Be strong to Be strong

                     I have not blogged for a long time. Writing has always been something I have done for me. It is cathartic to put a pen to paper, express my inner most feelings, and capture moments of my life. I have also been a storyteller. When I was young, I would hold my mom's friends captive with elaborate stories of travels to other worlds, travel back into time, and mythical creatures. My imagination was full, thoughts always swirling in my head. 

     I would even tell myself stories to fall asleep to, and if I am honest, I still do at times. Stories are a way of escape. You can leave behind all the troubles you have, and travel to different places, different times, and pretend that you are the person in the stories. My stories were a way to express a strength in the characters that I wished I possessed. 

      I always imagined that if I could just speak up for myself, be stronger, say no, that my life would be so much better. I had the right concept, just not the strength to do what my heroines did. To voice opinions, speak my truth, set boundaries. My characters were courageous in the face of danger, while I was even more timid than a house mouse. I would often refer to myself as a door mat. Wow, seeing that in writing kind of stings.

     So, that timid mouse continued to allow others to speak over, push around, intimidate, bully, and harm her.  She walked around on eggshells always fearing that others would see her, recognize her weakness, and then pounce like a cat ready for its next victim. She always had a pit in her stomach, a lump in her throat, and like a rollie poly, was looking for ways to make herself as small and invisible as possible.

     One place I did have a voice, I found out when I was about 3 years old, was in singing. I first started singing while sitting on the organ bench next to my grandmother as she would play and sing. The songs became familiar, and soon I was crooning right along with her. I can even remember the first time someone said man she can sing. There was momentary elation that I was recognized and praised, and then instant fear set in. Why you might ask, well, let me tell you. 

     I was a child of abuse, not from my family, but from strangers. Being abused causes a reaction in your body. People who have been abused can react differently, but my reaction was fear. I learned that being noticed meant I could become a target for those who like to harm children. Those who prowl around looking for those who are timid.

     I have since learned that those who perpetrate, know how to spot a vulnerable person so easily. They become so good at detecting because they have an insatiable appetite and will stop at next to nothing to feed it. I mean, think of the big bad wolf, only they devour your very being, your soul, those very things that give a person confidence. 

     My big bad wolf came in different forms throughout my life. It set me on a path, that as I stepped into adulthood, allowed that same mentality, to continue to dictate how I felt about me. You may not understand it, because it took my therapist nearly two years to help me understand, but I felt like I somehow caused these people to hurt me. I know, looking back now I understand how that was not possible, but as child, a teen, and then an adult, I needed to blame someone for the things that happened, so being the person I had become, it stood out to me that the common denominator in these circumstances was??? You guessed it, ME! 

     So, while your sitting there wondering what is going on, or maybe how someone could blame themselves for the actions of an adult, I have studied and learned that this is common for those who have suffered abuse, physical, mental, and sexual. Yep, you read that right, even child victims of sexual abuse, will blame themselves for actions of an adult. 

     There is so much more to that, but I am not going to go into that right now. What I want to continue with is the way I changed my thought process, healed from 55 years of feeling like I was worth little, the cause of my abuse, and not able to speak up for myself. It was not easy and the work was very painful at times. 

     After years of abuse, and learning how to distract focus off of myself, I was faced with a choice. You see, I knew I was deflecting with my therapist. I knew I was throwing her off course and avoiding discussing the root of my problem. I have to give her so much kudos as she knew what I was doing, but instead of calling me out on it, which some therapists do, she allowed me to process, do other work, until the day I finally said enough is enough, don't let me get off track, here is my story.

     I will never forget how hard it was to walk through each episode of abuse, each instance when I was taken advantage of. I even remember telling her one episode and saying well I did this. She looked at me, asked how old I was, how old the perpetrator was, and the proceeded to tell me I was not at fault. I was at an age I could say no, I was nearing adulthood, but the adult who did this thing was the adult and in no uncertain terms should have done it anyways. 

     Even writing this I can feel that old familiar lump in my throat. It's almost like I swallowed something the wrong way and its stuck.  My therapist said that's because as a child, I could not speak up, my voice was silenced by the adults who hurt me. This, she explained in one of my sessions, is what causes that lump now. It's called a trauma response. It is a survival mechanism that is activated in the sympathetic nervous system. 

     In sessions and classes, and being a nurse, I understand that the sympathetic nervous system released chemicals in our body. These chemicals, cortisol and adrenaline, create a fight or flight response. Energy and anger, anxiety or panic. Now they have discovered 2 more responses which are freeze or fawn, Paralysis, numbness, or pleasing others. All of these responses can cause lasting effects in the body and I mean every part of the body.

     Our bodies if exposed to this trauma for longer periods cause trauma storage. These responses are armoring (defensiveness, shallow breathing, being rigid), weakened immune system (increased susceptibility to illness), chronic pain and disease (due to long term cortisol exposure), and finally disconnection (feeling numb, dissociation, or even a lack of awareness of body). 

     So, I continued to work with my therapist, realizing that through vulnerability, sharing of a story that to most seems like a horror movie, I could begin a healing deep within my brain, reduce that trauma response, and become a stronger adult. I had to be strong, to be strong. Strong enough to share the darkest parts of my stories, work through the fear, learn my worth, and be able to stand up to those who normally would walk all over me.

     No this was not easy for me because I am a very kind person, always thinking about how what I say and do might affect others. In my mind, setting boundaries, speaking my truth, and telling others no made me so uncomfortable. Of course I wasn't doing all of this work just to give up now. I needed to see this through because I was sick and tired of feeling this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat all of the time.

     There was a few times in my life where I stood up for myself, and when I say few, I mean very few. My therapist picked up on that and had me tap into how I felt at those times. I let her know I felt powerful, strong, confident. They were times when I was standing up for others, but I spoke my truth in those times, and was vocal, not backing down. It felt great.

     Using that information, my therapist began helping me tap into that. So, I had been working at a job where I was being treated so bad. No matter what I did, said, or the hours I worked, I was told it was not enough, I was not enough, that everything I did was not enough. I was also made to feel that if I stuck up for myself, I was I was in the wrong. 

     It came to a point where I was called into the office, others were there, I was literally ambushed by people I trusted, those I thought were my friends and in my corner. The worst part was my direct supervisor was leading the ambush. I felt that old familiar knot in my stomach, lump in my throat, and inablity to speak or move, and I had had it. I was done!!!!

     I stood up and said I am done. I walked out, completed my day, and went home and wrote my immediate resignation. It was hard because I loved my job. I called my therapist, shared my resignation letter, and for the first time in my life, I chose me. It was so scary, and I wasn't sure how it would turn out, but I trusted in God, walked to the edge, and jumped.

     What a feeling. A strength I had never felt in my life came forth and I spoke my truth. It was liberating, like a weight was lifted, and for once in my life, the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat were gone. I could breathe, a deep, unencumbered breath. Freedom like I have never felt and a relief. It was the beginning to a new life, one I had only ever dreamed of, one where I finally had a voice! 

     I am never going back again; I couldn't with knowing what I know now. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. No one has the right to push their thoughts or opinions on you. We teach others how to treat us, so I will no longer allow myself to be used as a doormat. I am a beautiful, strong, compassionate, loving, faithful, kind woman. 

The Struggle

      We all struggle. It is just a part of life. Each of us struggle for different reasons, and with different things. It can also depend on the time of year, what is currently happening in our lives, or how we feel about ourselves.

     My struggle lately has just been with everything. I wrestle with myself about my weight, my home, and most of all, and most importantly, my faith. I know this isn't a new topic, but it's been new to me. New because my faith has always been so strong and seen me through so many good, and bad times. Our strength may falter at times, that is a given. 

     My faith has been tested in ways I never thought it would. My father passing, my aunt Mary passing, my children all moving away meaning my grandchildren taken farther away. Job changes, trauma being addressed, and family growing more and more distant. 

     I am not the first, nor will I be the last to experience this. It happens to people the world over, every single day. Some face it with bravery, strength, and faith. Others let it drag them into a deep, dark place from which there appears to be no hope. We look to the negative rather than focusing on God and His promises. 

     The struggle ca be lonely, like you are responsible for carrying the weight on your own. Even if you are married, have family, friends, or a church family, you are lonely. You choose you to try to figure it all out in your own. You are walking through cobwebs that grab and cling in a gossamer blanket. You feel like you can't move, there is no escape. 

     But there is escape. You can make a way and find hope again. You may have to travel through paths you never wanted to find yourself on. There are huge boulders, cliffs, quicksand, and dangers with every step, but if you put your eyes on Jesus, the path will become easier as He guides it. Lean into Him, and trust what He tells you.

     I am working on that. Keeping my focus on the Lord and trusting Him during this journey. It is not easy. So many times, the negative tries to capture my attention, to get me to leave my faith behind and delve headlong into the darkness. 

     God never promised that faith would be easy. That choosing to follow Him would mean our lives would be filled with joy and happiness all the time. What He did promise is that in those dark times, when we feel so lost and cold, we have only to turn to Him, and He will wrap us in His loving arms. He will help us navigate the hard path, and lead us to even ground again. We can trust in Him always. 

Lamp to light the Way

 Psalms 119:105 

Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

      The world can be a dark place. Not in terms of sunlight or night-time, but in terms of the way people are, things that are happening, or the way you feel. Loneliness can make it feel very dark. You would think in a world full of people, how could one feel lonely? Well, they can and do.

     There are many reasons why a person could feel lonely. Isolation, by choice, or because of location or just because they are not the kind of person to just put their self out there to make friends. Whatever the reason, it was not God's plan for us to be alone. He wants us to have fellowship with other Christians.

     This concept of a person not being alone was first addressed in Genesis. God had created man and all other living creatures. Two of every living thing. He then realized that Adam was alone. Although the earth was full, Adam had no one like him. So, God created Eve. 

     The reason was so that man would not be alone. From my nursing perspective, and as noted in psychology, we have seen studies where babies who are without mothers, or people are isolated from others do not do well. They do not develop properly, or they go insane. That is because we are created for relationships. We need one another. Fellowship, someone to talk to, share your thoughts and ideas with someone to dream with, laugh with, or even cry with. 

     The darkness of being lonely can lead to very bad things. The mind can play tricks, the devil steps in and makes one feel like death is the only answer. With death, the ugly lie whispers, pain will cease. That is an out and out untruth. With that type of death is a pain that far surpasses any worldly pain. An eternal pain that will never go away. It is terrible. It is a pain that forever separates us from those we love. Eternity in a dark place void of love or peace.

     Grief can lead us to a dark place, especially a grief that is unexpected. We are traveling along in this life just minding our business when death strikes without warning. Maybe it's a terminal diagnosis, a car accident, a sudden death of a loved one we were not prepared for. It is for this very reason that people decide to be alone or stay alone. They figure without relationships; I will not hurt. 

     Let me tell you, life without relationships hurts us far more than we could ever fathom. Persons who have no desire to have relationships do not understand compassion, empathy, or love. These types of people can be devoid of human emotions. They can grow up to become people who can hurt others in physical or emotional ways, and they suffer no conscience for doing so. These people are the ones who can easily slip into becoming serial killers, or physical abusers. 

     God's concept of relationships was one in which we find another person, or persons, with whom we can share this journey called life with. This can come in the form of family, friends, or spouse. We must also remember that friendships can be reason, season, or lifetime friendships. Not all the people we meet are meant to be involved in our day to day life forever. 

     The reason friends are the ones that come into our lives to help us through something. It could be a struggle like raising young kids, being a single parent, walking with us through a divorce or breakup, or helping during the death of a loved one. They or we do not know that at the time, but in retrospect we see that that was the purpose for those relationships. 

     Then there are seasonal friends. These friends are a part of a season in our life. This could be in school, as a single person, young married person, new parents, when kids leave home, or any season we may be going through in our life. These types of friends leave a bigger hole when they leave, but again, we can look back and see there was a season we needed them for. 

     Then there are lifetime friends. These types of relationships last a lifetime. It does not mean you spend every single day with them, or even see them all the time. They are friendships that are there and the people we know we can turn to in times of hardship or celebration. These friends step in when they know we need them. They help us navigate the hardest times in our lives as well as push us to grow. They are our biggest fans, our broadest shoulders, and just plain good for our soul. 

     As you can see, relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. Not one fits all situations. Just like we should not depend on only one person to fulfill our relationship needs. We need different friendships for different situations. My marital relationship fills a need that no one else can fill. My relationship with my children is different for each one and also fills needs that no one else can fill. Last but not least, my outside friendships fill needs that are different for each one. 

     To wrap it up, remember that relationships should be a light in our life. They will ebb and wain. They will be good, bad, and ugly at times. They help us grow, teach us about ourselves, and should nurture us in our needs. A relationship should not bring darkness, anger, or physical harm continuously. With this in mind, at times a relationship can bring anger, and pain, but it should never result in a physical harm. 

     Be blessed and may God keep you!

     

Being Grateful When Life is Hard

      Life these last few years has been hard to say the least. People have struggled with even day to day living. losing loved ones, struggling through health issues, and just the changes we have seen. I can see where bitterness could sneak into your life, consume any joy, and plant a root of negativity. Once this happens, it's so hard to see the good, the blessings, the things to be grateful for. 

     Being grateful is a very powerful emotion. it's one that if cultivated can strengthen our journey through very difficult times. Times when we get a bad health report, get disappointed or discouraged, the hard seasons that we must all face at one time or another. Every person on this planet and who has ever lived has walked through a hard season. So, how do we feel grateful in these hard times?

     It is not the easiest thing to say thank you to God when you're wading through the muck and mire of difficulties in life. How do we find a grateful heart the struggles? Well, that is a great question and one that there is an answer for. You see, we can look to God's word to find ways to be thankful. It's when we stop focusing on the moment, seeing only the struggle we are in, and look to God's word in scripture that we can find ways to be grateful. 

     God gave us the Psalms to teach us how to find gratefulness for the difficult times. There are stories all throughout that give us ways to be grateful even when we find it hard to take the next step. These Psalms teach us how to cultivate in us a heart that is grateful and worshipful to God.

     My firm belief is that we belong to a God who loves us and cares for us in ways we can't even begin to imagine. He wants the very best for each of us. You might ask if this is true, why do we struggle, why is there sickness, why do I lose my loved ones, and the list goes on. The reason is free will. God will never force us to do what's right, but allows us to make our own choices, even the choice to follow Him and have eternal life, or not.

     God is always good and faithful to His people. In Psalms 100:5 it tells us, "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations. Man that makes my heart sing. This means that for thousands of years, generation after generation, God's love for us has been faithful. This scripture helps me to have an attitude of gratitude, even in the hard times.

     If we can focus on the Lord, even when life makes us feel like we are drowning, we can begin to strengthen our gratitude muscle. Yes, I am aware it is not truly a muscle, but just like a muscle, it must be worked daily. We need to make it a habit to be grateful for what God has done, is doing, and will do in our lives. As we practice this, just like a muscle becomes stronger with work, so will our gratitude. 

     Every day we must remember that God is a good, loving, and faithful God and that there is always something to be grateful for, even in the difficult seasons of life. Just like going to the gym to build our muscles and become stronger, we must get in His word, read, take in, and become stronger. The attitude of gratitude takes over the stinkin thinkin, and before you know it, life can't bring you down because you are the child of the Most High!!!

     I hope you can take a few minutes today to start strengthening your attitude of gratitude. You can start by thanking God for being God, that His love endures forever, and that He is faithful and true. Next, you can thank Him for giving you life. For everything you have, and even for the things you don't have. Thank Him for the hard times that lead you to lean closer to Him, and for those times you will never know about, when His hand covered you and saved you from the very bad. 

     Last but no least, Thank God for all He continues to do in your life. I hope you all find comfort in God and His word. Have a blessed day.

You are ENOUGH

Psalm 34:5-Those who look to him are radiant, ad their faces shall never be ashamed.

     How many times to you hear that inside voice telling you that you are not enough? People don't like you and that you must do more, different, act, or dress a certain way to be accepted. I used to hear this voice speak so loudly to me at times that I could not hear God speaking. 

     I believe we all fear failing. We all want to please those we have around us. We want to be liked, loved, and appreciated. That is the human side of us. It is what we all feel regardless if we admit it or not. We are always disappointed as man will always let us down. We must not get down or feel like our worth is less because of this. 

     We must remember that we are very much loved by God. We can overcome any doubts in our life if we remember that God is always in our corner and that He finds us so very much lovable and beautiful. He will fight for us and we will be victorious. In Zephnaniah 3:17. "The Lord your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." 

      If we look to God and not man, his radiance and glory will shine through us. In this life we want others to see us as, as likable, and to accept us. His light shining through use will cause others to see us in a different way. The radiance of God shining in your face, your deeds, your actions, that is attractive. You may doubt this and think, "I must be beautiful, wear nice clothing, or even have surgery to change the way I look." Well I am just going to tell you that is all temporary.

     The beauty that lives inside of us when we welcome God into our life is one that never fades. It can be carried with you for your entire life. This is what God wants. That beauty or radiance draws those to us that God wants us to share with. He calls us to share His love with the hurting, the lonely, the lost. We are changed from the inside out. 2 Corinthians 3:18/.

     I want to reflect God's love to others. I want to share what I have gone through, what I am going through, and then be able to share what awesome things God has done in those situations. Others may see that as oversharing, but I feel that each experience I have gone through allows me to see others in a different light, have empathy for them, and to reach out to them in a loving way. Do I do this right every time? No, but I am a work in progress. This is why I spend time in His word daily, to continue to learn, to change, and to be transformed into His likeness. 

     I share all of this to encourage you not to always try so hard to make others like you. You are ENOUGH. Walk in God's ways, read His word, and be transformed by His glory. Then others opinions will carry less weight, and you will have more peace!

Achieving the Dream

     The last year and a half has been so hard on us all. We have seen the ravages of a virus that has taken the lives of so very many people. We have watched as our country has fallen apart, American's turning against American's over so many different things.

      I for one stayed working while millions of people were out of work, staying away from others, and feeling so very depressed because they were not allowed to have social interactions with others. I don't know how hard that was because I continued to care for the sick, care for covid patients, hold their hands as they died, tell their loved ones they were gone, and continue caring for others.

     The caring for others has always been my dream. I knew from early on that it was my calling to go into medicine. I thought for the longest time it was to be a Dr. That changed when I met and married my husband.  We spent a year in South Carolina and then 3 years in Germany while he was in the military. 

     During these years I took care of my children, took other children in and cared for them as well. I worked odds and end jobs, went to school for other things, and never felt satisfied. It wasn't until my kids were in high school and middle school that I finally took the leap. I jumped in with both feet and a prayer that God would help me as I navigated being a wife, mother, and nursing student.

     Let me tell you that this is not an easy feat. Nursing school is grueling and demands so much time. There were times that I wanted to quit, but with the encouragement of my family, and knowing God's calling on my life, I persevered. It was not that easy, but I knew what I wanted. 

     Once I graduated, I became a nurse in a small rural clinic in southeastern Colorado. What a learning experience that was. I loved the patients, the Dr. and PA were amazing, and the secretary and I clicked. I was scared when I started, but as time went on, the PA took me under his wing and taught me so very much. He had practiced medicine in England and the way they did things was very different. 

     I went on house calls with the Dr., learned all the phlebotomy methods for blood draws (due to us being so rural, and a satellite clinic for a hospital 26 miles from our clinic), assisted with minor surgical procedures, learned how to sterilize equipment, and paper charting. Things that I don't feel other nurses were doing, I was. Being a farming community, we would deal with even severe emergencies as they came through the door. 

     I remember a time when a man who went to our church walked in and told me the symptoms he was having. I recognized them for a heart attack, called the Dr. who wasn't due for another hour, got an order to give aspirin, and called an ambulance. The man survived because of our actions that day. I learned to trust in myself a little more.

     As years went on, I decided to get my RN license so I could become a Hospice Nurse. That was hard again, but I was determined. I became an RN in 2015. I began my hospice journey and loved it very much. I knew that God had called me to this work, and I just took to it. I was so honored to be with families as they walked this journey. It wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. 

     I decided this summer to start the bachelors of nursing program at our local college. It has stretched me further than I though possible and taught me some very valuable things. I didn't think I ever wanted to go back to school, but figured that it could only benefit me in the long run. I am hoping that I will be done within a year but we will see.

     I tell you all of this so that you to can strive for that dream. I am 52 years old and back in college. I have raised my kids, I have grandkids, and I really thought I was settled in my nursing career. I just felt driven to do something more. To go further, to challenge myself, and to achieve one more dream. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me as I walk through it. 

     Ask God to guide you, chase that dream, live your best life.

      

Aunt Mary

  

     Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. We suffered a tragedy of the worst kind. The loss of my beautiful Aunt Mary. This loss is so profound it rocked me to my core. It has shaken my heart in ways I never thought it could. She was the woman who had a big part in who I am today.  She fed into my life so much love, knowledge, and faith. 

     My Aunt Mary was there from the time I was born. She was so sweet and loved me like a daughter. She would spend time doing my hair, taking me places, and just being there for me. We talked on the phone every day, sometimes 3-4 times. She would pray with me, give me words of advice, and encourage me when I felt lost. 

     I am so fortunate that I have been blessed with such amazing women in my life. My Aunts have always been there for me in so many ways. They helped raise me and guide me through the my childhood and into adulthood. They have poured into me love, knowledge, compassion, faith, honesty, integrity, and again love.

     When I was 16 year old, I was so lost.  I found myself pregnant, hopeless, and feeling like such a failure. I could not even imagine that I was worth anything. I felt as if I had let my family down and disappointed them all. My Aunt Mary had me over to her house and she told me, It's okay Carrie, God loves you and wants you to know how much He loves you.

     I could not even fathom what she was telling me, but over the course of my pregnancy, she continued to tell me of Christ's love for me. I attended church with her on Sunday's and Wednesday nights. We went to every event the church held. Slowly but surely I began to believe what was being said. 

     She continued to lovingly guide me through some of the darkest times in my life, and would always tell me, "if God is for you, who can be against you."  It was April 1st 1985, and with her guidance I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior. For the first time I felt a deep and unconditional love that reached into the core of my being and let me know I was worthy.  This is what my Aunt Mary wanted me to know.

     Through the years she continued to pour into my life. She was there for my wedding, the birth of my children, my triumphs and losses. When I lost my daddy, her brother, she consoled me even though her own heart was breaking. She always had a word of encouragement, hope, love. She would tell me that the storm would pass, and the sun would shine again, and to hang onto my faith.

     All throughout the years she would always pray with me, and I always knew if I had a need, she would pray and I know that I know she had a direct line to God. If you needed prayer, you called Aunt Mary. She would pray and answers would come.

     After I lost my dad, I turned to her because she was a connection to my dad. She was a part of him. I loved hearing her stories of their adventures.  She would tell me stories of when I was little and the things we did. Memories that will be forever held in my heart.

     My Aunt also had a lot of heartache. She loved and loved hard. She was always so loving and giving and her one true heartache was how mean people would be. I would cry when she would call me and tell me about someone being mean to her. How people would reject her for whatever reason. I could not understand how someone could not just love her the way I did. But that's the problem, people can be cruel and sometimes not realize it.

     My aunt only ever wanted to be accepted and appreciated. She tried so hard all the time. She would always tell me, "Carrie, We are so much alike. We just try to do for everyone and hope that they will love us. Then we get so very hurt when they don't." She was so very right because I am just like her. I am proud to be like her in some ways. I can only hope that she knew how very very much she meant to me, and that I can be 1/2 the woman she was. 

     She was never apologetic for her faith, and some people were offended by that. They shouldn't have been.  She just had passion for her faith and didn't want anyone to miss out on eternity. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for the people we love and care about.

     I feel so sad for those who missed out on the relationship they could have had with her. The friendship she offered, the love that she had. To you, you will never know what a beautiful, knowledgeable, compassionate, passionate, faithful, loving person she was. It is truly a loss you will never understand.

     I can hear her voice say, "you will get through this. Know that this to shall pass. Lean into faith, rejoice for me, don't cry for me because today I am in Heaven and with my parents and your dad." Oh aunt Mary, I don't know how I will get through this without you because it is you I would turn to in heartache like this. I won't let you down, I will lean in and I will see you again.

     Aunt Mary, Fly high. I know you walked straight into the arms of Jesus yesterday and that you were whole and healed. You were re-united with your parents, and brother, and for that I am truly jealous. I will cry and hurt for a very long time. Your loss is truly a deep, deep hole in my heart, but I wouldn't wish you back. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH. Until we meet again.