Is there something in your life that you truly regret? Something that sneeks up from time to time and interrupts the journey your on? Puts a road block, a huge pothole, or even a detour sign in your daily life?
Its happened to me. I have regrets. Some big, some small. The ones I could deal with, I have, and the ones I could not, I've just had to let go of. I have asked for forgiveness from God, the people I may have hurt, and most importantly, from myself.
So I know that you might be saying to yourself, "forgive yourself?" Yes, forgive yourself. Its just as important, if not the most important part of moving past that mistakes you have made and finding healing from the damage it may have caused. It may have been as little as telling your boss you were sick when you really were not, or as big as taking something that did not belong to you or worse.
The thing we need to remember, no matter the sin, God will always forgive us when we repent and ask for forgiveness. We can't control whether others will forgive us, but thats between them and God. The one we find it hardest to forgive is ourselves. We forget that when we forgive ourselves, we allow a healing that only God can bring, to seep into every part of our lives. A healing that refreshes our souls and gives us the rest we need from the burden the unforgivness becomes.
Think about this. When we don't forgive ourselves, God cannot forgive us. I had never thought about this until I was studying forgivness and came across the verse in Mark 11:26. It reads, "But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions."
Now you might want to argue that God was only referring to forgivness in regards to others, but it states in the verse clearly that if you do not forgive, it does not say if you do not forgive others. This means forgivness includes onself. Profound right?
So how do I forgive myself? How do I find a way to let go of all the negative I feel about myself or something I think I may have done wrong? This is a very good question and one I will address.
My background always made be feel like the things I'd done were so bad, that even God couldn't forgive me. There was no way He could love a sinner like me, but that just isn't true. I have read the Bible and as we all know in John 3:16 it states that God sent His Son into this world for the sins of all mankind. This means for our forgiveness. It didn't say only small sins, but the ones that seem unforgivable.
Jesus on the cross even asked His Father to forgive those who were crucifying Him. Do you think yourself better than Christ? Do you think you know more than God? Well my friend, you don't and neither do I that is why we cannot withhold forgiveness from others or ourselves. When we do this, we tell God that we think we know better than He does. He forgave sins that we as humans could possibly never forgive, but in doing so taught us how to forgive.
That brings it back to forgiveness of self. We may some really big regrets. Some sins that just feel unpardonable. But remember, God already know about these sins and the regret we carry around with them. The baggage of these sins can weigh us down without us even realizing how heavy they are and how much they affect our lives.
I'm here to tell you to lay that burden down. Leave that baggage behind. Lay it all at the foot of the Cross and don't pick it up again. God eagerly waits to forgive you, now you just need to forgive yourself!!!
Heavenly Father,
You love us just as a good Father should. You want a better life for us. You know our every thought and deed. Reach down and help us to understand that true healing comes when we forgive, not only others, but ourselves as well Help us to realize we need to forgive ourselves in order to move on the best life you have for us. Father, help the healing to begin in each person who needs this today. We love You Lord and thank you for the healing that is coming our way.
AMEN!!!
Monday, June 24, 2019
Friday, May 17, 2019
It's just unfair!
So as most of you know I am recovering from surgery that I had last month. The recovery period has been so hard for me. You would think that having 6 weeks off of work would be a breeze. Well, for me it isn't. I can't handle just sitting around and having to depend on others. Its so darned hard.
Well that is exactly what I have had to learn. There have been times when I have tried to do things, and in true Carrie fashion, I don't do it small. Each time I have regretted it because there have been consequences. Not anything that I would wish, but set backs none the less. Some were scary, but apparently never scary enough for me to learn my lesson.
I get scolded, by my husband, family, and myself. Than a few days later, I just do it again. Not the same thing, but just pushing myself to do more than what my body is ready to do. Its not smart, but I do it again. Why do we do that? Why do we, "Learn our lesson," only to repeat it again at another time either the same way or different but just as bad. So foolish we can be.
One lesson I have learned I had to learn the hard way. That is looking at what others have and becoming envious or angry that I have worked so hard and still don't have some of the things I want and feel I deserve.
That makes me angry or hurt. I can't understand why others deserve so much better, or what I perceive as better, than what I have. But God tells us in Philippians 4:19, "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Wow, that is profound. It speaks to me that I may think I need it but is it a want or a need.
When we don't get what we want, we can become angry, cry, have a temper tantrum or whatever. We feel cheated, but we really aren't. We just project that feeling onto ourselves. We aren't cheated because what we want was not ours and so no one took it from us.
There is a story in the bible that tells of a Master who hired workers to work in his vineyard. (Matthew 20:1-16). He hired the men and told them what they would be paid for the work that they did. Some began at the start of the day, early in the morning. Others started in the afternoon, and yet still, others started late in the day.
At the end of the day, the master paid the workers the agreed upon wage. Imagine the way those who were hired first felt when they saw that those hired last were paid the same wage. They became angry and wanted more pay. The owner explained to them that they agreed to do the work for that amount. He told them to take the wage and go. The workers felt this was unjust, they felt it unfair that some worked 1 hour and got paid the same as those who worded a full day. How unfair. Or is it?
You see, they all agreed to work for the wage the owner hired them at. It didn't change what they agreed on just because the others worked less time. It was the wage they agreed to at the start of the day and didn't change because others agreed to the same pay for less work.
In today's day and age, I'm sure if this happened, people would want to protest, cause riots, burn down the vineyards, or boycott the business. But life is not always fair, and its not meant to be. This story is God's way of telling us that life isn't always fair. That there are those who will come into the fold later in life, after a life of sin and living their way. God will welcome them with open arms and heaven will rejoice just as it did when you were first saved.
We should all rejoice at this because they were saved, not be envious or jealous because they lived a life of sin and than repented and were saved. Would you really have been happier if you had lived life in sin and gotten saved later, or even with your last breath? Do you think life would have been so much better this way?
How about looking at it this way. You were saved earlier, you got to know the Lord early on in life. You spent time getting to know Him, reading His word, in fellowship with Him and worshiping Him. You grew that relationship and learned so much along the way. You may have been instrumental in someone else coming to the Lord. How much more is that worth to you?
For me, its invaluable. Its the time, the lessons, the grace, the mercy, and so much more. The life lessons I have learned during that time. The journey of falling in love with the Lord and being blessed with all that He has given me. WOW!!!
To me its like Proverbs 3:13-14. "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. For its profit is far better than the profit of silver, and its gain than fine gold." I mean, what could be better than that? NOTHING! Its laid out in terms man can understand, but it speaks of the riches and glory we receive from our Heavenly Father.
So I will leave you with this. How will you choose to face what you see as unfairness? Will you face it with faith, or anger? With love or hate? Half full, or half empty? The choice is yours!
Be blessed friends as you go through your weekend.
Yours truly,
Carrie
Well that is exactly what I have had to learn. There have been times when I have tried to do things, and in true Carrie fashion, I don't do it small. Each time I have regretted it because there have been consequences. Not anything that I would wish, but set backs none the less. Some were scary, but apparently never scary enough for me to learn my lesson.
I get scolded, by my husband, family, and myself. Than a few days later, I just do it again. Not the same thing, but just pushing myself to do more than what my body is ready to do. Its not smart, but I do it again. Why do we do that? Why do we, "Learn our lesson," only to repeat it again at another time either the same way or different but just as bad. So foolish we can be.
One lesson I have learned I had to learn the hard way. That is looking at what others have and becoming envious or angry that I have worked so hard and still don't have some of the things I want and feel I deserve.
That makes me angry or hurt. I can't understand why others deserve so much better, or what I perceive as better, than what I have. But God tells us in Philippians 4:19, "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Wow, that is profound. It speaks to me that I may think I need it but is it a want or a need.
When we don't get what we want, we can become angry, cry, have a temper tantrum or whatever. We feel cheated, but we really aren't. We just project that feeling onto ourselves. We aren't cheated because what we want was not ours and so no one took it from us.
There is a story in the bible that tells of a Master who hired workers to work in his vineyard. (Matthew 20:1-16). He hired the men and told them what they would be paid for the work that they did. Some began at the start of the day, early in the morning. Others started in the afternoon, and yet still, others started late in the day.
At the end of the day, the master paid the workers the agreed upon wage. Imagine the way those who were hired first felt when they saw that those hired last were paid the same wage. They became angry and wanted more pay. The owner explained to them that they agreed to do the work for that amount. He told them to take the wage and go. The workers felt this was unjust, they felt it unfair that some worked 1 hour and got paid the same as those who worded a full day. How unfair. Or is it?
You see, they all agreed to work for the wage the owner hired them at. It didn't change what they agreed on just because the others worked less time. It was the wage they agreed to at the start of the day and didn't change because others agreed to the same pay for less work.
In today's day and age, I'm sure if this happened, people would want to protest, cause riots, burn down the vineyards, or boycott the business. But life is not always fair, and its not meant to be. This story is God's way of telling us that life isn't always fair. That there are those who will come into the fold later in life, after a life of sin and living their way. God will welcome them with open arms and heaven will rejoice just as it did when you were first saved.
We should all rejoice at this because they were saved, not be envious or jealous because they lived a life of sin and than repented and were saved. Would you really have been happier if you had lived life in sin and gotten saved later, or even with your last breath? Do you think life would have been so much better this way?
How about looking at it this way. You were saved earlier, you got to know the Lord early on in life. You spent time getting to know Him, reading His word, in fellowship with Him and worshiping Him. You grew that relationship and learned so much along the way. You may have been instrumental in someone else coming to the Lord. How much more is that worth to you?
For me, its invaluable. Its the time, the lessons, the grace, the mercy, and so much more. The life lessons I have learned during that time. The journey of falling in love with the Lord and being blessed with all that He has given me. WOW!!!
To me its like Proverbs 3:13-14. "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. For its profit is far better than the profit of silver, and its gain than fine gold." I mean, what could be better than that? NOTHING! Its laid out in terms man can understand, but it speaks of the riches and glory we receive from our Heavenly Father.
So I will leave you with this. How will you choose to face what you see as unfairness? Will you face it with faith, or anger? With love or hate? Half full, or half empty? The choice is yours!
Be blessed friends as you go through your weekend.
Yours truly,
Carrie
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Wait on the Lord, and again I say wait.
May 1, 2019. Happy May day.
So it has nearly been a year since I have written. Boy life has gotten busy and I have not written on my blog. I have continued to journal so what I am going to write today will be from a journal writing from last year and the one I wrote again recently following surgery.
Yes I said surgery. This girl finally decided that in order to better care for others, she had to take care of herself. It was a rough surgery, there were some minor complications, but the Lord pulled me through it and recovery is taking place as I write.
In March of last year, I wrote in my personal journal about waiting on the Lord. I am well aware that patience is not one of my better virtues. I figure out what I want to do, or where I want to be, and than I proceed to want it right then and there. Funny thing is, patience is just what the Lord is making be learn through this surgery and recovery period.
So this year, my journal had the same theme, so I titled it, "Wait again". I found myself in a place where I needed to wait on the Lord and trust in the process taking place. Ugh, the whole patience thing again. I think God is trying to make it one of my better virtues possibly.
I feel like I trust God and his plan for my life, but patience is such a challenge for me. I feel I need the answer now, to know the outcome even before something has taken place. I feel out of control when this doesn't happens, and out of control feels icky to me. But I am learning that when I am not in control, God is. This is real trust, and something I am learning through the healing process.
Doing this means having faith, and faith means trusting whether I know the outcome or not. I must trust that the outcome will be just what God has planned and that He knows what my life needs, and will provide. He does not want me walking in fear, but in that faith that I proclaim to have.
Through some of the difficulties I have had since surgery, I found myself looking things up on the internet. This really wasn't wise as it opened me up to even more fear than faith. Did you know, the internet is pessimistic? You can type in symptoms or questions about something and its going to give you the worst possible scenarios. I mean really, what better way than this to convince you that your sicker than you are, or worse, your dying.
Instead of thinking I must know everything, I am learning to just rest, wait in the Lord, and trust that his outcomes for my life are better than anything I could think of myself. I read in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven." And in John 16:33 RED LETTER "These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have over come the world."
In Psalms 27:14 we see the title of this blog in verse. It says, "Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Its so important that we wait for the Lord that the Psalmist writes it twice. Wait, and again wait. Stop trying to figure your life out on your own and before its time. Begin to live life one day at a time.
Seek the Lord when you run into things your unsure about and see if its something He has designed for you to deal with at this time. If not, let it go. When we do this, we can begin to have a life that runs more smoothly instead of thinking that everything has to have an answer or a fix at this exact moment. This will free you up for a more simple, less hectic and less stressful life.
When we wait on the Lord, focus on Him and not the noise of the world, all the chaos that has been our norm begins to lose its power. The world may continue in chaos, but in Him we find peace. Remember, He overcame the world so that we might have peace.
Blessings to you and yours and may Gods peace reign in your life this week.
So it has nearly been a year since I have written. Boy life has gotten busy and I have not written on my blog. I have continued to journal so what I am going to write today will be from a journal writing from last year and the one I wrote again recently following surgery.
Yes I said surgery. This girl finally decided that in order to better care for others, she had to take care of herself. It was a rough surgery, there were some minor complications, but the Lord pulled me through it and recovery is taking place as I write.
In March of last year, I wrote in my personal journal about waiting on the Lord. I am well aware that patience is not one of my better virtues. I figure out what I want to do, or where I want to be, and than I proceed to want it right then and there. Funny thing is, patience is just what the Lord is making be learn through this surgery and recovery period.
So this year, my journal had the same theme, so I titled it, "Wait again". I found myself in a place where I needed to wait on the Lord and trust in the process taking place. Ugh, the whole patience thing again. I think God is trying to make it one of my better virtues possibly.
I feel like I trust God and his plan for my life, but patience is such a challenge for me. I feel I need the answer now, to know the outcome even before something has taken place. I feel out of control when this doesn't happens, and out of control feels icky to me. But I am learning that when I am not in control, God is. This is real trust, and something I am learning through the healing process.
Doing this means having faith, and faith means trusting whether I know the outcome or not. I must trust that the outcome will be just what God has planned and that He knows what my life needs, and will provide. He does not want me walking in fear, but in that faith that I proclaim to have.
Through some of the difficulties I have had since surgery, I found myself looking things up on the internet. This really wasn't wise as it opened me up to even more fear than faith. Did you know, the internet is pessimistic? You can type in symptoms or questions about something and its going to give you the worst possible scenarios. I mean really, what better way than this to convince you that your sicker than you are, or worse, your dying.
Instead of thinking I must know everything, I am learning to just rest, wait in the Lord, and trust that his outcomes for my life are better than anything I could think of myself. I read in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven." And in John 16:33 RED LETTER "These things I have spoken to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have over come the world."
In Psalms 27:14 we see the title of this blog in verse. It says, "Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Its so important that we wait for the Lord that the Psalmist writes it twice. Wait, and again wait. Stop trying to figure your life out on your own and before its time. Begin to live life one day at a time.
Seek the Lord when you run into things your unsure about and see if its something He has designed for you to deal with at this time. If not, let it go. When we do this, we can begin to have a life that runs more smoothly instead of thinking that everything has to have an answer or a fix at this exact moment. This will free you up for a more simple, less hectic and less stressful life.
When we wait on the Lord, focus on Him and not the noise of the world, all the chaos that has been our norm begins to lose its power. The world may continue in chaos, but in Him we find peace. Remember, He overcame the world so that we might have peace.
Blessings to you and yours and may Gods peace reign in your life this week.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Back at it.
So I just came back from a 10 day vacation. It was so wonderful and so peaceful. We spent time at home the first half which worked out really great. It gave us time to get the garage cleaned out, and to get some much needed yard work done. The second half we spent camping in the mountains with all of our kids and grandkids.
We camped up at San Isabel lake. What breathtaking beauty. The mornings were quiet with a crispness to the air. Much needed after the heat of Pueblo West. The days were spent playing corn hole, fishing, hiking, or just relaxing. We took a day and went to Bishops castle, took the kids on the boat, and went on a nature hike.
I took some time to just walk alone and reflect on things. As a hospice nurse, I am subjected to grief on a daily basis, so I just needed some time to relax and think. As I reflected, I realized that I experience the grief of my patients, their families, friends, and than even my own grief. It is a constant in my line of work. I began to ask, is this really what I want to do with the rest of my nursing career?
This was one of the things I had seriously been contemplating prior to our vacation. I was pretty sure that I no longer wanted to do hospice. No longer wanted the constant grief that is a hospice nurse life. I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, where I could feel like I was able to help or make a difference. To help someone heal. To go to work, work my day, and come home and live my life without the constant worry of someone else.
During my walk, I began to reflect over the time I have been a hospice nurse. How I initially got into it, what drew me to stay in it, and why I worked so hard for my RN so I could be a case manager. I realized that all the things I wanted to change about what I do as an RN, applied in what I was already doing. I had just gotten so caught up in the grief, I lost sight of what it really means to be a hospice nurse. I had a little burn out, which by the way happens in every job, not just hospice.
I do help. I help my patients understand their disease process, the dying process, and what happens as they do this journey. I make a difference in their lives and the lives of their families as well as my co-workers. I help them to heal from the grief that they experience when they are first given the news that their disease is terminal. It is my choice if I carry that work home, and I do. Why you might ask? Because that is who I am.
You see, I have always been a care giver. It started when I was little and would bring injured animals home all the time. Everything from birds, to mice. Yes, mice. I always wanted to help others. I stuck up for the underdog, befriended people others shunned, and cared for those who couldn't care for themselves. I was put in the role of mother at an early age as I helped to raise my brothers and sisters. So you might say, it was natural that I would become a nurse.
Nursing has given me the opportunity to do what I love. What I am passionate about. Taking care of others. I touch lives in ways I may never even know, and I am okay with that. I help people during a time when most people would run in the opposite direction. It's not easy daily facing what is inevitable for us all. But I do it because I genuinely care for each of my patients. I care about what they are feeling, their fears, their pain, their joy.
My job is not a job. It is a blessing. Each day I step into the lives of others and help guide them through their journey. There is no book, or training, or teacher that can tell you how to do this. Each and every one of them is unique and the journey they take is different for each one. Where they stand on faith, what they believe does or does not come after death. Their reflection on the life they have live, and the legacy they will leave.
There is so much more to being a hospice nurse than just going in and taking vital signs, monitoring medications, treating wounds and other nursing duties. There is mind, body, and spiritual care that goes into each of my visits. I am not just a nurse to them. At times I am a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, the one who holds them up when they can't go on. I am an educator, a person to bounce their feelings off of, one who may write that final letter, or help them as they come to terms with all that is happening.
The most wonderful thing happened this week as I got back at it. Each home or facility I walked into said to me how very, very happy they were that I was back. They said the other nurses that came in were okay, but that they preferred to have me back. I know that each of us nurses patients feels that way about us. It made me realize that I do make a difference and that it does matter if I am there or not. These people form a bond with us not because we are perfect, or know it all, but because we are there for them at the hardest time in their lives.
In conclusion, I know I am where I am supposed to be. This is where I was called. God has me where I am supposed to be. I know where my strength comes from. I run to God when I feel run down, and like I can't go on. He refreshes my soul. It is through this that I am able to keep doing what He has called me to do.
I will leave you with this from Timothy Keller:
"You don't go to God because he is useful, you go because He is beautiful, and nothing is more useful than finding God beautiful."
Find your beautiful today and you will be useful!
We camped up at San Isabel lake. What breathtaking beauty. The mornings were quiet with a crispness to the air. Much needed after the heat of Pueblo West. The days were spent playing corn hole, fishing, hiking, or just relaxing. We took a day and went to Bishops castle, took the kids on the boat, and went on a nature hike.
I took some time to just walk alone and reflect on things. As a hospice nurse, I am subjected to grief on a daily basis, so I just needed some time to relax and think. As I reflected, I realized that I experience the grief of my patients, their families, friends, and than even my own grief. It is a constant in my line of work. I began to ask, is this really what I want to do with the rest of my nursing career?
This was one of the things I had seriously been contemplating prior to our vacation. I was pretty sure that I no longer wanted to do hospice. No longer wanted the constant grief that is a hospice nurse life. I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, where I could feel like I was able to help or make a difference. To help someone heal. To go to work, work my day, and come home and live my life without the constant worry of someone else.
During my walk, I began to reflect over the time I have been a hospice nurse. How I initially got into it, what drew me to stay in it, and why I worked so hard for my RN so I could be a case manager. I realized that all the things I wanted to change about what I do as an RN, applied in what I was already doing. I had just gotten so caught up in the grief, I lost sight of what it really means to be a hospice nurse. I had a little burn out, which by the way happens in every job, not just hospice.
I do help. I help my patients understand their disease process, the dying process, and what happens as they do this journey. I make a difference in their lives and the lives of their families as well as my co-workers. I help them to heal from the grief that they experience when they are first given the news that their disease is terminal. It is my choice if I carry that work home, and I do. Why you might ask? Because that is who I am.
You see, I have always been a care giver. It started when I was little and would bring injured animals home all the time. Everything from birds, to mice. Yes, mice. I always wanted to help others. I stuck up for the underdog, befriended people others shunned, and cared for those who couldn't care for themselves. I was put in the role of mother at an early age as I helped to raise my brothers and sisters. So you might say, it was natural that I would become a nurse.
Nursing has given me the opportunity to do what I love. What I am passionate about. Taking care of others. I touch lives in ways I may never even know, and I am okay with that. I help people during a time when most people would run in the opposite direction. It's not easy daily facing what is inevitable for us all. But I do it because I genuinely care for each of my patients. I care about what they are feeling, their fears, their pain, their joy.
My job is not a job. It is a blessing. Each day I step into the lives of others and help guide them through their journey. There is no book, or training, or teacher that can tell you how to do this. Each and every one of them is unique and the journey they take is different for each one. Where they stand on faith, what they believe does or does not come after death. Their reflection on the life they have live, and the legacy they will leave.
There is so much more to being a hospice nurse than just going in and taking vital signs, monitoring medications, treating wounds and other nursing duties. There is mind, body, and spiritual care that goes into each of my visits. I am not just a nurse to them. At times I am a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, the one who holds them up when they can't go on. I am an educator, a person to bounce their feelings off of, one who may write that final letter, or help them as they come to terms with all that is happening.
The most wonderful thing happened this week as I got back at it. Each home or facility I walked into said to me how very, very happy they were that I was back. They said the other nurses that came in were okay, but that they preferred to have me back. I know that each of us nurses patients feels that way about us. It made me realize that I do make a difference and that it does matter if I am there or not. These people form a bond with us not because we are perfect, or know it all, but because we are there for them at the hardest time in their lives.
In conclusion, I know I am where I am supposed to be. This is where I was called. God has me where I am supposed to be. I know where my strength comes from. I run to God when I feel run down, and like I can't go on. He refreshes my soul. It is through this that I am able to keep doing what He has called me to do.
I will leave you with this from Timothy Keller:
"You don't go to God because he is useful, you go because He is beautiful, and nothing is more useful than finding God beautiful."
Find your beautiful today and you will be useful!
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Soul Tired
BUSYNESS IS AN ILLNESS OF THE SPIRIT
Psalms 46:10
".....all men need enough silence and solitude in their lives to enable the deep inner voice of their own true self to be heard at least occasionally." Thomas Merton
After 4 hours of sleep last night I was awakened and forced to start my day .I walked out to the back deck and sat down and cried. I am so tired that all I could do is just cry. I thought to myself, what have I done to not deserve rest, and then I read the saying above. I don't take time alone. Time without the TV, radio, or my cell phone. I don't feel I deserve to take time for me. How many people are guilty of this.
In Psalms 46:10, it says to, "cease striving and know that I am God;" What does this truly mean? I mean, I have to be busy in order to get everything done. I have to keep doing so that people are happy with me, think I am doing a good job, see my good work. I want my husband and children to say, "wow, I really appreciate all you do for me." But it doesn't happen. No matter how hard or long I work, I don't hear these words, or if I do, its few and far between.
I hear people say that you shouldn't expect a thank you for the job your supposed to do. You are paid to do that job, you don't need to be told your doing it well. We work so very hard, keep our selves so busy, always striving to be more, do more, get more. Well that is just plan crazy. At the end of our lives, others are not going to care what job we did, how much we got done in a day, or how much we have. They are going to remember us for how our time was spent. Either being with others, or doing all the time.
I have never been a sit back person. I strive everyday to be that perfect person, not seeing that I am only pushing myself into exhaustion. I don't need to be the perfect person for everyone. Everyone else's happiness does not super cede my happiness, but that is how I have always lived my life. Trying so hard to please everyone else, that I have lost sight of the fact that I should make sure I am taken care of first.
Being the oldest child, I was always caring for my siblings. I also took care of my parents a lot because of their choices. This meant there was little time for quite, little time for me, and little time to be a child myself. I felt that if I just did everything right, my parents would love me, my teachers would praise me, that someone, anyone, would be proud of what I did.
I see now that I was chasing an elusive dream. That having someone else approve of what I do is not only crazy, but unnecessary. I don't have to do what I do for the approval of others. The only one I need to please is God!. I don't need to do my work for others to accept me, or always be the one trying to make peace. I can look out for me. I can do what Carrie wants to do. I can just be.
You see, striving to always please others, always feeling not good enough, always pushing harder to be smarter, better, and gain others approval is down right exhausting. Always being expected to do for others before myself, to make sure everyone around me is happy and happy with what I am doing has worn me out. I feel so burnt out that I just want to run away to some very quite, remote, peaceful place, and forget all my responsibilities.
Of course, that is not reasonable, but it sure sounds good. That is why it is so important to have that still, quite time each and everyday. A time when there is no distraction, no electronic devices, no voices asking, pulling, prodding for us to do more! We all need peace, quiet, time to just let down. Society says you are not successful if your not always busy. THIS IS A LIE!!!
I cannot do what I need to do, give the attention I need to give, or care the way I need to care, if I don't first care for me. If I don't give myself permission to just be quiet. To do something just for me. Its not being selfish, like I tell myself anytime I want to do something for myself. It is personal care. We all need it, I just can't wrap my brain around it.
I am currently on vacation. I take one vacation a year. I don't feel like I can take more time than that because I feel guilty. Like I am letting others down, or making others do my work. How can I even feel this way. Others take time off and I fill in where I am needed when they do. So why to I feel bad if I do the same? I shouldn't and this year I finally decided, yes I do deserve this time.
I go to work sick, I take care of others all the time, buy things for others, and make sure everyone else is happy all the time. This leaves me feeling tired, sad, angry, unloved, and just plain yucky. Then it seeps out into my actions, words, behavior. Someone will call me out on it and then I feel guilty again. This leads to me trying to please everyone again. And the vicious circle goes on.
I am learning that I am no good to others if I am not good to me. I need to take time to just be quite. To spend time with God. To take care of myself first. I need to do this just for me, not so that I can be busier, do more, take care of more, but just for me. This is not a concept I am familiar with, as I have always taken care of others first. Learning to take care of me first is hard for me to do. Saying no to others is one of the hardest things, the biggest challenge I face.
Others have become accustomed to me always doing for them first, that when I try to do for myself, slow down, not be so busy, they get upset. This pushes me back into that thought process of doing for others first. I am not good at saying NO, but I am learning. I am learning to see that even if I am not in the middle of whatever is going on, I am okay. I don't need to be.
Sometimes its okay to let others fall, to let them do for themselves, to have to deal with the tough stuff. Let them be the busy one while I sit back and take it easy. WOW is this hard for me! But again, I am learning. I am learning to be still, to let go, and to give myself permission to rest. Its going to take time, but each day I do a little better. I am learning that I am not mean if I take care of me first, I am smart if I do!!!!!
So in conclusion, I no longer need to be soul tired, physically tired, emotionally tired, I can take the time to be quite, be still, take care of me first and others will survive. It will be alright!
Monday, July 9, 2018
Aspen the yellow pup's new adventures.
Aspen the yellow pup joined our life on July 5th, 2018. It was crazy the way it all came into being. Here is the story.
We are the Herrera Family. We have had dogs pretty much since we first got married. We have had all different types. Heinz 57 to pure bred. Our breeds have been Schnauzers, Boxers, Siberian Huasky, Wolf hybrid, Boxer/pitbull mix, Miniature Daschund, and finally our Yellow Lab.
All the dogs were amazing and touched our lives in special ways. Each loss was felt deeply as they are our fur babies. Our most recent loss was our Daschund Gracie Mae Herrera. She was a very unique daschund who was adventurous, and happy. She brought such joy into our lives.
Grace entered our life in February of 2014. She came all the way from Georgia. She was the sweetest little thing. It wasn't long before she was a part of our family, and our hearts. She did have some issues, like not listening, running the other direction when you called her, and thinking she was a Great Dane, not a daschund.
She was also my best friend. She followed me everywhere I went, to the consternation of my husband. On Saturday's it was Grace and I. We would get up before anyone else, make coffee, go out to the porch or sit on the couch together and welcome the morning. She was such a snuggler.
We moved to the mountains 3 years ago and Grace was in her element. She was all over the place. All of our neighbors knew who she was. She was a barker and that's how we always knew where she was. Of course, being in the mountains is not the best place to run all over when your a little dog.
In February of this year we suffered 2 tragedies. First my aunt Phyllis passed away. We were gone to her funeral all day long. Our son was home and was taking care of our dogs. When we got home close to midnight, I asked our son where grace was. He said he tried to get her inside but she wouldn't listen.
In the morning, I went our and looked all over for her. I thought I heard her barking far away. When my husband and son got up, our son told us that the neighbor had come up last night and told him that they had seen a mountain lion come up our driveway.
That's when we started looking for Grace in earnest. We went out the back gate with our lab to look for her. As we started down the path, we noticed our lab Zuni was acting funny. She would go in front of us, whine a bit and come straight back.
My husband went ahead of me and as we walked down the path I spotted blood on the ground. I began to cry and called my husband back. We tracked to blood for a ways but found no other blood after a while. He finally turned to me and hugged me. That's when I just sobbed. I knew then that my Gracie Mae was gone.
I told my husband I was done with dogs. My heart just couldn't handle the heart break of losing another baby. We decided that we would just have Zuni until she passed and then we would be done with dogs. So the fact that Aspen come into our lives is such a miracle story
Our daughter in law had decided to have a yard sale. We had just moved into our new home and we had stuff we needed to get rid of. We took all of our stuff up to their house. During the yard sale, an older gentleman arrived. He had 3 yellow labs in the back of his pick-up. I commented that we had one and we loved them so much.
Some time during the conversation, I mentioned that we would like to have another lab puppy, but that they were so expensive that we couldn't afford one. He mentioned that his niece had just had a litter of puppies and was looking to get rid of the last 3 she had. She was selling them for $200.00.
He called his niece, we talked, she sent pictures of the puppies and boom, we got another puppy. We made arrangements to pick up the puppy. On Thursday July 5th, we picked up our new baby. She was so playful and sweet. We named her Aspen and brought her home. Zuni was a little unsure at first, but they are now friends. Zuni even tries to mother her.
Aspen is working her way into our hearts, and healing the missing part where Grace left a big hole. She will never replace Grace, but she will help heal the emptiness. She has been having adventures with us. We have been to the mountains with her, the lake, and to the college to look for Pokeman. We hope she will have many adventures with our family for years to come.
We are the Herrera Family. We have had dogs pretty much since we first got married. We have had all different types. Heinz 57 to pure bred. Our breeds have been Schnauzers, Boxers, Siberian Huasky, Wolf hybrid, Boxer/pitbull mix, Miniature Daschund, and finally our Yellow Lab.
All the dogs were amazing and touched our lives in special ways. Each loss was felt deeply as they are our fur babies. Our most recent loss was our Daschund Gracie Mae Herrera. She was a very unique daschund who was adventurous, and happy. She brought such joy into our lives.
Grace entered our life in February of 2014. She came all the way from Georgia. She was the sweetest little thing. It wasn't long before she was a part of our family, and our hearts. She did have some issues, like not listening, running the other direction when you called her, and thinking she was a Great Dane, not a daschund.
She was also my best friend. She followed me everywhere I went, to the consternation of my husband. On Saturday's it was Grace and I. We would get up before anyone else, make coffee, go out to the porch or sit on the couch together and welcome the morning. She was such a snuggler.
We moved to the mountains 3 years ago and Grace was in her element. She was all over the place. All of our neighbors knew who she was. She was a barker and that's how we always knew where she was. Of course, being in the mountains is not the best place to run all over when your a little dog.
In February of this year we suffered 2 tragedies. First my aunt Phyllis passed away. We were gone to her funeral all day long. Our son was home and was taking care of our dogs. When we got home close to midnight, I asked our son where grace was. He said he tried to get her inside but she wouldn't listen.
In the morning, I went our and looked all over for her. I thought I heard her barking far away. When my husband and son got up, our son told us that the neighbor had come up last night and told him that they had seen a mountain lion come up our driveway.
That's when we started looking for Grace in earnest. We went out the back gate with our lab to look for her. As we started down the path, we noticed our lab Zuni was acting funny. She would go in front of us, whine a bit and come straight back.
My husband went ahead of me and as we walked down the path I spotted blood on the ground. I began to cry and called my husband back. We tracked to blood for a ways but found no other blood after a while. He finally turned to me and hugged me. That's when I just sobbed. I knew then that my Gracie Mae was gone.
I told my husband I was done with dogs. My heart just couldn't handle the heart break of losing another baby. We decided that we would just have Zuni until she passed and then we would be done with dogs. So the fact that Aspen come into our lives is such a miracle story
Our daughter in law had decided to have a yard sale. We had just moved into our new home and we had stuff we needed to get rid of. We took all of our stuff up to their house. During the yard sale, an older gentleman arrived. He had 3 yellow labs in the back of his pick-up. I commented that we had one and we loved them so much.
Some time during the conversation, I mentioned that we would like to have another lab puppy, but that they were so expensive that we couldn't afford one. He mentioned that his niece had just had a litter of puppies and was looking to get rid of the last 3 she had. She was selling them for $200.00.
He called his niece, we talked, she sent pictures of the puppies and boom, we got another puppy. We made arrangements to pick up the puppy. On Thursday July 5th, we picked up our new baby. She was so playful and sweet. We named her Aspen and brought her home. Zuni was a little unsure at first, but they are now friends. Zuni even tries to mother her.
Aspen is working her way into our hearts, and healing the missing part where Grace left a big hole. She will never replace Grace, but she will help heal the emptiness. She has been having adventures with us. We have been to the mountains with her, the lake, and to the college to look for Pokeman. We hope she will have many adventures with our family for years to come.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
A hospice nurse
A hospice nurse...
That is what I have become. I work in hospice now. I am an RN case manager. My job is such a rewarding job, that there isn't a day where I really feel like I am going to work. I am learning so much and I get to help people through one of the hardest times in life.
I started my hospice journey as an LPN. I had a patient on home health, which is where I was working, and he needed to be hospice, I mean he really, really needed to be on hospice. I could not convince him so I asked the DON of hospice to talk to him. She went down and visited with him. Explained to him all that hospice included, and even explained that he would still have a nurse in that would see him like I had been doing.
I received a call from the DON that day. She explained to me that the pt. would agree to go to hospice if, and only if, I agreed to stay in as his nurse. Well, I wont beat around the bush and act like this was the most wonderful thing I'd ever heard. I absolutely did not want to be a hospice nurse. I thought I knew what that meant, that I would have to care for this patient and than watch them die. No sir, not for me, I was going to school to get my RN so I could be a labor and delivery nurse, not a hospice nurse.
Well, after some time I did decide to become his hospice nurse. It was not an easy decision because I have always been uncomfortable with the dying process, and I was so scared of watching a person take their last breath. I was fortunate enough not to be exposed to loved ones dying as I was growing up. I had only lost my grandfather when I was 6 years old.
Taking care of the person was not as hard as I thought it would be. It was much the same as when I was doing home health. The real difference didn't become apparent until the dying process was taking place right before my eyes. The RN I worked with said just to pray and let God speak to me to help with what to say, and what to do.
I will admit, I was scared that I would break down and cry, or panic when the person passed away. I was so thankful and amazed when I didn't. I guided the family as to what to do, as I stayed by their side, and a cared for the patient until his last breath. The experience was eye opening. I felt so blessed to be a part of this very intimate experience.
I did cry, but not until I was in my car and heading home. Of course there is a lot that takes place from the time the person passes, to the time I leave the home, but I will not be sharing that with this story as it is very private. I will share what happens at a later time in another story. This was my first, and was not what I expected. I have to credit my RN with all the knowledge she shared with me to be able to do this.
This is the first of many stories on my hospice journey. I will share more in time, but for now, I just wanted to share a little of what has changed for me. Out of my experiences, God has lead me into a line of work where I feel I am called, blessed, and loved.
That is what I have become. I work in hospice now. I am an RN case manager. My job is such a rewarding job, that there isn't a day where I really feel like I am going to work. I am learning so much and I get to help people through one of the hardest times in life.
I started my hospice journey as an LPN. I had a patient on home health, which is where I was working, and he needed to be hospice, I mean he really, really needed to be on hospice. I could not convince him so I asked the DON of hospice to talk to him. She went down and visited with him. Explained to him all that hospice included, and even explained that he would still have a nurse in that would see him like I had been doing.
I received a call from the DON that day. She explained to me that the pt. would agree to go to hospice if, and only if, I agreed to stay in as his nurse. Well, I wont beat around the bush and act like this was the most wonderful thing I'd ever heard. I absolutely did not want to be a hospice nurse. I thought I knew what that meant, that I would have to care for this patient and than watch them die. No sir, not for me, I was going to school to get my RN so I could be a labor and delivery nurse, not a hospice nurse.
Well, after some time I did decide to become his hospice nurse. It was not an easy decision because I have always been uncomfortable with the dying process, and I was so scared of watching a person take their last breath. I was fortunate enough not to be exposed to loved ones dying as I was growing up. I had only lost my grandfather when I was 6 years old.
Taking care of the person was not as hard as I thought it would be. It was much the same as when I was doing home health. The real difference didn't become apparent until the dying process was taking place right before my eyes. The RN I worked with said just to pray and let God speak to me to help with what to say, and what to do.
I will admit, I was scared that I would break down and cry, or panic when the person passed away. I was so thankful and amazed when I didn't. I guided the family as to what to do, as I stayed by their side, and a cared for the patient until his last breath. The experience was eye opening. I felt so blessed to be a part of this very intimate experience.
I did cry, but not until I was in my car and heading home. Of course there is a lot that takes place from the time the person passes, to the time I leave the home, but I will not be sharing that with this story as it is very private. I will share what happens at a later time in another story. This was my first, and was not what I expected. I have to credit my RN with all the knowledge she shared with me to be able to do this.
This is the first of many stories on my hospice journey. I will share more in time, but for now, I just wanted to share a little of what has changed for me. Out of my experiences, God has lead me into a line of work where I feel I am called, blessed, and loved.
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