1st Step: The journey begins

     It is very early in the morning. I am packed and ready to go. I didn't sleep so well last night. I had weird dreams. I guess my body was just responding to my, I don't want to say fear, but the slightly anxious feelings I am having about going into treatment.

     They say the hardest part of recovering from anything is the 1st step. That is admitting you have a problem. Telling someone else about the inner turmoil, the silent grief.  It is a very hard part. The second is making the choice to no longer live in that grief, allowing it to drag you down. Its like being in muck and mire and deciding you want to clean it off.

     The third, and what I think is hardest part for me to this point, is leaving and going into treatment. I know I said this before, but stepping out of my comfort zone and letting someone else be in control is scaring me to pieces. I know that for me, the eating disorder was a way to feel in control of my life. By doing this, I am giving up that thought process. I am going to learn to be in control of my health. I am going to no longer be out of control.

     I realize now that I was never in control of this disease. It always controlled me. What I ate, where I went, how I felt about my self as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and yes as a person. It determined what food was good and what was bad. What I could eat and keep in and what needed to be purged. It tells me that I am ugly and fat and need to always watch what I eat, how much I eat and how much exercise I needed to do.

     So I am tired of all of this. I am tired of living to eat. I am tired of food controlling me. Of society telling me that I am not good enough if I don't look a certain way. I am ready for the change. Scared yes, but oh so ready. As I read in Luke 4:18 today I am ready to be Set free from all of the oppression this disease has put in my life. I am ready to be happy again. To feel alive.

     And so it begins. I am leaving now. The 1st step is today.

     Father, You are the Author of my life. You know what it is I need. I trust in You. I lean on You. I know that You, and not I, are in control. I pray not that my will but Lord, Your will be done in my life. I know that you will guide my path, build me up, strengthen and grow me through this experience. I no longer leave with trepidation but with rejoicing in my heart that I am going to be healed. I know that You are by my side through this whole thing and that you will continue to be with me. Thank You Father for all of your love. Amen

The other side of the street

This week has been a week of revelations for me. I have learned more this week than I have in a long time. It started Sunday while I was at bible study. A very wise person said to us that as Christians we need to be more compassionate to those who don't believe. Not so quick to judge. The very next day, I was getting ready to go running when I noticed my neighbor sitting on her porch. I walked across the street and began visiting with her. I am calling this the view from the other side of the street because of this visit.
During our conversation I mentioned to her that I was thinking of cutting down the old elm tree in my yard. Those of us who live in SO. East Colorado know that elm trees are a real pain. She asked me to sit on her porch swing with her. I sat down and my eyes were opened. She said to me, "look at that tree. It is the only symmetrical elm I have ever seen. Not only that but when it buds out and the leaves are green it is so beautiful." Most elm trees are just a jumble of branches but this one was different.
So as I was reading my bible and doing my study this morning, the Lord spoke to me. He revealed that I tend to look at others the way I was looking at that tree. As just a pain, something to be dealt with. I didn't see the beauty of God's creation. Beautifully and wonderfully made. I didn't look at them from the other side of the street. I now hope to be the other side of the street type of person from this point forward and I pray that others can be this way too. Be a person who can see things from the other side of the street. And thanks to God and my neighbor for opening my eyes.