1st Step: The journey begins

     It is very early in the morning. I am packed and ready to go. I didn't sleep so well last night. I had weird dreams. I guess my body was just responding to my, I don't want to say fear, but the slightly anxious feelings I am having about going into treatment.

     They say the hardest part of recovering from anything is the 1st step. That is admitting you have a problem. Telling someone else about the inner turmoil, the silent grief.  It is a very hard part. The second is making the choice to no longer live in that grief, allowing it to drag you down. Its like being in muck and mire and deciding you want to clean it off.

     The third, and what I think is hardest part for me to this point, is leaving and going into treatment. I know I said this before, but stepping out of my comfort zone and letting someone else be in control is scaring me to pieces. I know that for me, the eating disorder was a way to feel in control of my life. By doing this, I am giving up that thought process. I am going to learn to be in control of my health. I am going to no longer be out of control.

     I realize now that I was never in control of this disease. It always controlled me. What I ate, where I went, how I felt about my self as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and yes as a person. It determined what food was good and what was bad. What I could eat and keep in and what needed to be purged. It tells me that I am ugly and fat and need to always watch what I eat, how much I eat and how much exercise I needed to do.

     So I am tired of all of this. I am tired of living to eat. I am tired of food controlling me. Of society telling me that I am not good enough if I don't look a certain way. I am ready for the change. Scared yes, but oh so ready. As I read in Luke 4:18 today I am ready to be Set free from all of the oppression this disease has put in my life. I am ready to be happy again. To feel alive.

     And so it begins. I am leaving now. The 1st step is today.

     Father, You are the Author of my life. You know what it is I need. I trust in You. I lean on You. I know that You, and not I, are in control. I pray not that my will but Lord, Your will be done in my life. I know that you will guide my path, build me up, strengthen and grow me through this experience. I no longer leave with trepidation but with rejoicing in my heart that I am going to be healed. I know that You are by my side through this whole thing and that you will continue to be with me. Thank You Father for all of your love. Amen

Change

     So tomorrow I leave for treatment. I am very anxious about the whole thing. I worry, will I really be able to get better, can they help me, what will I have to eat, how can I do this without Ed. I want to scream and cry, I want to take back the fact that I even told anyone about my disorder so I can just go back to living. But that wasn't really living and I don't really want to go back.

     Its raining so beautifully outside right now. It reminds me that this treatment is like the rain. I will have to endure the storm. The wind, rain, lightening and thunder, and maybe even a little hail. I will be blown around a bit, but in the end I will be washed. Not new, because new would mean no longer me, but washed. I can except that.

     I love the rain and the way it makes everything feel clean. It smells fresh. It looks clean. It gives life giving water and helps things to grow. And so I must face my treatment with the same attitude. It will make me feel clean, fresh, and help me grow. It will take who I am and help me to see. It will show me where I need to change so I can be better.

     I am going to have to learn to stay and not to run from things. When I was little and there was a rain storm I would run and hide. So I have done with many things in my life. As I have gotten older, I have learned to stay and not run. I will do the same with this treatment. I will stay and not run. I will not give into the fear that tells me to hide or deny. I will not feel unworthy of help. I will not try to do this alone any more.

     I thought coming out and telling everyone about my eating disorder was going to be hard but I think leaving tomorrow for treatment will be harder. I think the initial week will be the hardest to adjust to. I will have to learn to rely on others to step in and be in control. To know what is best for me and I know I don't do so well with that. But I will learn.

     They say the only sure thing in this world is change. Everything changes. And so will I.

The Path I Choose

     Yesterday my husband and I decided to take a trip into the mountains. We looked up some places we thought we might like to hike to. We saw one near us that had a waterfall on the trail so we picked that one. The write up on it said that the hike was fairly easy and so why not. Well, we were in for a big surprise.

     As we started out, the trail was nice. Pretty level and not to hard. We walked through a beautiful aspen grove all the while hearing the river rushing by us. It was such a peaceful sound. We laughed and talked and we were very confident. This was going to be an easy hike and we laughed about how our son had declined to come with us because he thought it would be to rough and take to long. Well....

     Our first indicator that maybe the hike wasn't going to be so easy came when we got to a section about 20 minutes into the hike. My husband decided to go the low route and I decided to climb up and over.  Well as it turns out, he choose the easy path and mine was a struggle. I had to fight to find places to put my hands and feet so that I would not slide down the rock face and break my neck in the river. I had to use every muscle in my body just to keep myself going.

     Now don't think that my husbands choice was so easy. He to had some struggles but it was not as hard as mine. He had to make sure he placed his feet in the right spot in the river so as not to fall in and soak his self as well as the pack holding all that we needed. This happened several more times along the trail. I would think I knew which way was easier, but found out each time that it was not. My sweet husband never even told me, "I told you so," even though he had every right to.  

      After about 2 hours, we finally made it to the waterfall. We were worn out and weak but we felt like we had accomplished something. We were rewarded by the beautiful site. The waterfall was spectacular and well worth the hike. The rocks surrounding us stretched up to the sky. The cool breeze blowing through the canyon felt so wonderful. It was so relaxing. Then came the realization that we had to hike back out. We had to climb back up the mountain and follow the path back. UGH!

     As we started back up the steep climb, I felt a gentle voice say to me, "Choose Your Path."  I looked at my husband but it wasn't he who had spoken to me. I wanted to cry because I felt like I had no strength to get back up the rocks and hike all the way back to our truck let alone choose the right path. After all, getting there I seemed to make all the wrong choices. I wanted to just tell my husband to go ahead and leave me there. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to take another step.  The voice spoke again this time telling me, "You chose this path, now finish the journey."

     It was then I realized that this hike was just like the eating disorder Journey I have been on. You see, all those years ago, I made a choice.  I decided to follow the path that was so much harder. The path that led me into the darkness of the disease. The path that, although I thought it was easy, was so hard to traverse. The path with unsure footing and large boulders in the way. The one that took so much longer to reach the same destination. What a fool I was when I knew that the path I was choosing was the wrong one, kind of like our hike yesterday. And the hardest part isn't getting to where I am now. It's the path back.

     I don't want anyone to think that this is going to be easy for me. I have to be away from my family and friends, my job, my house, my dog and everything I am familiar with. Like the hike I was on yesterday, I must push outside of my comfort zone and probably outside of what I think I am capable of dealing with. I have always had my husband to turn to when I feel like I can't handle something. This time it's just me and God, oh and my treatment team.

     I made my grief what it is today and although no one who was in their right mind would choose this path, I know that good will come out of it. The journey will hopefully teach me virtue, wisdom, compassion, give me insight, patience, character and empathy. And as I learn to lean in deeper, an intimate relationship with the One who created me. There has been tears, heartache and pain but I believe that God has been with me along path I have taken.  He has just been waiting for me to realize I chose the wrong path.

     The trek back was hard but this time I listened to my husband. I followed where he led and stepped where he stepped. I allowed him to help me when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own. So even though the journey is hard, uses parts of me that I have never tapped into, takes me back to places I would never choose to go, I know that God, my husband, my family and my friends will be there to help. I just need to let them. I need to accept help so that I will learn and I will grow. And I will gain the treasures that grief offers just as I learned the treasures that the hike kept hidden. Without the journey, you never see that.

     I leave today's blog with a verse that is going to help me along this path. Romans 5: 3-5.  "And not only this, but we also exult n our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Understanding My Worth

     Good morning. It's a beautiful morning here as I sit out on my back porch and think about all that is about to unfold in my life. I will be leaving my husband, son, daughter-in-law and grand daughter as I embark on my journey to healing.  I worry about how things will be taken care of while I am gone. I worry about my husband being all alone. I know I will miss everyone. But I have a hope that at the end of this journey, I will finally like myself and see in myself what others always say they see in me.

     I would like to give a tiny bit of insight into eating disorders before I talk about my subject today. I read this in a book I check out at the library. I wanted to understand a little bit more about why a person would even get into an eating disorder. I will just post a little excerpt from the book. It is written by Jim Kirkpatrick and Paul Caldwell. The title is, "Eating Disorders, Everything you need to Know." I want people to understand that it is not a choice people want to really make but sometimes feel compelled to do.

     This is just a small box in the beginning of the book that is titled, "What do people feel their disorders are about."  "There about control, fear, problems of identity (especially issues that arise from being a woman and the demands and expectations projected at women), and our culture's obsession with image and a narrowly defined "beauty."  "They are not about honoring the self. They're about fear and isolation." "Insecurity." "An obsession to be thin."  (Kirckpatrick, Jim, Paul Caldwell. Eating disorders. Everything You Need To Know. Buffalo, N.Y.: Firefly Books, 2004

     So I see that an eating disorder can evolve from many things. But why?  Why would anyone chose this. Why would I chose this? That is the biggest question in my mind. So now I need to think about why would I do this. What made me feel so unworthy that this was the choice I made.

     I have never felt beautiful. Even as a young child, I felt awkward about myself and my body. This probably had a lot to do with the things that happened to me as a child. I will not re-address that here as I have already spoken about it in an earlier blog, but this is when I think things started for me.  The only time I felt worth something was when I would sing. But that took time to develop and even though I could sing well, I still felt very shy around others. Singing was something I could do well and even though I felt ugly on the outside, I felt beauty in my voice.

     Ugly duckling would not even begin to describe how I felt about myself when I was younger and I had no hope of eventually becoming a swan like the, "duck" does in the book. But through this journey I plan to change this.

     You see, a few years ago, we went to the Smithsonian while visiting our son in DC. We were able to see the Hope Diamond while there. At first I wasn't very impressed because I expected it to be even bigger than it was. However, I read the information plate that was near the diamond. It explained how a diamond begins as a carbon at least 93 miles below the earth.  It must then be exposed to incredible heat, around 2000 Farenheit, and the heat must be precise. After being formed it must then go through a series of volcanic eruptions over many years in order to work their way to the surface where they are found. No one would want to wear a ring of carbon but a diamond is a different story. They are beautiful.

     You may ask why am I talking about this? Well let me explain.

     You see, diamonds don't start out beautiful. They must be transformed into such beauty. This only comes about with great heat and pressure. The rock above the diamond must bear down on it in order to create it while the heat and magma push up from below it. I believe in the same way, God can transform me from the ugliness of my disease, into the beautiful person he always wanted me to be.  Of course now having said this, I realize that there will be great heat and pressure needed to take who I have been, and transform me into what He wants me to be.

     God loves me and desires that I shine for Him. This of course means that I am going to have to endure intense pressure, heat, challenges and discomfort through this journey. This is only because God wants to be the one to carry me to the surface. To be the One to bring me out of this pit of grief I have been living in for years always thinking that I was in control. He wants to transform me so that maybe, just maybe, I can offer some hope to those who are out there hurting like I am. It doesn't even have to be the same grief I'm experiencing. Any form really.  But the important thing is, He wants me to know I am not doing it by my power. It is His and only His.

     So I have been given a very important choice. A diamond can only be formed at a certain point in the earths layer. If its to low and it won't form, to high and it becomes weakened graphite. So, will I chose to allow God to bring me through the heat, turmoil, pain, and grief at just the right point and transform me into the diamond, or will I try to make it on my own and become the graphite that just falls apart?

     This grief has really knocked me for a loop. It's beaten me down in a way I never thought possible. It has taken me into the miry pit. Into depths I wish I never had to experience. And I know that this is not a simple fix. It won't happen over night. It will take time, courage, strength and dedication. My hope is that others will see my deep struggle and that God will call me into His divine purpose. One that will allow me to help others who are going through the same trials. Struggling just to find meaning. Wondering if this is all there is to life. Living the lie.

     I pray one day that I to can be a jewel in His crown. To be a Diamond of Hope to those experiencing heartache. And to finally see my Worth.

     Father, I pray that today, you would begin the necessary transformation in me. That you would make my heart and life flexible, moldable, and usable to You.  That You would show me my value and worth, not as man deems Lord, but as You deem. And that Lord, not only would you do this, but that you would allow me to help others once my journey has come to a point were I am able. Let Your light continue to Shine in and through me Lord so that others can come to know You. Give me the strength to get through this trial and to come out better. I no longer want to feel un-worthy. And Lord, I pray for all of those who might read my humble writing, so that they to Lord will know their worth. And Lord that they may come to know you.
Amen!
    

Silent Grief

    When we hear the word grief, we think that someone has died. But there are other types of grief. There are types of grief that are kept silent, hidden away from others, never to be shared for fear of judgment. People with these types of grief fear telling others because of what others may think of them.
    
This week has been an eye opener not just for me, but for many who knew Robin Williams. No one on the outside looking in would have ever guessed that he would do what he did. He was famous, he had it all. Or so we all thought. You see, hidden grief affects all kinds of people. I didn't really think about this until my incident. People who are suffering from silent grief are less likely to reach out for help in any form. And it doesn't matter what walk of life they are from.
     
But that isn't where I want this to go today. Today I want to just talk about the fact that people hide things from those around them and in turn it causes grief. People fear rejection by those around them. They don't want others to know because they may judge them. People who have committed adultery, had an abortion, miscarried a baby, thoughts of suicide, PTSD and yes, eating disorders. These things can be very difficult for people to heal from because the person feels very alone in their grief. Because of this they are less likely to reach out to those around them and ask for help.
   
 I know I am not the only one who feels alone and ashamed due to my silent grief. I am sure anyone who is going through something they are to ashamed to tell anyone about feels the same.

     So with this in mind, I want to just say that grief recovery isn't just for those who have lost a loved one. It is beneficial for anyone who has had a situation that has broken their heart. It is important to reach out, even though you may feel ashamed, or scared to tell someone about it, and ask for help. Don't just shove it down inside and try to hide it because it is never truly hidden. You see, you always know that it is there. You always suffer its effects. It may be hidden temporarily, but like a seed put in the ground, it will grow.

     It will grow and before you know it, your "secret" is eating away at you. It begins to cause problems in your life, work, family and friendships. It  wakes you up in the night or gives you awful dreams. Your health begins to falter and those around you are confused as to why. You become angry about everything, or little things set you off. You become very critical about everyone around you because you don't want to admit what is going on inside of you. Maintaining that "Secret" becomes the most important thing in your life and it is draining. You feel so alone like the only person who has every been where you are at in this moment. You aren't.

     You see, no matter what grief experience you are going through, be it the death of a loved one or a silent grief, there is one thing that remains true in every one: God is always there. He is right beside you and not there to condemn or to make you feel guilty. He isn't there as judge. He will not leave you or forsake you in your grief. He is there to reach out a helping hand, to help you through every heartbreak you will go through. He is there to place His healing touch on your life and your situations. He is ever faithful to us. A true help in our time of trouble.

     God feels such an incredible compassion for us when we are deeply hurt or when we repent from sin. There is absolutely NOTHING we could do, or nothing that has been done to us that would ever make God love us any less. He created us and He loves us. That means that He is with us for the long haul.  He won't give up on me and I know He won't give up on you. There is nothing anyone could do that will make Him love us less. God will not quit on you, He won't falter as you travel along the journey of healing.

     I am learning that God's compassion is new every single morning. That as I walk along this journey, and might I add that I am scared, He is so very faithful to walk it with me and at times, if need be, to carry me through them. He will be with me as step by step I begin this journey of healing. And I want everyone else to know, He is there for you to. This doesn't mean that you have to go public with your story like I am choosing to. Your journey, your repentance need only be between you and God. I would encourage you to talk to someone about it though. You see, the devil loves to make you feel like your secrets need to stay secret. That you must keep them hidden or others will think bad of you. That is a lie and if people do think bad of you then shame on them. It is not for them to judge you. There is healing in telling your story to someone. I just encourage you to make sure it is someone who can help you and guide you in the right direction.

    I want to be free from this burden and I want others who are feeling trapped like I do to feel freedom as well.  I am praying for peace and healing for anyone who might be suffering from a grief, be it loss or silent grief, right now. I know it isn't easy, its a burden so heavy that you feel you will die from it. I know what its like to fear rejection and judgment, but I want you to know that there are also those who will love you no matter what. And God will always love you. There is hope and healing that can be found when you reach out for it. I encourage you to find help, and find rest. Don't try to do it alone anymore. May God's peace and healing be in all our lives.

His hope!

    So as I have been struggling with my dad's death, I have often felt hopeless.  I have thought to myself, there is no hope in this situation. This has allowed the devil to step in and lie to me and tell me that the only way I can feel better is bulimia. It was a lie. An evil, deceptive lie.

      But my God is bigger than any lie. In Psalms 71:14 it says, "But as for me, I will hope continually, And I will praise You yet more and more.  This is what I am claiming over my life from this point forward. I know that the Lord is in control of my life and that He has great plans for me. Plans that are for good things. Not sickness and bad. So my life is going to be better. I will no longer believe the lie.

     So my hope is in Him as I begin my journey to healing. I will be entering an eating disorder treatment program. I have hope that He is there with me through it all. That He will be guiding the people who will be treating me. I was scared but I know that this is what God has lead me to. And if He can lead me to it, He can lead me through it.

     Short blog today because I have cried a lot today and I am tired. Going to spend as much time as I can with my family before I leave. I just want to love them up. It may be a while before I get to see everyone again.

Learning to just breathe

     I was up extremely early today. Lately I have been sleeping until 7 and waking up feeling rushed. I would rush to get up, get coffee made, watch the news, get showered, get dressed and rush off to work. I have been pushing myself so hard thinking that if I just keep busy enough, I won't hurt as much. If I focus on everyone else and their needs, I won't have to focus on my loss. I can just breeze through my day with a smile on my face and no one will see the hurt underneath. Well it all came to a screeching halt yesterday.
     I got up and did my normal rush. Got to work, did what needed to be done. I was trying so hard to get everything just the way everyone wanted it. I felt the pressure building like it does everyday, but I promptly pushed it back down where I have been keeping it. If I ignore it, it can't bother me. Right before we went over for lunch, I felt a little dizziness, but like with all things lately, I pushed it to the side as well.
     We went over to the hospital to get our lunch like every other day. As I walked around I felt the room tilt a little bit. Not bad, but enough it made me dizzy. As I waited in line to get my soup it hit, I was going to pass out. I got like this weird sinking feeling with the dizziness. It was awful. I looked at my co-worker and told her, I think I am going to pass out. That's all I remember until I was looking up at a nurse in the emergency room.
     I was so scared, I was crying and I didn't really know what had happened. My co-worker took my phone and called my husband. I laid there feeling helpless as the dizziness kept coming in waves. They checked my blood sugar and asked if I had any health issues? I told them no. They then took me to a room. I laid there wondering what in the world was happening. I didn't understand. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the bulimia. It's been way out of control since dad died and that might be what caused this.
     I began to cry even harder and tried to tell the nurses. I looked around the room at each of their faces and I felt so ashamed. How was I going to tell these people what I have been doing? I'm a nurse, shouldn't I know better? Are they going to look at me with disgust and judgment? This is what has kept it my secret for all these years. I don't want others to know what I do. It's shameful How can I say I am a Christian and have this problem, or a nurse and have this problem. But I must, I have to get it out. Its been eating at me for years. I need to share.
     So I tell them. I wait for their faces to change to disgust, for them to look at me like I am diseased. Like I have just grown two heads. To see judgment in their eyes. But it doesn't come. No looks of disgust, or revulsion. No one looks at me like I have two heads. No judgment in their eyes. I just see concern and compassion. This can't be right. They are supposed to be disappointed in me. They are supposed to tell me how stupid I am, that I should know better being a nurse and all, but they don't.
     I feel a little relief but I am also scared. Someone knows now. I have to tell my husband how bad it has gotten. I can't hide from it any more. I have to face the truth. I am a bulimic and I need help. I need to seek treatment so that I can get healthy again. I want to be around and see my kids and my grand kids. I want to grow old with my husband. 26 years isn't enough time. I need more and the only way I can get it is to face facts, face the truth, be honest and get help. No more hiding. No more shame. NO more feeling like I am not worth anything. Its time to take care of me. I have to or I won't be here for very long.
     So knowing all this, I begin my journey to recovery. I have researched several things on my bulimia and what health risks it poses. Its not good. Most people with untreated eating disorders die young. It causes all kinds of health issues and even death. It's very dangerous. And what makes it even more so is that it is often missed by family, friends and even health care professionals. Unless someone is anorexic which has a physical manifestation, bulimics just continue to go on living their lie. Most bulimics are of normal size or a little over weight. You can't look at them and see a physical change that would indicate something is going on. Most are over achievers. They excel academically and at work. They don't look like someone who has a problem. They look like me.
     Well after reading this information, I realize it describes me to a tee. I realize that I am tired of living like this. I have ruined the voice God blessed me with. My teeth are damaged from years of doing this. My metabolism stinks now. I have really done a number on myself. I thought I was doing it so I could feel in control of my life, but I realize now, it was controlling me. Not good. I need help and I am at a point now where I have to stop worrying about everyone else and start worrying about me. I can't live this way anymore. It is killing me slowly but surely and unless I want my family planning a funeral, I know I have to stop it now.
     I can't worry about everything else right now. I can't think about my bills, my work, my co-workers, what others might think of me. I have to think of me and my family. They need me and in order for me to be around for them, I have to reach out and ask for help. I need to be brave and admit I have a problem. I need to be honest and tell them the truth about my eating disorder and how out of control it is. I need to take back MY  LIFE!!!!  I need to just Breathe.