So this blog may be a little hard for me to type. I am going to discuss the loss of my father and the spiral into darkness that almost killed me. It isn't easy to share this but I think that it might help others who are struggling with grief and feeling lost.
4 months ago, I lost one of the most amazing men I have ever known. It was my daddy. And let me tell you, it was the most painful, debilitating losses I have ever felt in my life. You see, my dad was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2013. By May of 2014, daddy lost his battle and went home to be with the lord.
I always had such a strong faith in God prior to this. I always trusted God in every aspect of my life. I completely trusted and believed that God was going to heal my dad. When this didn't happen, I felt so lost. I just couldn't come to terms with the fact that God took my dad home. That he healed him but not that way I was expecting.
That's when I started my decent into some really dark times. I did cry out to the Lord a few times to help me to come to terms with my dad's death, but I never heard a reply. I began to think that God was just to busy to hear me. I just wanted to feel better and not have all of this pain anymore. I kept thinking that it was just around the corner, that acceptance and healing for my heart. I didn't hear a thing. Not one tiny word.
So I took matters into my own hands. I used my eating disorder to try to eliminate my pain. I thought that by doing so, I could make the pain go away and get over the death of dad. Well you can guess how well that worked for me It didn't. It only lead me down a path that would eventually make me very, very sick. After months of this behavior, I passed out and ended up in the hospital.
It was at this point I realized that the pain was no less and I had added additional pain to not only myself but my family. I could still feel this heaviness on my shoulders and in my chest that was not medical but was still there physically. It was a loneliness so profound that words can never describe it. I cried out to God at this point and begged Him to please help me. I could no longer live this way.
I realized that I had lost my faith in God. That I had allowed the world to slowly creep in and push God out. I could no longer hear his voice. I don't know that I would have even if He had yelled at me. I just couldn't feel Him in my life anymore. It wasn't that God had left me, but rather, I who had turned away from Him.
Slowly during treatment, I began to hear that voice again. I knew my faith needed to grow in order for His voice to become louder in my daily life. That's when I read it. Hebrews 11:6. " And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." That's when the light bulb went on. I needed to seek Him again. The way I always had before. But the question I had to as myself was how do I do this when I am angry at Him about not answering my prayers about my dad?
That's when He whispered to me, "Cry out to Me. I am waiting. Trust and believe." I cried out to Him in that moment. "Father God, help my unbelief. Help me to desire to seek you. I don't know how to get to that place of trust again but I really need it. I want to find You again. I need You in my life, not just when things are bad, but in everyday. I want to have a closer relationship with You now, not when I get to heaven. I want to begin to see Your hand in my life daily. Open my eyes so I can begin to see you in small and profound ways. I want You to change my heart Lord so I can see you in my life and in the things and people that surround me daily. Continue to speak Your word into my life daily. Help heal me from this darkness that has infiltrated my life. I want Your light in my life again."
I now know that I must actively Look for God in the details of life daily. I must seek Him and in doing so I will see and hear what He has for me daily. It is never easy because the more I seek Him, the harder the evil one is going to fight to convince me that God doesn't really care about me. I know that this is not true and must stay vigilant to prevent him from getting me to believe this lie. You can know this truth to. You just have to trust that God is truly interested in you and what is going on in your life. You can't fall into the lie that we are not important to God. He loves us and wants the best for us.
Its this truth that has lead me out of the darkness and back into the light. I know that everyday I can seek and have a deeper more meaningful relationship with my heavenly Father. My earthly daddy may be gone, but God will never leave or forsake me. Thank You Father for your unconditional love. Amen.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Letting GO of bitterness
I am sure we are all aware that the mind is a very powerful thing. Our brain works and keeps our body running without us having to consciously tell it to do so. It is the power house that supplies signals to every part of us. It can reason and think, remember and recall, and it can work against us at times.
So I am sure that everyone of us at one time or another has had a similar problem that I struggle with. I sometimes think that I know what others are thinking. I also think that they should know what I am thinking, or at least what I am feeling. I don't know anyone in my life who professes to be a mind reader, and yet, this is how I went through life believing.
Now having shared this little bit of info., I am going to get a little personal. I have a habit of becoming somewhat angry or bitter towards a person, mostly my husband or family but others as well, if they don't know what I am thinking or know how I am feeling. Also when I think I know that they are thinking.
This probably sounds really silly to you. But, how about if I asked you if someone has ever done something wrong to you. Lied, stolen, or hurt you or a person you love or care deeply about? I am sure you can say yes to this. I know I can many times over. When we don't or can't address the person directly about what they have done, we can become very bitter. We may begin to even resent them and also may start to plan revenge. This doesn't mean that we may actually carry out the revenge but we can plan many ways to get back at the person in our mind. We might even find ourselves rejoicing when we hear something bad has happened to them.
So today I want to talk to you about the way I am learning to deal with my little problem. When I, or a loved one, has been hurt by someone, I naturally want to hurt that person back and if I can't, I become a little bitter. This shows up in me as silence, angry words, shouting or even stomping around mad. Sounds a little funny for a grown woman to behave that way, but I am being honest, this is how I used to act, ok sometimes still act. But I am really trying to learn a better way.
I am learning to handle these situations in the way God calls me to. To not assume the other person knows what they have done. To not think they should just know what I am thinking. To really press into the scripture about how to handle my anger and obey God so that I don't become a bitter mess. Being a bitter mess was all to easy for me in the past.
So you might be asking yourself, what is she talking about? It's simply this, God's way is to never take revenge on someone but rather to pray for and bless those who persecute you. To pray God's blessing on to them, not to curse them or wish evil on them, not rejoice when they stumble or fall, but to live a life that is honorable in what you say and do, and most importantly, to conquer evil with the goodness of the Lord.
I don't know what your thinking right now, but I remember what I thought when I first started learning about this. WOW!! Really God? You want me to just go around forgiving bad people and then to start praying for them? Even the really evil people who hurt me or my loved ones so deeply? The ones who lied about us and made things up to make my husband and I look bad, or the ones who talked about us behind our backs? The ones who plotted evil so that they could try to make themselves look better? The ones who took things away from us and left us devastated and in shock?
And God gently answered me and said "YES. Even those ones. You see child, if you take matters into your own hands, or try to seek revenge, you are stealing from Me. You are preventing me from being able to deal with these people in my own way." I kind of sat there stunned. I mean really shocked. But then I began to realize that God knows exactly what His purposes are in every situation in my life. And I need to learn to trust in His justice because if I don't, I will probably mess it up and then become even more bitter. And who wants that?
So at this point is right about when I started to feel like I would never be able to do this. How am I supposed to pray for my enemy or those who have hurt me? How do I deal with those who have lied and hurt my family or my friends? Well God said it wouldn't be easy but that it might help if I realize that it is not really the person that is the true problem. It says in the Word that we do not battle against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, and powers of darkness in this world and spiritual forces of darkness in heavenly places. Wow, this was a real eye opener. And it began to change my way of thinking. Like pastor Mike always says, it began to change my stinkin thinkin.
I began to see that my enemy, the true enemy, loves to create a chaotic mess of my life. He likes to do this in every ones life because it pulls us away from our One and only lifeline...God. If we allow the enemy to come in and compromise the relationship we have with our Father, then he can create even more loss in our lives. More hurt, anguish and bitterness. Boy does that ever make him happy. To know that he can so easily come in and wreak havoc in my life. So at this point what do we do?
How do I as a child of God, and you to, let go of this bitterness? How do we trust that God will truly handle the situation? How do I know what the truth is? Well there are plenty of scriptures in the bible that tell us how. Verses that free me and you completely from bitterness, even old, old bitterness that I may have been holding onto for years. I no longer have to worry or plan how I might get back at someone. I am free not to rejoice in their downfall and to realize that it is not the person themselves that I am fighting against. It is the evil one. My job is to live at peace with my fellow man and to operate honorably so as not to bring shame on my family or more importantly, on to God. I can leave the job of holding them accountable to God.
By doing so, I allow God not only to work mightily in my life, but to also begin to work in the life and heart of those that have hurt me. For Him to do this, I need to trust and obey Him. I need to know that God never intended my life, or anyone's for that matter, to be destroyed or filled with bitterness. He instead wants me to have a life that is filled up and overflowing with blessings. An abundant life.
Ok so how do I do this? How do I just trust what God is telling me? How do I know that I have the strength do this. On those days when I feel like I can't listen to what God says, I can't do what He has asked, I must meditate on what His word says. In Phillipians 4:13 He tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" I only need ask for His strength, grace, mercy and help in those times when I feel weak. I need to be willing to say that I myself cannot, but I can in Christ. To truly believe this and to walk in it. It is His truth and I must trust in what He has told me.
I found a few scriptures that address these things that I will leave with you today. I know there are many, many more but these ones seem very appropriate for what I am talking about. Romans 12:9-21, Ephesians 6:10-13, John 10:10, and Phillipians 4:13. There are many more that I intend to find and write upon my heart. I invite you to do the same. I know that for me this has been a very heavy topic in my life. I know its hard to deal with sometimes. If you have any questions or just want me to pray for you, please let me know. You see, bitterness took me to a really dark time in my life. I feel very blessed to have survived it. Some don't. Remember you always have a true friend in Jesus.
Heavenly Father, I cannot thank You enough for Your love and mercy. For the fact that I do not have to hang onto and deal with my bitterness Lord, but that I can lay it all at Your mighty feet. That I can fully trust You and all You say in Your word. Father your love and tenderness has worked on my heart and shown me a better way. I pray now that You would do the same Lord in the lives of my family, friends and even my enemies. Those I know about, and those I don't. Father I give it all to You so that you can begin a new and wonderful work in their hearts. Lord I pray that they to would know Your love and mercy. That they would also find a better and not a bitter way Lord. I pray for those who don't know You yet Lord. That you would put people who love you and follow after Your own heart into their lives so that they to can feel the peace that passes understanding. And I pray Father that You would continue to work in my life. To help me to know You more. To walk in a way that always brings Honor to You. Thank you Father God for Your tender mercies. Amen.
So I am sure that everyone of us at one time or another has had a similar problem that I struggle with. I sometimes think that I know what others are thinking. I also think that they should know what I am thinking, or at least what I am feeling. I don't know anyone in my life who professes to be a mind reader, and yet, this is how I went through life believing.
Now having shared this little bit of info., I am going to get a little personal. I have a habit of becoming somewhat angry or bitter towards a person, mostly my husband or family but others as well, if they don't know what I am thinking or know how I am feeling. Also when I think I know that they are thinking.
This probably sounds really silly to you. But, how about if I asked you if someone has ever done something wrong to you. Lied, stolen, or hurt you or a person you love or care deeply about? I am sure you can say yes to this. I know I can many times over. When we don't or can't address the person directly about what they have done, we can become very bitter. We may begin to even resent them and also may start to plan revenge. This doesn't mean that we may actually carry out the revenge but we can plan many ways to get back at the person in our mind. We might even find ourselves rejoicing when we hear something bad has happened to them.
So today I want to talk to you about the way I am learning to deal with my little problem. When I, or a loved one, has been hurt by someone, I naturally want to hurt that person back and if I can't, I become a little bitter. This shows up in me as silence, angry words, shouting or even stomping around mad. Sounds a little funny for a grown woman to behave that way, but I am being honest, this is how I used to act, ok sometimes still act. But I am really trying to learn a better way.
I am learning to handle these situations in the way God calls me to. To not assume the other person knows what they have done. To not think they should just know what I am thinking. To really press into the scripture about how to handle my anger and obey God so that I don't become a bitter mess. Being a bitter mess was all to easy for me in the past.
So you might be asking yourself, what is she talking about? It's simply this, God's way is to never take revenge on someone but rather to pray for and bless those who persecute you. To pray God's blessing on to them, not to curse them or wish evil on them, not rejoice when they stumble or fall, but to live a life that is honorable in what you say and do, and most importantly, to conquer evil with the goodness of the Lord.
I don't know what your thinking right now, but I remember what I thought when I first started learning about this. WOW!! Really God? You want me to just go around forgiving bad people and then to start praying for them? Even the really evil people who hurt me or my loved ones so deeply? The ones who lied about us and made things up to make my husband and I look bad, or the ones who talked about us behind our backs? The ones who plotted evil so that they could try to make themselves look better? The ones who took things away from us and left us devastated and in shock?
And God gently answered me and said "YES. Even those ones. You see child, if you take matters into your own hands, or try to seek revenge, you are stealing from Me. You are preventing me from being able to deal with these people in my own way." I kind of sat there stunned. I mean really shocked. But then I began to realize that God knows exactly what His purposes are in every situation in my life. And I need to learn to trust in His justice because if I don't, I will probably mess it up and then become even more bitter. And who wants that?
So at this point is right about when I started to feel like I would never be able to do this. How am I supposed to pray for my enemy or those who have hurt me? How do I deal with those who have lied and hurt my family or my friends? Well God said it wouldn't be easy but that it might help if I realize that it is not really the person that is the true problem. It says in the Word that we do not battle against flesh and blood but against rulers, authorities, and powers of darkness in this world and spiritual forces of darkness in heavenly places. Wow, this was a real eye opener. And it began to change my way of thinking. Like pastor Mike always says, it began to change my stinkin thinkin.
I began to see that my enemy, the true enemy, loves to create a chaotic mess of my life. He likes to do this in every ones life because it pulls us away from our One and only lifeline...God. If we allow the enemy to come in and compromise the relationship we have with our Father, then he can create even more loss in our lives. More hurt, anguish and bitterness. Boy does that ever make him happy. To know that he can so easily come in and wreak havoc in my life. So at this point what do we do?
How do I as a child of God, and you to, let go of this bitterness? How do we trust that God will truly handle the situation? How do I know what the truth is? Well there are plenty of scriptures in the bible that tell us how. Verses that free me and you completely from bitterness, even old, old bitterness that I may have been holding onto for years. I no longer have to worry or plan how I might get back at someone. I am free not to rejoice in their downfall and to realize that it is not the person themselves that I am fighting against. It is the evil one. My job is to live at peace with my fellow man and to operate honorably so as not to bring shame on my family or more importantly, on to God. I can leave the job of holding them accountable to God.
By doing so, I allow God not only to work mightily in my life, but to also begin to work in the life and heart of those that have hurt me. For Him to do this, I need to trust and obey Him. I need to know that God never intended my life, or anyone's for that matter, to be destroyed or filled with bitterness. He instead wants me to have a life that is filled up and overflowing with blessings. An abundant life.
Ok so how do I do this? How do I just trust what God is telling me? How do I know that I have the strength do this. On those days when I feel like I can't listen to what God says, I can't do what He has asked, I must meditate on what His word says. In Phillipians 4:13 He tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" I only need ask for His strength, grace, mercy and help in those times when I feel weak. I need to be willing to say that I myself cannot, but I can in Christ. To truly believe this and to walk in it. It is His truth and I must trust in what He has told me.
I found a few scriptures that address these things that I will leave with you today. I know there are many, many more but these ones seem very appropriate for what I am talking about. Romans 12:9-21, Ephesians 6:10-13, John 10:10, and Phillipians 4:13. There are many more that I intend to find and write upon my heart. I invite you to do the same. I know that for me this has been a very heavy topic in my life. I know its hard to deal with sometimes. If you have any questions or just want me to pray for you, please let me know. You see, bitterness took me to a really dark time in my life. I feel very blessed to have survived it. Some don't. Remember you always have a true friend in Jesus.
Heavenly Father, I cannot thank You enough for Your love and mercy. For the fact that I do not have to hang onto and deal with my bitterness Lord, but that I can lay it all at Your mighty feet. That I can fully trust You and all You say in Your word. Father your love and tenderness has worked on my heart and shown me a better way. I pray now that You would do the same Lord in the lives of my family, friends and even my enemies. Those I know about, and those I don't. Father I give it all to You so that you can begin a new and wonderful work in their hearts. Lord I pray that they to would know Your love and mercy. That they would also find a better and not a bitter way Lord. I pray for those who don't know You yet Lord. That you would put people who love you and follow after Your own heart into their lives so that they to can feel the peace that passes understanding. And I pray Father that You would continue to work in my life. To help me to know You more. To walk in a way that always brings Honor to You. Thank you Father God for Your tender mercies. Amen.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Finally Home
So the journey I have taken through recovery was not an easy one. I had planned to write about it as I went through the experience but I truly had no idea just how hard it was going to be. It was very mentally demanding. I was in program, that is what they call it, 11 hours a day. It was like being at a job where all you do is think all day long. And they pick at you until they can get you to open up. I guess pick is a strong word, but that is exactly what it feels like.
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it all the time. I must remember that I was there to get rid of a disease. A disease that was wasting my life away, taking me away from all of the things I value. I was in such a dark place that I didn't even know what my values were anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that is why I was there. To figure out who I was and what my values are.
There were so many lost and hurting people there just like me. Things in their lives just got to be to much and they turned to an eating disorder to hide their feelings, emotions and hurt. Just like me. It was so strange to be around others who were like me. And at the same time, it felt good. Not good that they to were suffering the way I was, but good that I was finally around people who got me. Who truly understood why I was doing the things I did.
When I got there I was introduced, sort of, to the community. That is what they call the group of individuals who are on your track. A track is the group of individuals who are on one side of the building with a set or team of people treating them. We had 2 tracks. Our track in the beginning consisted of about 12 people. I was warmly welcomed by them all and could see that they were all truly dedicated to getting better. They all were there to conquer this awful disease.
My first 2 days were just horrible. Not the treatment but the fact that I was hours away from my family in a strange environment with people I didn't even know. I remember crying all day and at night, calling Ed and begging him to come and get me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how terribly lonely I felt. You see, during the dark months, ok the last few years, I had even grown distant from God, so I felt completely abandoned. And calling Ed didn't help. He would gently remind me that I was in treatment for a reason and that I needed to stay.
I met a woman the first day I was there. She befriended me and tried really hard to make me feel welcome. I am not going to mention her name as her journey is private, just like most, if not all, of the people there. They did not want us to mention the program or anyone in it so I will write about things but not divulge names or locations. She had been in treatment since July. Little did I know how much I was going to need her friendship during this journey.
So that first week was pretty much a blur. I would go to groups, therapy sessions, a thing called process group, family therapy and my team meetings. We started our day before the sun came up, around 5:30 am(that was what time I would get up so I could shower and get ready) and end our day at 6:00 pm. I would get back to the apartment I lived in, with 3 other women, and be so exhausted and feeling so lonely, I would just go to my room and go to bed. I didn't socialize and I can only imagine what my roomies must have thought of me those first few days.
After the first week, and realizing that Ed was not going to come and get me, I began to settle in. I was still torn between desperately wanting to go home, and wanting to stay. I met a few other people there and began to make friends. They would meet down by the pool at night and just sit around and sing or visit or both. One young man there was extremely talented both in playing the guitar and singing. He kind of lead the gatherings at night. I didn't participate in the night time pool outings because I was so tired each night, and I must admit, I just didn't feel like I belonged. Not that I didn't belong at treatment and not that everyone wasn't nice and welcoming, just like I didn't belong.
I think it was my second week there, maybe the third, when the young man who sang and played guitar, was cut from the program. Not cut by the program but by his insurance. You see, insurance companies seem to not recognize that eating disorders are very severe and that people need months of treatment. Well actually, as I learned, years. Not years of inpatient treatment, but inpatient and outpatient. It happened to so many people while I was there that I was so angry. Angry that the insurance companies didn't get it. They weren't there, they don't know these people, they didn't get to hear the stories and see the dedication these people had to getting better.
So that last night he was there, all of us went to the fire pit by the pool. We sat around and they all talked about their time there in treatment. They talked about what an influence this young man had been to the community. We sang songs and then, we passed around his pendant. You get a pendant when you finish your treatment there and in your goodbye, the pendant is passed around and everyone puts things into your pendant. Encouragements for your continued journey and for you for the rest of your life.
So that's what we did. We sent the pendant around and told this brave, courageous, talented young man goodbye. I was so touched by the love and kindness these people had towards each other. We were all on the same but different journey. We understood each other and we could talk to one another without the fear of judgment or fear of being thought of as weird. In a way, you could finally let go of your guard and just be you.
So the young man left and life in the community went on. There were others who got cut or who finished the program along the way. I continued to struggle. You see I was letting go of a piece of myself, my shield of sorts, the thing I could use to mask or hide feelings. The ED (eating disorder) was beginning to lose its grip on me. And a miraculous change was happening. I can't say that I was always happy to be there but my friend kept encouraging me. She was strong and would tell me that I could do this, I just needed to hang on.
I began to be able to see God again. The darkness that had so taken a hold of me was losing its grip. I began to see that the ED was not my friend. It was not the way I needed to handle life. It was not something I had been in control of but rather, it was controlling me. And it was destroying me at the same time. As my eyes were being opened, I was able to reach out to God again. I could read His word and hear His voice again. I was feeling His touch in my life again. And most importantly, I was finally discovering who I am.
It was such a dramatic change. Getting to know and like me. Getting to realize my worth and the fact that I was valuable. I was not the stories I had heard or told myself all these years. I was not defined by the things that were done to me by others. Or the things that were said about me. I was hearing God's voice telling me that I was His child and worth more than any amount I could ever imagine. I was so valuable that He sent His Son to die for me.
So the journey continued for me. There were good days and bad. Days when I wanted to just pack up and leave. Days when I thought I could do no more. I couldn't face anymore or give up anymore. Couldn't feel anymore. But I did. I stayed the course. I waivered but never quit. And I owe that to God. Also to my determination to beat this. To my wonderful husband who was by my side the entire time. To my friend at treatment who was strong when I was weak. To my Aunt Mary who would listen to me cry and encourage me when I wanted to quit. I know she prayed unceasingly for me. To my family and friends who prayed for me.
And so my journey in treatment came to a close. I garnered the tools needed to continue my journey to healing at home. Home, oh sweet home. I thought the day would never come and that I would never make it but I did, and home never felt as good. Home isn't just a dwelling that you live in. Home is many things to me.
Home is resting in my Fathers arms. My heavenly Father. Home is my husband, being with him, talking to him, having him hold my hand, kiss my face, hold me. Home is my children, their smiles, touches, hugs, and laughter. Home is my family, calling and talking to me. Sending letters of encouragement. Praying for me. Home is sitting on the back porch listening to the sounds of nature. That is home.
So I end todays blog with this. When it seems like you can go no further, can't hang on another second. Can't endure another moment, look to Him. That is look to God. You see, even when it seems to be bleak, and there is no way out, He has a plan. Even when you feel so defeated, like the enemy is winning the battle, He has a plan. When you can't take even one more step, He is there to carry you. I truly believe what scripture says. In Phillipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
He is there with us even when we don't think we can feel Him. He walks beside us even in the darkness. He is always waiting for us to call out to Him and to admit that we can't do it on our own. It isn't easy to give up the control we think we have, but it is so worth it. Trust in what He has to say, trust the process and trust yourself. Your worth it.
Father God, thank you for this journey. Thank you for the many who touched my life during this journey. For those who were with me through the entire process and those who briefly touched me. Thank you for your faithful ones. The ones who prayed for me unceasingly. Those who held the faith even when I was doubting. Your never ending love and the God glasses you gave me to see in myself what You always knew was there. Thank you for the wonderful husband you blessed me with. His strength, love and devotion to you truly saw me through this. He loved me like you do Father and that in its self is so amazing. Thank you for my beautiful children. To see in them your love, compassion and warmth. I am so very blessed. Thanks for my daughter in laws and beautiful grandbabies. My family and friends. God bless them all.
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike it all the time. I must remember that I was there to get rid of a disease. A disease that was wasting my life away, taking me away from all of the things I value. I was in such a dark place that I didn't even know what my values were anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that is why I was there. To figure out who I was and what my values are.
There were so many lost and hurting people there just like me. Things in their lives just got to be to much and they turned to an eating disorder to hide their feelings, emotions and hurt. Just like me. It was so strange to be around others who were like me. And at the same time, it felt good. Not good that they to were suffering the way I was, but good that I was finally around people who got me. Who truly understood why I was doing the things I did.
When I got there I was introduced, sort of, to the community. That is what they call the group of individuals who are on your track. A track is the group of individuals who are on one side of the building with a set or team of people treating them. We had 2 tracks. Our track in the beginning consisted of about 12 people. I was warmly welcomed by them all and could see that they were all truly dedicated to getting better. They all were there to conquer this awful disease.
My first 2 days were just horrible. Not the treatment but the fact that I was hours away from my family in a strange environment with people I didn't even know. I remember crying all day and at night, calling Ed and begging him to come and get me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how terribly lonely I felt. You see, during the dark months, ok the last few years, I had even grown distant from God, so I felt completely abandoned. And calling Ed didn't help. He would gently remind me that I was in treatment for a reason and that I needed to stay.
I met a woman the first day I was there. She befriended me and tried really hard to make me feel welcome. I am not going to mention her name as her journey is private, just like most, if not all, of the people there. They did not want us to mention the program or anyone in it so I will write about things but not divulge names or locations. She had been in treatment since July. Little did I know how much I was going to need her friendship during this journey.
So that first week was pretty much a blur. I would go to groups, therapy sessions, a thing called process group, family therapy and my team meetings. We started our day before the sun came up, around 5:30 am(that was what time I would get up so I could shower and get ready) and end our day at 6:00 pm. I would get back to the apartment I lived in, with 3 other women, and be so exhausted and feeling so lonely, I would just go to my room and go to bed. I didn't socialize and I can only imagine what my roomies must have thought of me those first few days.
After the first week, and realizing that Ed was not going to come and get me, I began to settle in. I was still torn between desperately wanting to go home, and wanting to stay. I met a few other people there and began to make friends. They would meet down by the pool at night and just sit around and sing or visit or both. One young man there was extremely talented both in playing the guitar and singing. He kind of lead the gatherings at night. I didn't participate in the night time pool outings because I was so tired each night, and I must admit, I just didn't feel like I belonged. Not that I didn't belong at treatment and not that everyone wasn't nice and welcoming, just like I didn't belong.
I think it was my second week there, maybe the third, when the young man who sang and played guitar, was cut from the program. Not cut by the program but by his insurance. You see, insurance companies seem to not recognize that eating disorders are very severe and that people need months of treatment. Well actually, as I learned, years. Not years of inpatient treatment, but inpatient and outpatient. It happened to so many people while I was there that I was so angry. Angry that the insurance companies didn't get it. They weren't there, they don't know these people, they didn't get to hear the stories and see the dedication these people had to getting better.
So that last night he was there, all of us went to the fire pit by the pool. We sat around and they all talked about their time there in treatment. They talked about what an influence this young man had been to the community. We sang songs and then, we passed around his pendant. You get a pendant when you finish your treatment there and in your goodbye, the pendant is passed around and everyone puts things into your pendant. Encouragements for your continued journey and for you for the rest of your life.
So that's what we did. We sent the pendant around and told this brave, courageous, talented young man goodbye. I was so touched by the love and kindness these people had towards each other. We were all on the same but different journey. We understood each other and we could talk to one another without the fear of judgment or fear of being thought of as weird. In a way, you could finally let go of your guard and just be you.
So the young man left and life in the community went on. There were others who got cut or who finished the program along the way. I continued to struggle. You see I was letting go of a piece of myself, my shield of sorts, the thing I could use to mask or hide feelings. The ED (eating disorder) was beginning to lose its grip on me. And a miraculous change was happening. I can't say that I was always happy to be there but my friend kept encouraging me. She was strong and would tell me that I could do this, I just needed to hang on.
I began to be able to see God again. The darkness that had so taken a hold of me was losing its grip. I began to see that the ED was not my friend. It was not the way I needed to handle life. It was not something I had been in control of but rather, it was controlling me. And it was destroying me at the same time. As my eyes were being opened, I was able to reach out to God again. I could read His word and hear His voice again. I was feeling His touch in my life again. And most importantly, I was finally discovering who I am.
It was such a dramatic change. Getting to know and like me. Getting to realize my worth and the fact that I was valuable. I was not the stories I had heard or told myself all these years. I was not defined by the things that were done to me by others. Or the things that were said about me. I was hearing God's voice telling me that I was His child and worth more than any amount I could ever imagine. I was so valuable that He sent His Son to die for me.
So the journey continued for me. There were good days and bad. Days when I wanted to just pack up and leave. Days when I thought I could do no more. I couldn't face anymore or give up anymore. Couldn't feel anymore. But I did. I stayed the course. I waivered but never quit. And I owe that to God. Also to my determination to beat this. To my wonderful husband who was by my side the entire time. To my friend at treatment who was strong when I was weak. To my Aunt Mary who would listen to me cry and encourage me when I wanted to quit. I know she prayed unceasingly for me. To my family and friends who prayed for me.
And so my journey in treatment came to a close. I garnered the tools needed to continue my journey to healing at home. Home, oh sweet home. I thought the day would never come and that I would never make it but I did, and home never felt as good. Home isn't just a dwelling that you live in. Home is many things to me.
Home is resting in my Fathers arms. My heavenly Father. Home is my husband, being with him, talking to him, having him hold my hand, kiss my face, hold me. Home is my children, their smiles, touches, hugs, and laughter. Home is my family, calling and talking to me. Sending letters of encouragement. Praying for me. Home is sitting on the back porch listening to the sounds of nature. That is home.
So I end todays blog with this. When it seems like you can go no further, can't hang on another second. Can't endure another moment, look to Him. That is look to God. You see, even when it seems to be bleak, and there is no way out, He has a plan. Even when you feel so defeated, like the enemy is winning the battle, He has a plan. When you can't take even one more step, He is there to carry you. I truly believe what scripture says. In Phillipians 1:6 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." And Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified."
He is there with us even when we don't think we can feel Him. He walks beside us even in the darkness. He is always waiting for us to call out to Him and to admit that we can't do it on our own. It isn't easy to give up the control we think we have, but it is so worth it. Trust in what He has to say, trust the process and trust yourself. Your worth it.
Father God, thank you for this journey. Thank you for the many who touched my life during this journey. For those who were with me through the entire process and those who briefly touched me. Thank you for your faithful ones. The ones who prayed for me unceasingly. Those who held the faith even when I was doubting. Your never ending love and the God glasses you gave me to see in myself what You always knew was there. Thank you for the wonderful husband you blessed me with. His strength, love and devotion to you truly saw me through this. He loved me like you do Father and that in its self is so amazing. Thank you for my beautiful children. To see in them your love, compassion and warmth. I am so very blessed. Thanks for my daughter in laws and beautiful grandbabies. My family and friends. God bless them all.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
The breaking of the dam.
So the last 2 days have been really rough. I really was not sure what was going on inside of me as the emotions were so powerful that I didn't know how to feel them or express them. Finally they just exploded on Monday. I liken it to shaking up a soda and then opening it. It explodes everywhere. Well that's what happened to me. I kept loading more and more emotions inside and finally, they exploded.
I was sitting at dinner and just started to cry. I kept telling myself to just breathe through it but I couldn't. It felt like all of a sudden I was hit smack in the face with all the losses I have experienced through life. Loss of innocence, loss of my childhood, loss of loved ones. And let me tell you, having it all his at once was not fun. It hurt so deeply it felt like I was going to die from it. It felt like I was drowning in it and there was no help in sight.
I finally was able to leave the dining room and go out into the fireplace room and get myself under control. It was only with the help of one of the M.C's that I was able to stop crying so hard and breathe. I was seeing stars and I am sure I was hyper-ventilating. It was so scary to have such powerful emotion take over my whole being. I couldn't even think of anything but the loss. And it kept washing over me.
The MC started talking to me and finally got through. She helped me to slow my breathing down enough so the I could finally sit up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I could focus on her voice and on the air I was taking into my lungs and then exhaling out. To be in tune with what my body was doing and what I was truly feeling. Once under control, I was finally able to talk.
I told her that it was like as if my dad, grandma, uncle and cousin had all died at once. Also my sister since she is no longer talking to me. All that loss at one time felt entirely to overwhelming. I felt like I was being crushed by it. It was so horrible. So exhausting. So suffocating. And it was something I didn't want to let happen. I felt so embarrassed. Like everyone was looking at me and saying, "look at her." What's the matter with her?" "Drama Queen." And many other ugly things I have heard throughout my life. Things that made me feel ugly, unworthy, unwanted and unwelcome. Things that I have kept tucked deep down inside.
The hurt and ugliness that was done to me as a child came roaring back. It is not something I wanted to think about or to face. And the loss of my eating disorder. It has been such a part of me for so long, I am terrified about who am I now without it. Of course I am sure it is still lurking somewhere but I am choosing not to give it space. I am choosing not to let it crowd out the good things I am learning here. I want this recovery so that I can finally relax in my life. To not feel like I need to always be keeping the secret or to be hiding things all the time. To enjoy time with family without the eating disorder taking me away from the memories I could be creating.
I am beginning to feel like it is possible for me to separate from it and truly let it go. Like it is no longer alive and living in me. Controlling my every move, every thought, every moment. I feel like it is outside of me and without being in me anymore that it is losing its grip on me. And also losing its life source. Only I can give it life and by choosing to push it away from me, it will die. Of that I must keep hoping. If it doesn't, then I could.
So today was the first day I really felt like I could beat this. Like I could give it up and it won't kill me. It isn't who I am anymore. And I won't look back and say that it was who I was either. I don't want to give it power over me anymore. I want to live free of it.
And so, I have chosen to release the dam and let it all flow away from me. To cleanse me of it. To truly know freedom.
I was sitting at dinner and just started to cry. I kept telling myself to just breathe through it but I couldn't. It felt like all of a sudden I was hit smack in the face with all the losses I have experienced through life. Loss of innocence, loss of my childhood, loss of loved ones. And let me tell you, having it all his at once was not fun. It hurt so deeply it felt like I was going to die from it. It felt like I was drowning in it and there was no help in sight.
I finally was able to leave the dining room and go out into the fireplace room and get myself under control. It was only with the help of one of the M.C's that I was able to stop crying so hard and breathe. I was seeing stars and I am sure I was hyper-ventilating. It was so scary to have such powerful emotion take over my whole being. I couldn't even think of anything but the loss. And it kept washing over me.
The MC started talking to me and finally got through. She helped me to slow my breathing down enough so the I could finally sit up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I could focus on her voice and on the air I was taking into my lungs and then exhaling out. To be in tune with what my body was doing and what I was truly feeling. Once under control, I was finally able to talk.
I told her that it was like as if my dad, grandma, uncle and cousin had all died at once. Also my sister since she is no longer talking to me. All that loss at one time felt entirely to overwhelming. I felt like I was being crushed by it. It was so horrible. So exhausting. So suffocating. And it was something I didn't want to let happen. I felt so embarrassed. Like everyone was looking at me and saying, "look at her." What's the matter with her?" "Drama Queen." And many other ugly things I have heard throughout my life. Things that made me feel ugly, unworthy, unwanted and unwelcome. Things that I have kept tucked deep down inside.
The hurt and ugliness that was done to me as a child came roaring back. It is not something I wanted to think about or to face. And the loss of my eating disorder. It has been such a part of me for so long, I am terrified about who am I now without it. Of course I am sure it is still lurking somewhere but I am choosing not to give it space. I am choosing not to let it crowd out the good things I am learning here. I want this recovery so that I can finally relax in my life. To not feel like I need to always be keeping the secret or to be hiding things all the time. To enjoy time with family without the eating disorder taking me away from the memories I could be creating.
I am beginning to feel like it is possible for me to separate from it and truly let it go. Like it is no longer alive and living in me. Controlling my every move, every thought, every moment. I feel like it is outside of me and without being in me anymore that it is losing its grip on me. And also losing its life source. Only I can give it life and by choosing to push it away from me, it will die. Of that I must keep hoping. If it doesn't, then I could.
So today was the first day I really felt like I could beat this. Like I could give it up and it won't kill me. It isn't who I am anymore. And I won't look back and say that it was who I was either. I don't want to give it power over me anymore. I want to live free of it.
And so, I have chosen to release the dam and let it all flow away from me. To cleanse me of it. To truly know freedom.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Listening
So tonight as I am sitting on the balcony, I am just listening. There are cars driving by, planes flying overhead and crickets chirping. The crickets chirping makes me think of home. Of the quietness of the night. Here nighttime is always noisy. It is the city and there is always someone going somewhere. And the lights. So many lights that it makes it so very hard to sleep. So many things that distract me from getting good, solid sleep.
So it got me to thinking. We had a lesson in which we practiced listening to someone else and then repeating back what they said. Others in the room were talking or making noise, there was noise out in the hall, and the room we were in is next to a bathroom so you could hear noise from there as well. All of it was very distracting. Made it very hard to concentrate on the person talking.
I thought about how many times when I am talking to someone, I kind of pick and choose what I listen to. If it isn't something I am interested in, I may zone out. I may start thinking about other things while sitting there listening to them. And I thought wow. How does it make me feel when I think that someone is not listening to me? It doesn't feel good that's for sure. It makes you feel like that person doesn't even think that I am important enough to really pay attention to. That is sad.
So if I notice that someone is not really paying attention to me, I might just stop talking or say never mind. And if it happens enough times, I feel like what I have to say is not valid. Its not something worth any ones time. It shuts me down. I lose my "voice". That is to say that I am not able to express my needs. And to be honest. This really hurts. I don't like it and then I get upset that I feel angry. Then I feel guilty.
I am also learning that it is not only important to listen to others but it is critical that I begin to listen to myself. Listen not just to what my mind might be trying to say to me but to listen to what my body language is. What reaction is my physical self having in any given situation? Am I getting nervous, anxious, angry, sad. What physical bodily changes are happening and what do they mean. Maybe sometimes I do not realize that I am felling a certain way and if I could learn to listen to my body, it will give me clues.
If I learn this self listening and not just the noise that is always running through my mind, but really listen, I begin to discover who I am and what makes me tick. I start to notice things and I can begin to allow myself to feel things that normally I just shut off. I don't allow myself to feel or to listen to the signals my body may be trying to tell me. I suppress and by doing so it costs me. I like to think of it like filling a bottle. You can only fill a bottle so much. Once it is full, it has to escape somehow. It either gets a slow leak or it explodes. And when bottles explode, it really makes a mess.
That is what I have been doing by hiding in my eating disorder. I shove the feelings inside until there is no more room. Once I feel full, I have to let it out. This means I will binge to try to hide the feelings, then I purge in order to make room for more feelings. The problem with this is that I never address the feelings. I never fully explore what they are and just let myself feel them. I feel the tension constantly there because I never really let all of it out. By only making a little room and then stuffing the feelings down again, I hurt myself even more. The feelings never get addressed and I never deal with them. They just get shuffled around and then put back in the bottle. Again the pressure builds.
So by becoming more aware of this and by accepting the knowledge that it is ok to feel, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to see that I don't have to live my life hiding my emotions. Yes emotions make people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should hide or stuff them down. You need to let them out and most people will not judge you for them. They will come along side you and help you to let them out. I just need to be willing to let myself, first of all, feel them, and second to let others know that I am feeling them. Not just anyone, because there are those who won't be helpful, but those who I can trust and I know have my best interest at heart.
I know that by doing this, I am heading towards recover. To complete and total healing. I know it won't be easy. The road to recovery is a long and arduous one, but in the end I know I will find peace. I will find self-worth and self-love. I will finally get to meet myself, the real me, the me who was always there but always hiding under the surface. I am getting excited to see who that is and to get to really know her. To embrace her and to let her live.
So it got me to thinking. We had a lesson in which we practiced listening to someone else and then repeating back what they said. Others in the room were talking or making noise, there was noise out in the hall, and the room we were in is next to a bathroom so you could hear noise from there as well. All of it was very distracting. Made it very hard to concentrate on the person talking.
I thought about how many times when I am talking to someone, I kind of pick and choose what I listen to. If it isn't something I am interested in, I may zone out. I may start thinking about other things while sitting there listening to them. And I thought wow. How does it make me feel when I think that someone is not listening to me? It doesn't feel good that's for sure. It makes you feel like that person doesn't even think that I am important enough to really pay attention to. That is sad.
So if I notice that someone is not really paying attention to me, I might just stop talking or say never mind. And if it happens enough times, I feel like what I have to say is not valid. Its not something worth any ones time. It shuts me down. I lose my "voice". That is to say that I am not able to express my needs. And to be honest. This really hurts. I don't like it and then I get upset that I feel angry. Then I feel guilty.
I am also learning that it is not only important to listen to others but it is critical that I begin to listen to myself. Listen not just to what my mind might be trying to say to me but to listen to what my body language is. What reaction is my physical self having in any given situation? Am I getting nervous, anxious, angry, sad. What physical bodily changes are happening and what do they mean. Maybe sometimes I do not realize that I am felling a certain way and if I could learn to listen to my body, it will give me clues.
If I learn this self listening and not just the noise that is always running through my mind, but really listen, I begin to discover who I am and what makes me tick. I start to notice things and I can begin to allow myself to feel things that normally I just shut off. I don't allow myself to feel or to listen to the signals my body may be trying to tell me. I suppress and by doing so it costs me. I like to think of it like filling a bottle. You can only fill a bottle so much. Once it is full, it has to escape somehow. It either gets a slow leak or it explodes. And when bottles explode, it really makes a mess.
That is what I have been doing by hiding in my eating disorder. I shove the feelings inside until there is no more room. Once I feel full, I have to let it out. This means I will binge to try to hide the feelings, then I purge in order to make room for more feelings. The problem with this is that I never address the feelings. I never fully explore what they are and just let myself feel them. I feel the tension constantly there because I never really let all of it out. By only making a little room and then stuffing the feelings down again, I hurt myself even more. The feelings never get addressed and I never deal with them. They just get shuffled around and then put back in the bottle. Again the pressure builds.
So by becoming more aware of this and by accepting the knowledge that it is ok to feel, I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am beginning to see that I don't have to live my life hiding my emotions. Yes emotions make people uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should hide or stuff them down. You need to let them out and most people will not judge you for them. They will come along side you and help you to let them out. I just need to be willing to let myself, first of all, feel them, and second to let others know that I am feeling them. Not just anyone, because there are those who won't be helpful, but those who I can trust and I know have my best interest at heart.
I know that by doing this, I am heading towards recover. To complete and total healing. I know it won't be easy. The road to recovery is a long and arduous one, but in the end I know I will find peace. I will find self-worth and self-love. I will finally get to meet myself, the real me, the me who was always there but always hiding under the surface. I am getting excited to see who that is and to get to really know her. To embrace her and to let her live.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Getting to know me.
So I am on day 4 here. Today by far has been the hardest. I have had to delve deep into my past. To talk about things that are not very comfortable for me to talk about, let alone with strangers. I have had to remember things that I would rather not think about. Ask myself questions about my past that I would like to leave buried and not bring to the surface. And of course, I have cried.
I cry because the remembering brings up all the old wounds. Wounds that I let just get covered over and never really got healed. I never accepted them and just dealt with them. They are easier to stuff down inside. Easier to hide away and not have to look at them.
So in looking at them, I have to feel. I have to recognize that they are hurtful and they make me feel very uncomfortable. I would rather pretend that everything is fine and I am perfectly ok. Addressing them means I must also take accountability for my decisions that may have lead to certain circumstances or problems. Yes it would be easy to just blame others for all my problems. To say that I had a bad childhood therefore I do what I do. But that is not the truth.
Even if things were bad for me, it does not excuse my behavior. It does not make it ok to binge and purge. It does not mean that I can just run around practicing poor judgment and bad habits. It does not give me the right to hurt myself, belittle myself, or to have bad thoughts about who I am. It means that I do not have to hide behind my weight. That it is ok for me to just be me.
There in lies the problem, I don't really know who I am. I always thought I did but I see now that I wasn't truly me, I was just being whoever I thought others wanted me to be. To behave or look a certain way because I thought that is what others expected. Never being able to live up to what I thought others wanted me to be, I became frustrated. I began to loathe who I was, I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror anymore. I felt so unworthy of love or even friendship.
I really lost my voice. Or felt like I didn't deserve to even have a voice. I felt like I just needed to be quite and go along with what everyone else wanted of me. To do what they said or always volunteer to do what others didn't want to. I never knew the word no. It wasn't in my vocabulary. I worried that if I ever said no, that person would no longer like me. That they would never talk to me again, That they may no longer be a part of my life, or worse, they would, but they would be mean and hateful to me. That is something I just could never take. It felt to personal, like it was my fault that someone didn't like me.
Here, I am learning that if someone chooses not to like me, that is their feelings and no reflection on who I am as a person. That it is impossible for me to please everyone all the time. In attempting to do this, I invalidate myself and make myself feel meaningless. That I am beautiful in any shape and that being healthy is more important than what the scale says. The mirror is just a reflection of the outside and in no way represents who I am as a person. That I have value and worth that goes far beyond my clothing size.
I am many different things and many things to different people. I am a child of God first and foremost. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend and co-worker. That what I have to offer is important to those I touch each and everyday. I don't have to matter to everyone, I just need to matter to one person. I need to be true to myself and value my self before anyone else can value me. Its hard because all I have ever done is negative self talk. I always tried to compare myself to others and once I found myself lacking, I would act out my bad choices. I hated what I was doing but at the same time, I was comfortable in it. I couldn't control what was going on around me but I could control my eating disorder. Of course now I realize that I was telling myself a lie.
So I am now learning to value myself first. To understand that I am not going to look like others around me because God created us all to be different. We may like similar things but we are very individual. And I recognize that I am a beautiful creation of God's and that He made me just the way he wanted me to be. He has a purpose for my life. One that means living behavior free. No longer feeling like I must always shove my feelings aside for others so that they are happy. I am not in control of their happiness only mine.
So now I need to focus on me and my recovery. Stop worrying about every else's problems. I can't solve their needs. I can only work on my own problems. And that is ok. I don't have to.
Well I am exhausted. Today I have been run through the emotional ringer. I am going to bed and I know tomorrow will be another day of peeling back to the layers to find out who I really am. I am excited to see what lies ahead. Good night and God bless.
I cry because the remembering brings up all the old wounds. Wounds that I let just get covered over and never really got healed. I never accepted them and just dealt with them. They are easier to stuff down inside. Easier to hide away and not have to look at them.
So in looking at them, I have to feel. I have to recognize that they are hurtful and they make me feel very uncomfortable. I would rather pretend that everything is fine and I am perfectly ok. Addressing them means I must also take accountability for my decisions that may have lead to certain circumstances or problems. Yes it would be easy to just blame others for all my problems. To say that I had a bad childhood therefore I do what I do. But that is not the truth.
Even if things were bad for me, it does not excuse my behavior. It does not make it ok to binge and purge. It does not mean that I can just run around practicing poor judgment and bad habits. It does not give me the right to hurt myself, belittle myself, or to have bad thoughts about who I am. It means that I do not have to hide behind my weight. That it is ok for me to just be me.
There in lies the problem, I don't really know who I am. I always thought I did but I see now that I wasn't truly me, I was just being whoever I thought others wanted me to be. To behave or look a certain way because I thought that is what others expected. Never being able to live up to what I thought others wanted me to be, I became frustrated. I began to loathe who I was, I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror anymore. I felt so unworthy of love or even friendship.
I really lost my voice. Or felt like I didn't deserve to even have a voice. I felt like I just needed to be quite and go along with what everyone else wanted of me. To do what they said or always volunteer to do what others didn't want to. I never knew the word no. It wasn't in my vocabulary. I worried that if I ever said no, that person would no longer like me. That they would never talk to me again, That they may no longer be a part of my life, or worse, they would, but they would be mean and hateful to me. That is something I just could never take. It felt to personal, like it was my fault that someone didn't like me.
Here, I am learning that if someone chooses not to like me, that is their feelings and no reflection on who I am as a person. That it is impossible for me to please everyone all the time. In attempting to do this, I invalidate myself and make myself feel meaningless. That I am beautiful in any shape and that being healthy is more important than what the scale says. The mirror is just a reflection of the outside and in no way represents who I am as a person. That I have value and worth that goes far beyond my clothing size.
I am many different things and many things to different people. I am a child of God first and foremost. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend and co-worker. That what I have to offer is important to those I touch each and everyday. I don't have to matter to everyone, I just need to matter to one person. I need to be true to myself and value my self before anyone else can value me. Its hard because all I have ever done is negative self talk. I always tried to compare myself to others and once I found myself lacking, I would act out my bad choices. I hated what I was doing but at the same time, I was comfortable in it. I couldn't control what was going on around me but I could control my eating disorder. Of course now I realize that I was telling myself a lie.
So I am now learning to value myself first. To understand that I am not going to look like others around me because God created us all to be different. We may like similar things but we are very individual. And I recognize that I am a beautiful creation of God's and that He made me just the way he wanted me to be. He has a purpose for my life. One that means living behavior free. No longer feeling like I must always shove my feelings aside for others so that they are happy. I am not in control of their happiness only mine.
So now I need to focus on me and my recovery. Stop worrying about every else's problems. I can't solve their needs. I can only work on my own problems. And that is ok. I don't have to.
Well I am exhausted. Today I have been run through the emotional ringer. I am going to bed and I know tomorrow will be another day of peeling back to the layers to find out who I really am. I am excited to see what lies ahead. Good night and God bless.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I survived
So I survived my first day in treatment, or as they call it, recovery. To be honest, it was very intense. I am so very exhausted. It was a lot of talking, crying and walking up and down stairs. The staff is wonderful though. Everyone really listens to you and are very sweet. It also included a lot of paperwork. My eyes hurt and my head is aching a little.
I also got moved in to my apartment here. I then went back to the treatment center to complete my intake. That was tough. I had to say goodbye to Ed earlier and then go and talk to all these strangers about how I got here. All together it was a very uncomfortable and emotional day. By the time we finished and I got back to my room, I had a massive headache. I called Ed and begged him to come an get me. I didn't want to be here anymore and I felt like I could go home and be ok.
Well Ed said no of course. I do need to be here. I know that but there are times I just want to go home. I just want to do what I know. Not the bulimia, just go back to work and be at home with my husband. I want to clean or do dishes in my own house. To live my life. But that isn't my life anymore. My life now is here in treatment for awhile. I know I can do this.
So I caught myself asking God why He would have allowed me to get to this point. Of course He had to remind me that I have free will. That I get to choose what I do with my life. He is not going to force anyone, including me, into doing something. We get the choice. I get the choice. And unfortunately, I made the wrong choices and ended up here.
I am learning that it is ok to express my feelings here. I had a session where I started to cry and then stopped myself. The counselor told me to stop holding my feelings in. He asked what I would do that. I Told him that I don't feel like it is ok to cry. That I had been told in the past not to cry and so I tried to train myself no to. I try to hold it in as much as I can. It gets out some times but I rein it in quickly and get myself back under control. He said to let it out. So I talked about the pain of the loss of my dad and I cried so hard I was sobbing. I was embarrassed but it felt good to let it out.
I am learning that I need to express how I am feeling and quit jamming my feelings down inside. I wonder if this isn't why I do what I do. Is it because I have shoved so many feelings inside that I had no room for the food? Or that I was so full of emotions and feelings that I just tried to purge them out by doing what I did? These are things I hope to begin exploring as I go through treatment. I want to be set free from all of the thoughts I have around food. I want to be able to walk through a day without constantly wondering what I am going to eat and whether it is that I call an acceptable food. I want to stop focusing on my body so much that I never feel happy anymore.
I am learning to look at these feelings and not feel ashamed of them. Talk about things and be honest. I have always been a peace maker even to the extent that I have hurt myself by always putting others before me. I have to learn that I am important and that I am ok. My needs have to come before everyone else because if I don't take care of me first, I won't be around to take care of others. This is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I have been taking care of others since I was little. I have been so worried about others that I tuck all my feelings inside so I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I now see that this wasn't fair to me.
I am learning that it is ok to feel sad, angry, happy and just blah sometimes. I don't always have to present a happy face. Life is going to throw things at me that I need to learn how to handle. Unkind words, family conflict, illness, rejection, financial problems, and disappointment. When I feel like I am in a challenging moment I need to learn how to handle it and deal with it, not shove it inside and hold on to it. I need to remember that I am never alone. God is always with me, That He is walking beside me and when need be, He will carry me. He is there to help me each and every day to live a life of peace and a life of value. I must begin to understand that I have value, I mean something to someone. That no matter my circumstances, I MATTER.
I need just ask God and He will answer. He will listen to me and He genuinely cares about everything I am going through. He knows what I need even before I ask, He listens to me when I cry out to Him. He is always there from the brightest day to the darkest night. He created me and He loves me. I now need to learn to love myself. I need to recognize that I have value, meaning and worth. There is so much more to me then just my outward appearance. I have a heart, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, honesty, integrity, loyalty. I more than my disorder, I am Carrie, I am valued and loved by my family and friends and I am not alone in this journey.
So begins day three of my treatment. I have high hopes and a positive attitude about today. I know that this is the day that the Lord has mad and that I will be rejoicing and I will be glad. And no matter what emotions I experience today, they will not destroy me. I can feel them and let them out and I will be ok. Once I accept this, I can begin to truly heal. I continue to pray that each and every day God will do a good work in me. That He will be with all of my caretakers and that He give them the wisdom and the knowledge to do what needs to be done to get me whole and get me home.
I pray that everyone have a truly blessed day. That God touch all the hurting hearts that I am here with. That He begin to heal each and everyone so that they can return to life and live, not just exist. I pray for all my family at home and elsewhere, may God put His angels about you and may your day be blessed. And to all my friends, that God would fill your lives with Joy and Peace.
I also got moved in to my apartment here. I then went back to the treatment center to complete my intake. That was tough. I had to say goodbye to Ed earlier and then go and talk to all these strangers about how I got here. All together it was a very uncomfortable and emotional day. By the time we finished and I got back to my room, I had a massive headache. I called Ed and begged him to come an get me. I didn't want to be here anymore and I felt like I could go home and be ok.
Well Ed said no of course. I do need to be here. I know that but there are times I just want to go home. I just want to do what I know. Not the bulimia, just go back to work and be at home with my husband. I want to clean or do dishes in my own house. To live my life. But that isn't my life anymore. My life now is here in treatment for awhile. I know I can do this.
So I caught myself asking God why He would have allowed me to get to this point. Of course He had to remind me that I have free will. That I get to choose what I do with my life. He is not going to force anyone, including me, into doing something. We get the choice. I get the choice. And unfortunately, I made the wrong choices and ended up here.
I am learning that it is ok to express my feelings here. I had a session where I started to cry and then stopped myself. The counselor told me to stop holding my feelings in. He asked what I would do that. I Told him that I don't feel like it is ok to cry. That I had been told in the past not to cry and so I tried to train myself no to. I try to hold it in as much as I can. It gets out some times but I rein it in quickly and get myself back under control. He said to let it out. So I talked about the pain of the loss of my dad and I cried so hard I was sobbing. I was embarrassed but it felt good to let it out.
I am learning that I need to express how I am feeling and quit jamming my feelings down inside. I wonder if this isn't why I do what I do. Is it because I have shoved so many feelings inside that I had no room for the food? Or that I was so full of emotions and feelings that I just tried to purge them out by doing what I did? These are things I hope to begin exploring as I go through treatment. I want to be set free from all of the thoughts I have around food. I want to be able to walk through a day without constantly wondering what I am going to eat and whether it is that I call an acceptable food. I want to stop focusing on my body so much that I never feel happy anymore.
I am learning to look at these feelings and not feel ashamed of them. Talk about things and be honest. I have always been a peace maker even to the extent that I have hurt myself by always putting others before me. I have to learn that I am important and that I am ok. My needs have to come before everyone else because if I don't take care of me first, I won't be around to take care of others. This is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I have been taking care of others since I was little. I have been so worried about others that I tuck all my feelings inside so I won't hurt anyone's feelings. I now see that this wasn't fair to me.
I am learning that it is ok to feel sad, angry, happy and just blah sometimes. I don't always have to present a happy face. Life is going to throw things at me that I need to learn how to handle. Unkind words, family conflict, illness, rejection, financial problems, and disappointment. When I feel like I am in a challenging moment I need to learn how to handle it and deal with it, not shove it inside and hold on to it. I need to remember that I am never alone. God is always with me, That He is walking beside me and when need be, He will carry me. He is there to help me each and every day to live a life of peace and a life of value. I must begin to understand that I have value, I mean something to someone. That no matter my circumstances, I MATTER.
I need just ask God and He will answer. He will listen to me and He genuinely cares about everything I am going through. He knows what I need even before I ask, He listens to me when I cry out to Him. He is always there from the brightest day to the darkest night. He created me and He loves me. I now need to learn to love myself. I need to recognize that I have value, meaning and worth. There is so much more to me then just my outward appearance. I have a heart, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, honesty, integrity, loyalty. I more than my disorder, I am Carrie, I am valued and loved by my family and friends and I am not alone in this journey.
So begins day three of my treatment. I have high hopes and a positive attitude about today. I know that this is the day that the Lord has mad and that I will be rejoicing and I will be glad. And no matter what emotions I experience today, they will not destroy me. I can feel them and let them out and I will be ok. Once I accept this, I can begin to truly heal. I continue to pray that each and every day God will do a good work in me. That He will be with all of my caretakers and that He give them the wisdom and the knowledge to do what needs to be done to get me whole and get me home.
I pray that everyone have a truly blessed day. That God touch all the hurting hearts that I am here with. That He begin to heal each and everyone so that they can return to life and live, not just exist. I pray for all my family at home and elsewhere, may God put His angels about you and may your day be blessed. And to all my friends, that God would fill your lives with Joy and Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)