We have all faced challenges in our lives. They come in many different forms. I was going to say tonight, but its actually 3 am so this morning, my challenge is sleep. I have a heavy burden on my heart. A need to say what I think the Lord is speaking to me.
I myself have faced many challenges. As I reflect back over my life, there seems to be a theme. The biggest challenge I have is ME. I am my own biggest challenge. I get in my own way all the time. This comes in many different ways. My biggest though, is procrastination. I put things off until the last possible moment, and than I make everyone around me miserable because I go into panic mode.
This is not a good thing. I make my panic everyone else's problem. I wait to do what I know needs to be done instead of just doing it. This last year has been a lot of procrastination. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who helps keep me on target when he isn't so busy trying to do five hundred other things. He has pushed me to do things he knows I truly have wanted, and yet have put off for one reason or another. This year it was to go back and get my RN. Its something I have wanted and tried to do may times, but with life, it has always been pushed to the back burner.
So, back to challenges. Over my life time, I have glimpsed the challenges faced by others. I have seen victory, and I have seen defeat. It's easy to rejoice in the victories, but what do we do with defeat? How do we support a person in their time of defeat? How do we react, rather a friend or a stranger, is in a time of defeat? Do we run to or away from them? Or do we stand and help them fight? Are we fair weather friends, or are we there in all types of weather friend? Its a question that deserves an answer, but not one that always makes me look so nice.
As a nurse, I have seen some things that I know would defeat me entirely, and yet, my patients don't give up. They might get down at times, but they say to me, and others around them, this is only temporary. It will get better. For some, it means a full recovery, while others, sadly, lose their battle. But does this mean defeat, or victory? I think that all depends on your faith.
I learned, from the time I was born, that there is a Power greater than any man. A Person in whom I can put all my trust. One Who will never let me down. That even in death, there is victory. I have also learned that I am never alone in my struggles. This does not mean that I won't have hard times. Times of doubt or fear. It only means that when I do, I have The One I can lean on with me at all times and through all things.
This world has become a very difficult place for people to find belonging. I see so many people walking around with such emptiness. Oh sure they try to look happy. They keep themselves so busy that they never have time to stop and look around. They run around filling their lives with what they think will make them happy. Filling their lives with stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.
This season is an example of that. A season when the shopping centers are full of people trying to buy what they think someone will love. I see shopping carts filled to the top, people carrying so many shopping bags that they can't hardly walk. The hustle and bustle of buy, buy, buy, but very little joy on their faces. They seem consumed with the challenge of getting just the right gift for the people they love, but I can't help but think that they are missing the point.
When I was little, and that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, oh wait, that was right here in this galaxy. But all kidding aside, when I was little, life was so different. So much simpler. People spent time together with their families at Christmas. The excitement of the season was knowing I was going to get to hang out with my favorite people. My Aunts, Uncles, grandparents, and the all important cousins. It wasn't about stuff, but about being with those I loved and who meant so much to me.
It was a time of laughter, joy, catching up on what was going on in everyone's lives. The kids, my cousins and I, had so much fun seeing who could sneak the most fudge without getting caught. It meant good food, good company, and much love. It wasn't all about the presents, but more about the presence. The presence of the people around us. Family and friends who gathered together not for gifts, but just because they loved one another. And not one of us ever forgot what the season was truly about.
All of my cousins and I were raised knowing that this season was a celebration of the birth of Jesus. We knew that to our very core. Our grandparents parents, aunts, and uncles made sure of that. All the family made sure of that. We knew it meant Christmas mass. Time praying and thanking God for the ultimate gift. It meant the story of Mary and Joseph and their challenges. The challenge of travel, seeking shelter, and than the birth of their Son Jesus.
It is in that story that I draw my strength. You see, Mary faced a challenge that none of us have ever experienced. She was faced with a challenge that could ultimately lead to her death. She was challenged with a pregnancy out of wedlock, which in those days meant stoning to death. She was challenged with going to her betrothed, a man that she would marry, love, and bare children for, and telling him that she was with child. A challenge of knowing she was to carry the Son of God Himself.
I know that times are hard for people. I know there are those who suffer in silence, alone and afraid. Those who walk in addiction, pain, depression, anxiety, anger, hate and grief. I also know that there is One who can take all the challenges we face, walk with us, and refine us during the fire. He is the One Who can help us conquer all challenges we face in life.
I have watched those who were given a challenge that would only end in death. Those who knew where they would go, accepted that challenge and faced it with strength. Like Christ, they knew how their story would end, but the stood upright, and kept going. That is who I want to be. I want to be a person who, when faced with a challenge, stands upright, without fear, and marches on. I hope that for all of my family.
So as I draw this blog to an end, I leave you with a challenge. My challenge is to really look at your life. Are you happy? Do you know where you are going? Do you know Jesus as your Lord and savior? If not, challenge yourself to ask. Ask someone who knows Jesus. Ask them to teach you, to show you the Way. My challenge is for you to find peace and rest from all that has been wearing you down. Don't procrastinate, for the time is short.
Do you hear the knocking at the door of your heart? Open the door and let Him in. It will be the best choice you have ever made. You can finally stop running and rest in Him. God Bless you all. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
In Christ
Carrie
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
The Storm in me
Have you ever watched a movie in which the people were in a boat on a stormed tossed sea? You know, the boat is rolling back and forth, the people are panicked and crying, they fear that they may not survive. Sometime the boat sinks and there are only a few survivors.
Well lately, that's how my life has felt. Well to be honest, that's how my life has felt for the last 2 years. The storms just keep raging, the boat is being rocked and tossed about, and its falling apart, very slowly its sinking. That's how I have felt, and let me tell you, its not fun.
I sometimes wonder where is my faith, where is the optimist I have always been, where is my joy? I feel like it gets harder and harder to keep my head above water. Battered on all sides by life. It would be really easy to slip into old habits, to things that are comfortable or my old coping mechanisms, but I know that is not the answer. I know that by doing so, I will only find misery.
I want to feel that joy, that deep abiding love, that faith that could move mountains, but where? Where do you find light in the deepest darkest night? Where do you find hope when all seems hopeless? When you feel like you don't have a single friend in the world and no matter where you turn, your trapped?
Just like on a ship, you must turn to the Captain. The person who knows the ship better than anyone else. Not only does He know the ship, He loves the ship and would give up His life to save it. That's who my Jesus is. He is the Captain of my life. I sometimes get so caught up in the storm, I forget that He, not I, am in control. He has maneuvered through all kinds of stormy seas. He has guided it through the rocks and many other obstacles. He has never abandoned His ship, no matter how bad the storm might have gotten.
When I remind myself of this, that he is the most important person on the ship, than I can know peace. I can know a peace that surpasses anything I might think I know or understand. He can say to the stormy waters, "Be still," and the waters will calm instantly. Its so amazing when I just put all my faith in Him, not in man, or anything in the world. There is nothing in this world that could give me the comfort I have in Him.
My disappointments only prove that I can't put my faith in any man. Man is flawed and will always fail you. It may not even be something they mean to do, but never-the-less, it will happen. When I try to put my faith in any person, I set that person up to fail me. They don't mean to hurt or disappoint me, but they are not prefect and so I should never expect them to be.
So it is now that I turn to Him. This storm that has been raging in me has become to big. I have so focused on the storm, that I have forgotten the promise He gave me. A promise for my life to have a peace and to prosper. That doesn't mean that there won't be storms. Storms are just a natural part of life. But it does mean that in every storm, I have a Captain who knows His ship. Knows how to control the ship and keep it safe. I know that even if the ship sinks, He is right there with it. Right there with me.
No matter how bad the storm in your life may be, don't lose hope, or despair. The Captain is in control. He will always guide you safely home. He will always calm the storm in me.
Well lately, that's how my life has felt. Well to be honest, that's how my life has felt for the last 2 years. The storms just keep raging, the boat is being rocked and tossed about, and its falling apart, very slowly its sinking. That's how I have felt, and let me tell you, its not fun.
I sometimes wonder where is my faith, where is the optimist I have always been, where is my joy? I feel like it gets harder and harder to keep my head above water. Battered on all sides by life. It would be really easy to slip into old habits, to things that are comfortable or my old coping mechanisms, but I know that is not the answer. I know that by doing so, I will only find misery.
I want to feel that joy, that deep abiding love, that faith that could move mountains, but where? Where do you find light in the deepest darkest night? Where do you find hope when all seems hopeless? When you feel like you don't have a single friend in the world and no matter where you turn, your trapped?
Just like on a ship, you must turn to the Captain. The person who knows the ship better than anyone else. Not only does He know the ship, He loves the ship and would give up His life to save it. That's who my Jesus is. He is the Captain of my life. I sometimes get so caught up in the storm, I forget that He, not I, am in control. He has maneuvered through all kinds of stormy seas. He has guided it through the rocks and many other obstacles. He has never abandoned His ship, no matter how bad the storm might have gotten.
When I remind myself of this, that he is the most important person on the ship, than I can know peace. I can know a peace that surpasses anything I might think I know or understand. He can say to the stormy waters, "Be still," and the waters will calm instantly. Its so amazing when I just put all my faith in Him, not in man, or anything in the world. There is nothing in this world that could give me the comfort I have in Him.
My disappointments only prove that I can't put my faith in any man. Man is flawed and will always fail you. It may not even be something they mean to do, but never-the-less, it will happen. When I try to put my faith in any person, I set that person up to fail me. They don't mean to hurt or disappoint me, but they are not prefect and so I should never expect them to be.
So it is now that I turn to Him. This storm that has been raging in me has become to big. I have so focused on the storm, that I have forgotten the promise He gave me. A promise for my life to have a peace and to prosper. That doesn't mean that there won't be storms. Storms are just a natural part of life. But it does mean that in every storm, I have a Captain who knows His ship. Knows how to control the ship and keep it safe. I know that even if the ship sinks, He is right there with it. Right there with me.
No matter how bad the storm in your life may be, don't lose hope, or despair. The Captain is in control. He will always guide you safely home. He will always calm the storm in me.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Journey to health
So I am going to be starting a new journey. One that will hopefully end with me being so much healthier. I am going to be eating right, exercising, and just being overall more active. I will be keeping a photo journal. I will take pictures and be weighing and measuring myself. Its going to be hard to let you know what I weigh and my measurements but, it will help me work a little harder at staying the course. I will be using my fitness pal in this journey to monitor my intake as well as my calories burnt.
Here goes..
Not the most flattering photo's but it is where I am starting at right now. I am hoping that within a few months, the pictures will begin to show the difference. I am choosing to do this the right way so that I don't get caught in the trap that lots of women do. I know I will never be stick thin, and I don't want to be. I just want to be healthy.
God bless and have a happy and healthy day.
Here goes..
God bless and have a happy and healthy day.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Grudge Match
" You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; An eye for an Eye, and a Tooth for a tooth." Matthew 5:38
I have always believed myself to be the most forgiving, loving and kind person I know. If you asked me what I thought of this verse, I would say that no, I don't believe that is true. I believe that we are to be more like Christ and forgive others as well as turn the other cheek. I was not one to hold a grudge, not forgive, believe that someone deserved something awful to happen to them because they had wronged me.
Then God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are holding on to grudges." This is very hard to write because of the tears flowing down my face right now. I did hold grudges, I didn't let go of wrong doings. Oh sure I would say that I had forgiven someone, but deep down inside I was waiting.
Waiting for them to come to me or to call me and say they were sorry.
I was waiting for them to change and become what I thought they should be, do what I thought they should do or even to say what I thought they should say.
I wanted them to admit to me that what they did to me was wrong and that they shouldn't have said or done what they did.
All my life I have been a very sensitive person. Very shy as a child and than as I got older, very easily sent into tears. Some one wouldn't want to play with me and I would cry. Someone would tease me and I would cry. I wouldn't be included in things and again, I would cry. When I look back at it, it all seems so exhausting. I was always trying so hard to be liked, accepted, that I missed out on so much.
I would try so hard to please everyone. This would sometimes mean saying one thing to one person and than going and contradicting myself by saying something else to the other person. I wanted so desperately to be liked by everyone, that I didn't realize I was hurting those I wanted to have like me and pushing them away. This wasn't who I wanted to be but I couldn't see what I was doing.
Later I became a Christian. I accepted Christ. For the first time in my life, I was told that there was absolutely nothing I could do to earn someone's love. That God loved me so much, that He sent his son to die for me. It was hard to wrap my brain around.
For a while, I didn't think about what others thought of me because I knew that God loved me, but than I fell back into the old pattern. Holding on to my resentments, letting them build up inside until there was little room left for Jesus.
Don't get me wrong, I still prayed, read my bible, went to church, all the things that kept me in relationship with God, He just didn't have all of me. I even went into my marriage still feeling inadequate. I loved my husband deeply, but couldn't figure out why he would love me. I was still holding on to the feeling that I was just not good enough because there were still people who didn't like me.
I decided that with my kids, I would try to do everything I could to make them strong, confident and unafraid. I wanted them not to worry about what others thought of them because they were very loved by their father and I and most importantly, by God. I prayed daily that God would help me be the parent I didn't feel I ever had. Again, holding onto a grudge.
Things would seem to be going great and than something would pop up, my old resentments would resurface and boom, there would go all the hard work I'd done. This happened over and over again, a viscous cycle. One that would leave me feeling like the worst______, fill in the blank, because believe me, I did. I always felt like I just wasn't good enough and if so and so would just like me, than maybe, just maybe, I would be.
Well that never happened. Even if the person would like me, something would come along and ruin it and 9 times out of 10, that something was my stinking thinking. I would read about letting go of past hurts, about letting go of what I thought I needed to be, to let God lead me and give me rest, but there were a lot of past hurts that I needed to have rectified before I could let go and move on.
I wanted the people who hurt me to apologize, admit they were wrong and than to like me. Once they did this, I just knew I could heal, move on with life, be a better me. By doing this, I held even tighter to the anger, pain, insecurity, self doubt, inability to let go and love. I couldn't heal because I, not they, would keep picking at the wounds and never let them heal.
In the verse above it says, an eye for an eye, payback, restitution. I had heard it or read it along the way several times. That to forgive them they needed to admit their wrong doing, repent and ask for forgiveness. But God told me, healing begins when I take it to Him. When I actually let go, and let Him do the work in the other person. That He, not I, is the only one that can change them..
God wanted me to see beyond that hurt, to stop looking to others for acceptance and to see what He sees in me. That I am loved, that I am His and that I don't need others to come to me and beg forgiveness. If I kept thinking an eye for an eye, I was going to end up losing an eye because of my own sins and hurt that I caused.
I learned that I am to not try to take revenge, or demand an apology from others. That I am to, "never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God..." Romans 12:19 a (NLT)
All this time that I was holding a grudge, it was not righteous. It was so pressed down inside of me, hidden far from my conscious thought, but it would pop up in my thoughts and in my actions all the time. It began to eat away at the compassionate person I have always been and I was becoming angry and bitter.
It even began to affect innocent people that I really love. I became so cautious about being hurt that I would wouldn't leave any room to trust. I would accidently hurt those I loved because I was so angry with someone else, and that would leave me feeling even worse about me.
So what did I need to do? What could I do in order to heal my broken heart and get rid of my stinking thinking?
I needed to stop waiting for payback, for apologies, for those who had hurt me to change. I needed to change me, to walk in a, PAID IN FULL, attitude. Stop thinking about all the wrongs that had happened in the past, and start thinking of all the rights. By doing this, I can finally be released from all that hurt and pain, and start living and loving those who love me.
I have to make a conscious effort to let go everyday. And it gets easier the more I do it. Stop using up all of my thoughts on those who don't know and don't care, and start living and loving those who do.
Here is my prayer; Lord, Father God, I will chose to walk away from all the hurts, all of the past wrongdoings, grudges and debts I have been holding on to. Lord, your Son paid in full any debts that I owed as well as those of others I was trying to collect from. Please help me daily to let go, to love, to walk in Grace and Forgiveness towards those who have hurt me. I receive your mercy and grace and the healing you extend to my heart this very day and everyday. In Jesus' loving name, Amen.
Verse of the Day
Romans 12:21 "Do not let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." (NLT)
Things to Think About
How much energy do you use on a daily basis worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you? How much on past hurts and those who caused them?
So what might happen if all that time and energy was available for you to accept and receive what God has for you today?
Just a few things to think and pray about. I hope your day is truly blessed, I pray that if you are like me and holding on to grudges, that God would do a good work in you today and help you to let go of them and focus all that energy on more important things.
I have always believed myself to be the most forgiving, loving and kind person I know. If you asked me what I thought of this verse, I would say that no, I don't believe that is true. I believe that we are to be more like Christ and forgive others as well as turn the other cheek. I was not one to hold a grudge, not forgive, believe that someone deserved something awful to happen to them because they had wronged me.
Then God tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are holding on to grudges." This is very hard to write because of the tears flowing down my face right now. I did hold grudges, I didn't let go of wrong doings. Oh sure I would say that I had forgiven someone, but deep down inside I was waiting.
Waiting for them to come to me or to call me and say they were sorry.
I was waiting for them to change and become what I thought they should be, do what I thought they should do or even to say what I thought they should say.
I wanted them to admit to me that what they did to me was wrong and that they shouldn't have said or done what they did.
All my life I have been a very sensitive person. Very shy as a child and than as I got older, very easily sent into tears. Some one wouldn't want to play with me and I would cry. Someone would tease me and I would cry. I wouldn't be included in things and again, I would cry. When I look back at it, it all seems so exhausting. I was always trying so hard to be liked, accepted, that I missed out on so much.
I would try so hard to please everyone. This would sometimes mean saying one thing to one person and than going and contradicting myself by saying something else to the other person. I wanted so desperately to be liked by everyone, that I didn't realize I was hurting those I wanted to have like me and pushing them away. This wasn't who I wanted to be but I couldn't see what I was doing.
Later I became a Christian. I accepted Christ. For the first time in my life, I was told that there was absolutely nothing I could do to earn someone's love. That God loved me so much, that He sent his son to die for me. It was hard to wrap my brain around.
For a while, I didn't think about what others thought of me because I knew that God loved me, but than I fell back into the old pattern. Holding on to my resentments, letting them build up inside until there was little room left for Jesus.
Don't get me wrong, I still prayed, read my bible, went to church, all the things that kept me in relationship with God, He just didn't have all of me. I even went into my marriage still feeling inadequate. I loved my husband deeply, but couldn't figure out why he would love me. I was still holding on to the feeling that I was just not good enough because there were still people who didn't like me.
I decided that with my kids, I would try to do everything I could to make them strong, confident and unafraid. I wanted them not to worry about what others thought of them because they were very loved by their father and I and most importantly, by God. I prayed daily that God would help me be the parent I didn't feel I ever had. Again, holding onto a grudge.
Things would seem to be going great and than something would pop up, my old resentments would resurface and boom, there would go all the hard work I'd done. This happened over and over again, a viscous cycle. One that would leave me feeling like the worst______, fill in the blank, because believe me, I did. I always felt like I just wasn't good enough and if so and so would just like me, than maybe, just maybe, I would be.
Well that never happened. Even if the person would like me, something would come along and ruin it and 9 times out of 10, that something was my stinking thinking. I would read about letting go of past hurts, about letting go of what I thought I needed to be, to let God lead me and give me rest, but there were a lot of past hurts that I needed to have rectified before I could let go and move on.
I wanted the people who hurt me to apologize, admit they were wrong and than to like me. Once they did this, I just knew I could heal, move on with life, be a better me. By doing this, I held even tighter to the anger, pain, insecurity, self doubt, inability to let go and love. I couldn't heal because I, not they, would keep picking at the wounds and never let them heal.
In the verse above it says, an eye for an eye, payback, restitution. I had heard it or read it along the way several times. That to forgive them they needed to admit their wrong doing, repent and ask for forgiveness. But God told me, healing begins when I take it to Him. When I actually let go, and let Him do the work in the other person. That He, not I, is the only one that can change them..
God wanted me to see beyond that hurt, to stop looking to others for acceptance and to see what He sees in me. That I am loved, that I am His and that I don't need others to come to me and beg forgiveness. If I kept thinking an eye for an eye, I was going to end up losing an eye because of my own sins and hurt that I caused.
I learned that I am to not try to take revenge, or demand an apology from others. That I am to, "never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God..." Romans 12:19 a (NLT)
All this time that I was holding a grudge, it was not righteous. It was so pressed down inside of me, hidden far from my conscious thought, but it would pop up in my thoughts and in my actions all the time. It began to eat away at the compassionate person I have always been and I was becoming angry and bitter.
It even began to affect innocent people that I really love. I became so cautious about being hurt that I would wouldn't leave any room to trust. I would accidently hurt those I loved because I was so angry with someone else, and that would leave me feeling even worse about me.
So what did I need to do? What could I do in order to heal my broken heart and get rid of my stinking thinking?
I needed to stop waiting for payback, for apologies, for those who had hurt me to change. I needed to change me, to walk in a, PAID IN FULL, attitude. Stop thinking about all the wrongs that had happened in the past, and start thinking of all the rights. By doing this, I can finally be released from all that hurt and pain, and start living and loving those who love me.
I have to make a conscious effort to let go everyday. And it gets easier the more I do it. Stop using up all of my thoughts on those who don't know and don't care, and start living and loving those who do.
Here is my prayer; Lord, Father God, I will chose to walk away from all the hurts, all of the past wrongdoings, grudges and debts I have been holding on to. Lord, your Son paid in full any debts that I owed as well as those of others I was trying to collect from. Please help me daily to let go, to love, to walk in Grace and Forgiveness towards those who have hurt me. I receive your mercy and grace and the healing you extend to my heart this very day and everyday. In Jesus' loving name, Amen.
Verse of the Day
Romans 12:21 "Do not let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good." (NLT)
Things to Think About
How much energy do you use on a daily basis worrying about what others are thinking or saying about you? How much on past hurts and those who caused them?
So what might happen if all that time and energy was available for you to accept and receive what God has for you today?
Just a few things to think and pray about. I hope your day is truly blessed, I pray that if you are like me and holding on to grudges, that God would do a good work in you today and help you to let go of them and focus all that energy on more important things.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Change
1 Corinthians 15:51-"Behold I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed."
What a powerful message we hear in this tiny verse. It isn't the biggest or smallest verse, but to me it is very powerful. We have all heard that there is one thing you can count on in this life, and that is change. Boy isn't that the truth.
In this context, the author, Paul, I believe is stating a promise. One that came from God himself The promise that when the end comes, when the final trumpet blows, we will be changed. No longer asleep, brought forth from the grave if we have passed on, and brought into eternity. What a beautiful thought.
We know that we, "Do not lay up for ourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19 and I also add where someone can also steal your life. This is not my home. I am not a forever earth dweller. I am promised eternity through my belief in Christ.
So I know that change is inevitable. It is the one thing I can always count on. Changes in life such as where you live, where you work, friends, even changes to families as we add family members, and as some move on from this life to the next. There are changes in so many things on a daily basis. Being flexible is a must.
SO, this brings me to my subject and why I am writing about change. This last year for me has been constant change. It has meant moving from one home to another, all while trying to deal with my dad's health decline and eventual death. Job change, going from one clinic to another and than getting out of clinical work all together. New life, adding new family members to our family. Our oldest son expecting his first child, our middle son getting out of the Marine Corp and moving home, and our youngest son getting his first real job and the change we have seen in him since doing so.
There have been several other changes for me as well. I have been healed from my eating disorder. I have not acted out in it for 10 months. They say that if you can make it for a year, you are more likely to never do it again, "changed." I have learned that I must be very careful who I trust. I have been hurt by people I thought were my friends, only to turn around and find out they weren't. So change in relationships happens as well, and I have changed my relationship with God. It has become deeper, more intimate than before.
I have grown a relationship with my mother as well. To be honest, this is one thing I really never thought possible. My dad made me promise that once he was gone, I would take care of her and try to mend that relationship. Well, that is one positive that came from my dad's passing. I believe we are closer now. I try to call her every day. We no longer have to fight or argue about everything or anything. I have come to realize that she made the best choices she knew how and that she has always loved me no matter what. So I have learned to forgive and let go of the past. It was really only hurting me anyway.
The last change, and probably the hardest, has been realizing that my children are all grown up. I look at them and I see these young adults making choices, learning, loving and living and all without my input. They have gone out into the big bad world, and they are making it just fine. Yes they stumble and have hard times, but they also make decisions, do what needs to be done, and go on with their lives. I am so proud of them all. They have changed, from the small child who needed help with everything into the grown woman and grown men that they are today.
They are strong, loving, kind people. They have made their father and I very proud and we both look forward to seeing them continue to grow and change, yes there's that word again. So I am learning that change is good, even if it comes out of something that was not so good, when you look back you can see the struggle and growth that has come from it.
In closing I would like to encourage you to embrace change, no matter how hard it might be at the time, and see where it might take you. You never know, you might just wake up one day somewhere you never dreamed and find your right where you always wanted to be. I did!
What a powerful message we hear in this tiny verse. It isn't the biggest or smallest verse, but to me it is very powerful. We have all heard that there is one thing you can count on in this life, and that is change. Boy isn't that the truth.
In this context, the author, Paul, I believe is stating a promise. One that came from God himself The promise that when the end comes, when the final trumpet blows, we will be changed. No longer asleep, brought forth from the grave if we have passed on, and brought into eternity. What a beautiful thought.
We know that we, "Do not lay up for ourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19 and I also add where someone can also steal your life. This is not my home. I am not a forever earth dweller. I am promised eternity through my belief in Christ.
So I know that change is inevitable. It is the one thing I can always count on. Changes in life such as where you live, where you work, friends, even changes to families as we add family members, and as some move on from this life to the next. There are changes in so many things on a daily basis. Being flexible is a must.
SO, this brings me to my subject and why I am writing about change. This last year for me has been constant change. It has meant moving from one home to another, all while trying to deal with my dad's health decline and eventual death. Job change, going from one clinic to another and than getting out of clinical work all together. New life, adding new family members to our family. Our oldest son expecting his first child, our middle son getting out of the Marine Corp and moving home, and our youngest son getting his first real job and the change we have seen in him since doing so.
There have been several other changes for me as well. I have been healed from my eating disorder. I have not acted out in it for 10 months. They say that if you can make it for a year, you are more likely to never do it again, "changed." I have learned that I must be very careful who I trust. I have been hurt by people I thought were my friends, only to turn around and find out they weren't. So change in relationships happens as well, and I have changed my relationship with God. It has become deeper, more intimate than before.
I have grown a relationship with my mother as well. To be honest, this is one thing I really never thought possible. My dad made me promise that once he was gone, I would take care of her and try to mend that relationship. Well, that is one positive that came from my dad's passing. I believe we are closer now. I try to call her every day. We no longer have to fight or argue about everything or anything. I have come to realize that she made the best choices she knew how and that she has always loved me no matter what. So I have learned to forgive and let go of the past. It was really only hurting me anyway.
The last change, and probably the hardest, has been realizing that my children are all grown up. I look at them and I see these young adults making choices, learning, loving and living and all without my input. They have gone out into the big bad world, and they are making it just fine. Yes they stumble and have hard times, but they also make decisions, do what needs to be done, and go on with their lives. I am so proud of them all. They have changed, from the small child who needed help with everything into the grown woman and grown men that they are today.
They are strong, loving, kind people. They have made their father and I very proud and we both look forward to seeing them continue to grow and change, yes there's that word again. So I am learning that change is good, even if it comes out of something that was not so good, when you look back you can see the struggle and growth that has come from it.
In closing I would like to encourage you to embrace change, no matter how hard it might be at the time, and see where it might take you. You never know, you might just wake up one day somewhere you never dreamed and find your right where you always wanted to be. I did!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
White as snow
Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, and let us reason together," Says the Lord, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are like crimson, They should be white as Snow."
I am reminded of this verse as I watch the huge flakes of snow falling this morning. It Is so funny to think about what your world around you looks like, than on a snowy day, it all changes. It all looks beautiful. Everything is clean and new.
Well, when we except Jesus as our Savior, we to are washed white as snow. Its not just a one time thing, its daily. He cleanses us from all the sins that make us dark and ugly inside. We learn what real forgiveness means, and we can feel free from the burdens and chains that have kept us prisoner all out lives.
I know what its like to think that I could rid myself of that pain on my own. I tried unsuccessfuly to fill my life with other things. With business, people, and my ED. All these things would make me feel good for a moment, but than it was back again. That empty, lonely feeling that made me feel devastated each time.
I heard people say that I could control my own happiness just with my thinking. That I could change my destiny by thinking it better. Positive power, that's all I needed. Well I will tell you, I tried that to. Not that its bad to be positive, but it was just me than. Nothing else. You would need to only be concerned with you. That didn't work for me. I knew there was more, I could feel it in my heart, and I had been taught that there was. So I began to look. I began to earnestly seek.
Thats when I found my way back to God. I thought because of all that had happened, that He had left me somehow. That I had done something so awful, that He didn't want me as HIs child anymore. But I knew that not to be true. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. If I was feeling all this loneliness and emptiness, its because I chose to walk away from God, not the other way around. That is why I felt so alone.
I knew that I needed relationship with Him again. I began to read His word, go to church, not because church is the only place to find God, but because fellowship with other Christian's is important. I started talking to God again. Praying to Him throughout the day. Letting Him know what I was feeling and going through. Yes He already knows, but I believe that He wants us to come to Him, like a parent, and talk to Him about our life and what is happening.
I belive that God wants us to acknowledge the fact that without Him, we are alone even in a world full of others. He wants us to come to Him with our hurt, sorrow, anger, pain and joy. Everything we go through or feel, we can go to Him and He will listen and comfort us. He wants us to be happy, to live a good life and to let others know that they to can have what we have.
I'm afraid that I have not always been the best example of this. There have been times when I wasn't acting or living the way that God calls us to. Its not that I didn't want to live that way, its that , and this is in no way an excuse, I was so deep into my ED, that I couldn't see how it was affecting my ability to love others, to walk the way God had called me, and to use the gifts and talents He had given me to share with others.
This was so hard for me to realize. To know that I had chosen to put ED before God. That I was willing to walk away from that free gift that He offers to all, so I could be chained to my misery. To know that my choice was slowly killing me, my relationships with others and with God. I was dying, killing my internal organs and destroying the temple of God. Not what He has called me to do, but what I was chosing of my own free will.
Well, once I realized all of this, I cried out, first to God, than to my husband, and than to outside help, I was able to start down the path of healing. It wasn't easy and I could only see myself as this ugly thing. This thing or person that wasn't worthy of love, compassion or caring. I was dark inside, a blackness had settled on my, I was stained and I would never be clean. Thats when I saw it, the verse above. And I looked for others. Verses that spoke about the unclean becoming white as snow, the stains, crimson stains, being washed away and all that was left was clean once more.
There was my hope. My light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I had been traveling in. I didn't even realize how dark it was, until I let the light back it. The feeling of being clean was beyound description. To no longer have to bear the load on my own. To carry a burden that for one was to heavy and two, never mine to bear alone. All along God was waiting for me to see this. To turn to Him, cry out to Him, and to ask. That was all, just to ask. That tiny little action of no longer thinking I was in control, but turning it over completely to Him.
Now if you have ever carried soemthing really heavy, you know that if someone comes along and helps, the load is lighter. Its easier to carry. Your not all alone. Thats what God did for me, and He also cleansed me from that which I thought I could never be clean from. He washed me in the blood of the Lamb, and I was white as snow. I was free from my sin and shame. My past was no longer in control of my present. God was! And it was easy once I just let go.
So now I can see myself as I see the outside. Washed white as snow. Clean, loved, cherished, forgiven. You can know this feeling to. You only need to accept Jesus into your heart. Let Him drive out the darkness and fill you with light. Let Him carry the burdens you have held onto for so long. Let Him wash you white as snow!
I am reminded of this verse as I watch the huge flakes of snow falling this morning. It Is so funny to think about what your world around you looks like, than on a snowy day, it all changes. It all looks beautiful. Everything is clean and new.
Well, when we except Jesus as our Savior, we to are washed white as snow. Its not just a one time thing, its daily. He cleanses us from all the sins that make us dark and ugly inside. We learn what real forgiveness means, and we can feel free from the burdens and chains that have kept us prisoner all out lives.
I know what its like to think that I could rid myself of that pain on my own. I tried unsuccessfuly to fill my life with other things. With business, people, and my ED. All these things would make me feel good for a moment, but than it was back again. That empty, lonely feeling that made me feel devastated each time.
I heard people say that I could control my own happiness just with my thinking. That I could change my destiny by thinking it better. Positive power, that's all I needed. Well I will tell you, I tried that to. Not that its bad to be positive, but it was just me than. Nothing else. You would need to only be concerned with you. That didn't work for me. I knew there was more, I could feel it in my heart, and I had been taught that there was. So I began to look. I began to earnestly seek.
Thats when I found my way back to God. I thought because of all that had happened, that He had left me somehow. That I had done something so awful, that He didn't want me as HIs child anymore. But I knew that not to be true. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. If I was feeling all this loneliness and emptiness, its because I chose to walk away from God, not the other way around. That is why I felt so alone.
I knew that I needed relationship with Him again. I began to read His word, go to church, not because church is the only place to find God, but because fellowship with other Christian's is important. I started talking to God again. Praying to Him throughout the day. Letting Him know what I was feeling and going through. Yes He already knows, but I believe that He wants us to come to Him, like a parent, and talk to Him about our life and what is happening.
I belive that God wants us to acknowledge the fact that without Him, we are alone even in a world full of others. He wants us to come to Him with our hurt, sorrow, anger, pain and joy. Everything we go through or feel, we can go to Him and He will listen and comfort us. He wants us to be happy, to live a good life and to let others know that they to can have what we have.
I'm afraid that I have not always been the best example of this. There have been times when I wasn't acting or living the way that God calls us to. Its not that I didn't want to live that way, its that , and this is in no way an excuse, I was so deep into my ED, that I couldn't see how it was affecting my ability to love others, to walk the way God had called me, and to use the gifts and talents He had given me to share with others.
This was so hard for me to realize. To know that I had chosen to put ED before God. That I was willing to walk away from that free gift that He offers to all, so I could be chained to my misery. To know that my choice was slowly killing me, my relationships with others and with God. I was dying, killing my internal organs and destroying the temple of God. Not what He has called me to do, but what I was chosing of my own free will.
Well, once I realized all of this, I cried out, first to God, than to my husband, and than to outside help, I was able to start down the path of healing. It wasn't easy and I could only see myself as this ugly thing. This thing or person that wasn't worthy of love, compassion or caring. I was dark inside, a blackness had settled on my, I was stained and I would never be clean. Thats when I saw it, the verse above. And I looked for others. Verses that spoke about the unclean becoming white as snow, the stains, crimson stains, being washed away and all that was left was clean once more.
There was my hope. My light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel I had been traveling in. I didn't even realize how dark it was, until I let the light back it. The feeling of being clean was beyound description. To no longer have to bear the load on my own. To carry a burden that for one was to heavy and two, never mine to bear alone. All along God was waiting for me to see this. To turn to Him, cry out to Him, and to ask. That was all, just to ask. That tiny little action of no longer thinking I was in control, but turning it over completely to Him.
Now if you have ever carried soemthing really heavy, you know that if someone comes along and helps, the load is lighter. Its easier to carry. Your not all alone. Thats what God did for me, and He also cleansed me from that which I thought I could never be clean from. He washed me in the blood of the Lamb, and I was white as snow. I was free from my sin and shame. My past was no longer in control of my present. God was! And it was easy once I just let go.
So now I can see myself as I see the outside. Washed white as snow. Clean, loved, cherished, forgiven. You can know this feeling to. You only need to accept Jesus into your heart. Let Him drive out the darkness and fill you with light. Let Him carry the burdens you have held onto for so long. Let Him wash you white as snow!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Moving Forward
"Bretheren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead," Phillipians 3:13
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
Today would have been my fathers 67th birthday. He is celebrating in heaven instead of here on earth. My heart feels a little empty spot because I didn't get to compete with my siblings to be the first to tell him happy birthday today. But dad wouldn't have wanted me to be dwelling on that, instead he would have me thinking about the things that are more important.
The most important thing to my dad was always family. He would bend over backwards to ensure that everyone had what they needed, even if it meant he went without. That's just who he was. He liked to think about what heaven would be like so he would say, "we should practice unconditional love here, so we would be good at it when we got there."
Well, moving forward is not always easy. Especially when we lose someone so important in our lives. A father, mother, grandparent, uncle or aunt, sibling or child. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in that time, moment, or sickness. We can't seem to find the drive to move forward. This is what has been on my mind this weekend into today.
Have you ever started a journey you just didn't feel you could finish? Maybe it was a hike up a mountain, a workout, a diet plan, or whatever. You start out feeling strong knowing you are going to finish it. Than somewhere along the way, you begin to tire. You feel like the task or path before you is just to big.
You find yourself far from where you wanted to be, and far from where you started. You can't imagine going back to where you started, and your not sure you can make it to your goal. My goal this year has been 2 fold. I wanted to recover, and I wanted to find peace and joy before the anniversary of my fathers passing. Doesn't seem to hard, but let me tell you, I felt like I was running a marathon and I was exhausted.
I was trying so hard to just get over my dad's death, to return to before. Before his diagnosis, before his treatments, before his sickness weakened his body, and made him helpless. I thought if I could just return to before, I would be fine. The problem was, before would never be again. I could not travel back the way I had come. The path I had traveled was no longer passible. It was covered, destroyed, gone.
I was left with only one choice, I needed to move forward. But how? How do you move forward when there is no path, no map, no compass to guide you? After wandering in the wilderness by myself, I finally realized that all along, I had a guide. He was just waiting for me to look forward. To want to proceed. To follow the path that I needed to take, forge ahead, blaze a new trail. It wouldn't be easy as there were obstacles in the way, but He assured me that with His help, He could get me through.
Sometimes I wanted to just turn around, quit, give up, but He was always there leading me on. He would speak gently to me, encouraging me not to give up, to fight on. I would sometimes find myself in a valley that looked like it had only sheer rock cliffs on either side, but He would guide me to the hand hold, to the next step, a path where none existed before. He gave me a helper to walk through this journey with me. My husband.
Just like in rock climbing, its always important to have a partner that can help when you are struggling. My husband was that person for me. Along this journey, we have grown so close. He is my one and only best friend. Yes I have other friends, but only one best friend and that is Ed. He would listen while I cried, lift me up when I felt I couldn't go on, and yes, yell at me when I needed that extra push. He was my cheerleader through this battle.
He has loved me and shown me that moving forward, while at times very painful, is exactly what I need to do. There is so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful family, a true blessing from God. I can't imagine my life without them all. I have good friends, who listen when I need to talk. I have my health, real health for the first time in years.
So, would I say moving forward is easy? NO! Is it worth it? YES!!!. Recovery is possible for everyone who truly wants it. Moving forward, continuing when you feel you can't take another step, getting to that place you really want to be at, is possible. Its hard at times and I want to give up but let me tell you, where I am now is so much better than where I was.
So as it says in the verse above, let me not look behind, look back, but to move forward. Look to what God has given me, blessed me with, called me to. Will it be easy? No but I am not afraid. I move forward in bold confidence that God is with me every step of the way. And when this journey is over, I will see my loved ones on the other side.
God bless. Have a Great Day!!!
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