible. So exhausting. So suffocating. And it was something I didn't want to let happen. I felt so embarrassed. Like everyone was looking at me and saying, "look at her." What's the matter with her?" "Drama Queen." And many other ugly things I have heard throughout my life. Things that made me feel ugly, unworthy, unwanted and unwelcome. Things that I have kept tucked deep down inside.
     The hurt and ugliness that was done to me as a child came roaring back. It is not something I wanted to think about or to face. And the loss of my eating disorder. It has been such a part of me for so long, I am terrified about who am I now without it. Of course I am sure it is still lurking somewhere but I am choosing not to give it space. I am choosing not to let it crowd out the good things I am learning here. I want this recovery so that I can finally relax in my life. To not feel like I need to always be keeping the secret or to be hiding things all the time. To enjoy time with family without the eating disorder taking me away from the memories I could be creating.
     I am beginning to feel like it is possible for me to separate from it and truly let it go. Like it is no longer alive and living in me. Controlling my every move, every thought, every moment. I feel like it is outside of me and without being in me anymore that it is losing its grip on me. And also losing its life source. Only I can give it life and by choosing to push it away from me, it will die. Of that I must keep hoping. If it doesn't, then I could.
     So today was the first day I really felt like I could beat this. Like I could give it up and it won't kill me. It isn't who I am anymore. And I won't look back and say that it was who I was either. I don't want to give it power over me anymore. I want to live free of it.
     And so, I have chosen to release the dam and let it all flow away from me. To cleanse me of it. To truly know freedom.

Listening

     So tonight as I am sitting on the balcony, I am just listening. There are cars driving by, planes flying overhead and crickets chirping. The crickets chirping makes me think of home. Of the quietness of the night. Here nighttime is always noisy. It is the city and there is always someone going somewhere. And the lights. So many lights that it makes it so very hard to sleep. So many things that distract me from getting good, solid sleep.

     So it got me to thinking. We had a lesson in which we practiced listening to someone else and then repeating back what they said. Others in the room were talking or making noise, there was noise out in the hall, and the room we were in is next to a bathroom so you could hear noise from there as well. All of it was very distracting. Made it very hard to concentrate on the person talking.

     I thought about how many times when I am talking to someone, I kind of pick and choose what I listen to. If it isn't something I am interested in, I may zone out. I may start thinking about other things while sitting there listening to them. And I thought wow. How does it make me feel when I think that someone is not listening to me? It doesn't feel good that's for sure. It makes you feel like that person doesn't even think that I am important enough to really pay attention to. That is sad.

     So if I notice that someone is not really paying attention to me, I might just stop talking or say never mind. And if it happens enough times, I feel like what I have to say is not valid. Its not something worth any ones time. It shuts me down. I lose my "voice".  That is to say that I am not able to express my needs. And to be honest. This really hurts. I don't like it and then I get upset that I feel angry. Then I feel guilty.

    I am also learning that it is not only important to listen to others but it is critical that I begin to listen to myself. Listen not just to what my mind might be trying to say to me but to listen to what my body language is. What reaction is my physical self having in any given situation? Am I getting nervous, anxious, angry, sad. What physical bodily changes are happening and what do they mean. Maybe sometimes I do not realize that I am felling a certain way and  if I could learn to listen to my body, it will give me clues.

     If I learn this self listening and not just the noise that is always running through my mind, but really listen, I begin to discover who I am and what makes me tick. I start to notice things and I can begin to allow myself to feel things that normally I just shut off. I don't allow myself to feel or to listen to the signals my body may be trying to tell me. I suppress and by doing so it costs me. I like to think of it like filling a bottle. You can only fill a bottle so much. Once it is full, it has to escape somehow. It either gets a slow leak or it explodes. And when bottles explode, it really makes a mess.

     That is what I have been doing by hiding in my eating disorder. I shove the feelings inside until there is no more room. Once I feel full, I have to let it out. This means I will binge to try to hide the feelings, then I purge in order to make room for more feelings. The problem with this is that I never address the feelings. I never fully explore what they are and just let myself feel them. I feel the tension constantly there because I never really let all of it out. By only making a little room and then stuffing the feelings down again, I hurt myself even more. The feelings never get addressed and I never deal with them. They just get shuffled around and then put back in the bottle. Again the pressure builds.

     So by becoming more aware of this and by accepting the knowledge that it is ok to feel, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to see that I don't have to live my life hiding my emotions. Yes emotions make people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should hide or stuff them down. You need to let them out and most people will not judge you for them. They will come along side you and help you to let them out. I just need to be willing to let myself, first of all, feel them, and second to let others know that I am feeling them. Not just anyone, because there are those who won't be helpful, but those who I can trust and I know have my best interest at heart.

     I know that by doing this, I am heading towards recover. To complete and total healing. I know it won't be easy. The road to recovery is a long and arduous one, but in the end I know I will find peace. I will find self-worth and self-love. I will finally get to meet myself, the real me, the me who was always there but always hiding under the surface. I am getting excited to see who that is and to get to really know her. To embrace her and to let her live.

    

Getting to know me.

So I am on day 4 here. Today by far has been the hardest. I have had to delve deep into my past. To talk about things that are not very comfortable for me to talk about, let alone with strangers. I have had to remember things that I would rather not think about. Ask myself questions about my past that I would like to leave buried and not bring to the surface. And of course, I have cried.

     I cry because the remembering brings up all the old wounds. Wounds that I let just get covered over and never really got healed. I never accepted them and just dealt with them. They are easier to stuff down inside. Easier to hide away and not have to look at them.

     So in looking at them, I have to feel. I have to recognize that they are hurtful and they make me feel very uncomfortable. I would rather pretend that everything is fine and I am perfectly ok. Addressing them means I must also take accountability for my decisions that may have lead to certain circumstances or problems. Yes it would be easy to just blame others for all my problems. To say that I had a bad childhood therefore I do what I do. But that is not the truth.

     Even if things were bad for me, it does not excuse my behavior. It does not make it ok to binge and purge. It does not mean that I can just run around practicing poor judgment and bad habits.  It does not give me the right to hurt myself, belittle myself, or to have bad thoughts about who I am. It means that I do not have to hide behind my weight. That it is ok for me to just be me.

     There in lies the problem, I don't really know who I am. I always thought I did but I see now that I wasn't truly me, I was just being whoever I thought others wanted me to be. To behave or look a certain way because I thought that is what others expected. Never being able to live up to what I thought others wanted me to be, I became frustrated. I began to loathe who I was, I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror anymore. I felt so unworthy of love or even friendship.

     I really lost my voice. Or felt like I didn't deserve to even have a voice. I felt like I just needed to be quite and go along with what everyone else wanted of me. To do what they said or always volunteer to do what others didn't want to. I never knew the word no. It wasn't in my vocabulary. I worried that if I ever said no, that person would no longer like me. That they would never talk to me again, That they may no longer be a part of my life, or worse, they would, but they would be mean and hateful to me.  That is something I just could never take. It felt to personal, like it was my fault that someone didn't like me.

     Here, I am learning that if someone chooses not to like me, that is their feelings and no reflection on who I am as a person. That it is impossible for me to please everyone all the time. In attempting to do this, I invalidate myself and make myself feel meaningless.  That I am beautiful in any shape and that being healthy is more important than what the scale says. The mirror is just a reflection of the outside and in no way represents who I am as a person. That I have value and worth that goes far beyond my clothing size.

     I am many different things and many things to different people. I am a child of God first and foremost. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend and co-worker. That what I have to offer is important to those I touch each and everyday. I don't have to matter to everyone, I just need to matter to one person. I need to be true to myself and value my self before anyone else can value me. Its hard because all I have ever done is negative self talk. I always tried to compare myself to others and once I found myself lacking, I would act out my bad choices. I hated what I was doing but at the same time, I was comfortable in it. I couldn't control what was going on around me but I could control my eating disorder. Of course now I realize that I was telling myself a lie.

     So I am now learning to value myself first. To understand that I am not going to look like others around me because God created us all to be different. We may like similar things but we are very individual. And I recognize that I am a beautiful creation of God's and that He made me just the way he wanted me to be. He has a purpose for my life. One that means living behavior free. No longer feeling like I must always shove my feelings aside for others so that they are happy. I am not in control of their happiness only mine.

     So now I need to focus on me and my recovery. Stop worrying about every else's problems. I can't solve their needs. I can only work on my own problems. And that is ok. I don't have to.

     Well I am exhausted. Today I have been run through the emotional ringer. I am going to bed and I know tomorrow will be another day of peeling back to the layers to find out who I really am. I am excited to see what lies ahead. Good night and God bless.

I survived

     So I survived my first day in treatment, or as they call it, recovery.  To be honest, it was very intense. I am so very exhausted.  It was a lot of talking, crying and walking up and down stairs. The staff is wonderful though. Everyone really listens to you and are very sweet. It also included a lot of paperwork. My eyes hurt and my head is aching a little.

      I also got moved in to my  apartment here. I then went back to the treatment center to complete my intake. That was tough. I had to say goodbye to Ed earlier and then go and talk to all these strangers about how I got here. All together it was a very uncomfortable and emotional day. By the time we finished and I got back to my room, I had a massive headache. I called Ed and begged him to come an get me. I didn't want to be here anymore and I felt like I could go home and be ok.

     Well Ed said no of course. I do need to be here. I know that but there are times I just want to go home. I just want to do what I know. Not the bulimia, just go back to work and be at home with my husband. I want to clean or do dishes in my own house. To live my life. But that isn't my life anymore. My life now is here in treatment for awhile. I know I can do this.

     So I caught myself asking God why He would have allowed me to get to this point. Of course He had to remind me that I have free will. That I get to choose what I do with my life. He is not going to force anyone, including me, into doing something. We get the choice. I get the choice. And unfortunately, I made the wrong choices and ended up here.

     I am learning that it is ok to express my feelings here. I had a session where I started to cry and then stopped myself. The counselor told me to stop holding my feelings in. He asked what I would do that. I Told him that I don't feel like it is ok to cry. That I had been told in the past not to cry and so I tried to train myself no to. I try to hold it in as much as I can. It gets out some times but I rein it in quickly and get myself back under control. He said to let it out. So I talked about the pain of the loss of my dad and I cried so hard I was sobbing. I was embarrassed but it felt good to let it out.

     I am learning that I need to express how I am feeling and quit jamming my feelings down inside. I wonder if this isn't why I do what I do. Is  it because I have shoved so many feelings inside that I had no room for the food? Or that I was so full of emotions and feelings that I just tried to purge them out by doing what I did? These are things I hope to begin exploring as I go through treatment. I want to be set free from all of the thoughts I have around food. I want to be able to walk through a day without constantly wondering what I am going to eat and whether it is that I call an acceptable food. I want to stop focusing on my body so much that I never feel happy anymore.

     I am learning to look at these feelings and not feel ashamed of them. Talk about things and be honest. I have always been a peace maker even to the extent that I have hurt myself by always putting others before me. I have to learn that I am important and that I am ok. My needs have to come before everyone else because if I don't take care of me first, I won't be around to take care of others. This is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I have been taking care of others since I was little. I have been so worried about others that I tuck all my feelings inside so I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I now see that this wasn't fair to me.

     I am learning that it is ok to feel sad, angry, happy and just blah sometimes. I don't always have to present a happy face. Life is going to throw things at me that I need to learn how to handle. Unkind words, family conflict, illness, rejection, financial problems, and disappointment. When I feel like I am in a challenging moment I need to learn how to handle it and deal with it, not shove it inside and hold on to it. I need to remember that I am never alone. God is always with me, That He is walking beside me and when need be, He will carry me. He is there to help me each and every day to live a life of peace and a life of value. I must begin to understand that I have value, I mean something to someone. That no matter my circumstances, I MATTER. 

     I need just ask God and He will answer. He will listen to me and He genuinely cares about everything I am going through. He knows what I need even before I ask, He listens to me when I cry out to Him. He is always there from the brightest day to the darkest night. He created me and He loves me. I now need to learn to love myself. I need to recognize that I have value, meaning and worth.  There is so much more to me then just my outward appearance. I have a heart, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, honesty, integrity, loyalty. I more than my disorder, I am Carrie, I am valued and loved by my family and friends and I am not alone in this journey.

     So begins day three of my treatment. I have high hopes and a positive attitude about today. I know that this is the day that the Lord has mad and that I will be rejoicing and I will be glad. And no matter what emotions I experience today, they will not destroy me. I can feel them and let them out and I will be ok. Once I accept this, I can begin to truly heal. I continue to pray that each and every day God will do a good work in me. That He will be with all of my caretakers and that He give them the wisdom and the knowledge to do what needs to be done to get me whole and get me home.

     I pray that everyone have a truly blessed day. That God touch all the hurting hearts that I am here with. That He begin to heal each and everyone so that they can return to life and live, not just exist. I pray for all my family at home and elsewhere, may God put His angels about you and may your day be blessed. And to all my friends, that God would fill your lives with Joy and Peace.

1st Step: The journey begins

     It is very early in the morning. I am packed and ready to go. I didn't sleep so well last night. I had weird dreams. I guess my body was just responding to my, I don't want to say fear, but the slightly anxious feelings I am having about going into treatment.

     They say the hardest part of recovering from anything is the 1st step. That is admitting you have a problem. Telling someone else about the inner turmoil, the silent grief.  It is a very hard part. The second is making the choice to no longer live in that grief, allowing it to drag you down. Its like being in muck and mire and deciding you want to clean it off.

     The third, and what I think is hardest part for me to this point, is leaving and going into treatment. I know I said this before, but stepping out of my comfort zone and letting someone else be in control is scaring me to pieces. I know that for me, the eating disorder was a way to feel in control of my life. By doing this, I am giving up that thought process. I am going to learn to be in control of my health. I am going to no longer be out of control.

     I realize now that I was never in control of this disease. It always controlled me. What I ate, where I went, how I felt about my self as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and yes as a person. It determined what food was good and what was bad. What I could eat and keep in and what needed to be purged. It tells me that I am ugly and fat and need to always watch what I eat, how much I eat and how much exercise I needed to do.

     So I am tired of all of this. I am tired of living to eat. I am tired of food controlling me. Of society telling me that I am not good enough if I don't look a certain way. I am ready for the change. Scared yes, but oh so ready. As I read in Luke 4:18 today I am ready to be Set free from all of the oppression this disease has put in my life. I am ready to be happy again. To feel alive.

     And so it begins. I am leaving now. The 1st step is today.

     Father, You are the Author of my life. You know what it is I need. I trust in You. I lean on You. I know that You, and not I, are in control. I pray not that my will but Lord, Your will be done in my life. I know that you will guide my path, build me up, strengthen and grow me through this experience. I no longer leave with trepidation but with rejoicing in my heart that I am going to be healed. I know that You are by my side through this whole thing and that you will continue to be with me. Thank You Father for all of your love. Amen

Change

     So tomorrow I leave for treatment. I am very anxious about the whole thing. I worry, will I really be able to get better, can they help me, what will I have to eat, how can I do this without Ed. I want to scream and cry, I want to take back the fact that I even told anyone about my disorder so I can just go back to living. But that wasn't really living and I don't really want to go back.

     Its raining so beautifully outside right now. It reminds me that this treatment is like the rain. I will have to endure the storm. The wind, rain, lightening and thunder, and maybe even a little hail. I will be blown around a bit, but in the end I will be washed. Not new, because new would mean no longer me, but washed. I can except that.

     I love the rain and the way it makes everything feel clean. It smells fresh. It looks clean. It gives life giving water and helps things to grow. And so I must face my treatment with the same attitude. It will make me feel clean, fresh, and help me grow. It will take who I am and help me to see. It will show me where I need to change so I can be better.

     I am going to have to learn to stay and not to run from things. When I was little and there was a rain storm I would run and hide. So I have done with many things in my life. As I have gotten older, I have learned to stay and not run. I will do the same with this treatment. I will stay and not run. I will not give into the fear that tells me to hide or deny. I will not feel unworthy of help. I will not try to do this alone any more.

     I thought coming out and telling everyone about my eating disorder was going to be hard but I think leaving tomorrow for treatment will be harder. I think the initial week will be the hardest to adjust to. I will have to learn to rely on others to step in and be in control. To know what is best for me and I know I don't do so well with that. But I will learn.

     They say the only sure thing in this world is change. Everything changes. And so will I.

The Path I Choose

     Yesterday my husband and I decided to take a trip into the mountains. We looked up some places we thought we might like to hike to. We saw one near us that had a waterfall on the trail so we picked that one. The write up on it said that the hike was fairly easy and so why not. Well, we were in for a big surprise.

     As we started out, the trail was nice. Pretty level and not to hard. We walked through a beautiful aspen grove all the while hearing the river rushing by us. It was such a peaceful sound. We laughed and talked and we were very confident. This was going to be an easy hike and we laughed about how our son had declined to come with us because he thought it would be to rough and take to long. Well....

     Our first indicator that maybe the hike wasn't going to be so easy came when we got to a section about 20 minutes into the hike. My husband decided to go the low route and I decided to climb up and over.  Well as it turns out, he choose the easy path and mine was a struggle. I had to fight to find places to put my hands and feet so that I would not slide down the rock face and break my neck in the river. I had to use every muscle in my body just to keep myself going.

     Now don't think that my husbands choice was so easy. He to had some struggles but it was not as hard as mine. He had to make sure he placed his feet in the right spot in the river so as not to fall in and soak his self as well as the pack holding all that we needed. This happened several more times along the trail. I would think I knew which way was easier, but found out each time that it was not. My sweet husband never even told me, "I told you so," even though he had every right to.  

      After about 2 hours, we finally made it to the waterfall. We were worn out and weak but we felt like we had accomplished something. We were rewarded by the beautiful site. The waterfall was spectacular and well worth the hike. The rocks surrounding us stretched up to the sky. The cool breeze blowing through the canyon felt so wonderful. It was so relaxing. Then came the realization that we had to hike back out. We had to climb back up the mountain and follow the path back. UGH!

     As we started back up the steep climb, I felt a gentle voice say to me, "Choose Your Path."  I looked at my husband but it wasn't he who had spoken to me. I wanted to cry because I felt like I had no strength to get back up the rocks and hike all the way back to our truck let alone choose the right path. After all, getting there I seemed to make all the wrong choices. I wanted to just tell my husband to go ahead and leave me there. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to take another step.  The voice spoke again this time telling me, "You chose this path, now finish the journey."

     It was then I realized that this hike was just like the eating disorder Journey I have been on. You see, all those years ago, I made a choice.  I decided to follow the path that was so much harder. The path that led me into the darkness of the disease. The path that, although I thought it was easy, was so hard to traverse. The path with unsure footing and large boulders in the way. The one that took so much longer to reach the same destination. What a fool I was when I knew that the path I was choosing was the wrong one, kind of like our hike yesterday. And the hardest part isn't getting to where I am now. It's the path back.

     I don't want anyone to think that this is going to be easy for me. I have to be away from my family and friends, my job, my house, my dog and everything I am familiar with. Like the hike I was on yesterday, I must push outside of my comfort zone and probably outside of what I think I am capable of dealing with. I have always had my husband to turn to when I feel like I can't handle something. This time it's just me and God, oh and my treatment team.

     I made my grief what it is today and although no one who was in their right mind would choose this path, I know that good will come out of it. The journey will hopefully teach me virtue, wisdom, compassion, give me insight, patience, character and empathy. And as I learn to lean in deeper, an intimate relationship with the One who created me. There has been tears, heartache and pain but I believe that God has been with me along path I have taken.  He has just been waiting for me to realize I chose the wrong path.

     The trek back was hard but this time I listened to my husband. I followed where he led and stepped where he stepped. I allowed him to help me when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own. So even though the journey is hard, uses parts of me that I have never tapped into, takes me back to places I would never choose to go, I know that God, my husband, my family and my friends will be there to help. I just need to let them. I need to accept help so that I will learn and I will grow. And I will gain the treasures that grief offers just as I learned the treasures that the hike kept hidden. Without the journey, you never see that.

     I leave today's blog with a verse that is going to help me along this path. Romans 5: 3-5.  "And not only this, but we also exult n our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."